4 months

weight : 17.8 lbs
height : 65 cm

I've lost nearly all of my Lauren pregnancy weight! I have 5 more pounds to go (161) and 10 to be at my pre Hailey pregnancy weight (156) and to be honest another 21 to go to be at my ideal weight (145!) I bought a 3 month pass to my local recreation centre and have been going to classes a 3-5 times a week. I go to 2 cycle fit classes a week (which I really enjoy) and try to do 2-3 stroller stride classes. The stroller stride is harder to get motivated to go to because it's in the morning and all depends on how well Lauren slept.

Enough about me though. Lauren's doing great. Her sleeping habits could be better though. She was sleeping through the night for a few weeks but has now started getting up every 3 hours. This wouldn't be so bad if she'd go right back to sleep afterwards but the past week she's been staying awake for a few hours  which is really hard on me. Thankfully last night she was tired enough to go back to sleep. She's a little drooler at the moment and will soak through a within a few hours. She's also got a terrible diaper rash that won't go away no matter what we do. I've had to switch to disposables so I can use zinc based cream and sometimes it'll start to look better but has yet to go away after a week and a half. These combined with her chewing on her fingers leads me to believe she's teething. Hopefully the tooth will cut through soon so we can go back to cloth. I absolutely hate using the disposables, not to mention how expensive they are!

She's recently started to grab for things. She babbles whenever she feels like it and I can guarantee if you try to prompt her to talk she will refuse. Here's a few pics taken over the last month.

 Lauren trying on her swim suit

 sitting at the table while we eat

 Lauren and mum

 watching as Dad cuts down out christmas tree

 (sorry the red eye reducer wouldn't work on this picture)

Taken today during tummy time

A year behind

I've been thinking about Hailey a lot lately as Christmas gets closer. Really it's not even just christmas it's that I've been watching Lauren do a lot of "firsts". I've been finding this particularly hard because Lauren was born 18 days before Hailey's due date. It's also been nearly 2 years since our journey with Hailey began. Although I didn't know I as pregnant yet Hailey was already conceived and this time of year always makes me sad because I think was this the moment 2 years ago when it all started to go wrong? At some point between now and April 2010 something bad happened that changed our lives forever and we don't know why or when. As I watch Lauren reach milestones I can't help but feel like I'm a year behind. That it should've been a year ago I watched my child do all this. I guess that's the down side to having a baby right around the due date of the baby you lost.

Christmas is particularly hard. Christmas 2009 I was about 6 weeks pregnant and I was looking forward to 2010 and how great it would be to have a baby around for christmas. I never could've imagined how wrong I was. I still find myself going back to that question I'll never have an answer for......WHY.

Why Hailey? Why us? Why anyone? It all just seems so unfair. I want so much for Hailey to be here with me and I struggle with this feeling for a couple reasons.
I want the healthy Hailey I had in my mind before our world fell apart but that Hailey never existed. Hailey is and always will be our HLHS baby so when I think about wanting her here right now I think about her being healthy but I know deep down she never was and never would've been. That's such a hard thing for me to think about and except. Even after all this time I just wish my baby was ok or fixable.
I know I've said this quite a bit these past few months but I feel A LOT of guilt when I think about wishing Hailey was here because I know if Hailey was Lauren wouldn't be. I love them both so much.

I worry about my feelings for Lauren. I love her of course but I don't think I love her as much as I love Hailey. That's probably not the right words to say how I feel so I'll try to explain. I still feel like I'm holding back. I'm still waiting for that brick to fall and something bad to happen. These past few months all seem like a dream. Hailey took my innocence and my blind love. I find myself unable to look at Lauren and think my world would fall apart without you because I've held back and I've built this wall. Of course I'd be devastated if anything happened to Lauren but from Hailey I've learned that life can change so quickly. You think you're headed in one direction but you have no idea what's up ahead. I'm so scared of losing her or anything happening to her that I've tried to protect myself and I feel so bad for this. Lauren deserves more. Lauren deserves to be loved the way I love Hailey. I'm sure with time I'll get there. As each day passes I find I relax a little more but even now I get nervous voicing these feeling as I worry that by voicing them something will happen. Completely irrational I'm sure.

Going to the Dr.

I phoned my dr's office this morning to make an appointment for Lauren. The past few days I've noticed the inserts in her diaper were a little pink sometimes and yesterday after I changed her right she pooped (always the way) and part of it was red. I think she's got blood in her poo. When I changed her this morning just after she went it was ok but I'm taking her in anyway because I can't see how that colour would be normal in a breastfed baby or any baby not on solids. Will update when we get back.

My doctor's off this week so we saw Daniel's doctor. He looked her over and sent us home with an OB kit to check to see if it's blood in the stool. He also wrote a prescription for antibiotic cream incase it's from an infection. He said he wasn't too concerned at this point and seemed like he didn't really know what to do if it came back positive for blood. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. At least she seems pretty happy, just a little less active.

Lauren's quirks

I thought I'd write about some of the things Lauren does:

1-She won't look at you unless she wants to. You can try everything to get her attention and she'll look everywhere except at you. Then when you turn your attention elsewhere she'll stare at you until you look at her then she quickly turns her head

2- She spits her soother out when she's ready to fall asleep. She'll suck on her soother and after her eyes close she pushes it out with her tongue. This has caused some long evenings depending on where the soother falls. It wakes her up sometimes and we have to start the whole process of getting to sleep again

3- Lauren HATES sleeping. Well she hates falling asleep. She'll scream and kick and all you can do is hold her tight and keep trying to get the soother in. As soon as she starts sucking on it her eyes start to close. Sometimes she'll realize she's falling asleep and start screaming and kicking again.

4- She could be sound asleep in your arms and not wake up when you put her down but 5 minutes later she'll be WIDE awake. It's like she has these quick power naps so she doesn't have to miss what's going on.

5- She's quite happy just staring off at things. This is true especially if we are out somewhere. Rarely does she cry or make a noise when out in public. She's too busy taking it all in. She's the same way in her crib after a nap. I rarely go in because she's crying, instead because I can hear her making noises or sucking her fist (which makes me cringe!)

6- She sticks her tongue out at my grandma. I don't how this started and but every time she sees my grandmother instead of smiling she sticks her tongue out at her. She only does this to her and we have no idea why.

7- She only tries to roll over during diaper changes.

13 weeks

Weight 16lbs

I think I'll take her to the health unit this afternoon to get weighed. I weigh her with  my scale every Tuesday and this week it says she lost .6 lbs. I'm hoping my scale is wrong but figure I'll take her in today and next wednesday just to make sure she's not losing any weight.

Not a lot has happened this week. Lauren gave me her cold but I've come to learn that breastfeeding is really great to help get over a cold faster. Normally my colds last at least a week but since  having Lauren I've had 2 and they've only lasted a few days.  I also heard back from the milk bank yesterday so I've got to fill out and mail in all my forms.

Did I mention that Daniel's parents are coming to visit in January? Both will be out which will be nice for Dan and Lauren. They're staying with us for a few days then we're all going skiing for 4, then they come back for 2 more weeks.
That's about all I can think of to write. It's been a pretty boring week!
Here's a few pics

She's getting so big!!!

Dan trying out the carrier....she hated it!

Lauren and mum

Halloween

12 weeks

Weight: 16.6 lbs
Mum's weight: 175.6lbs (was 200lbs after giving birth to Lauren so -24.4lbs) only another 25.6 to go!

Funny how these past 12 weeks have gone by so quickly but the first 12 weeks of a pregnancy drag on. Today last year I would've been on day 14 of my cycle which means Lauren was conceived sometime in the next 2 days.

Lauren has another cold which she's now given to me. She's also been a lot more vocal these past few days. This girl sure does love to hear her own voice!! Even with the soother in she makes noise. No idea where she gets it from as Dan and I are not the talkative type. She's also starting to have better control of her hands and bats at things, although she's very selective at which toys are worthwhile. I know it's early but her personality is slowly starting to show.

Here's a pic for the week:

11 weeks

Weight: 15.6

It's been a busy week so I didn't have much time to add what we've been up to. Lauren's doing great. She sleeps in her own room every night but now wakes at 2/2:30 and then again at 6/6:30. Her bedtime used to be 9pm, but she's started slowly creeping earlier and now she goes down at 8pm. I've started to figure out her routine, at least in the mornings. After 6:30 most of the time she'll go back to sleep until 8am. Then she's awake for an hour, naps for an hour, wakes for an hour, takes another hour nap and then it's the afternoon and depending on the day she either sleeps a lot or not at all. Either way she's always ready for bed by 8pm.

I started running again a few weeks ago and am loving it. Not only do I enjoy the running but I love how each time I feel less tired and can go further. I'm not at 177lbs. Still have 17lbs pre Lauren pregnancy and 27 pre Hailey to lose but I've lost 23lbs so far.

Here's a pic for the week

10 weeks

Weight:  15.4 lbs (that's over 1 lbs this week!!)

We're in double digits! Wow how time has flown by. Lauren now sleeps from 9 until 4/5 am depending on the night. I'll feed/change her and put her back to bed and she then sleep for another 4 hours. Because Lauren's started skipping 2 feeds I woke up that first night very sore and needing to pump as Lauren only fed from one side. I've decided to keep this up and donate my excess milk.  BC has the only human milk bank left in Canada (or so the website says.) I know how great breast milk is for babies, especially sick babies and I think back to Hailey and what if I couldn't produce enough milk for her. That's part of my motivation to do this. Truthfully that's what makes me stay up at 5am to pump when all I want to do is sleep!

Tonight we've moved Lauren into her own room. Dan has been fighting a cough for  2 weeks and although it's much better he still occasionally wakes her up.  Lauren refuses to sleep in her crib during the day so I'm also hoping sleeping in there at night will allow her to feel ok sleeping in the crib during the day.
Honestly it terrifies me her being in another room. I know it says that having a baby in your room for the first 6 months helps reduce the chances of SIDS but Lauren's outgrowing her bassinet quickly and there isn't enough space in our room to set up the crib. I also believe that because they don't know what causes it you can do everything to reduce the risk but if it's going to happen it will happen. It took 45 minutes to get her down and me sitting in the rocker near her bed to get her to settle but she's finally asleep. I'm interested to see if this will change her sleeping habits and if she'll wake up earlier.

9 weeks

Weight: 14.3lbs
Height: 60.2 cm

It's been mostly another uneventful week. Lauren had her 2 month shots yesterday. Wow, I can't believe my baby's 2 months old! Time seems to be flying by since she arrived but to keep it in perspective it hasn't even been a year since I found out I was pregnant again. She got a bit of a fever last night (38.3) so we gave her tylenol. She's been doing ok. She was very clingy and wouldn't eat much but that seems to have gone away now.

I looked at some old posts on the blog this weekend. It's really nice to look back and see how far we've come. I read one I wrote about how I we were thinking of starting to try again but I was worried about being too pregnant at my sister's wedding. The part that was really got to me was how I'd written that I was thinking of starting to try again and not wait because what if October was our month to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I'm so glad we tried that month. Who would've thought that October really was our month and that I'd be sitting here now with my 2 month old. I'm so thankful for her. She's amazing. She'll never replace Hailey and I still think of her everyday but it's nice when I have those moments of sadness to look at Lauren and know she wouldn't be here if Hailey had been healthy. Double edge sword but I guess that's how life works sometimes. I'd to chose and I wouldn't be able to. I love them both so much and wish they could both be here now. It's funny because when I found out I was pregnant with Hailey I was so worried about having twins and yet here I am 2 years later wishing we had 2 babies in the house.

At the moment I'm working on trying to get Lauren to nap in her crib. She's still in the basinet in our room at night but I'd like her to get used to the crib so I try to get her to nap in it during the day. So far no luck. I'll put her in asleep and she'll wake up 5 minutes later and start crying. Then we start the whole process over again. I'm hoping perseverance is the key on this one! Hopefully next week I'll be able to say that she now naps in the crib.

8 weeks

Weight: 13.6lbs

Well since I posted yesterday there's not much to add. I guess I'll just talk about our journey with cloth diapers. We used disposables for the first 2 weeks. I wasn't too sure what to do with the cord and then I wasn't sure if she'd fit in the diapers since they're all one size. I absolutely LOVE them. Everyone thought it wouldn't take long for me to not like having to clean them and deal with the poo but it's not a big deal with the washing and honestly there's not much difference in wrapping up the diaper to throw away and taking it apart and putting it in a bag. What we have decided is that we like the velcro a lot better then the snaps. We started off with 12 bum genius 4 (velcro) and 12 charlie banana (snaps).

Lauren pee's ALOT. Sometimes I'm not even sure how she could possibly fit that much liquid into her tiny body. The problem with this is that the diapers have started leaking. The charlie banana diapers leak during the day and the bum genius leak at night now that she sleeps 5-6 hours. I've ordered some hemp inserts online to use as boosters but they had to be ordered by the seller so I've still got about a week to wait for them. I also ordered 6 new diapers (rumparooz) which I think I like the best although I've only used them for a week. At the moment we're using disposables at night (and sometimes those leak as well) and bum genius/rumparooz during the day.
So Dan and I agree.......we both prefer cloth.

Well bed time.
Oh and since I forgot to put a pic up yesterday of Lauren at 7 weeks I'll add 2 this week :)

Relaxing in mum and dad's bed

Good thing I tried on her halloween costume...don't think it'll fit in 5 weeks :(

7 weeks

I'm sorry I haven't done her height or weight this week and since tomorrow she's 8 weeks there's no point getting it now.

We've both had a cold this week. By we I of course me Lauren and myself. For some reason Daniel very rarely gets sick. At the moment I love looking back at Lauren just after she was born. It's hard to believe how much she's grown already. I was looking at her this afternoon and mentioned to Dan that it felt like she'd gotten bigger from this morning (if that's possible!) She's also now going 5 hours at night between feeds. She eats at 8:30/9pm and then wakes up around 2am then it's back to 3 hours in between. We've tried really hard to keep a bedtime routine. We give her a bottle at 9 and then it's straight into the bassinet after she burps. Normally she's asleep by 10.

Dan and I had that conversation I've been dreading. Basically who would care for Lauren if anything should happen. Dan said that his mum has been bugging him to go and get it legal because she says that if anything were to happen to us then she'd never see Lauren again. Her saying this infuriates me. One thing I've realized about Dan's mum is she's VERY dramatic. Also if she really felt this way then you'd think she'd of put in at least a LITTLE bit of effort to be friendly or even talk to my mum while she was out visiting.

It makes me angry because my mum would NEVER keep Lauren from Dan's parents. My mum would never keep Lauren from any family member unless she felt they were a danger to Lauren and it makes me mad that Dan's mum would imply that she would. I think my parents have shown they can put their feelings aside for what's best for children considering my parents divorced when I was 3 yet they still took us on family holidays.
Well I'm going to get back to watching the Canada/Japan rugby game.

6 weeks

Weight: 12.6 lbs
Height: 22.5"

I'm pretty sure the height in wrong. She asked me to hold the tape at her head and I thought I was pulling Lauren's hair so I was moving to try not to. Oops! But the weight is correct. She's in the 95th percentile! Lauren's smiling a lot more now although you still have to try hard to get it out of her. She's very much been cuddly this week and I found out why yesterday. We're sick! Lauren's slept quite a bit the past few days and yesterday I started to get a sore throat and over the day it turned into a nice cold. Lauren started to get stuffed up and coughing at around 1am this morning. I feel so bad for her. She doesn't whine but just lays there struggling to breath. I'm hoping she'll realize she can open her mouth and life gets a bit easier for her.

Yesterday my family had a baby shower for her. My mum decided to dress her up, but even though the dress was 3-6 months it looked more like a shirt on her then dress. Here's my fav pics this week.

She still loves her swing!

All dressed up and not feeling well

5 weeks

Yup apparently still slacking on blog writing. I can't believe how quickly time's going by. My baby will be 6 weeks on Tuesday!

As of Tuesday Lauren weighed 12.5 pounds.That means since birth she's gained over 4 pounds! I've nicknamed her my chunky monkey. We go for 2 walks a day at the moment and she LOVES them. I think she's going to be a nature girl since she loves being outside.

She's now started smiling. She's been doing this for nearly a week and today I had a complete melt my heart moment with her. A parcel arrived for Dan yesterday and since we weren't home we went to pick it up tonight. She was NOT very impressed about being in the car and cried the whole way there. I got into the back while Dan went inside and was talking to her and stroking her hair. She stopped crying, looked at me and gave me her biggest smile yet.

We're struggling a little bit with sleeping. She normally falls asleep for the night around 10-10:30. She's really good in the middle of the night and only wakes to feed, change and goes back to sleep quite quickly. the problem is that in the early morning she wakes with gas. From 5 or 6 (depending on the day) she'll start grunting and let out the occasional cry, which is heartbreaking to hear. Then after a bit of a struggle she'll pass gas and go back to sleep but she wakes up 5-10 minutes later and starts the whole process over. I have her 6 week check-up on Tuesday so I'll ask my GP for advice. It just makes me so sad listening to her struggle and in pain, it would also be nice to get the extra few hours of sleep since she does this for 2 hours!

Lauren on one of our  walks

3 weeks

It's been a while since I've had the chance to post. I start writing then get distracted and never end up finishing the post! I'm going to try to write at  least once a week. I really want to remember these days the best I can.

I weighed and measured Lauren on Tuesday ( her 3 week birthday)

She now weighs 11.3 lbs and is 23 inches long.
That means that she's gained just over 3 pounds and grew 1.5 inches ini 3 weeks!

Dan's mum went back on Tuesday and while it was great having her here she held Lauren ALL THE TIME. This means that I'm now struggling to get her to fall asleep in her basinette or even stay asleep when she's placed in her basinette. I don't really like the idea of co sleeping, mainly because I don't really trust me or Dan not to roll over but when it's 5am and you know your husband's getting up in 2 hours it's just easier. Up until last night I was having her lay on my chest but this morning I breastfed her while lying down and we both fell asleep. It was kinda nice having that quiet cuddle time with her. It's not a habit I'd like to keep but I'm starting to get really tired. She has a lot of gas and the only time she slept last night besides in bed with me was just after she let out some gas. I bought gripe water today so hopefully that'll help her feel better.

Picture of the week:

Routine

With Dan's mum still visiting it's hard to get into a daytime routine but I think we've gotten the night time one down. Dan stays up later then me most nights so what we do is I feed Lauren when I'm about to go to bed, normally around 9-9:30, then after she's fed I'll hand her to Dan who burps her and has his cuddle time. She pretty much just sleeps on either his chest or lap until she wakes up a few hours later. When I've given her to Dan I'll go and pump an ounce or 2 which I give to Dan to feed her when she wakes. Normally this isn't quite enough so I'll still have to get up and feed her but it's only a 5-10 minute feeding and she gets very full so she sleeps the full 4 hours. Last night Dan and I fed her at 1am and she woke at 4:30 for her next feed. When she wakes up I take her out of the room and into her nursery where I feed her and get her back to sleep. This allows Dan to get the full amount of sleep he'd normally get. Then she wakes again at 7am, I'll give her a quick feed (she's not really into that feed but she'll drink for 5 minutes) and then Dan will take her until he wakes me up when he's about to leave for work.

I'm so lucky to have Daniel. He's an amazing father and absolutely loves Lauren to death. We walk 20 minutes most days to go pick him up from work and he always takes control of the pram.  Last night his mum offered to stay up with Lauren so he could sleep and he refused saying he needed to give her the bottle. His mum didn't push as he seemed very much into getting to give her the bottle. While I didn't want to introduce a bottle this early it's given Lauren and Dan a great chance to bond. I could tell he was starting to feel left out as he kept wanting to try holding her while she was feeding (which never worked well.)

Oh Dan's mum and I took Lauren to the beach today. She wasn't very happy when I put her feet in the water though.

Emotions

I've been getting a little behind on my writing. I've been wanting to write about how I felt seeing Lauren for the first time and the range of emotions in the days afterwards.

I was fairly detached with Lauren's pregnancy. Although I would've been heartbroken had anything happened to her I didn't allow myself to feel that connection or bond.  The problem with this is that when she was born I also felt nothing for her. I hate to say that. I was so worried that I would continue to be emotionless toward my baby. I kept saying how she looked nothing like I expected her to look. The truth is I expected her to look like Hailey. She has a few of Hailey's features like her long fingers, toes and legs. Lauren also has my chin which Hailey also had but that's where the similarities end. Hailey was so small and young too it's hard to tell what she would've looked like at 8 lbs. I'm so glad that as time went by I started to feel something for Lauren. Slowly over 2 days I grew more and more attached to her. I now fully love her but I do feel a bit guilty that her mother was probably the last person to fall in love with her.

Dan and I went up to the cemetery when Lauren was 2 days old. It was so hard. I just stood there looking from Lauren to Hailey's stone thinking we could've only ever had one of them. I mentioned this to Dan and he said that he knew but wished there was a way we could've had both. Ask me now and I couldn't choose. I love them both so much and my heart will always ache for Hailey. Having Lauren here makes me feel like we made the right decision for Hailey. She'd only have lived for 2 days and it would've been so much harder to watch her go through everything. I looked at Lauren when she was 2 days old and realized it would've hurt so much more to lose Hailey at this stage then when we said goodbye. As much as I would've LOVED to have cuddles and spend time with Hailey before she passed away I know ending the pregnancy when we did was not just in Hailey's best interest, but in ours as well. It kills me that I have to write that.

Birth story

I've been meaning to write this for a few days now and really want to get it all down before I forget too many details, so here's the birth story for Lauren (yes, we've decided on the name!)

I was scheduled to be induced Monday Aug.1 and called the hospital at 7am to make sure they were able to do the induction. They said yes and asked if I could be there for 8am. I was a little surprised at how quickly things were moving but said of course! I had a quick shower and breakfast and we left for the hospital. They started with a 20 minute non-stress test and after that the OB on call arrived, examined me and put in the cevidil. He said I was already 2cm dilated and that it was likely this would start labour. If not I'd go back the next morning for pitocin. I stayed hooked up to the monitor for another hour as they wanted to make sure the baby's heart rate was ok as the cervidil causes minor contractions right away and some babies react badly to this. We were sent home an hour later.

Dan and I spent most of the day out in the garden. Dan cut down branches from a tree and I took them and moved it into a pile to be taken to the yard waste centre. I started getting contractions around 1pm but they were pretty much 5 minutes apart. I always thought labour was a gradual process and that contractions started at 10 minutes apart and slowly got closer together and more painful so these confused me and I was worried I was in false labour again. Slowly the pains got more intense though. Dan's mum and aunt cooked us dinner and we sat down at 7:30 to eat. The contractions were now every 3 minutes and I had to stop what I was doing to breathe through them. It was at this point that we decided to head to the hospital.

When we arrived at the hospital I was examined and told that I was only 3-4 cm dilated which is the point where they keep you in if you want. They phoned the OB and he was happy either way. I said I wanted to go home but I was worried as they contractions were close together and I didn't know at what point I should come back. The nurse suggested we walk around the hospital for an hour or 2 and come back to get examined again because I may be progressing quickly and that's why they're close together, so at 8:50 we started walking around the parking lot. My mum and sister went to get tim horton's and Dan, his mum and myself walked around in circles. At 9:15 I had a contraction and felt liquid come. I told Dan and his mum I think my waters broke so we made our way back up to the ward. They took me into a room right away and the nurse came into the bathroom with me to get changed. When I took off my clothes we realized it wasn't my waters, I was bleeding. I started to panic as it wasn't a little bit of blood and more came with each contraction. Then they asked me if I'd felt the baby move recently and I started crying saying I'd been focusing so much on the contractions I hadn't been paying attention to movement. They laid me on the bed and put the fetal heart rate monitor on. The whole time I was just crying saying "I can't lose another one" over and over. It was such a great sound to hear her heart beating away. They phoned the OB who said that they'd have to monitor the heart rate from this point onward and as long as the bleeding didn't get worse then it was ok. Apparently they only check the heart rate every hour in a normal labour. The contractions kept getting worse and worse and eventually I was given gas to help with the pain. I was glad that Dan and my mum both stayed at the hospital as they took turns sleeping and supporting me. I was a little annoyed with Daniel a few times as he'd start to nod off while I was having a contraction! At 4am I was given something through an IV to help take the edge off the contractions. When I first came to the hospital they asked about pain control and I said that I was open to options but I wanted to be able to feel the delivery, so no epidural. Whatever they gave me through the IV slowed down my contractions and they started getting further apart. At 7am they phoned the OB on call to come in to break my waters as they expected this to speed up my labour. The OB was going to do rounds and would come at 8am to break them. 7:45 they broke on their own during a contraction. The nurses were right. As soon as my waters broke I started the transition phase. The pains got really intense and the gas was useless at this point. I actually started begging them to make it stop, which I never thought I'd be that women :( The OB came in at 8:30, examined me and told the nurses I could start pushing. This was by far much easier then the transition phase and I was actually really relieved to be pushing through each contraction. I remember thinking as I'm pushing "this parts easy!" Lauren was born 1hr 43 minutes after I started pushing at 10:12 am. I had a second degree tare which is quite painful at the moment!

The baby has arrived!

Our baby girl was born on August 2 at 1012. She weighed 8 lbs 2 oz and is a very long 54.5 cm. She seems to be completely healthy and perfect!

Still deciding for certain on a name. We'd decided on Makayla right up until a few days before she was born when I started to question if it was the right name. After seeing her it definitely wasn't. I think we've decided on Lauren but have yet to fill out the birth certificate or any legal documents that would make us commit to the name just yet. Good thing we have 30 days to file the paperwork!

I'll post the birth story later but for now here's a picture.

In labour!

Well I think I can officially say I'm in labour! I've been having contractions for close to 5 hours and they're getting more painful. I'm just starting to time them again but they were around ever 5 minutes lasting for 50 or so seconds. We'll see where they are now. Dan and I are a little confused as we don't really know when to go into the hospital. My OB told me that I'd know when and I guess I'm just going to have to trust my instincts. I'm thinking I'll either go in when the contractions are 2 minutes apart or if the pain becomes unbearable. I've had slight bleeding which the doctor told me may happen. I'm not too worried about it at the moment as it's very minimal but will keep an eye on it. That's about it for now. Just finished a contraction that lasted 55 seconds and the next contraction....... 4.5 minutes apart!

Induction

I phoned the hospital this morning at 7am like I was told to and they asked me to come in at 8am! I had a shower and breakfast and then we left for the hospital. They did a 20 minute non-stress test to see how the baby was doing and then called in the OB who checked my cervix. Apparently I'm 2cm dilated! So he used the gel to induce me and seems to think that it might work. If not then I'll have to come back tomorrow and I should be far enough along to get pitocin tomorrow. They then monitored the baby for an hour to make sure the cramping I was getting from the gel wasn't putting the baby in distress. All looked good and I'm not at home. I'm supposed to relax as much as possible and go for a walk if I want. I need to go back straight away if my waters break or I start bleeding, otherwise I'm home until the contractions are 3 minutes apart or tomorrow morning to see how I'm progressing. Lets hope I go back due to contractions!!!! I'll try to update if anything happens.

Ultrasound

Just wanted to write a quick update. The hospital called this morning at 6:30 to set up an ultrasound. Once that was set up I was able to sleep. Went for the appointment this afternoon and they checked the amniotic fluid levels (which was only on one side, but the side that the face and body's on. The side without much fluid is where the baby's back is pressed against my stomach so they aren't concerned at all as when the baby moves the fluid should move with it. They also check the placenta which seems to be looking ok. She had a hard time getting a good picture of the placenta as the baby was lying over it but the image they did get they were happy with. Lastly they checked the umbilical cord to make sure the flow was good on all the veins and artery. She'd told me that before I left they'd get the radiologist to look at the pictures and if they were concerned they'd send me up right away to the maternity ward but everything looked good and I was sent home with my induction date still for Monday.

I'm so glad I got to have this test as I was getting so worried that something might be wrong and they wouldn't know. I'm now feeling much better about the monday induction date. It also makes me feel better knowing that the baby is still measuring a week behind to based on the ultrasound today I'm only 39+1 which actually makes sense based on the uncertainty during the first few weeks of pregnancy. So really I may actually be getting induced 2 days past my due date.

I'm just glad everything looks good and I'm a lot more relaxed for this weekend. Looking forward to Monday!!!

41 weeks

How far along? 41 weeks 
Baby's size? Watermelon
Total Weight Gain: probably around 55lbs
Bellybutton:  One little tiny part is sticking out depending on how the baby's lying. It looks so strange!
Stretchmarks: stomach, hips, legs (YAY!)
Maternity Clothes: Yup but they're starting to fit less comfortably.
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: Starting to slow down quite a bit
Sleep: maybe 2-3 hours a night
Symptoms: I've now had 2 bouts of false labour with contractions every 3-5 minutes for 4 hours each time.
Food Aversions: Nothing
Food Cravings: Milk
Best Moments this week: Yeah there really hasn't been one.
What I am Looking forward to: No longer being pregnant


I'm starting to become really angry and frustrated. I phoned the OB's office yesterday afternoon as I hadn't heard from the hospital about going for a non-stress test or ultrasound and also hadn't received a call about my induction date. The receptionist said she'd faxed all the paperwork off and would look into why I hadn't heard anything. She called back an hour later and said I was on the list for induction on Monday and I'd have to call them around 7am to see if they had room and what time to come in. She re faxed the request for an ultrasound but still hadn't heard anything. Oh and apparently the OB didn't put in a request for a nst or put it in my notes so not going to get that test. At this stage it's looking like I'll have none of the tests as it's now Friday and I still haven't heard. I'm going to phone the office this morning and Dan plans to phone the hospital as well but it's looking like we'll be having a VERY anxious weekend.


It makes me mad how people are telling me not to worry and to rest while I can before the baby arrives. They have no idea how I feel and what I'm going through. I sleep maybe 2-3 hours a night. All I think about is the baby's movements and worry. There's no excitement. I'm not in a hurry to have the baby so I can see it, I want this baby out so I know it's safe and ok. My biggest pet peeve is people telling me that everything will be ok. THEY ALL SAID THIS WITH HAILEY'S PREGNANCY. Yes, chances are everything will be ok but when you've been on the other side of the odds it's hard to really believe it because you know all too well that someone has to be that 1 or 2% and it's been you before.

Frustrated after OB appointment

I had the dates wrong and my OB appointment was today not yesterday. He was running an hour late for our appointment at 10:15 and then said that they normally do a non-stress test at 7days overdue as well as an ultrasound and because I'm now 5 days overdue he's going to TRY to book them for friday. He then said he'd send my papers into the hospital for an induction date and if I haven't heard anything then to call Monday when I'm 10 days overdue after 10am to see if they can fit me in.

I've really liked my OB up until today but it's almost like he had no idea about my chart. He could tell I was upset and told me not to worry about the labour part and they'd go over my options for pain when I got there. I told him I didn't care about the labour or delivery. He then asked what was wrong and I started crying and mentioned my fear about stillbirth. He said to not worry about it. It's rare and won't happen. I pointed out how rare the heart defect was and he then started talking about how the baby would be cleared by a paediatrician before leaving the hospital and would have an echo within the first month. He then said that a lot of the time they air on the side of caution with ultrasound results so everything was probably fine with the baby. I then said I was talking about my last pregnancy and he started talking about how common miscarriage is and that a lot of times there's a reason for it like a heart problem and that this baby seems to be healthy and everything should be fine. At that point I just wanted to get out of the office as he clearly had no idea what I was going on about and didn't seem to want to address any of my concerns, instead just brush them off as it's unlikely to happen so don't worry about it.

So at this stage I have no clear induction date, I have no tests to make sure baby is ok at the moment and only 2 days for them to try to fit me in. I'm so upset and frustrated and I'm starting to resent this baby. I JUST WANT IT OUT. I want to be done with pregnancy. I want to stop worrying and I just want to hold my baby safely in my arms.

False Labour

I had false labour last night. At around 10pm I was reading a book in bed when I got the first contraction. I got a little excited wondering if this would be the start but didn't want to get my hopes up. I thought something was a little off when I had the next contraction 4 minutes later. I then started timing them. They were a little erratic, between 3-5 minutes apart and lasting anywhere from 30-69 seconds. Being a first timer I didn't really know for sure if it was real or false labour but I've always said I'd stay at home as long as possible so there was no way I was going to the hospital to find out. I also didn't want to wake my mum as she works early mornings. We kept busy and decided that we'd install the car seat base so that when we do leave for the hospital we just have to grab the car seat on the way out the door and click it into place. The contractions stopped around 2am.

I'll be honest..... they hurt! I was telling Dan that although they were bearable I had to stop what I was doing and focus on trying to get past the pain. It would start in my abdomen and the pain would intensify and spread across my stomach and into my back. Around 1am I started to feel nauseous during the contractions. As much as it hurt and I know that pain will only get worse the further into labour I get I still can't wait. Every contraction I'm one step closer to meeting our baby!

Hopefully real labour will start very soon :)

40 weeks

How far along? 40 weeks 
Baby's size? Watermelon
Total Weight Gain: 50lbs It was 48 a few days ago so I'm assuming around 50 now
Bellybutton:  One little tiny part is sticking out depending on how the baby's lying. It looks so strange!
Stretchmarks: stomach, hips, legs (YAY!)
Maternity Clothes: Yup but they're starting to fit less comfortably.
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: The baby has quiet and active days but still enough movement on quiet days to not have to worry too much.
Sleep: Great! Must be the calm before the storm.
Symptoms: My back has started hurting the past few days but other then that I still feel great.
Food Aversions: Nothing
Food Cravings: Cherries
Best Moments this week: First week on Mat leave!!!! No need to get up at a certain time. Maybe that's why I'm sleeping better?
What I am Looking forward to: Labour


Well today's my due date. I'm pretty sure the baby won't come today and I fully expect to have to be induced. I've had a few rough days of worrying about all that can go wrong but yesterday I decided to start thinking more positive. All I've wanted the past few weeks is to get this baby out while everything's ok. While I still feel that way I've decided to embrace these last few days of pregnancy. Having pregnancies back to back I'm pretty much done for a LONG time. I'm thinking at least 3 years, more likely 5. I want to enjoy feeling the baby moving around as it'll be a while until I feel this again.


I had my OB appointment on Tuesday. Last week when I asked he said that they induce on 10 days overdue. We worked out that this would be a holiday Monday and asked this week how that would effect the plans. He said it wouldn't and that my hospital induces on weekends, even long weekends. I was wondering this as I know some of the smaller hospitals around here don't induce on weekends and I was worried I'd get pushed back a few days if there were several women who needed to be induced and had their day 10 on the Saturday or Sunday. Glad I no longer have to worry about that! He then mentioned that he may actually induce me a little early. Apparently the last few weeks my blood pressure has been going up. It's still normal, although high normal and with the stress I've been feeling about all that can go wrong it may be better to induce me a few days early. We'll discuss this at my next appointment on Tuesday. Either way on Tuesday we'll set up an induction date. I'm a little sad about this. As much as I want this baby out and healthy I've always wanted to experience going into labour naturally, but at the end of the day it's much safer to be induced then leave the baby in longer then necessary as the rate of stillbirth increases and this is what happened with Daniel's mother. (They let her go too far overdue and the day she went into hospital to be induced they couldn't find a heartbeat. If they'd induced her 12 hours earlier the baby may have survived as she'd felt movement during the night.)


So now that I'm getting really close I promise before I go to the hospital I'll write a quick update. I want to remember as much as possible about all the emotions and feelings of labour. I can't believe how excited I am to go into labour and experience the pain. I may regret feeling this way but it really is something I'm looking forward to.

New baby in the family (not mine......yet)

Well my cousin who was due on the 14th had her baby on Monday. She had a girl, which we all knew before. While I'm happy for her I'm also a little sad, I'll get into that in a minute.

I can't remember if I mentioned before but my aunt is out visiting from Poland. She works as a teacher at international schools. I like seeing her but sometimes she can be really insensitive. She took my grandma and another aunt to the east coast for a bit of a holiday. My grandma in English and met my grandfather during the war. She's not considered a war bride as they only met on D day and my grandfather signed up to stay after the war was officially over and help rebuild. They also didn't get married in England. He came back to Canada and sent for her 6 months later. She came over on the ship with lots of war brides and because we live on the West coast had a nice LONG train ride across Canada. She's always wanted to go back to Halifax and see Pier 21 (which is where all the war brides landed.) She had a great time and they got back Wednesday to find my cousin had her baby.

We went over to visit and my aunt needed Dan's help with her new laptop.  Maybe it's just my hormones but I'm still quite upset with her comment. She asked me if I was jealous of my cousin. OF COURSE I AM. Let me just count the ways for you:
1- She's done being pregnant and having to worry about stillbirth and all that can go wrong in labour.
2- She had a girl
3- She had a healthy baby
4- She got to take that healthy baby home

I'm happy for her. I really am, it's just hard sitting here waiting and worrying. My anxiety has been bad the past few days. 3 years ago I went on anti-anxiety meds because I was getting really light headed and dizzy. My GP couldn't find a reason for it but with my wedding coming up and us buying a house she thought it was worth trying the meds to at least rule it out. They stopped how I was feeling and I only went off of them when I stopped taking birth control. I had a few days of feeling like that when I went off of them but for the most part have felt great since. This past week though is the most anxious I think I've ever felt. All I do is analyze every movement this baby makes and worry. We're so close to having our take home baby and I'm so scared something will go wrong. Needless to say I've now started to get dizzy again. Just to give you an idea of what it feels like, even when I'm laying down it feels like the room's spinning. I'm hoping and I'm pretty sure it'll go away after I have the baby.

Dan and I gave dates/ times and weight of when the baby will be born so I thought I'd share it with you:

Daniel- July 22nd (due date) 7.9lbs (or 3.6kg as he knows it) and at 17:40.

Me - Induced (no date as it all depends on how far over they let me go) 8.5lbs and at 23:05.

Secretly hoping Dan's right!

38 weeks!

How far along? 38 weeks 
Baby's size? Watermelon
Total Weight Gain: I've stopped checking, it was making me too sad.
Bellybutton:  flat
Stretchmarks: stomach, hips and starting on me legs(??)
Maternity Clothes: Yup but they're starting to fit less comfortably.
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: Still moves a lot, but more at certain times of day. This baby already has a schedule!
Sleep: Better now the itchiness isn't as bad
Symptoms: Although I'm tired from not sleeping much I'm feeling surprisingly well. Getting more braxton hicks lately.
Food Aversions: Nothing
Food Cravings: Candy again
Best Moments this week: Dan telling me he now feels ready for me to have the baby (thanks!)
What I am Looking forward to: Hoping to meet the baby this week (wishful thinking??)


I had an OB appointment on Tuesday and I meant to go in and ask all my questions about labour but totally forgot. All I was concerned about was my itchiness! He gave me a different prescription for cream as this one is stronger with 2% cortisone instead of the 1%. It has  helped but it tends to only stop the itching for a few hours, which is better then nothing because at least I can sleep for a few hours before I wake up and can't fall back to sleep. I can only use it 2-3 times a day so I put some on first thing in the morning and right before I go to bed.  Unfortunately it has spread and I'm now getting itchy bumps on by my stretch marks on my sides. I've also started to get bumps on my legs and thighs which are itchy. Good thing the doctor gave me 60 mls and a repeat prescription! I've been surprised at how great I feel this late in the pregnancy. I worked my last Saturday today and only have 3 8 hr shifts this coming week before I start my maternity leave. 


I haven't really had any early labour symptoms, besides the odd backpain and period type cramps on and off. I still feel like this baby will be early and technically it still has just under 2 weeks to prove me right! Can't wait to hold and kiss this baby :)

37 weeks

How far along? 37 weeks 
Baby's size? Watermelon
Total Weight Gain: I've stopped checking, it was making me too sad.
Bellybutton:  Still in but it's getting closer. I've never been so creeped out by my belly button!
Stretchmarks: hips and stomach. So uncomfortable, I'll explain later.
Maternity Clothes: Yup but they're starting to fit less comfortably.
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: Still moves a lot, but more at certain times of day. This baby already has a schedule!
Sleep: Terrible
Symptoms: Although I'm tired from not sleeping much I'm feeling surprisingly well. Getting more braxton hicks lately.
Food Aversions: Nothing
Food Cravings: Candy again
Best Moments this week: Baby is now considered FULL TERM!!!!!!
What I am Looking forward to: My OB appointment tomorrow and hopefully finding out if things are progressing...


Well I was hoping losing my mucus plug would bring on labour but I'm just one of those lucky people who lose their plug weeks before birth :( I try to remind myself that as long as the baby stays healthy and everything's ok I should be happy and try not to rush it.


The past few weeks have been pretty bad. There's one main problem at the moment. I think I've develloped PUPPS. It started 2 weeks ago (around 35 weeks) and it started with my stretch marks being really itchy. As the days went on I started to notice bumps and the itchiness started turning into burning. I haven't slept much these past 2 weeks because it's hard enough falling asleep while being itchy but I'd wake up multiple times in the middle of the night hurting. NOTHING can touch my stomach or feels like it's on fire. I called my mum this weekend but she wasn't home and spoke to my aunt who was over visiting my grandma. I'd remembered that when children get chicken pox they use calamine lotion to alleviate the itching. I wanted her opinion if she thought this would be ok to use on my stomach. She didn't know and I told her I'd come over to show her my stomach. She took one look and took me to a clinic ( I haven't seen my OB since I was nearly 35 as he was on holidays last week when I was supposed to have an appointment so I've been waiting to see him and show him instead of going to a clinic and complaining about stretch marks.) When I showed him my stomach he immediately put me on a cordozone cream with antibiotic because while during the day I stratch my stomach over my clothes, I've found that at night I'll wake to find myself stractching and a few of the bumps had turned into sores which he thought may be starting to get infected. I must admit that the sores look a lot better after just 2 days of using the cream, but unfortunately it has not effected the itching at all. On advice from the doctor I've cut my nails so I basically have no nails and therefore will do less damage at night. REALLY hoping that my OB tomorrow will have something that works better. The thought of feeling like this for the next 3 possible up to 5 weeks makes me want to cry. It really sucks because besides the stomach issue I feel great! I'm surprised at how well I feel for 37.5 weeks pregnant and feel like at this stage if we get the PUPPS under control I could work right up until I go into labour.


By the way, just a little teaser. Apparently 70% of all PUPPS cases are boys, however we broke the odds with Hailey as HLHS is supposed to be more common in boys then girls. Am I setting a trend or is this baby a boy?? A few more weeks!

mucus plug?

I had a bit of a shock this morning. I got up to go pee and the whole time I was willing the baby to move as I hadn't felt anything since I'd gone to bed at 1am and it was now 8am. When I wiped there was a brownish tinge and it really freaked me out that I was starting to bleed. Since then I've come to realize that I think it's my mucus plug. I told Dan about the lack of movement and he told he he'd felt the baby move at night and then less the 3 minutes later the baby moved and has been moving since.

I'm starting to freak out a little. I know losing your mucus plug doesn't mean labour will necessarily start any time soon but the nursery at the moment is a DISASTER. We'd gotten it all set up and then ordered carpet. The carpet arrived 2 weeks ago and they'd told us the underlay was on back order but should be here around the 30th. Dan wanted to put screws in the floor to stop the squeaking when you walk on it and he'd noticed they'd put the carpet over linoleum so he spent the Sunday 2 weeks ago taking the carpet and linoleum up and putting the screws into the plywood. At the moment there's nothing on the floor in the nursery, our bedroom is a mess as all the nursery furniture and baby stuff is in it and you have to watch where you walk. The crib is taken apart as it wouldn't fit out the room in one piece and the bassinet we were given needs a new mattress which I can't find ANYWHERE. It's so stupid, I can buy a new bassinet with a new mattress for $80 but I can't buy a new mattress on it's own. I've just phoned my mum as she wanted to get us the bassinet and told her I'd lost my mucus plug and was freaking out a little as if this baby does arrive soon we've got nowhere for it to sleep! She's going to get it now for me since she hates going to the shops in the afternoon when it's busy.

I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm currently 36+2 days so ideally it would be better for this baby not to come until the end of the week when I'm considered "full term" at 37 weeks, but I know the baby will be fine if it comes at the moment. The first thing my husband said to me when I told him about the mucus plug was "Of course..... your OB is on holidays this week!"

I'll write again if anything else happens.

Poems for Hailey

I was looking through the little scrapbook my mum made for Hailey and I'd forgotten the poems that were in there. They made me cry reading them and I thought I'd share.
The first is one my mum wrote for her.

Hailey

I held you close in my arms
You were so pure and sweet
You had your mummy's dimply chin
Your daddy's nose and feet.

Memories of you
Are locked inside my heart
Though we are not together
We are never far apart

We did not get to do the things
That grandma's and granddaughters do
Like playing dolls, shopping or
Visiting monkeys at the zoo

Shine bright in the sky my little star
And I will look for you
For one day we shall have
Our tea party for two

Love Grandma


I'm not sure where she got the other poem from:

Her Journey's Just Begun

Don't think of her as gone away-
her journey's just begun,
life holds to many facets-
this earth is only one.

Just think of her as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.

Think how she must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.

And think of her as living
in the hearts of those she touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost-
and she was loved so much.

Even just typing it out I'm crying again. I still miss her so much.

35 weeks

How far along? 35 weeks 
Baby's size? Honeydew
Total Weight Gain: I've stopped checking, it was making me too sad.
Bellybutton:  Still in but it's getting closer. I've never been so creeped out by my belly button!
Stretchmarks: hips and stomach. Can't believe how fast they're coming!
Maternity Clothes: Yup but they're starting to fit less comfortably.
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: Still moving a lot. I'm surprised as I thought there's supposed to be reduced movement as they run out of room. This one still acts like there's tons of room, which causes me pain.
Sleep: I'm not sleeping very well at the moment
Symptoms: just starting to get really tired now, crampy
Food Aversions: Nothing
Food Cravings: Cookies (always healthy things for me!)
Best Moments this week: Knowing that this week was the last week I'd see the baby until it's born.
What I miss: Not having to get up a few times at night to pee.
What I am Looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms


I had an appointment with my OB on Wednesday and everything looks good. He felt my stomach to check the baby's position and turns to me and says "Wow that baby's really far down there!" I haven't been getting too much pressure but every once and a while it feels like this baby is going to fall out of me.  I've always had a feeling this baby's going to come early. I'm not sure if it's wishful thinking of intuition (hopefully the second!) On the other hand I also feel like with my luck and because we've done all these ultrasound incase I go into early labour that I'll end up going overdue and have to be induced. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Tomorrow is 1 month until me due date! I can't believe it's 30 days away. Where has the time gone? 


I'm now glad I've never told anyone in my family I know the sex of the baby. My cousin who's due a week before didn't want anyone to know as her husband wanted to be surprised so her mum went with her to find out the sex. They've managed to keep it a secret for most of the pregnancy but it just makes me realize how no one in my family can keep a secret! Last wednesday I went over to my grandma's as my aunt is out from Poland and I was talking about the baby and the names we've chosen and I mentioned how I wished I knew what my cousin was having. Well then my aunt said she knew (what really annoyed me was the tone she said it) anyway then my grandma said she's known for a couple weeks. I asked them what it was and they said they weren't going to tell me because they didn't want me to know. I asked them if my mum knew and they said no. I went for a walk with my mum later and vented. It didn't bother me that I didn't know the sex what bothered me was why even say you know and rub it in? It also made me feel a little sad because at that point I pretty much guessed they were having a girl and they didn't want me to know or be upset since besides Hailey there's only 1 other girl in the family and 5 boys. Then my mum told me that since the secret was out and people were starting to find out she's actually known since the day they found out. Apparently my aunt phoned my mum and told her but no one knows that she knows so she told me. Then on Saturday we took my dad our for dinner for father's day and on the way home my sister tried to get out of my husband what the sex is and said that she can keep a secret. She's known the sex of the baby since the day they found out too. I then told her that it wasn't a secret anymore that a lot of people knew and it's just so confusing who does and doesn't know and that my cousin still thinks no one but my aunt, sister and her husband know. So here's how it works out.


My cousin told my sister but no one knows except me that she knows.
My aunt told my mum who told me but no one knows that either of us know except my sister.
My aunt then told my grandma and my other aunt who told me and my mum that they know but my cousin doesn't know they know.


I think that's it? I really have no idea though as we have quite a large family. They are coming out next weekend for a surprise 60th birthday party for my aunt at our place and I have a feeling it's all going to come out. My mum seems to think that my aunt from Poland will say that she knows. It should be an interesting weekend!

Sad

I should start off by saying that the baby is fine. I had my last ultrasound this afternoon. Everything looks good and I can't believe that next time I see the baby will be after I've given birth!

Now for the main reason. I've always been so proud of being Canadian and the city I'm from. When I was living in England and someone would ask me where I'm from I would answer with pride. NOT today. Today I am sad and embarrassed to say my home town is Vancouver. 

Vancouver is normally on the list as one of the best and most beautiful cities to live in. I've always agreed with this (having not lived in many other cities or countries my opinion may be a little biased.) I was proud of how well the Olympics went last year and the atmosphere was amazing. Then there was last night. It's probably cliche but hockey is a big part of our lives in Vancouver. We love our team and have waited for the Stanley cup for 40 years. In those 40 years they've only made it to the playoff finals twice. Once in 1994 and this year. Both years went to a final game 7. In 1994 they lost and Vancouver had it's first (I may be wrong on this but as far as I'm aware it was their first) riot. The game itself wasn't in Vancouver, it was in New York but a large group of people managed to cause a large amount of damage. I was young at the time and only remember a little bit that I was allowed to see on the news. Still I was taught and knew what had happened was wrong. 17 years later and the Canucks are in the finals again. After hosting the Olympics last year and having had large numbers of crowds with no major issues the city thought people were smarter. For the first 6 games in the finals  everything went well. There were a few arrests and tons of liquor pour outs but no one was hurt and everyone went home after the games were over (no matter how horribly we lost a few of those games.)

Last night the game was disappointing. It was a terrible game and didn't look at all like they were playing for the cup. However disappointed I was in the game quickly turned to disappointment in people. No one cares about the hockey game anymore. Instead last night will now be remember as the second time Vancouver has had a riot over a HOCKEY GAME. As exciting as it would've been to be there and watch it with thousands of people being pregnant there was no way I would go anywhere near that big of a crowd no matter how peaceful the situation was. Also no matter how much you hoped history wouldn't repeat itself (and I'm not talking about the hockey game) we all knew how quickly the situation could change. I honestly believe that the riot would've happened wether they won or lost.  The game was just an excuse. Those people that started it are not canuck fans. They went there to start trouble. In saying that those that participated were. It would be wishful thinking to say that those in the riot weren't canuck fans or from Vancouver because they were. They may not have been the ones that started it but they contributed and that's all that really matters in my eyes. It made me sad to see our beautiful city being destroyed. It made me sad and angry to know that all that damage and the cost of the clean up will be paid for in part by me. My taxes are going toward replacing those police cars, all the overtime and the cost of the clean up. I'm angry because these people were idiots and damaged their own town.

I promise to raise this child and any other children I have to respect other people and property.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed about what happened last night and I hate how Vancouver now looks to the rest of the world.  What I am proud of is the amazing job of the police, fire and ambulance service last night. I'm also proud that there were people out this morning helping the clean up crews. These people are what Vancouver and Canada are about. Unfortunately they aren't going to be what's remember.

34 weeks

How far along? 34 weeks 
Baby's size? Honeydew
Total Weight Gain: I've stopped checking, it was making me too sad.
Bellybutton:  Still in but it's getting closer. I've never been so creeped out by my belly button!
Stretchmarks: Hips and lower stomach
Maternity Clothes: Yup but they're starting to fit less comfortably.
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: The baby gets the hiccups at least a few times a day now. It's so strong you can see my stomach move from them. Also the baby has found a really uncomfortable spot to rest it's foot.
Sleep: Some nights I sleep really well others I hardly sleep at all.
Symptoms: just starting to get really tired now
Food Aversions: Nothing
Food Cravings: Candy again
Best Moments this week: Watching my belly move for 20 minutes while on my lunch break :)
What I miss: being able to breath properly. I'm hoping once the baby drops I'll be able to get more air in my lungs
What I am Looking forward to: My last ultrasound is this week. I'll be sad not to see the baby again until it's born.


It's been an exciting and interesting week. I ordered cloth diapers last weekend and they arrived Thursday. I was so excited to see them and I can't wait to get the baby wearing them. I don't know anyone who's used cloth diapers so I've been doing a lot of research. I only ordered 12 of the same brand and will be ordering more soon. I'm going to get a different brand to compare them. When I first told my mum I was planning on using cloth diapers she wasn't too thrilled and told me she'd keep a supply of disposables at her place for when the baby is there. When they arrived this week I brought them over and showed her, I also told her about the wet bag and that we mine as well use cloth wipes if we're doing diapers. She's now on board which I'm really happy about. Will have to "train" her on how to use them and put them in the bag so it's easier to clean.


I applied for a job within the company a few weeks ago. I've written about applying for one 6 months ago. It's the same job as the person who did get it is now moving away. I was wondering if I should apply or not but figured since it's a permanent job and not a temporary, as well as being in the area I want to eventually get into I couldn't turn down the chance. So I applied thinking if I was the right person for the job they would hire me and then get a replacement for my maternity leave (like they'd do if I'd gotten pregnant just after starting the job.) Well I got a call at work on Thursday to set up a time for an interview and it was supposed to be for Monday morning. Then she called again on Friday and said she'd noticed that I was going off in 5 weeks and was wondering what my plans were (was I planning on working through the mat leave as the position is only for Fridays and if the regulars call in sick.) I said no I was planning on taking the full year off. She then said "Well you realize we need someone now so it seem kind of pointless to train you when you'll be going off and then have to train someone else." I said yeah I realize it's not an ideal situation and I contemplated even applying but what it came down to was that this is the area I really want to get into and I couldn't turn down the chance. She then said that of course they couldn't stop me from applying because I'm pregnant (and I bit my tongue as I was REALLY close to correcting her and saying "no, actually you can't not give me the job because I'm pregnant.") She then continued with saying that since I'd just had an interview for it and that nothing had probably changed there wasn't a point in me going in for another interview and she would talk to the main HR person and they may just do a phone interview instead.


I'm so disappointed. There's no point in even having an interview now. She's basically said there's no way I'll get the job because I'm going off on maternity leave in 5 weeks. I am however interested on where they decide to go with this as legally they can't discriminate against me due to being pregnant and clearly at the moment they have by cancelling my interview and telling me that there's no point in giving me this position because I'm going off. 


It's funny because I never actually expected to get the job. I figured they'll probably give it to someone who's in the manager program (like they did last time) to give them the experience of working with that computer system. I also assumed my pregnancy would play a part in the reason I wouldn't get the job but I never expected them to actually imply this.