A little obsessed

I've come to a realization this past week. I'm pretty much obsessed with all things related to becoming pregnant. This month was supposed to be a "lets see what happens" month and although it started out that way within the first week of the cycle I'd already "planned" for days I'd be most fertile. I know this alone doesn't sound obsessive but it's all I think about. It's all I look up online. My whole days are spent counting down until I should get my period and dissecting every small thing my body does to try to find out if I'm pregnant. We've still got another 11 days to wait and it's driving me crazy! The worst part is I do have a few symptoms.  I know I ovulated Saturday and Sunday morning I woke up with period like cramps. I've been getting them on and off today as well. I had this when I was pregnant with Hailey and the doctor described it as the egg burrowing in. The problem is I don't know if it's just my imagination or not. Is my body reacting to what I want so much to be true? And if it is are we going to go through the whole miscarriage again because it's a false pregnancy and I wasn't really pregnant?

I've decided I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow. My work provides 6 free sessions a year and I went to one in August just after the miscarriage and right before Hailey's due date. Although I didn't like the lady, I can ask for someone else. I obviously still have issues and I'm stressed with wanting so badly to be pregnant. It's frustrating because 2 months ago I felt at ease not being able to try after the miscarriage. I could relax and not focus on getting pregnant. It's never been this bad. I don't know if it's because we didn't expect or feel the "need" to get pregnant too quickly with Hailey so when I did I was shocked. And then the miscarriage pregnancy wasn't planned, so I've never had this HUGE desire to become pregnant right away.

I'm sure this all comes down to my feelings of not being in control and the unknown. I keep thinking about how I'd be ok if I could just know that we'd get pregnant in December and the baby would be healthy. I'd be so ok waiting until then, but without of the stress of will I pregnant this month. The reality is I know one day we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby, I just need patience.......