Am I being punished?

I've been writing a lot of posts today but I'm all over the place. I just feel like I'm being punished for something. Despite our decision I do believe in God. I do believe that ending the pregnancy was wrong in His eyes but I felt like I was doing the right thing for Hailey. Now I'm questioning that. I'm just so tired of hearing bad news. When is it going to be our turn? When are we going to have a good pregnancy? Are we ever going to have kids of our own or will be have to adopt?

No one seems to know the right thing to say. Everyone keeps saying the wrong thing and I keep getting frustrated. My husband's trying to be positive but I just can't. After all we've been through I can't think the best and get hurt again. I'd rather think the worst and have everything work out against the odds. The first person I told was my mum and she just kept saying "it'll happen when it's supposed to." I believe this but why? Why do we have to go through all this? Couldn't we just take a year to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy and baby instead of a year of bad news and losses? I told my sister who didn't really know what to say. Which is probably the best response I've gotten. I went to the lab to get blood tests done and got the girl I had told when I found out I as pregnant for support to take my blood. I knew she had a blighted ovum that they found at 13 weeks so I was asking her about it. It wasn't much help though. Then she said "oh you should come to my house and look after my 2 year old for a few hours. That'll make you want to wait to have kids!" Not at all what I wanted to hear. I'd love to have a 2 year old. I'd love to have a baby. I'm sure I wouldn't appreciate it if we hadn't been through all this but I'd love a colicky baby at the moment. I JUST WANT A BABY. My baby and I hate how people say that expecting me to suddenly say "your right having kids just isn't worth it after hearing about your grumpy 2 year old." I told my Dad tonight. He didn't know I was pregnant and he said "I'm sure it'll all work out in the end." What the hell is that supposed to mean? I hate when people say this. We heard that SO much with Hailey before we had the echo and only knew there might be a problem. Well it didn't work out in the end. I know too well that it doesn't always work out.

I guess the question I'm having a hard time with is: Will I ever hold my live baby or did I miss my only chance? The worst part is I'm not most upset about how this pregnancy is doing. More then anything I just miss Hailey.

I'm emotionally a wreck. I can't stop crying. One minute I'm thinking positive the next I'm going to the bathroom checking for blood. How did my life change so drastically? How did my life become so crappy? I thought the first couple years of marriage were supposed to be the best not the most trying. Daniel is trying to be supportive but there isn't really anything he can say to make this or me better. I feel like such a failure.