Emotions

I've been getting a little behind on my writing. I've been wanting to write about how I felt seeing Lauren for the first time and the range of emotions in the days afterwards.

I was fairly detached with Lauren's pregnancy. Although I would've been heartbroken had anything happened to her I didn't allow myself to feel that connection or bond.  The problem with this is that when she was born I also felt nothing for her. I hate to say that. I was so worried that I would continue to be emotionless toward my baby. I kept saying how she looked nothing like I expected her to look. The truth is I expected her to look like Hailey. She has a few of Hailey's features like her long fingers, toes and legs. Lauren also has my chin which Hailey also had but that's where the similarities end. Hailey was so small and young too it's hard to tell what she would've looked like at 8 lbs. I'm so glad that as time went by I started to feel something for Lauren. Slowly over 2 days I grew more and more attached to her. I now fully love her but I do feel a bit guilty that her mother was probably the last person to fall in love with her.

Dan and I went up to the cemetery when Lauren was 2 days old. It was so hard. I just stood there looking from Lauren to Hailey's stone thinking we could've only ever had one of them. I mentioned this to Dan and he said that he knew but wished there was a way we could've had both. Ask me now and I couldn't choose. I love them both so much and my heart will always ache for Hailey. Having Lauren here makes me feel like we made the right decision for Hailey. She'd only have lived for 2 days and it would've been so much harder to watch her go through everything. I looked at Lauren when she was 2 days old and realized it would've hurt so much more to lose Hailey at this stage then when we said goodbye. As much as I would've LOVED to have cuddles and spend time with Hailey before she passed away I know ending the pregnancy when we did was not just in Hailey's best interest, but in ours as well. It kills me that I have to write that.