Feeling guilty

I'm feeling guilty about not being very upset about the miscarriage. Yes I'm sad it happened and i wish it didn't but I'm not really upset about it. I don't know if this is because before 12 weeks you know it can happen or just due to what we went through with Hailey I'm ok with it happening. My views on miscarriage have always been that there was something very wrong with the baby. I also feel like after losing Hailey later in the pregnancy I'm more ok with a miscarriage because I'd rather it happen now then 14-40 weeks in. Maybe it's because we are over the shock. Nothing surprises us anymore and we knew it would likely end this way nearly 2 weeks before. I know my husband is upset and sad. I told him how I was feeling last night and he tried to make me feel better by saying "you shouldn't feel sad when you get your period, so you don't have to now." That's not really true. I guess in a way this pregnancy was only a potential baby and same with my egg every month but the fact that a baby had started to form makes me care more. I think it all has to do with how close this is coming to Hailey's due date. I hate thinking about how different our lives would've been if we had kept going, or if she would've been healthy. I should be getting the room ready and making sure the car seat is installed correctly not going for an ultrasound to make sure I had a complete miscarriage.

I had that appointment today. I was secretly hoping she'd say "it looks like you had twins....and one's still there!" but I knew it wasn't going to happen. She didn't say anything, just told me it can take a week for the doctor to get the results. I went by myself and when I told my husband about the time frame he was shocked but really we all know if something had come up I'd know before I left the hospital. I guess a slight positive is that this is the first time at an ultrasound they didn't have to leave the room to speak with a doctor! Hopefully this means our luck is changing. I'm getting really frustrated with this whole miscarriage thing. I just want it to be over. I had to leave work early on Wednesday because the cramps and pains were coming back. I ended up going to a walk in clinic to find out what and how much I could take of pain relievers (a lot more then I thought!) I'd assumed this was happening because I didn't fully miscarry and there was still more that was going to come out. Well I was just finishing doing an ECG today and I felt a clot come. Thankfully it's a short walk to the bathroom and nobody noticed. I was so frustrated though because I'd pretty much stopped bleeding until then.

I also had a bit of a panic attack this morning. I started thinking about what the emerg doctor said about genetic testing. I realized the baby stopped growing very early. What if this was because of another heart defect that meant the heart never formed or started beating? I know I'm probably just thinking too much into it.

My husband turns 29 tomorrow. I'm really hoping that this year is a good year for him. We are due for some good things to happen :)