Trying again put on hold

I had a breakdown this afternoon. I worked a half shift today and afterwards I called to set up an appointment with the counselling service through my work. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I then went out and did grocery shopping and when I walked in the front door I just lost it. I don't know why but I just couldn't stop crying and couldn't catch my breath. My mum lives a few blocks away so I drove over and just cried. My poor mum. I can't imagine what it's like to see your child in so much emotional pain and there's nothing you can do to make it better.

It's gotta be because we started trying again. I don't know why I feel this way and where it came from but I don't want to feel like this anymore.  We can't keep trying right now. I can't handle the stress and anxiety. I'm also wondering if I should go on anti-depressants. I haven't talked to Daniel about my feelings yet but I just can't keep going on like this.

It's so confusing. All I want is to be pregnant but trying to get pregnant is stressing me out so much that I don't want to try to get pregnant. I want a baby SO badly, but I think part of it is I want Hailey. I want to be pregnant again but I want to be pregnant with Hailey. I just want my baby back. I now wish I'd had those precious few hours or days with her but then I feel selfish because of all she'd have to go through for that time together. I'm so lost and don't know how to get back or if I even can.

Hopefully the session tomorrow will help me feel better and help me understand these feelings. I'm assuming I haven't fully grieved yet. I put on a show about how I'm ok now but really I just do/say what I think are the right things so people think I'm doing well when really I'm slowly falling apart.