dates!

I ended up calling my GP yesterday to ask if they set up a date for the ultrasound yet. I love my doctor and her nurse but I absolutely HATE the receptionist. I ended up speaking with the nurse (I always hope she answers the phone) and she seemed confused because in my chart it said that they let me know the date of the ultrasound. This is why I phone them!!!!! Anyway the date is set for January 11th. Only 2 weeks away! By then I should be either 12 or 11 weeks.

My HCG levels have been really funny. I was wrong in my last post when I said they dropped 2000. They actually dropped 11 154! Here's the dates and the results:

Dec. 22 - 110107
Dec. 24 -   98953
Dec. 29 - 101060


I was supposed to do the third on the 28th but I'd decided I wasn't going to go back as long as there was a heartbeat. Then on the 29th there was a message from the clinic "politely reminding me" I was supposed to have it done. They called again today to say they wanted it done again Tuesday the 4th. I wonder if my levels are confusing the doctor just as much as they're confusing me!!!!! I did check the heartbeat again today and it's still there and strong. Seems to be getting faster, 175 yesterday. The baby also seems to be very active today. I can't feel anything yet but when I put the doppler on right away I could hear the baby moving around in the water. It's such a cool sound!!

I'm starting to get anxious now. It's starting to sink in this could really happen. I really could have a baby again. There's been a switch where now I'm starting to get very nervous about the 18 week echo. I still can't convince myself that I'll have a baby in July yet. I really can't wait until this ultrasound so I know that everything is ok for now and then we can set the date for the echo. I don't think I'll ever truly relax this pregnancy though.

Christmas!

Hope everyone had a happy christmas this year. It started off a little sad for me. I couldn't sleep so got up and sat on my laptop in the living room. All I could think about was how things would/should've been different this year if Hailey had been healthy. Eventually at 8am I decided I needed a change of scenery so I left for my grandmother's (Dan was still sleeping but promised to be over by 10am.) I decided to bring the doppler just incase as my mum isn't the best at keeping things quiet! When I got over to my grandma's my mum and aunt called me downstairs and my mum said that she'd told my aunt about my pregnancy. It turns out my cousin who will be over tomorrow is also pregnant and due 1 week before me! She'd wanted my aunt to tell everyone as she was worried I'd be upset (which I can understand the theory behind but I'd be nothing but happy for them.) So when my aunt found out she asked if I'd tell the family today and my cousin would tell them tomorrow. They knew that my pregnancy announcement would be emotional for everyone and they felt it would mean more if I told the family first.

So after my grandma finished unwrapping her last present I took the doppler over and played the recording for her that I'd taken yesterday (which was so much clearer then 3 days ago!) Here's how the conversation went:

Grandma: "It's a heartbeat!"
Me: "Yes"
Grandma: "Boy that's pretty fast"
Me: "Yes" (looking at her with expectant eyes!)
One of my aunts "Who's do you think it is?"
Grandma: "Who's it is?"
Me: "..... I'm pregnant!"

Then queue the tears and hugs from everyone in the room. Dan told me later that he was glad I was the one doing all the talking and the attention was off of him because he started tearing up. He's not normally an emotional guy so it just goes to show how much this past year has really affected him. We also stopped off at the cemetery on our way home to drop off some flowers for Hailey. I'm a little upset. The city called to say they'd received the memorial stone well over 2 weeks ago and I went in and paid for the installation that day. It's still not put in. I was really hoping to have it in by today.

Oh and about the bloodwork. My GP phoned me on the 23rd and said she just saw my lab work. I told her I was spotting the morning of the 22nd and just wanted to know either way what was going on but I'd found the heartbeat with a doppler later that day. She then asked how far along I am and I said 10 weeks going off dates but I'd had a scan exactly 4 weeks ago that dated me somewhere in my 4th week. She then said she's going to order another ultrasound because me levels were pretty high for being 8 weeks! So I'll be going for another ultrasound sometime in early January. Obviously my due date is still a little unknown and I think she may suspect..... twins!

I also made the mistake of going for that second HCG level yesterday. I'd originally decided I'd leave it since I found the heartbeat and then decided that morning to do the test so my doctor could see how quickly my levels were going up....... BIG MISTAKE! When I got home from work and looked up my lab results my HCG had actually dropped 2000 in 2 days! I started freaking out and brought out the doppler and found that clear heartbeat right away. I then researched online and it says that your levels plateau and start to drop anywhere from 8-12 weeks. My theory is as long as there's a goods strong heartbeat that's the most important part. There's no exact science to HCG levels and what's normal for one may not be normal for someone else. I'm just going to go off what I know, which is the baby has a good strong heartbeat! It still makes me nervous now that I've told the family and really wished I could've left it for a few more weeks. Keep this baby in your prayers please! I don't need a healthy at birth baby, I just want one that's fixable. I hope that makes sense........ I would LOVE a healthy baby but if that's not in our future than at least let this one be able to survive and have a decent life. I hope that's not asking for too much.

Is it happening again? *UPDATE*

I woke up this morning and when I went to the washroom I noticed a very small amount of blood when I wiped. I know spotting can be normal especially at the 4, 8 and 12 week marks (I think I was 8 weeks on Monday) as it can be your body getting used to the changes but it's still freaked me out. I didn't want to worry Daniel but he heard me say something in the washroom so I told him there was a little bit of blood. I tried to not act worried and after I drove him to work I stopped off at a clinic to ask for them to do HCG levels. Like I said with the miscarriage in August, I can handle miscarrying. As much as it sucks I'll get through it. The worst part is the waiting and wondering. He's ordered HCG levels every 3 days for 2 weeks (which is a little hard with the holidays as the lab is only open until 12:30 on the 24th and then opens again on the 28th.) Thankfully I had one done today and will see the results when I get home from work tonight, and will be able to do the same on the 24th and 28th. I don't really know what to look for in how quickly HCG levels rise, but I do know that they shouldn't drop and if you're miscarrying they would drop. I guess it's just another waiting game.

I'm trying to think positive since I haven't had anymore spotting since and that was over 2 hours ago but when I did the urine test at the clinic I overheard the receptionist tell the doctor that he'd have to do an HCG since the line was very faint on the test. I'm working the afternoon half shift so I leave in an hour but the test results will be up when I get home so I'll put them up in about 6.5 hours.

By the way..... Happy birthday to me tomorrow!!!!!! It really does always happen at the best possible times, with the last miscarriage being 5 days before Dan's birthday and Hailey's due date. The other frustrating thing is today was supposed to be the day of my ultrasound that had to be done early to rule out ectopic! We could've had the answer of wether or not there's a heartbeat in a few hours!!! Oh the irony!

*UPDATE*
Before I went to work I decided to fire up the doppler and....... I FOUND THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! the rate varied a bit but was around 155 ish. I also haven't had any spotting since that one time this morning and my HCG levels are 110107 which puts me at the higher side of 8-9 weeks, so right on track. I'm optimistic that I may have overreacted this morning but I'm now so thankful for that doppler for letting me relax a bit today. I'm still going to keep doing the HCG every 2-3 days for the next 2 weeks just for the peace of mind, plus it'll give me a better idea of when I fall into the 10 week catagory as I now think I may actually be in the 9th week with the levels that high.

The first trimester fun!

Well going off dates I should be 9 weeks today but I think I'm really nearly 8. (I've kind of made up my own schedule since I haven't been to see the doctor after my scan and really have no idea where I'm at.) It's been a really busy week and I've now finished the project at work which is really nice since it was early morning starts and I was driving an hour each way. A lot has happened this week! First of all I got a call from the city Tuesday to say they received Hailey's memorial stone and it'll be installed soon. I went to check this afternoon but so far it hasn't been put in. To think we may actually go down on Christmas and it be there! I know it'll be really emotional seeing it. Like that last piece of closure. As soon as it's put in I'll take a pic to show what it looks like. It's fairly plain but it's exactly how I imagined it should look. I also received my parcel with my birthday and christmas present!!!!!! I convinced Daniel to buy me a doppler for christmas and the same store also sold preggie pops, which I couldn't find anywhere in Canada.

This part isn't meant to sound like complaining, it's just you tend to forget what the first trimester feels like after it's over. So I've started making a list of "awesome" first trimester symptoms!!!!!!

1) MORNING SICKNESS!!!!!!!!! Really it's throwing up in the morning and nausea the rest of the day. I've again been struggling with this. When I was pregnant with Hailey I was only sick in the morning and then felt fine the rest of the day. I sucked it up even though the doctor's told me it was safe to take Diclectin. Here's the problem I have with Diclectin..... It's only available in Canada! Here's a quote from babyzone.com " Diclectin® is the Canadian version of a medicine that was widely used in the US in the 1970s called Bendectin®, a combination of vitamin B6 and an antihistamine called doxylamine. It is one of the few drugs on which we have extensive pregnancy safety data because it was well researched back when it was in widespread use in the States. Bendectin® was taken off the market not because it caused birth defects, but because the company got tired of defending lawsuits when babies happened to be born with birth defects from moms who happened to have taken Bendectin.  "
I know it's supposed to be safe but now after having a baby with a heart defect I really have to think is it worth the risk, however small that may be and could I live with myself if I took it and we had another heart baby? I didn't take it with Hailey so I know for certain this drug did not cause her HLHS but I just don't like the idea of taking anything while pregnant no matter how safe they think it is. On a positive note I didn't have morning sickness with the miscarriage so I'm hoping this is a good sign! The preggie pops help with the nausea but only for an hour! And I've been careful to limit 2 a day (mainly for morning use.)

2) Feeling tired. I know I've been getting up early lately but when you wake up at 5 and want to take a nap by 2 that's not normal! I've completely forgotten about this part of Hailey's pregnancy, but thinking back I remember my sister and I joking that I had a parasite inside me sucking my energy. Daniel has been amazing. Not only did he cook dinner Wednesday night he also cleaned the house (I want to stay away from chemicals since I was the one that cleaned once a week while pregnant with Hailey) and did the dishes. He's really trying to help out and although I tell him often how much it's appreciated I don't think he fully understands just how exhausted I feel and how much his help really means to me. I'm hoping to at least find the energy to make it to the gym tomorrow while I have the day off since my last gym day was Sunday! At this stage I'm happy with finding the energy to do 1 hour a week!!!

3) Emotions. I cry so easily now! The smallest tiniest thing will set me off. An example..... I went to yahoo news tonight and they had a clip from a teddy bear toss during a hockey game in Calgary. Yup I cried watching all those teddy bears being thrown on the ice!!!!!

I did set up a doctor's appointment for Jan. 13th. I'll be somewhere around 11-12 weeks.  I'm hoping to hear a heart beat on the doppler before then so I can relax slightly. I know once you hear the heart beat, especially on a doppler which is after 10 weeks the rate of miscarriage should drop dramatically. We are waiting to hear this before telling our families (hopefully on new years day!)

Holding a new born

My friend had her baby this morning. I said in an earlier post that I'd asked her that since she was having a boy (and I thought that'd be easier on me) if I could come and hold the baby at an early age to help move on. She was having a scheduled c section this morning so me and 2 of the girls from that lab went to visit her in the hospital this afternoon. While it was emotional and I did tear up I managed to hold it together.  I'm so happy I did this today. 

There's going to be a baby shower for one of the girls at the lab I worked at for 2 years. She had her baby in early November and we've yet to have the shower. She asked if I could come to the shower on her last day before going off on Mat leave and I told her I would. At that point she didn't know what she was having and when I found out she had a girl I was surprised at how upset I was. Everyone we knew who was pregnant had boys, so to hear someone had a girl just hit a little too close. The past few days I've been trying to decide if I should go to the shower or write a note in the card saying I'd love to meet her and get together but I don't want to do it with so many people around. I was worried about seeing this baby and crying. If I do that it's not a big deal, everyone is really supportive but if that does happen I'd rather there only be a few people there. Now after holding the baby today I feel like I can handle the shower (I think.)

I have an interview for a new position on Monday and I'm pretty sure I won't get it. I've been wanting to get into this department for a while but they are training 10 people in the company to become senior managers and I'm pretty sure 2 of them will get the positions for the training and practice. Oh well, I'll go in and work on my interview skills! One of the jobs is a temp for a year and then you go back to my normal job, which I don't want since I'm hoping to go off on Mat leave in July and I would turn down that job if it was offered. The one I really want is the back up position which is permanent. Basically I'd only work there if someone is sick or on holidays. Also if you have a permanent position within a department they have to offer an open position to you first before they post it company wide.

There's a yolk sac in my uterus!!!

I had my ultrasound this afternoon. The lady was so nice (they aren't supposed to tell you anything at all as I learned from the horrible experience at the hospital) and I actually suspect she was the radiographer (I'll explain later.) Keeping consistent my doctor's office didn't say it was an ob ultrasound. She found out when I told her it was to rule out ectopic and I only found out I was pregnant through blood because of the pain. She asked if this was my first pregnancy and I explained it was my 3rd all within the year. She then asked if I've ever delivered and I said yes at 24 weeks, she had HLHS and the last pregnancy I had a scan at 8 weeks measuring 6 with no yolk sac or fetal pole. She did a stomach ultrasound first and saw "something" in my uterus and that it was probably very early (it measured 4.5 mm.) I confirmed uterus not fallopian tubes and she showed me the screen and the small black dot. She then did a transvaginal ultrasound and then was very happy to see the yolk sac. She showed me (although it just looked like a slightly different shade of grey to me.) She never told me what it measured this way but she said everything looked good at this stage. She made sure to say at the moment it looks good but who knows about tomorrow. Trust me I know all too well there is never a safe point in a pregnancy, especially the first 12 weeks. All that matters at this stage is I've had my first good ultrasound experience! This is the first time I've left happy and not in tears. I think she was the radiographer as she was the only person I saw not wearing scrubs (she was wearing back pants and top under lab coat) and after it was over she said she'd type it up and send it to my doctor right away. Ultrasound techs, at least in Canada don't do the report. The pictures are given to the radiographer who interprets and send the results to the doctor.

I made the mistake of looking for animals at the spca online last night. I've fallen for an adult cat..... with 1 eye. I'm trying to convince Dan to go the spca tomorrow and look at it although I don't think it's going to happen :( It's kind of hard to convince him to get an animal he doesn't want when he will have to clean up after it hopefully for the next 9 months!

Finally an ultrasound date!

It's been over a week since I found out I'm pregnant and I've been waiting to hear from the doctor's office about the ultrasound date. We left it that if I was pregnant her office would set up the appointment and if not I could make it myself. I waited a week and on Tuesday called the ultrasound clinic and booked the appointment. When she asked what it was for I said ob for dating and to rule out ectopic. She asked my LMP and I told her Oct. 15th but we think I may be a week later going off blood since that's how we found out I was pregnant. Her response was "Oh. The earliest appointment we have is Dec. 20th which is fine with the dating aspect but you'll possibly be 9.5 weeks which is leaving it a little late for possible ectopic." (which is why my dr.'s office was supposed to set it up because there is a 3 week wait with empty appointments for STATS.) She said there is a waiting list but I might want to call my gp's office and see if they want to book it sooner. Well I phoned the office and spoke to the receptionist who I hate and is useless. I only said I think they were going to book an ultrasound for me and she asked my name, got my chart and said "yup the req's in the chart and we'll call you when we've made an appointment." Then hung up! I let it go for the night and called back this morning to see if they could make the appointment where I want since it's not actually in my town but I lied and said I'm working in that building so it'd be really convenient. Her response was "Can't you just make the appointment yourself?" HAVE YOU READ MY CHART!!!! I explained to her that I had but since it's to rule out ectopic leaving it until 9.5 weeks a little long and she then passed the call on to the nurse (who I love and has been there since I was birth) and she said she'd call them right away and get back to me. She called back within 10 mins and I have the appointment on Friday (Nov. 26th) so I'll be either 5 or 6 weeks which from what I've read is a good time to catch it.

I've decided not to get or ask any information from them during or at the ultrasound. I'd rather not have that stress like the miscarriage and just be oblivious as long as possible if there is a problem.  If I'm offered pics I'll ask for them in an envelop and look at them when I'm ready ie. past 12 weeks.

Pregnancy symptoms

I'd forgotten how worrying the cramping is. I had this with Hailey from week 4 to 15 weeks and I was so worried about miscarrying with her because of the cramps. I'd talked to a friend about it who had it with all 3 pregnancies and she'd said she went to the doctor with her first and he told her it was like the egg burrowing in. I'm sure it's really just your uterus wondering what going but either way I had it with Hailey and didn't have it with the miscarriage so I keep having to remind myself that hopefully this is a good sign. I've also started to get nauseous. I haven't been sick yet but with how I've been feeling I know that's not far off. I've been trying to think of creative ways on what to do while driving to work since I'll be travelling a lot this next month in the morning and that tends to be when I feel nauseous and have gotten sick in the past. Again, I never had this with my miscarriage so I'm very hopeful all will be ok and we'll make it to the second trimester and fingers crossed the third to bring home a healthy baby sometime in July.

I still haven't heard from my doctor. I have no idea how far along I actually am. Going off my cycle it should be around July 21st but because I was still getting negative tests 4 days after my missed period I wonder if this will set back my due date? Like the HCG chart said I was somewhere between 3-4 weeks on tuesday so I'm now between 4-5 weeks. I'm thinking I'll get an appointment for the ultrasound next week or the week after at 5,6 or 7 weeks. From what I've read they can't see anything before 5 weeks anyway and with my past ultrasound disaster I'd be totally fine waiting as long as possible. If it wasn't for the pains (which are pretty much gone now) I wouldn't want an ultrasound until 12 weeks because although there's the heartbeat and your chances of miscarriage go down, I don't want that false hope and it would crush me to see a heartbeat and then find out the baby died.

It's been really cold lately. It snowed during the 10k run I did and was -5 so that was fun!!!!!! I'll put 2 pics up. The first is everyone who was in it. My aunts and mum walked 5 k and my cousin and I ran 10k. The second picture is my mum and I :)

I think I'm on the verge of getting sick. I haven't been sleeping well lately and the stress of worrying about the pregnancy and running the 10 k in those conditions has given me a lovely cold sore. I'm going to try my hardest not to pass this on to my kids because as much as I love my mum I secretly curse her every time I get one!!!!

Dr's appointment

I had a Dr's appointment tonight. I set it up on Friday because I've been getting pains in my lower right pelvis for nearly 2 weeks. The pains had been getting better but I think it could be a bladder infection without the typical pain when peeing.  This coupled with my lack of period means I had to go for a serum HCG and urine tests as we are hoping it's a bladder infection. I also have to get an ultrasound done. I asked if this could wait until after Dec. 22nd (which is when I go back to my normal job) and she put urgent on the form and told me that if my levels show I'm pregnant I have to get it done soon, if not she suggests not waiting but it should be ok. The results should be online in less then 2 hours. She told me that based on my cycle it's not likely ectopic but it'd need to be ruled out early just in case.

I'm trying not to think what being pregnant will mean. I was offered this position because I said I'd be available between Nov. 22- Dec 22nd. Then if I am I will have to take at least a morning or afternoon off and miss a meeting. Hoping if I am they can somehow squeeze me in on Friday, although I won't hold my breath. Reading that back I just realized how sad it is that I'm more concerned about my job and how I'll look taking more time off then my health. I got the girl in the back who gets the blood ready to send to our main lab to take my blood so she is hopefully the only one that knows and will know. Going to have a shower and get ready for bed. I'll update when the results come up.

*UPDATE*

Just checked online and I'll start by saying my urine tests were normal and I expect the culture to be as well.

My HCG level was 35.
Here's the chart:
Time after LMP Expected Range 
3rd Week (6 - 71)
4th Week (10 - 750)
5th Week (217 - 7138)
6th Week (158 - 31795)
7th Week (3697 - 163563)
8&9th Week (32065 - 151410)
10th Week (46509 - 186977)
12th Week (27832 - 210612)
14th Week (13950 - 62530)
15th Week (12039 - 70971)
16th Week (9040 - 56451)
17&18th Week (8175 - 58176)
Non-Pregnant (Less than 10)

So here's to thinking positive and I ovulated late. I called my sister (who's a tech) and begged her not to tell my mum. I asked her if it's possible to have an HCG at 35 and not be pregnant and she said no. I guess I'll speak my manager and let her know what's going on. As much as I wanted to do this job I'm going to put my health first and if it means they get someone else then that's ok.

I should explain the reason I'm so worried about ectopic. My aunt didn't know she was pregnant until 9 weeks and at 10 weeks her tube burst due to the pregnancy being ectopic. She had surgery to remove the one side and then got an infection and they had to remove both tubes. This was her first and only pregnancy. Again to think positively, at least if it is ectopic (and hopefully it's not) we will catch it very early.

Late and waiting

Well I still haven't started my period. This is really frustrating because I've always been 28 days to the hour.  The time has changed with birth and the miscarriage but the past 2 times I'd been starting on Friday at 8:30 pm. It's now Saturday night and still no period or cramps. I just took a pregnancy test and it's negative. I'm slightly concerned because of how I've been feeling the past couple days.

I'm probably over reacting and thinking the worst but on and off since last Thursday (4 days post ovulation)  I've had a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen/pelvis. It's so low down the only thing I can think of is either my appendix or reproductive. I don't think it's not my colon since I had a colonoscopy less then 2 years ago when I found out I have celiac. The one sided pain along with my lower back pain and missed period could be ectopic. I've read that sometimes HCG levels are slow to rise. I've come to this possibility mainly because of the crappy luck we've been having so far it wouldn't surprise me.

Or most likely it's just stress! Either way I've set up an appointment with my GP for Tuesday. I don't know which is better to have my period or not since she'll most likely want to do a pelvic exam with my symptoms ( like I haven't had enough of those this past year!) It takes 3 months to get the pap results back so I'm looking forward to getting those results since I had cervical cancer at 17 (after treatment my pap's have so far been normal for the past 5 years)

I feel like such a complainer and worrier. Trying to relax as there is nothing I can do at the moment anyway.

Another month

I'll start off with saying I took a pregnancy test yesterday (Tuesday) and it was negative. It's a little early since I'm not due to start until Friday night but the wait was TORTURE! I know technically I could still be pregnant (I took an early response test) but I'm much more relaxed and excepting that it probably won't happen this month.  I told Dan last night that I hated who I'd become. Before we started trying I always said I'd never be one of those people who spent all the time thinking about getting pregnant and I wouldn't chart or anything like that. How naive was I! We weren't in a hurry to get pregnant with Hailey, it was more lets start and if it takes a while that's ok. Now that we've come so close and have held our child it's always on my mind. So taking the test has made it less stressful and now I will just look to next month.  I find it easier to see the negative test then to wait and find out from starting my period. I guess we will take this next week to decide if we are going to try in November or wait.

On a different note it was an eventful day at work! First I got a call from our head office offering me a position for the next month going around and tweaking how things are done to make it more effective. I'm really happy about this because it means I get a month break from patients and I'll be super busy so won't have much time to think about getting pregnant and what this next cycle means to us (hard to believe Hailey was conceived in 2 weeks a year ago. To go a little off topic I was thinking today how I might've lied to the doctor about my LMP so that the due date would be on Dan's birthday instead of the day before because I remember before we found out I'd said that the due date would be a day before and I was a little disappointed but I may have just done the math wrong.) So I'm really excited to do this. It'll mean a lot of travelling around (which I'll get mileage pay for) and full time hours which I'm not used to ( I work between 50-60 hours in a 2 week period.) Extra money just in time for christmas!

I also worked a split shift today. From 9-12 I was at one lab and then from 1-5 I was at another. At 3pm we got a call from my friend at the first lab saying a patient became unresponsive in the waiting room. I guess an elderly man was waiting for his wife who was our patient and just fell over. No warning, nothing. He'd stopped breathing and had no pulse.  I didn't ask her any questions about it but I'm assuming they did CPR until the ambulance arrived. It doesn't look good. He lost all muscle control so he threw up and(I'm trying to think of a tactful way to say this) lost what was in his bowels. This isn't a good sign so unfortunately I don't think he survived. His poor wife just had to watch, thankfully he came with her because at least he had a better chance of surviving then if he was at home. As sad what happened is, I was more worried about my friend who's 34 weeks pregnant and had already gone into early labour at 27 weeks. She seems to be ok, obviously shaken but her and the baby are ok. I only bring up what happened because it has me shaken. This is why I chose private lab over hospital. On my practicum I watched while doctor's worked on a cancer patient who didn't survive and I wanted to hopefully never see that again. Apparently although this isn't common it does happen (the lab I was working in the afternoon had 3 in a year and half.) It also made me think how well do I really know CPR? It's been 4 years since I've had my last training and although I have a pretty good idea, I'd be guessing where to press and how hard. In the end I guess doing CPR wrong is better then not doing it at all. Dan and I had talked while we were trying to decide with Hailey and I wouldn't have let someone who hadn't taken a child CPR course in the past year alone with her. You hope you never have to use it, but sadly you never know, especially with a heart baby.

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day. I'm going to take my grandmother up to grandpa's grave. The terrain isn't very good so she hasn't gone out there very much these past couple years.

Moving forward.....I think

I had my appointment with the psychologist today. It went really well and although this first session was just to get to know me and what's happened I left feeling better. He asked me if the hospital had suggested any books on loss and it reminded me that I was given a book called still to be born. I started reading it again tonight and it's helped.

The big moving forward step the title suggests is that I've changed the back round picture on my laptop. Here's the picture I had up

I think it made me sad every time I opened the laptop. When I put the picture up it was right after we got home from the hospital and I worried I'd forget her. I now know that's not possible and feel like I don't need that constant reminder. I've replaced it with a picture I took on a hike recently. We spend a lot of time outdoors and I love this picture :)

I've gotten over my fear of having pictures of us online so since I'm in a picture mood here's one of Dan and I during that hike. We managed to find a patch of snow and took the opportunity to have our first snow picture of the year! It's late and I'm on call tomorrow morning so I'll end here.

Trying again put on hold

I had a breakdown this afternoon. I worked a half shift today and afterwards I called to set up an appointment with the counselling service through my work. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I then went out and did grocery shopping and when I walked in the front door I just lost it. I don't know why but I just couldn't stop crying and couldn't catch my breath. My mum lives a few blocks away so I drove over and just cried. My poor mum. I can't imagine what it's like to see your child in so much emotional pain and there's nothing you can do to make it better.

It's gotta be because we started trying again. I don't know why I feel this way and where it came from but I don't want to feel like this anymore.  We can't keep trying right now. I can't handle the stress and anxiety. I'm also wondering if I should go on anti-depressants. I haven't talked to Daniel about my feelings yet but I just can't keep going on like this.

It's so confusing. All I want is to be pregnant but trying to get pregnant is stressing me out so much that I don't want to try to get pregnant. I want a baby SO badly, but I think part of it is I want Hailey. I want to be pregnant again but I want to be pregnant with Hailey. I just want my baby back. I now wish I'd had those precious few hours or days with her but then I feel selfish because of all she'd have to go through for that time together. I'm so lost and don't know how to get back or if I even can.

Hopefully the session tomorrow will help me feel better and help me understand these feelings. I'm assuming I haven't fully grieved yet. I put on a show about how I'm ok now but really I just do/say what I think are the right things so people think I'm doing well when really I'm slowly falling apart.

A little obsessed

I've come to a realization this past week. I'm pretty much obsessed with all things related to becoming pregnant. This month was supposed to be a "lets see what happens" month and although it started out that way within the first week of the cycle I'd already "planned" for days I'd be most fertile. I know this alone doesn't sound obsessive but it's all I think about. It's all I look up online. My whole days are spent counting down until I should get my period and dissecting every small thing my body does to try to find out if I'm pregnant. We've still got another 11 days to wait and it's driving me crazy! The worst part is I do have a few symptoms.  I know I ovulated Saturday and Sunday morning I woke up with period like cramps. I've been getting them on and off today as well. I had this when I was pregnant with Hailey and the doctor described it as the egg burrowing in. The problem is I don't know if it's just my imagination or not. Is my body reacting to what I want so much to be true? And if it is are we going to go through the whole miscarriage again because it's a false pregnancy and I wasn't really pregnant?

I've decided I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow. My work provides 6 free sessions a year and I went to one in August just after the miscarriage and right before Hailey's due date. Although I didn't like the lady, I can ask for someone else. I obviously still have issues and I'm stressed with wanting so badly to be pregnant. It's frustrating because 2 months ago I felt at ease not being able to try after the miscarriage. I could relax and not focus on getting pregnant. It's never been this bad. I don't know if it's because we didn't expect or feel the "need" to get pregnant too quickly with Hailey so when I did I was shocked. And then the miscarriage pregnancy wasn't planned, so I've never had this HUGE desire to become pregnant right away.

I'm sure this all comes down to my feelings of not being in control and the unknown. I keep thinking about how I'd be ok if I could just know that we'd get pregnant in December and the baby would be healthy. I'd be so ok waiting until then, but without of the stress of will I pregnant this month. The reality is I know one day we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby, I just need patience.......

Another step forward

I worked at one of my favourite labs today. A friend of mine who works there is currently 33 weeks pregnant. I haven't seen her much lately with everything going on in her life so it's always great to get to work together. We had an hour that was quiet and started chatting. I told her how Dan promised me if the next pregnancy doesn't work out I'm allowed to get a dog (Dan isn't really an animal person.) While we were chatting she took my hand and placed it on her belly where the baby was kicking. She then looked at me and said "I promise you will feel this again but it'll be your baby kicking you." After a little cry I then got up the courage to ask her what I've been thinking about for a while. I asked if I could come over sometime after she's the baby to hold him. I don't want the first newborn I hold after Hailey to be our second child and since she's having a boy it makes it a little easier. She said absolutely and since it's a c section she'll need the help.  I'm so thankful with how understanding and supportive she's been.

I ended up getting the mercury free flu shot today. I sat down with the nurse and told her how I know it probably doesn't have any effect but I got it last year just after we'd conceived and she had a heart defect. She said that it's really unlikely for anything like that to be affected by the mercury but she completely understood my need to feel like I've changed something this time around. It's such a horrible feeling knowing there's nothing you can do to prevent it from happening again. At least if we knew what caused HLHS I could try to prevent it.

Every 2.5 minutes

Our shirts arrived today. My family is participating in a run/walk for the heart and stroke foundation. My cousin in law and myself are doing the 10 k run while everyone else is doing a 5k walk. I ordered shirts online from hopeforhlhs.com and I'm so happy they've arrived with a month to spare. Looking at these shirts makes me really sad though.

How did I get here? I think back to last year when we'd just started trying and can't believe where we are now. We were so naive, carefree and stupid. Stupid for thinking bad things couldn't happen to us. The thing is I don't know anyone who hasn't had a healthy baby.  I'd heard horror stories about babies with problems and all I really thought about was downs syndrome. My doctor scared me a few days before my 18 week ultrasound because he phoned and left a message about the results from my triple screen. It took him forever to say the results were good and we had nothing to worry about. I'm sure the message was actually less then 30 seconds but I was so scared and worried since he told me he wouldn't call unless there was a problem! I thought I was good after hearing that. I thought it was all set and we'd have a healthy beautiful baby in a few months like everyone else. That feeling when you hear there is something seriously wrong with your baby, I can't describe it. I guess the best way is you can almost feel your whole world falling apart. I don't remember too much of our long 2 hour conversation with the team of doctors. All I remember is staring at the picture I'd just received of our baby and then after awhile not being able to look at it (I think I actually turned it over) because all I wanted to do was cry. It took having an HLHS baby to realize that like the shirt says "every 2.5 minutes a baby is born with a congenital heart defect." About 1 in 100.

I don't know how people do it. I don't know how women find the strength to go through labour knowing what the baby is up against. I didn't like being pregnant with Hailey.  I took it all for granted, but the moment I found out she was sick I wanted her to be able to stay in me forever. I knew I could only protect her for so long.  Now, I'd go through years of morning sickness to bring her back and have her healthy. 

I'm going to end this now before Dan walks in and sees me crying. I've convinced him to buy a doppler for our next pregnancy. It won't change anything and it won't tell us anything since Hailey's heart sounded normal but I've been really anxious the past couple weeks. 2 girls I'm close with from work are due to have babies soon and I'm so terrified for them. I don't know if I'll be able to make it 40 weeks with our next baby. I'm all too aware of how quickly things can go wrong.

To get the flu shot or not to......

Well it's flu season and the occupational health nurse will be around next week to give us our annual flu shots. I went through this dilemma last year.  She came around in November (when we conceived Hailey) and I said no to the H1N1 but I got the flu shot. It all just freaks me out a little bit because they don't know what causes HLHS and while lots of pregnant women get the flu shot I don't know if it's worth taking the risk. I talked to my husband this morning about it and I think we've decided I'll get the flu shot but ask for the one without mercury. Although it doesn't look like mercury affects heart growth, with the uncertainty of Hailey's brain development I don't want to take the chance for that reason either.  The crappy thing is because I work with sick people I have to sign a form saying if I do get sick I won't be covered for time off, which I guess doesn't really matter since I've used most of my sick days for hospital appointments with both pregnancies.

On another note I'm happy to say that we have decided to start trying this month.  I HATE the waiting game and have always been frustrated with the lack of control in the whole baby making process. I'm a planner and this past year has been frustrating not just because of how things turned out with Hailey but also the lack of being in control. It's been a tough lesson for me. Patience is also not my forte! I just have to keep reminding myself if it takes 6 months to a year for us to get pregnant and have a healthy baby then it's worth the wait. It'll suck and the waiting will torture me but I don't want to go through what we have these past 7 months again, so if I have to be patient I will.

I also weighed myself this morning and I'm back to my pre pregnancy weight!!!!!!! I should add that although I've lost the weight it seems to be in different areas since I still can't fit comfortably into my pants and have been forced to continue to wear maternity (I refuse to give in and buy a bigger size.) However I am VERY close and can fit into my scrubs which are still a little tight for my liking. Hoping to gain it all back again over the next year!

possibly trying again

I started a new cycle friday night. After Hailey we were told to wait 2 cycles and I'm sure I've said this before but Dan and I disagree on what this means. (I think after you start your third period while Dan says after your second since you had to have a cycle to get to your first.) So since this is my second after the miscarriage we are contemplating starting to try again this month. There's a problem though. When my sister got engaged she asked me not to be too pregnant for her wedding since I'm the maid of honour. I promised her I wouldn't be more then in my 6th month (which means start trying in November.) Is it really selfish of me to start trying a month early? Assuming it works first try I'd be 30+1 weeks for the wedding instead of 26. Is there really a huge difference in belly size at that point anyway? Also my cousin who will be a bridesmaid is trying to get pregnant and will be trying this month again. It's hard to explain how I feel about wanting to get pregnant. Before we got pregnant with Hailey I probably would've thought what's another month, we can wait. Now I just think what if October is our month to get pregnant and have a healthy baby?

I don't even know if I'm ready. I get a little panicky when I think about being pregnant again but at the same time I want it so much. Not just having a baby at the end but I really miss being pregnant. As much as I hated the first 13 weeks since I was so sick with Hailey I miss it. I miss knowing there's someone growing inside of me. The other issue weighing me down is thinking of this time last year. My cycle is 1 day out what it was last year. We started trying in October to get pregnant with Hailey and it makes me sad to think here we are a full year later with no baby. I also worry that I might not try next month. I don't know if I have it in me to chance having the due date 1 day off of Hailey's. Also all the appointments would be roughly the same time frame just a year difference. Then I go back to what if November is our month to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

It's all so frustrating and confusing :(

The run

Happy Canadian thanksgiving. My week has been filled with accomplishments. On Tuesday I did my first baby at work. A 7 day old baby girl came in for a bilirubin (test for jaundice) and I decided I was going to do her. I've done children since Hailey but the youngest has been 6 months and I took the blood from his arm. This was the first time a newborn would be crying because of me. This was my first time being so close to a newborn, especially a newborn girl. I told my coworkers I was going to do it and they were great saying they'd be close by if I needed them. As I was getting everything ready all I could think about was how I didn't want to cry in front of the mother, how horrible that would be and how I'd have to explain myself. It went well though. I didn't cry (there were tears in my eyes before and after but I hold it together.)

Yesterday I also did my first 8 K run. My sister signed up to do a half marathon (21 km) and my mum, aunt and I all signed up for the 8 km road race with plans to walk it (when I signed up I was newly pregnant and  hoping I'd be 18 weeks now.) When I had the miscarriage I decided I'd plan to run it, so I've spent the past 2 months training to get up to 8 K.  Because it's getting dark earlier I've been running on the treadmill at the gym but never got further then 6.5 km. On friday a few hours before we left I decided to do the run around our local park. It took me 59 minutes to do the 8 km. I went into the run yesterday with a goal to finish under 1 hour since this run had hills and I'd never trained with hills I figured I'd be a little slower. I'm not sure what my chip time was ( you wear a chip on your shoe and it tracks when you cross the start and finish line for accurate time) but my watch said 51 minutes! My short term goal is to do a 10 km run in November (if the weather holds out and there's no snow) then take a break from running because we are going to start trying again in November and I get too hot when I run which isn't good during pregnancy. I'm going to keep up my cardio though and after we have our next baby get back to training again. I've decided I'm going to do the Disneyland half marathon, probably in 2012. 

Looking forward to turkey dinner tonight!

ups and downs

My emotions tend to be in waves. While I have a lot more good then bad days I've been trying to figure out and pinpoint what changed to make me feel that way. Yesterday was a bad day. It didn't start out that way but by the time I got home I was really depressed.  I looked back at my day and there were 2 possibilities. I'd e-mailed a friend who didn't know about Hailey (last time we'd talked I was 18 weeks, just before the ultrasound) and told him what happened. I didn't really know if this was the right thing to do. There's no etiquette about when to tell people. I just hate that awkwardness of them knowing something happened since I don't have a baby but not wanting to ask so I just find it better to get it out of the way and move on to what's new with them. I just worry that people will think I'm looking for attention, or "poor me."

Then I started thinking about the other thing that happened yesterday. I didn't realize how much it affected me until I started to think about it and wanted to cry. The lab I was working at had a practicum student so my teacher from years ago came in to see how it was going. Last time I saw her I was 22 weeks and trying to decide what to do. I didn't talk to her about it but I'm sure she was wondering why I was no longer pregnant and at work. I hate these encounters because it makes me think of how I should have Hailey here and how unfair it is she's not.

Today is a better day emotionally. I have the day off and since I've fallen behind on school work my goal is to do a whole section of Physics and start another semester of Biology. It's so hard to get motivated at the moment. Oh and my husband convinced me to go for a 3 hour return trip to Krispy Kreme last night so there's 24 donuts sitting in the kitchen calling to me.  So much for trying to lose weight!

One of those days

I've had a pretty good week so far. I got a copy of the autopsy and it pretty much gives no answers about the brain weight. The only reason they suspect a typo is they can't find a reason for the weight difference. The weight was 32g and average is around 73g(+/- 11g.)  It was fully formed and the right length/width. Who knows, I've given up trying to figure it out.

Today while driving home from work I had this urge to go the cemetery where we scattered Hailey's ashes. These strong urges always freak me out. I got the feeling like there is some reason I'm being pulled in this direction and just have to trust it. Nothing unusual happened though. I cried and told her how much I love her and missed her and wished she could be with me. I told my grandfather how much I love him and to take care of her. Maybe it's just paranoia but I've never had that strong of a feeling to do anything before. I wonder if something bad would've happened if I'd continued to drive home. I'm home safe and sound now though.
So happy it's the weekend. I think I'm getting a cold so looking forward to sitting around relaxing after going wedding dress shopping with my sister in the morning.

Feeling Happier

This week for the most part has been a good one and I'm pretty sure I know why. On Sunday my sister came over to say she's gotten engaged! She told me she wanted me to be maid of honor and we agreed I would be no more then 6 months pregnant for the wedding. Although they haven't set a date it will either be in May or September. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. We can either start trying in November or February and it's such a long way away I'm not worrying about it. Getting pregnant at the moment doesn't cross my mind so I don't have the anxiety of all that can and has gone wrong with the previous pregnancies. The wedding has really been a blessing in disguise. My sister felt really bad about the deal so I told her how I'm feeling and hopefully she doesn't feel too guilty now.

I'm still waiting for my GP to phone saying they have the autopsy results. I think I'll phone tomorrow and if they don't have them get the genetic counsellor to either fax it to my work or if they won't then my GP. I'd really like to read it over before our support group tomorrow night as I don't want to wait another month to really be able to talk about it. I've been talking to friends and family about my tattoo idea. I'd pretty much decided if I was going to get it to do it on the front of my foot but then a friend said you can't wear socks or shoes for 2 weeks while it heals. It's now moved up to my ankle. I told Dan Friday night while we were lying in bed and we got into a really big fight. All I said was that I thinking of getting a tattoo and he freaked out saying "you don't need a tattoo to remember your baby." I asked him if he even wanted to know what it was and where and he said no. He'd assumed I'd been talking to friends and they convinced me to do it when really it was my idea. He actually said he'd divorce me if I got one. This made me really angry.  His feelings where that we talked about it before we married and I said I'd never get a tattoo, which is true. However I never thought we'd be where we are today and that an image could be so meaningful I'd never regret getting it. Also if you'd asked me before we got married or even before we found out about HLHS if I'd make the decisions we did, I'd have said never. Yet here we are today. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My stubbornness kicks in too and when hearing the divorce argument it kind of makes me want to dig my heels in. Anyway long story short I explained to him why I want the tattoo. It honestly has nothing to do about remembering Hailey. What it really comes down to is that besides the ashes those footprints are all I have of her and by getting that tattoo I feel like a part of her will always be with me. I told him at night because I knew it would turn into a fight and he'd be able to sleep on it. In the morning he came to me and begged not to get the tattoo or at least wait and he'd try to think of something else that we can do instead. I wasn't planning on getting it anytime soon. I want to think about it for at least a few more months, so we'll see.

I joined a gym and Sunday's are family day so Dan and I are off to play squash!!!!

Autopsy results

I haven't seen or read the autopsy report but the genetic counsellor called Friday to say the results were back. We'd previously agreed that if everything was what we expected then we would just talk it over on the phone, and that's what we did. I'll do a brief summary and when I get my hands on a copy of the report I'll go into more detail. Basically they confirmed HLHS as well as valve atresia. I was a little taken back because although I knew about the valve issue I was under the assumption this was part of the disorder. I guess it just worries me if there was more then 1 defect. I was also surprised to hear that our odds for previous pregnancies are 3-5% for the SAME defect. Again I thought that those were the odds for ALL heart defects not just HLHS. Hearing these odds are scary. I know 5% is great odds and that they could be a lot worse and I really am thankful, but I'm scared. We went into the pregnancy with Hailey not even thinking of defects when really our odds were 1% for some sort of heart defect ( stats show about 1 in 100 babies have a defect, most of which are very minor.) I guess I just look at it as these really were our odds with Hailey and we hit them first try. She also stated that they are starting to lean more toward some sort of genetic disorder with the possibility mixed with environmental. I just hate knowing there's nothing I can do to prevent this from happening a second time.

Now for the really frustrating part.......Her brain was underweight for gestational age. This could mean 2 things. 1- Her brain wasn't getting sufficient oxygen or 2- a typographical error. Apparently in the report the pathologist questions wether the weight as a possible typo. What the hell????? I get how it can happen but how can you not be more careful? We allowed an autopsy to get answers as well as help them understand the disorder better and now we are just left with more questions that can't be answered. I'm really looking forward to reading the report and seeing why it's possibly a typo. If there's a number missing and the brain is severely underweight then yes, most likely just a typo.

This is such a strange experience. I never thought I'd be writing or telling people about my child's autopsy and her brain weight. It just feels so wrong. I miss her so much.

Get together for Hailey

On Saturday most of the family on my mum's side got together to spread Hailey's ashes. We decided to do this at my grandfather's grave. We all met and headed down there at 2pm. Afterwards everyone came over for a BBQ at our place. It was really great. I really feel like we've had more closure. I also think everyone else has been able to get closure from this too. When I was thinking about doing it I wanted to involve my family, so my mum was the first to scatter some of her ashes, then my sister, dad, grandmother, Daniel and myself. Afterwards I went around and gave everyone a balloon while my mum handed out sharpies and asked if anyone would like to put a message for Hailey. Then we let all the balloons go. I'll put a picture up of the balloons flying away. There were 24 people at our house for the bbq including 3 kids so although it was chaotic I wouldn't change a thing (except to be there celebrating Hailey's birth and here being healthy of course.)

On a different note I think I've found what I'd like to do to remember Hailey. A patient today had a tattoo of her child's footprint on her wrist. I couldn't believe how huge a full term baby's foot is compared to Hailey's footprints! My husband isn't a tattoo person so I can see an argument happening when I tell him. I think I'll try to figure out where to have it first before I tell him about it. I'll put a pic of her footprints up too so you can see just how small they really were. My doctor called tonight at 8:30 to talk about my results. She wants to do another HCG next week to make sure it's gone to negative. I really love my doctor. She tried calling friday but my husband stole my cell phone for the day and talked to her. She told me tonight that it's her week off but she'd go in and put a note in my chart to have it faxed to whatever lab I want.

I never get tired of looking at pics of her or things that remind me of her :)

HCG levels

I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon and told her how I've been feeling. I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms while I was pregnant but now I've only been eating a little bit of dinner because I feel nauseous when I eat. I also told her about my hospital visit so she ordered a CBC, ferritin (both to check for anemia) and HCG level to make sure it was coming down instead of rising. The good news is that the ultrasound showed there was nothing left of the pregnancy. Through this miscarriage experience I have to say you never fully or want to believe it's actually happened. I left hoping my levels would be consistent with 11 or 9 weeks and hoped that they just missed seeing something. The good news is my hemoglobin is back up to 131 (range is 115-160.) My ferritin is also in the lower ranges of normal and my HCG is 17. It's amazing how it dropped from over 9000 to 17 in 23 days. The good news with this  is that less then 10 is a negative so the miscarriage should officially be over soon and then in theory I should go back to a normal cycle. The sooner this happens the sooner we can start trying again. We've decided we're going to wait the full 3 months. I want to be sure my body has fully recovered and I'd like to have at least 2 cycles to base when my due date should be.

I want to make it clear that Hailey will never be replaced. I struggle constantly with my feelings of becoming pregnant as I wish so much she were here. I'd stop now if all we could have was her healthy. One child would've been enough if that's all we are/were fortunate to have. I've always wanted children. I've always wanted to be young mum. As much as it hurts to not have Hailey here I can't give up on that dream. Not a day has gone by I haven't thought of her. Not a day goes by I don't wish things were different. I've had to except that I can't change what's happened or the decisions I've made.

We're scattering the rest of Hailey's ashes on Saturday with my family. My mum continues to amaze me. I just can't believe how she always knows what to do or say. I hadn't said anything but I'd been thinking of putting a picture of Hailey up in our living room. My mum moved into my grandmother's after she had a couple bad falls a few years ago. My grandma has pictures of all her grandchildren and great grandchildren above the fireplace. My mum went out and bought a frame, took a picture of an angel she made for Hailey with her name and birthday on it and put that picture up.  As much as it made me cry I'm so thankful for this. She is part of me as well as a part of my mum and grandma. She is and always will be a part of the family and I'm so thankful my mum has done this to acknowledge her. Everything we've done to acknowledge all the family members my mum has added Hailey to, including adding her own snowman to the christmas tree at my grandma's. I'll take a picture of what I have going in the living room to remember her.

Why do people ask?

I've started getting really frustrated lately. I've been having a lot of people ask when we are going to start trying again. No one knows about our recent miscarriage and it's really hard since I don't know what to tell people. I end up just giving the awkward "I don't know, not for a few months." Sometimes I really just want to say "well since we just miscarried it'll be at least 2 months before we can think of trying again."  I wonder if this is happening because of how open I was with our last pregnancy and it's expected now. I know they're trying to be nice and really just want to know how I'm doing after all we've been through but there's no way this question isn't hurtful.  I think this is such an insensitive question to ask to anyone, especially someone who has lost a pregnancy. Really there's only 4 ways this could go.
1- I'm pregnant and don't want to tell anyone in which case you'll know when I want it out.
2- We're trying but haven't gotten pregnant yet. Thanks for reminding me how much I want a baby.
3- We aren't trying  because I'm not ready but thanks for reminding me about losing Hailey.
4- We've lost another pregnancy and thanks for reminding me I'm still childless. (With this being the case it makes me really sad when people ask because I think about how I should be 11 weeks and only 1 more to go before I could tell.)

I wish I knew an answer that wouldn't let people know what we're going through but get it across that it's none of their business and don't ask again. We were only going to tell our families at 13 weeks and then wait to tell everyone else after the ultrasound/echo at 18 weeks. I'm thinking in future pregnancies it won't work since I started showing noticeably at 10 weeks with Hailey. I was hoping no one would have the guts to ask if I was because of what we went through since it's bad enough asking someone who isn't pregnant if they are let alone someone who lost a pregnancy, but apparently people have no problem asking.

I've started to get sad about this miscarriage. I figured it would happen once we passed the due date and it has. I had such high hopes for this pregnancy. I just have to keep reminding myself it'll happen one day, hopefully sooner then later.

Today was Hailey's due date

As the title says today was Hailey's due date. It's also my husbands birthday. I've been struggling with this for a while. I want to be supportive and hope he has a great birthday but all I want to do is lay in bed and cry.  My work booked me off for today and my mum and I will be going to my grandfather's grave (where we will scatter the ashes next weekend) this afternoon with pink balloons. We're going to write messages on them for her and let them float away. We've been trying to find something to do to mark this special day. My mum suggested buying baby food/formula and taking them to the local food bank. I really like this idea but what it comes down to is I'm nowhere near ready to go to a store and buy these things. To be honest I'm also still bitter at the thought of others being able to have children who can't afford food while we can and are childless. Maybe next year when everything isn't so raw. I've been thinking of going out today and getting a heart necklace. I've got my bracelet with her name on it but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm not a jewellery person at all but I love wearing my bracelet. I just need these little reminders that she happened and I love her so much.

I'm hoping things will get better and easier after today has passed. I haven't had a chance to grieve the miscarriage because it happened so close to the due date. As terrifying the thought of losing another pregnancy is I've had a renewed interest in hoping it happens again quickly. Since this day marks the end of a year for my husband I'm hoping 29 is our year :)

Feeling guilty

I'm feeling guilty about not being very upset about the miscarriage. Yes I'm sad it happened and i wish it didn't but I'm not really upset about it. I don't know if this is because before 12 weeks you know it can happen or just due to what we went through with Hailey I'm ok with it happening. My views on miscarriage have always been that there was something very wrong with the baby. I also feel like after losing Hailey later in the pregnancy I'm more ok with a miscarriage because I'd rather it happen now then 14-40 weeks in. Maybe it's because we are over the shock. Nothing surprises us anymore and we knew it would likely end this way nearly 2 weeks before. I know my husband is upset and sad. I told him how I was feeling last night and he tried to make me feel better by saying "you shouldn't feel sad when you get your period, so you don't have to now." That's not really true. I guess in a way this pregnancy was only a potential baby and same with my egg every month but the fact that a baby had started to form makes me care more. I think it all has to do with how close this is coming to Hailey's due date. I hate thinking about how different our lives would've been if we had kept going, or if she would've been healthy. I should be getting the room ready and making sure the car seat is installed correctly not going for an ultrasound to make sure I had a complete miscarriage.

I had that appointment today. I was secretly hoping she'd say "it looks like you had twins....and one's still there!" but I knew it wasn't going to happen. She didn't say anything, just told me it can take a week for the doctor to get the results. I went by myself and when I told my husband about the time frame he was shocked but really we all know if something had come up I'd know before I left the hospital. I guess a slight positive is that this is the first time at an ultrasound they didn't have to leave the room to speak with a doctor! Hopefully this means our luck is changing. I'm getting really frustrated with this whole miscarriage thing. I just want it to be over. I had to leave work early on Wednesday because the cramps and pains were coming back. I ended up going to a walk in clinic to find out what and how much I could take of pain relievers (a lot more then I thought!) I'd assumed this was happening because I didn't fully miscarry and there was still more that was going to come out. Well I was just finishing doing an ECG today and I felt a clot come. Thankfully it's a short walk to the bathroom and nobody noticed. I was so frustrated though because I'd pretty much stopped bleeding until then.

I also had a bit of a panic attack this morning. I started thinking about what the emerg doctor said about genetic testing. I realized the baby stopped growing very early. What if this was because of another heart defect that meant the heart never formed or started beating? I know I'm probably just thinking too much into it.

My husband turns 29 tomorrow. I'm really hoping that this year is a good year for him. We are due for some good things to happen :)

Feeling better

As Hailey's due date rapidly approaches I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the positives in life.  While we are struggling with having children I really am blessed. I have an amazing husband who I love so much and who I have no doubt loves me too. We have a very open and honest relationship. We tell each other everything (at least I do and assume he does too!) He truly is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. 

I also have an amazing family. My dad's side is a little lacking (my grandfather was not a very nice person. Short version.....he left my grandmother behind in Hungary, divorced her and told my dad she was dead when he was 4. She finally found him 15 years ago through the red cross.) My mum has 7 brothers and sister and they are all very close. I love spending holidays at my grandma's since it's always a little crazy when everyone is together.  I also have a few good friends. My husband says I'm too picky in making friends, but to me what it comes down to is I'd rather have a few good friends who I trust and can rely on instead of a whole bunch of friends who aren't there for me. 

While I'm sad this pregnancy didn't work out, I know things happen for a reason. I've also realized that life has a funny way of working itself out. We are going through this hard time now, but will one day look back and be grateful for all we have been through to get us where we are. This experience has taught me a lot. I'm not a very patient person and as my sister pointed out to me yesterday, if our next pregnancy is successful I'll have been pregnant the same amount of time an elephant is.....18 months! I know one day we will have a healthy baby and I'm trying very hard to be patient. I'm also very much a planner. I'd told my friends before we started trying for a baby how frustrating I found the whole process. You have no control! It's completely out of your hands when you fall pregnant. You can start trying and get pregnant that first month, or it could take a few years. You can't plan and I've had to accept that.

I'll end here but I thought I'd add a picture of our pet. My husband has a pet dander allergy so this was our compromise. 

Miss Prickles.....the hedgehog :)

I've miscarried (a warning that it might be graphic)

I'm pretty sure the doctor's were right. There was a sac but no baby. The bleeding got a little better in the morning and wasn't clotting at all but around 9pm I started bleeding quite a bit. It felt like I was in labour. I miscarried at around 12:30 am (not quite an hour ago.) I'm a little concerned because I've never had a miscarriage before and don't know how much blood in normal. I'd assume it's like after giving birth but I've already gone through 2 pads. I'm staying up to keep an eye on it since my doctor told me if I start bleeding heavily (going through 3 pads an hour) then go to the hospital. I've also still got pretty bad cramps that make me stop what I'm doing and just hold my stomach (almost like REALLY bad menstral cramps.)

While physically I've been better, emotionally I'm ok. As sad as I am to see this pregnancy end I'm happy my body finally did what it was supposed to. I take a lot of comfort in knowing there wasn't a baby. Having gone to the ultrasound at what should've been 8 weeks was really a blessing. As stressful as these past 2 weeks have been at least we know the truth. If we can get through losing Hailey we can get through this. I  wholeheartedly believe that as sad as miscarriages are, they happen for a reason. I'd rather lose a baby now as hard as it is then have to go through another stillbirth further into the pregnancy.

I'm writing this a few hours later. I stopped writing and went to check on the bleeding. It was really bad. I didn't even have time to switch pads without getting blood everywhere so my husband took me to the hospital. The drive is less then 5 minutes away and by the time I got there I had soaked through the new pad. The first hour we were there I went through 5. The nurses where really great and when we saw the doctor he did a CBC (to check my hemoglobin to see if I needed a transfusion) and a group and screen (incase I needed a transfusion.) Over the 2.5 hours we were there the bleeding started slowing down and since my hemoglobin was within normal ranges they let me go home with instruction to come back if I start getting lightheaded or feel like I'm going to pass out. This means Daniel gets the job of watching me for the day just to make sure I don't pass out! They've also told me to keep my ultrasound appointment to make sure there is nothing left behind. When we got home I e-mailed my sister because I knew she was in blood bank this morning to let her know what happened. I guess she didn't read my e-mail because she called at 7am asking if I was ok. She was clearing papers from last night and noticed my name. This is exactly why I sent the e-mail so she wouldn't have to panic and worry. Oh well she now knows everything should be ok. I should also add that when we got home I passed what I believe is a baby. My husband thought it was strange that I was trying to get a good look at this huge clot but I'm pretty sure I can see a tiny umbilical cord. The fetus seems to be wrapped in this strange large red thing I can only assume was supposed to be the placenta. All I can see is a little bit of white in the middle so I don't know for sure if this is the fetus or something else. I've kept it because I didn't feel right just flushing it down the toilet. I'm going to bury it near one of our bushes today.

Besides being really tired I'm doing surprisingly ok. I think this has to do with us knowing for the past 2 weeks we may lose this pregnancy and with the bleeding for 4 days I had time to prepare for what was most likely going to happen. Dan and I have decided we are going to wait the full 3 months before trying again. I really want to give my body a rest and let it heal itself.  We will definitely be more careful and diligent in making sure we don't become pregnant for a few months as we feel it is important for this break now. I know one day we will have a healthy child. I'm hoping with all that we've been through it has made us realize just how amazing a baby/child can be. We will never take for granted how lucky we will be when we one day get to take our baby home from the hospital :)

The ER doctor said since we've a pregnancy with a birth defect and a miscarriage we can go for genetic testing if we wanted. He suggested I talk to my GP after the scan. I don't think we will yet. We'll give pregnancy one more go before we worry about genetics. Hopefully both these experiences are a one time deal.

still bleeding

As the title says I'm still bleeding. I took yesterday off work because I was worried I might miscarry and really didn't want it to happen at work. I also phoned my doctor's office about my scan they were booking to ask if it was still necessary. My doctor phoned me yesterday evening to ask what I assume is normal questions with bleeding during pregnancy. What kind of bleeding/ how much? Any cramping? Basically it sort of looks/feels like a period. There's been a few very small clots and I haven't really had much cramping. She told me if the bleeding gets really bad or I start getting painful cramps then go to emerg, otherwise she wanted me to come in at 9:30 this morning.

I saw her briefly today and she pretty much asked me the same questions again. My scan had already been booked for Thursday the 19th so she said if nothing changes then go to the scan. Either way I will most likely have this scan. I haven't miscarried yet and sometimes you need a D&C. I'm very undecided about this. After what happened with Hailey I'd decided from then on I would leave everything up to God.  They wouldn't do one until they did a scan and were sure there was no live baby, but I don't know if I could take that chance. Eventually my body must end the pregnancy naturally right? 

I guess what it comes down to is I'm still in limbo. 4 things can happen. I will miscarry naturally and the scan will show there is nothing left of the pregnancy, I will miscarry but still need a D&C because there's something left behind, I don't miscarry and need a D&C because my body sucks and can't deal with it on it's own or........... I don't miscarry and at the scan there's a healthy baby and heart beat.

I know this last one is against all odds but I've always said after Hailey I don't trust odds. Hailey's defect is not very common. It happens, but when you do the ratio of HLHS to the number of pregnancies a year the odds are incredibly low. For this reason I will keep faith that this pregnancy still has potential however small that chance may be. Deep down I know what will probably happen but I will not lose faith that this could work out. 

spotting

I know I've done a lot of posts the past couple days but this is also my way of keeping track of what happens and when. Last night after much debate my husband convinced me to have sex. I know this may sound odd but with this pregnancy I've noticed my cervix is less tolerant. Due to my past cervical issues I always bleed when I have a pap smear done. With this pregnancy there's been a few times I've also bled after sex. Pretty much any time my cervix is touched I've started spotting, including the ultrasound. (Sorry if this is TMI!)

I woke up this morning and when I wiped after peeing there was brown blood. I know this means dried blood and with last night I wasn't too worried. As the morning progressed the brown blood turned to red spotting. I only worked until noon today so when I got home I just stayed in bed and watched t.v. When I did go to the bathroom I noticed 3 small (very small) clots at different times through the day. I'm not bleeding a lot and it seems to switch between brown and red. I've only told my husband and one friend this as I don't want to worry my mum and sister since there is nothing that can be done if I am going to miscarry. I'm still hopeful though. I've known a lot of women who have had some sort of bleeding during their pregnancy's and it turns out ok. (The friend I told had bleeding all the way through her last pregnancy with her daughter.) I know the odds are against me, but I refuse to give up hope.  I will continue to believe this pregnancy can work out until I fully miscarry or hopefully, give birth.

I did tell one new person what was going on. My cousin and her husband (who now live in the US) who are both pastors. I e-mailed her last night to ask for her to pray for us and this baby. I also wrote that I do not plan on telling the rest of my family (besides her mum, who I'm very close with after we scatter Hailey's ashes) until I am at least 16 weeks.

I also wanted to say a huge thank-you to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. I should hopefully get a call from my doctor tomorrow with a scan date (and fingers crossed the spotting stops.) Hope everyone is having a good week.

Back from Dr's appointment

I just got back from my appointment with my GP.  She was horrified that the ultrasound tech told me I would start bleeding. She said they are NEVER allowed to say that. I now will definitely be complaining. She also had to call and have a report faxed over even though my scan was a week to the day. Here's what was written in the report:

LMP: 05-Jun-2010
ASSIGNED GA: 6W 1D
SONOGRAPHIC FINDINGS: Single Fetus
IMAGING: scan quality satisfactory (I knew the scan quality wasn't good since they turned the contrast down instead of getting me to empty my bladder)
COMMENT: No CRL seen, no YS seen.
IMPRESSION: An intrauterine pregnancy is identified. By mean sac diameter, there is a 2 week discordance in dates. However, there is also neither fetal pole nor a yolk sac seen on today's scan. My suspicion is that this represents a missed abortion. However, it is worth giving this pregnancy the benefit of the doubt. Suggest repeat examination in 1 week. (After talking to my husband who had no idea what a missed abortion meant I feel I should clarify. A missed abortion basically means a missed miscarriage. The baby has stopped growing but my body hasn't realized yet.)
BEST EDD: 28-Mar-2011

When my doctor came back in, she sat down next to me and read it out. She also told me she has seen this before and women have gone on to have healthy babies from the pregnancy. She asked if I'd like to go back to that hospital and I said no. She's going to try to book a scan in a week with my local hospital.

Keeping the hope alive :)

Loss group last night

I have my appointment with my GP in an hour and am looking forward to hopefully having a little bit more information about what's going on. I'll update as soon as I get back.

On a different note Dan and I went to our neonatal loss support group last night. This was only our second meeting since we meet once a month. This time there was just us and one other couple. Near the end of the meeting I told them and the counsellor what we've been going through this past week because although I'm so happy to potentially be pregnant again but there's still that guilt about moving forward from our loss with Hailey and feeling as though she is going to be replaced. After the meeting was over, we stood out in the parking lot for a good 15 minutes chatting. They showed us pictures of their stillborn son and shared that they had just found out they too were pregnant! I was nervous about sharing what we were going through with the group in fear that they would look down on us for becoming pregnant again so it was nice to not be alone. They then said the other couple who were there last week is pregnant as well! All 3 couples who attend regularly are pregnant and due early 2011! With the other lady that attends the group occasionally who is 28 weeks we've just turned the group from neonatal loss to pregnancy after loss! Dan always looking at things a little differently told me when we got home how horrible it will be for the next couple who joins having to see a room full of pregnant women. I just hope we never have to have another couple join although deep down I know it will happen to someone else soon enough.

I wrote a blog last week and wanted to attach pictures of Hailey but I can't find out how to do it yet. I've added pics before but have turned clueless as to how I did it. I also thought I should warn people that my next post will most likely have pics of her.

Feeling more positive

I called yesterday to make an appointment with my GP since I still have no idea what is actually going on and couldn't get one until Tuesday the 10th! She'll then book another ultrasound as long as I haven't miscarried by then. I was feeling kinda down about this but my husband said it could turn into a good thing. The longer we wait for the second scan the more likely they will see the baby and the heart beat. He's such a glass half full kinda guy!

I went to a clinic the night we got back from the hospital hoping to get some answers. He was really great. Tried to reassure me and told me he'd order whatever tests I wanted done. All I wanted was the HCG level and he called me the next day to say it came back between 6-7 weeks which means there's a very good possibility I am just 6 weeks and couldn't see anything yet because bean was too small :)

As positive as I'm being I still panic over every ache and pain I get. I've had to promise myself I'd limit going to the bathroom to check for blood for when I really need to go. As positive as I am I just can't get out of my head how certain the ultrasound tech was that we'd lose this pregnancy. I'm wondering if it's just our luck that we will have some sort of problem/worry with every pregnancy. Hopefully all will be well and we've gotten it out of the way nice and early. Bring on the healthy pregnancy and baby!

Am I being punished?

I've been writing a lot of posts today but I'm all over the place. I just feel like I'm being punished for something. Despite our decision I do believe in God. I do believe that ending the pregnancy was wrong in His eyes but I felt like I was doing the right thing for Hailey. Now I'm questioning that. I'm just so tired of hearing bad news. When is it going to be our turn? When are we going to have a good pregnancy? Are we ever going to have kids of our own or will be have to adopt?

No one seems to know the right thing to say. Everyone keeps saying the wrong thing and I keep getting frustrated. My husband's trying to be positive but I just can't. After all we've been through I can't think the best and get hurt again. I'd rather think the worst and have everything work out against the odds. The first person I told was my mum and she just kept saying "it'll happen when it's supposed to." I believe this but why? Why do we have to go through all this? Couldn't we just take a year to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy and baby instead of a year of bad news and losses? I told my sister who didn't really know what to say. Which is probably the best response I've gotten. I went to the lab to get blood tests done and got the girl I had told when I found out I as pregnant for support to take my blood. I knew she had a blighted ovum that they found at 13 weeks so I was asking her about it. It wasn't much help though. Then she said "oh you should come to my house and look after my 2 year old for a few hours. That'll make you want to wait to have kids!" Not at all what I wanted to hear. I'd love to have a 2 year old. I'd love to have a baby. I'm sure I wouldn't appreciate it if we hadn't been through all this but I'd love a colicky baby at the moment. I JUST WANT A BABY. My baby and I hate how people say that expecting me to suddenly say "your right having kids just isn't worth it after hearing about your grumpy 2 year old." I told my Dad tonight. He didn't know I was pregnant and he said "I'm sure it'll all work out in the end." What the hell is that supposed to mean? I hate when people say this. We heard that SO much with Hailey before we had the echo and only knew there might be a problem. Well it didn't work out in the end. I know too well that it doesn't always work out.

I guess the question I'm having a hard time with is: Will I ever hold my live baby or did I miss my only chance? The worst part is I'm not most upset about how this pregnancy is doing. More then anything I just miss Hailey.

I'm emotionally a wreck. I can't stop crying. One minute I'm thinking positive the next I'm going to the bathroom checking for blood. How did my life change so drastically? How did my life become so crappy? I thought the first couple years of marriage were supposed to be the best not the most trying. Daniel is trying to be supportive but there isn't really anything he can say to make this or me better. I feel like such a failure.