ups and downs

My emotions tend to be in waves. While I have a lot more good then bad days I've been trying to figure out and pinpoint what changed to make me feel that way. Yesterday was a bad day. It didn't start out that way but by the time I got home I was really depressed.  I looked back at my day and there were 2 possibilities. I'd e-mailed a friend who didn't know about Hailey (last time we'd talked I was 18 weeks, just before the ultrasound) and told him what happened. I didn't really know if this was the right thing to do. There's no etiquette about when to tell people. I just hate that awkwardness of them knowing something happened since I don't have a baby but not wanting to ask so I just find it better to get it out of the way and move on to what's new with them. I just worry that people will think I'm looking for attention, or "poor me."

Then I started thinking about the other thing that happened yesterday. I didn't realize how much it affected me until I started to think about it and wanted to cry. The lab I was working at had a practicum student so my teacher from years ago came in to see how it was going. Last time I saw her I was 22 weeks and trying to decide what to do. I didn't talk to her about it but I'm sure she was wondering why I was no longer pregnant and at work. I hate these encounters because it makes me think of how I should have Hailey here and how unfair it is she's not.

Today is a better day emotionally. I have the day off and since I've fallen behind on school work my goal is to do a whole section of Physics and start another semester of Biology. It's so hard to get motivated at the moment. Oh and my husband convinced me to go for a 3 hour return trip to Krispy Kreme last night so there's 24 donuts sitting in the kitchen calling to me.  So much for trying to lose weight!