A year behind

I've been thinking about Hailey a lot lately as Christmas gets closer. Really it's not even just christmas it's that I've been watching Lauren do a lot of "firsts". I've been finding this particularly hard because Lauren was born 18 days before Hailey's due date. It's also been nearly 2 years since our journey with Hailey began. Although I didn't know I as pregnant yet Hailey was already conceived and this time of year always makes me sad because I think was this the moment 2 years ago when it all started to go wrong? At some point between now and April 2010 something bad happened that changed our lives forever and we don't know why or when. As I watch Lauren reach milestones I can't help but feel like I'm a year behind. That it should've been a year ago I watched my child do all this. I guess that's the down side to having a baby right around the due date of the baby you lost.

Christmas is particularly hard. Christmas 2009 I was about 6 weeks pregnant and I was looking forward to 2010 and how great it would be to have a baby around for christmas. I never could've imagined how wrong I was. I still find myself going back to that question I'll never have an answer for......WHY.

Why Hailey? Why us? Why anyone? It all just seems so unfair. I want so much for Hailey to be here with me and I struggle with this feeling for a couple reasons.
I want the healthy Hailey I had in my mind before our world fell apart but that Hailey never existed. Hailey is and always will be our HLHS baby so when I think about wanting her here right now I think about her being healthy but I know deep down she never was and never would've been. That's such a hard thing for me to think about and except. Even after all this time I just wish my baby was ok or fixable.
I know I've said this quite a bit these past few months but I feel A LOT of guilt when I think about wishing Hailey was here because I know if Hailey was Lauren wouldn't be. I love them both so much.

I worry about my feelings for Lauren. I love her of course but I don't think I love her as much as I love Hailey. That's probably not the right words to say how I feel so I'll try to explain. I still feel like I'm holding back. I'm still waiting for that brick to fall and something bad to happen. These past few months all seem like a dream. Hailey took my innocence and my blind love. I find myself unable to look at Lauren and think my world would fall apart without you because I've held back and I've built this wall. Of course I'd be devastated if anything happened to Lauren but from Hailey I've learned that life can change so quickly. You think you're headed in one direction but you have no idea what's up ahead. I'm so scared of losing her or anything happening to her that I've tried to protect myself and I feel so bad for this. Lauren deserves more. Lauren deserves to be loved the way I love Hailey. I'm sure with time I'll get there. As each day passes I find I relax a little more but even now I get nervous voicing these feeling as I worry that by voicing them something will happen. Completely irrational I'm sure.