Feeling Happier

This week for the most part has been a good one and I'm pretty sure I know why. On Sunday my sister came over to say she's gotten engaged! She told me she wanted me to be maid of honor and we agreed I would be no more then 6 months pregnant for the wedding. Although they haven't set a date it will either be in May or September. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. We can either start trying in November or February and it's such a long way away I'm not worrying about it. Getting pregnant at the moment doesn't cross my mind so I don't have the anxiety of all that can and has gone wrong with the previous pregnancies. The wedding has really been a blessing in disguise. My sister felt really bad about the deal so I told her how I'm feeling and hopefully she doesn't feel too guilty now.

I'm still waiting for my GP to phone saying they have the autopsy results. I think I'll phone tomorrow and if they don't have them get the genetic counsellor to either fax it to my work or if they won't then my GP. I'd really like to read it over before our support group tomorrow night as I don't want to wait another month to really be able to talk about it. I've been talking to friends and family about my tattoo idea. I'd pretty much decided if I was going to get it to do it on the front of my foot but then a friend said you can't wear socks or shoes for 2 weeks while it heals. It's now moved up to my ankle. I told Dan Friday night while we were lying in bed and we got into a really big fight. All I said was that I thinking of getting a tattoo and he freaked out saying "you don't need a tattoo to remember your baby." I asked him if he even wanted to know what it was and where and he said no. He'd assumed I'd been talking to friends and they convinced me to do it when really it was my idea. He actually said he'd divorce me if I got one. This made me really angry.  His feelings where that we talked about it before we married and I said I'd never get a tattoo, which is true. However I never thought we'd be where we are today and that an image could be so meaningful I'd never regret getting it. Also if you'd asked me before we got married or even before we found out about HLHS if I'd make the decisions we did, I'd have said never. Yet here we are today. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My stubbornness kicks in too and when hearing the divorce argument it kind of makes me want to dig my heels in. Anyway long story short I explained to him why I want the tattoo. It honestly has nothing to do about remembering Hailey. What it really comes down to is that besides the ashes those footprints are all I have of her and by getting that tattoo I feel like a part of her will always be with me. I told him at night because I knew it would turn into a fight and he'd be able to sleep on it. In the morning he came to me and begged not to get the tattoo or at least wait and he'd try to think of something else that we can do instead. I wasn't planning on getting it anytime soon. I want to think about it for at least a few more months, so we'll see.

I joined a gym and Sunday's are family day so Dan and I are off to play squash!!!!