1 income family? *updated*

Dan told me last night that he finds out today if he's getting laid off. He says he found out yesterday and only because his management friend warned him. Apparently the company has a meeting at 10am and they'll know after the meeting. Today or tomorrow may be his last day and he wont get a compensation package.
I've always strongly believed that things happen for a reason. I don't know what that reason may be right now but I do have faith that we'll find our way and be ok. I was up most of the night thinking about our finances and the most important part is that my pay covers the mortgage (but not much else) so we don't have to worry about losing our house. We may live on kraft dinner and wear more sweaters for a few months but we'll be ok :)

*update* They didn't know for sure until 4:30 yesterday afternoon but they thankfully will not be laid off.

4 weeks

I did my HCG today and I can officially say I'm pregnant! My HCG level was 262 at 4 weeks 1 day (although I'm sure the doctor is going to put me back a day eventhough my cycle is 27 days instead of 28). This gives me a due date of...... August 31,2013.

I thought I'd start the weekly pregnancy questions. I'm not going to do this every week but it'll give me an idea of how much weight I've gained. Most of these questions aren't going to apply yet but I'll do the best I can.

How far along? 4 weeks
Baby's size? Poppyseed
Total Weight Gain: My weight at the moment is 138.2lbs
Bellybutton:  Obviously in
Stretchmarks: I never got rid of my stretchmarks from pregnancies 1 and 2
Maternity Clothes: No
Gender: Don't think we'll find out
Movement: No
Sleep: I've been suffering insomnia the past couple nights. I've barely slept at all the past 3 days.
Symptoms: Is it too early for morning sickness? I've been feeling nauseous most for a week now.
Food Aversions: Because of the nausea I haven't really been feeling like eating so everything.
Food Cravings: Nothing really.
Best Moments this week: Getting my BFP
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: Christmas!

I'm really hoping to a happy and healthy 9 months.
I forgot to update about the temp dip the other day. It went back up the next day from 96.4 to 97.5.

Drop in temp

I've been doing a lot of googling today and I figure it's time to write this post so hopefully it'll give others hope in the future.

This is the first month I've done charting. From everything I've read your temps start low and once you ovulate they increase. My chart shows I ovulated on day 14 which sounds pretty accurate based on my cycles. Then your temp is supposed to stay risen until the day or day before your period starts then it drops  below the cover line. If you're pregnant normally your temp stays high.

As you all know I took a pregnancy tests 2 days ago that game up positive. They also did yesterday so I'm not quite sure what this means. From what I've looked up online today occasionally it drops below the cover line but comes back up the next day. So I'm hoping mine will come back up tomorrow. I've decided I'm going to keep my plan and go form my HCG test on Saturday if my period doesn't start tomorrow.
I'm really regretting doing the charting now.

Pregnant?

*This was written yesterday*

I think I might be pregnant! Today is cycle day 25.  Last week I decided to give into my early testing obsession in a way that wouldn't cost us a lot of money.......ebay! I bought 25 tests for $10.25 (free shipping). I didn't really hold out much hope that these tests would ever show up positive because of Lauren's pregnancy and the lack of + urine, also they're the cheap strip tests but testing is my way of getting through the 2 week wait. I decided I was going to test Sunday (9 DPO) and every second day until my period arrived. Sunday of course was 100% negative. This morning however.....

I'm wasn't sure how much I trusted these tests so I took another later on this morning and.....

top-first morning urine, bottom taken a few hours later

It's even darker then my first morning urine! So now I'm pretty sure I am pregnant (at least for the time being). I'm still going to go for a blood HCG on Saturday if my period doesn't arrive Friday.
Of course this would be the month to get pregnant though. It's been a rough week in this house. Lauren was sick Monday/Tuesday with a really bad cold that she still hasn't completely gotten over. That means complete lack of sleep Monday night because she couldn't breathe and a few hours sleep Tuesday night. That's also around the time I started to feel nauseous after eating. I remember joking with Dan that if I turn out to be pregnant watch out because morning sickness before 4 weeks might be a sign of twins or more! I say this because with Hailey and Lauren morning sickness started around 6 weeks. I've also had a heightened sense of smell since Wednesday. I can't stand going over to my mom's because eventhough she only feeds the dog twice a day (first thing in the morning and then at dinner time) and picks up the dish when she's finished I keep smelling dog food which is driving me crazy.

I thought those symptoms were explained on Thursday when Dan came home from work in the afternoon because he wasn't feeling well. This is VERY unusual for him because he doesn't get paid sick time so he always goes to work even if he's sick (we need the money and he hates that his work doesn't pay sick time so he goes in anyway probably a little out of spite because most of his colleagues are on salary and do get sick pay). After sleeping the afternoon away  because he was feeling nauseous and dizzy he started to get diarrhea. Then at 9pm so did I. By 12am that turned into non stop vomiting for me which continued until 3pm Friday. My mum came first thing in the morning to pick Lauren up in hopes that she wouldn't get sick (and she didn't!!!!) The vomiting continued on and off the rest of the day. The only way I could keep down water was to take 2 gravel every 4 hours to knock me out then have something to drink when I started to feel drowsy. By Saturday we were both feeling better so we picked Lauren up and relaxed the rest of the weekend. The nausea after eating continued which we assumed was a prolonged effect from being sick. Now, maybe it's not but I do worry about all the stomach cramps and dehydration so early on in the pregnancy.

After taking the second test I filled out an online intake form for one midwifery group and called to make an appointment at another. Midwives are becoming popular in this area and I've heard that if you don't call them ASAP after finding out you'll be put on a waiting list and may not get to see one. I'm still waiting to hear back from the online one but I did get an appointment by calling the other office. I'm thinking I'll go with the one I have an appointment for. I'm not entirely sure how thrilled Dan is with my choice of having a midwife this time around so I think it will comfort him more knowing they also have doctor's who solely deal with pre/postnatal care and delivery.

With the holidays and because I need an afternoon appointment the earliest they could see me is Jan. 24th. This is fine with me because I'll be just shy of 9 weeks and I don't really like seeing anyone for pregnancy until after 12 weeks anyway. I have an appointment with my doctor early January (just shy of 6 weeks) for my yearly physical and while there I'm planning to ask for an early ultrasound done as close to before we leave for Australia as possible. I took a lot of comfort with Lauren knowing there was a heartbeat and she was growing well at 12 weeks and since we'll be in Australia when I turn 12 weeks this is the best I can do.

update on TTC and Lauren

It's day 15 of TTC cycle 2 and this month I thought I'd try temping. Of course when I say this I mean my version on temping because there's no way I ever get 3 hours of sleep before I wake up and also I've been on holidays this past week so I've been sleeping in too. I've never actually temp'd before and have always just assumed I ovulate on day 14 so with how I've been feeling about how long it'll take to get pregnant I figured I'd arm myself with as much knowledge as possible. I think it showed that I ovulated yesterday as expected since my temps from day 1-14 have been ranging between 96.4-96.7 and this morning was 97.2.

I'm not feeling confident about getting pregnant this cycle. We've done the every second day thing since day 11 but I just feel like this isn't our month. I don't know why but I still have this feeling that it'll take a while and I'm at peace with that. On day 1 of this cycle I was a little disappointed but I reminded myself that I'd rather it take a bunch of cycles to get pregnant if it goes on to be a healthy pregnancy for both myself and our future baby. Maybe these feelings are just a way to keep my expectations low? Next cycle is the last one we'll have a good chance to TTC because the timing will be incredibly bad for cycles 4 and 5. There's pretty much no chance of getting pregnant those months. Either way I've got a healthy child at home with me to cuddle, kiss and shower with love. If she's all we're meant to have here with us then so be it. I'm incredibly grateful for Lauren. 

Now onto Lauren! She's just turned 16 months and I don't see much baby left in her. I thought we'd be on the way to being potty trained by now but she seems to have regressed. A few months ago all she wanted to do was sit on the potty and would start to cry when you made her get off. Now it's the opposite. She still comes up and lets us know she need to go "pee pee" (we've just started getting her to say poo) but she refuses to go sit on the potty and by the time I struggle with her to get on she's already gone. The only consistent time she goes on the potty is first thing in the morning. In fact this morning her night diaper was bone dry and 10 minutes after waking up she looked at me said "pee pee" then "potty" and off we went were she peed straight away and a few minutes later pooped. I'm trying not to force this on her as I know 16 months is still very young to be potty trained so most days if she says she needs to go I'll just ask if she wants to go to the potty and if she says no I leave her for a few minutes then off we go for a change.

I can't believe how many words she knows. I started to write them all down the other day and stopped after 75. She's able to let us know if there's something she wants and is always copying us when we speak. The other day she was playing with a french/english toy and started to say words in french! It seems like every day she says a new word, like this morning while playing in the living room she could hear the birds outside and said "tweet tweet" while pointing at the window.

She's started the terrible 2's early and my patience is definitely being tested. At some point this past month she's also started to no with a lot of attitude. She wants to do everything on her own. Our biggest point of frustration is she wants to stand while going down the stairs and refuses help or even to hold my finger so she stands at the top of the stairs and getting upset because she wants to get down on her own but can't reach the banister. After about 5 minutes of this I either have to pick her up screaming and move her down 2 stairs so she can use the railing or she gives in and butt scoots down to that stair. Don't even get me started on how much fun it is to go shopping with her. Tuesday she had 3 on the floor screaming melt downs at the mall. It's not because she's frustrated and can't tell us what she wants, it's purely a power struggle. 

Now onto sleeping. Lauren's getting pretty consistent with her bed and wake up time (9:30-7:30 as well as a 2 hour nap during the day). I tried moving the bedtime up because I felt that 9:30 was a little late to go to bed but it just moves her wake up time ahead. After getting up at 6 a few mornings it's been moved back to 7:30. All in all I've excepted this because it also means Dan gets more time with her at night since he doesn't get home until 6:30/7. I'm still rocking her to sleep with a bottle mainly because within 5 minutes she's asleep and the transfer into bed is easy. Some nights she wakes up anywhere between 3-6 am and normally gets brought into our bed but she still sleeps through the night a few times a week. We're slowly going to transition away from falling asleep with the bottle to having the bottle as part of our bedtime routine before brushing her teeth. When that transition is finished we'll move to getting her to fall asleep on her own.

I spoke to a nurse from the health unit yesterday that deals mainly with dental issues in children 1-3 and we're going to transition away from the bottle. Dan and I knew this was coming for a while and I've been feeling like she's been drinking too much milk and not enough water or eating as much as she should. She's now limited to 3 bottles a day and the rest of the time is water. I've left her sippy cup filled with water on the coffee table so she can go over and have a drink whenever she likes. I've also left a bowl with raisins, cheerios and fruit next to it so she can eat as much and as often as she likes. When she comes up and asks for her bottle I've been directing her to the food and she's been eating. I'm starting to suspect she was asking for her "baba" because she was hungry. She hadn't been eating much the past couple weeks and I think it's because she fills herself up on milk. At the moment she gets a bottle when she wakes up and can have the rest of that bottle whenever she'd like throughout the rest of the morning. Once it's finished I put it out of sight and remind her that there's water. She gets her second bottle when she goes down for her nap, again if it's not finished she can continue to have it after she wakes up until it's gone then gets put out of sight. Her last bottle she falls asleep to at night. She very rarely gets a bottle in the middle of the night.

Here's some pics of Lauren

 Playing

 She decided to eat yogurt without help

 Getting our christmas tree!

 Licking the vegemite off her sandwich

She loves playing with blocks at the moment

TTC cycle 2

Well today is Day 1 of a new cycle. Nothing else really to add at the moment.

The 2 week wait

Well I guess I should start with how things are going. I said at the beginning of the month that we were going to not prevent but not "try" to conceive. I thought it would be easy but I can officially say it can't be done! At least not with us. I let Dan decide when we were going to have sex and oddly it happened to be every other day from day 10- 16 (when Lauren got sick.) It's strange because although I'll be ok if I'm not pregnant during the 2 week wait it's all I can think about. I'm expecting my period either Saturday or Sunday and I'm constantly symptom spotting, it's insane! Again, I think it comes down to my just wanting to know and not having control.

I went to the doctor on the 6th to discuss the abnormal periods I've had the past 2 months. I wasn't going to but then I randomly started producing colostrum again (after stopping breastfeeding 4 months ago) and wanted to make sure that this was normal. I guess I was worried that with my periods being off my hormones were out off as well. I told her how I'd though I was pregnant at the end of August because I was 4 days late, had cramping and my skin looked bad (all previous signs in past pregnancies) but I was going to wait until I was a week late to test because they were always negative with Lauren's pregnancy and had to be be confirmed with a HCG test. Then after being 4 days late I got my period and just assumed I was wrong and read too much into the symptoms, but day 4 of that cycle I started passing clots. I think my instincts were correct and I had miscarried. Then my next cycle at the end of October was 1 day early (no big deal) but again on day 4 I started passing clots again. I should specify, these are not little clots and I know they can be common but the only time I've ever passed clots that big was when I had my miscarriage between Hailey and Lauren.

She told me that although it could just be that my period has changed after having a baby it did sound like I'd had a miscarriage and she was going to do a urine preg test just to make sure it came back negative. She also gave me a requisition for a HCG test and told me next time I'm late not to wait and go in for the blood test instead. The urine came back negative, as I was expecting.

Now onto what's been going on the past couple days. I did my half marathon Sunday! Unfortunately I got a sinus cold Saturday (of course). I'm still proud of myself though. I set 3 goals in the order of importance when I first decided I was going to do this.
1- Do a half marathon
2- Do it without walking/stopping
3- Do it under 2.5 hours

I'm proud to say I accomplished all of those goals. It was really hard and I had to dig deep to do it. It was also really close because my time was 2:28. While I'm happy with this I am a little disappointed. The last time I ran was 2 weeks ago and I did 19K (half marathon is 21.1) in 2:03:28 so I was expecting to do much better then I did. I just have to remind myself I wasn't feeling very good and I'm happy I did it.

Being sick while TTC brings up some issues. I didn't take anything for my cold but the past couple days it's been lingering in my sinus. Yesterday I could barely hear because my ears were so blocked and there was a constant ringing but I just hate the thought of taking something while unknowingly being pregnant. I think about how I felt finding out about Hailey's HLHS and how I can say with 100% certainty there is nothing I could've done differently. I don't know how I'd feel if I had taken something but it was getting really bad last night and the with the constant sinus headache I knew I'd have to take something. Dan and I had a discussion and we decided that this morning I was going to take an early urine pregnancy test just incase by some luck it came up positive 3-4 days before missed period. If it didn't then I'd feel comfortable taking an over the counter sinus medication (Dan suggested one with pseudoephedrine). Of course the test was negative this morning and I'm so happy I've only needed 1 so far. My sinus is still a little blocked but more than tolerable.

I'll update on either day 1 or HCG results next week. If I'm late I'm planning on taking a morning urine test monday and then the HCG Tuesday. I guess we can officially change my mind set from not preventing to TTC.

Day 1

I started writing a post this morning about how I wasn't sure if today would be day 1 because I started spotting last night (which I never do) and it continued all day. Finally tonight it became more than spotting.  I knew I wouldn't be pregnant because we ended up using birth control most of the month. Originally I was confused because the first time we had sex after my new cycle started Dan brought out a condom. I asked him what he was doing and he came up with a lame excuse. I honestly didn't really want to get pregnant this past month with my half marathon coming up so I didn't argue. We did talk about it the next day and I told Dan that if he didn't want to stop using birth control this month I was fine with it and that I only really said it was alright because he'd mentioned he'd be ok if I got pregnant so I thought that's what he wanted. He told me it had been what he wanted but suddenly when it came time to actually stop using it he just wasn't ready so we used condoms right up until day 20, when I figured we should be safe. We have decided though that this month we wont use any form of birth control.

I just don't feel like it's going to happen right away. This is the first time I haven't been excited or anxious to get pregnant soon. I don't know if it's just because I'm on day 1 but I don't think my hearts really in it at the moment. Maybe it's because for nearly 2 years that's all I thought about. On the plus side I'm also not feeling anxious about the possibility of another heart baby either. Don't get me wrong, I'd be happy to get pregnant this month but I also would be ok if it didn't happen right away. Maybe I'm just preparing myself. I've warned Dan that it may take a little while to get pregnant this time around. I'm pretty sure Dan thinks we'll get pregnant right away like we did in the past but I'm not feeling very hopeful. Last time my cycles were so consistent I knew exactly when I'd ovulate and we had sex accordingly (Lauren's pregnancy). We also did the every second day method to get pregnant with Hailey. This time around because my cycle's so inconsistent with timing I have no idea when I ovulate. We also aren't full on trying either (ie. not having sex at certain times just to get pregnant). These next few cycles will be much more relaxed and if we aren't pregnant by the time we get back from Australia (in May) we'll start seriously trying. At least this past cycle was 27 days so it's getting back on track. We'll see how long it goes this month.

Update

I know I haven't been gone that long but I can't believe how much has changed. Here's an update on what we've been up to:

Lauren:
- She now has 10 teeth (3 molars). The bottom one was the hardest coming in but she's such an awesome teether that she was only a little irritable for a day or 2. The other bottom one we're still waiting for.

-She's started potty training herself! It started off with letting us know when she needed to poo. You can always tell from the look on her face so we'd take her to the potty and she started being interested in following us into the bathroom. She's now nowhere near 100% potty trained, probably not even 50% but she does let us know when she's peeing (she'll grab herself and say "pee!") or if she says "pee pee" we know that there's time to take her to the potty. She doesn't have different words for if she has to poo or pee so it's always a surprise what will happen after she sits on the potty :)

- We've converted her crib to a toddler bed and she's loving it! She happily climbs into bed, we read a book and she drinks her bottle and falls asleep.

-She's a little sponge at the moment. We were reading 5 little monkeys and she kept putting her hand to her head whenever I got to the part where the monkey bumps his head. So I said "Lauren, where's your head?" and she grabbed her head. She now knows where her head, hands, feet, toe, eyes, nose, ears, and mouth are. I can't believe how quickly she's picking things up and she now knows too many words to remember them all. Today she started saying "Oh man" after I said it when she dropped something.

Me:
I've been maintaining my weight (140lbs). I have to admit going back to work it's been a little harder but I ride my bike or walk to work most days so I'm still getting some exercise in. I'm counting my calories through the livestrong website.

Work has been going well. Nothing's really new and I'm happy in my job. There's a chance I may end up being offered a full time position. I'm not really sure what we'll do if that happens. They recently changed how you get jobs within the company. It used to be that it was offered throughout the lab first before it was posted company wide which meant that if you had a part time position within the lab you'd be next in line for a full time. Now it's strictly based on who's been with the company the longest.  The loophole for me being potentially offered fulltime is that they're extending the hours which means they may want to eliminate my part time shift or add an extra full time person. I'm not sure what we'd do though because at the moment we have free childcare with my parents. I don't know if they'd want to look after her full time and it's not worth the cost of childcare ($600+/month) for an extra 10 hours of pay a week. Actually I just did the math and it would work out to be $944/month before taxes. It seems like it would even out so what's the point. I'd rather have my child looked after by family and get to spend the afternoons with her then have her in childcare. They're hoping to start the new hours in January so I should know soon enough what their plans are.

I'm still training for my half marathon. I'm up to 17k at the moment. I'm nowhere near as motivated as I should be so I only run once a week (lately it's been biweekly.) I'm amazed at how my body can handle the run after a 2 week break. Only 1 month to go before the half marathon so I'm going to have to really push to run once a week now. The best part is that I don't stop at all! I was expecting to walk at some point during the run but so far I don't need to.

Dan:
There really isn't much new with him. He hates his work at the moment and has started to look for another job. I'm ok with him changes jobs as long as he has something lined up that pays close to what he gets now.

He's going to be an uncle! I'm sure I mentioned this  before but just in case Dan's twin brother's wife is pregnant (due February) and they recently found out they'll be having a boy. We're going to be in Australia during February so Lauren will get to meet her first cousin. I'm really excited and very relieved to hear that after the 20 weeks scan it looks like the baby is healthy.

Now for some pics of Lauren:

Plans for baby number 3

I'm back! I thought it was time to come back to blogging although I won't be writing as often as I did while ttc #2 (aka Lauren!) Here's where we're at with trying for baby #3.

I'm currently on day 4 of a new cycle. We've just decided that we'll stop preventing (using condoms.) We won't start actually "trying" to conceive until January. We've decided to let whatever happens happen because I've come to realize that there really isn't a very good time. Ideally I would like to not have another summer baby and therefore would prefer to not get pregnant in October or November, however if I hadn't gotten pregnant 2 years ago this month we wouldn't have Lauren so as much as a full term summer sucks, it's worth it in the end. I've also signed up for a half marathon in mid November. Although there's a possibility I could be pregnant at that time I've decided we'll deal with that if it happens. Likely it would mean I'd run 5k, walk 1k and repeat. My goal isn't time, just to finish so if it takes me longer I'm ok with that.

I don't really hold high hopes of getting pregnant these next few months. Not just because we aren't trying but because my cycle has been off. Here's the list of periods I've had since Lauren (Aug. 2011)
Feb 4,2012
July 18
August 31
Oct.1

As you can see my cycles haven't exactly been consistent which is really frustrating for me. I'm hoping by January I'll go back to my normal 28 day cycle. If I hadn't gotten my period by the end of this week I was going to go talk to my doctor about going on birth control to regulate my cycle so we could start trying in January. Thankfully it seems to finally be starting to do so on it's own. I think having that perfect 28 day cycle made it easy for us to get pregnant. I knew when I ovulated so I knew when I was most fertile. At the moment I have no clue which is ok because we aren't going to "time" when we have sex anyway. I never really understood how people can say they aren't trying to get pregnant but they weren't preventing. Now I get it. While ideally I'd like to wait a few months to get pregnant, we would be happy if it happened now and I don't feel the need to wait. If it's meant to be it will be.

I'll do an update on what's new Lauren soon. So much to tell you!!!!!

Another HLHS angel

I know I said I wouldn't write for a while but I just saw something and feel like I need to write it down.
When we found out about Hailey I reached out to the heart mum's community and had some great talks with a mother in Canada. I won't go into too much detail but their story gave me hope. At 2 years old their son was thriving with his HLHS although he still had one more surgery to go. After losing Hailey we grew apart and eventually lost contact. Here's part of one of my messages to her:

"It was really great to look at your pictures and see what to expect after the first surgery (assuming all goes well) and for my husband to see that some babies do turn out ok and do well."


I've just gone through my facebook messages deleting most (I still can't seem to delete ones about Hailey as I irrationally feel that doing so is deleting part of her and our past.) I saw my messages from her and checked out her profile to see how things were going.

At first I was excited to see 2 little hands as I assume this means they've gone on to have another child but when I went to the next picture I was shocked and saddened to see a memorial for their son. Because I'm not "friends" with them I don't know what happened but it's really hit me hard. I never met him or them yet for some reason I'm really upset. I think it's because this boy was supposed to be my hope. My hope that everything could've been ok with Hailey and I'm devastated for them.

Taking a break

I think it's time for me to take a break from blogging. I haven't really done much these past few months and when I first started the blog, like the title says it was meant to be about trying to conceive, going through a pregnancy and the emotions of having another baby after a loss. Now that we have a healthy one year old I think it's time to move forward and I honestly don't really have the time now that I'm working again.

I'll be back though. We are thinking of trying again in January so when we decide to I'll be back to post on our efforts of TTC baby #3 and hopefully healthy baby #2.

1 year

Weight: 22.9 lbs
Height: 76.4 cm (30 in)
My baby is 1!
Lauren had her first birthday last Thursday. My mum had a party for her the weekend before and we had a pretty low key day on August 2nd.  Dan and I didn't really want to do anything for her first birthday. She's not going to remember it and we feel like the party is more for the parents then the child but my mum wanted to do it so we let her plan and do the party she wanted. Lauren seemed to have a good time. She had her first piece of cake (vanilla with custard) and didn't like it at all. She did enjoy playing with the icing but none of it went into her mouth after that first bite. On her birthday my dad came over for dinner and brought ice cream cake. She liked this cake much better! Here's some pics of Lauren and the cakes.

Lauren's doing great with my going back to work. My parents are taking turns watching her while I'm at work and it's been going really well. As far as I know she doesn't cry when Dan leaves for work at all and she's happy when I come home. Lauren's sleeping has improved and she now only wakes up once a night. The weaning's been going pretty good too. We're now down to 2.5 oz of pumped milk and 5.5 oz of homo milk. Next week it'll be 2 and 6 and so on. She still breast feeds to sleep and during the middle of the night. I haven't figured out how to drop these feeds yet but oh well, we'll deal with this when it becomes an issue.

Moments of sadness

Even now 2 years on I still get moments of overwhelming sadness. I'm always surprised when this happens because it's not nearly as often anymore. This doesn't mean I don't think of Hailey daily just that I don't often cry when I think of her now. It also surprises me what the trigger is. I had one of these moments Wednesday at work.

I was taking blood from a patient when a song came on the radio. I normally tune out the radio but for some reason I was very aware the moment the song started playing. The song was the "olympic song" 2 years ago. I'm not sure the actual name of the song. I then just suddenly felt really sad and my mind started wandering (of course this is after I finished with my patient and walked away.) I started thinking about the first time I'd heard the song and how many times I'd heard it at work in February 2010. I then started thinking about how I was pregnant and full of excitement for the baby.  About all the things I did when the olympics were here and how I was looking forward to telling the baby that they'd been there with me too. I felt stupid for being so naive and not knowing my world was going to fall apart a month and a half later.

I had to go into the bathroom and have a little cry. Thinking of Lauren helped. If I couldn't have Hailey I'm so grateful we were given Lauren. Like I've said many times, Lauren will never replace Hailey but she does make it easier to move forward. She forces me to focus on the present and not on the things I cannot change, no matter how much I wish I could. These moments are becoming less and less often but I think they'll always be a part of my life. A life without one of my daughters.

Back to work

I went back to work this past Monday. I'm so thankful for getting to spend this year off with Lauren but I'm also happy to be back at work. As much as I love being home with her I'm never going to be a stay at home mum both for financial and social reasons. I'm just not the type of person who likes to stay home even if I do get to spend time with my gorgeous girl. I'm also thankful that I have this new position which means I'm only away from her for half a day. We're very lucky that my parents have offered to help us with childcare too. I'll do a brief description of how each day of the week went and where we had issues.

Monday: Dan had the day off which was quite convenient so she spent the day with him. I honestly don't think she really even noticed I was gone and just enjoyed his company. I started at 8:30, left a bottle for the morning came home at lunch to pump the afternoon bottle then when I got home after 4:30 I pumped again for the next mornings bottle. Both Dan and Lauren were asleep when I left for work at 8:15 (go figure, my first day back at work I could've slept in if I'd been home!!) Monday night she slept well.

Tuesday: I left again at 8:15 but Dan didn't start until 10 so the morning was quite relaxed. We all sat and had breakfast together and she was fine when I left. Dan dropped her off on his way to work at my mum's and she didn't seem bothered. It was a nice day so they spent a large part of the day outside (which she loves.) After I pumped on my lunch I dropped it off at my mum's without Lauren seeing me. I didn't want her to "remember" me and get upset when I only had time to stop by for a few minutes. When I came to pick her up at 5, after I'd gone home to pump she was very happy to see me. she gave me the biggest smile and hug then refused to let go. Unfortunately that night she fought sleep hard and wouldn't go to sleep until 11pm and that was only after we decided to let her sleep in our bed.

Wednesday: was like Tuesday including the sleeping issue at night.

Thursday: was the same with my mum but I heard her start to cry when I closed the door to leave. I think this was the first time she'd cried all week when I left. I think she was so tired that she fell asleep around 9pm in her crib (yay!!!!!) She spent the first half of the night in her crib but after 1am she started waking every hour so finally at 4am I brought her into our bed so I could get those couple hours of sleep.

Friday: was again the same during the day and last night she was asleep at her normal bedtime (8:30). She woke up at 5am and didn't want to go back to sleep so I brought her into our bed.

Saturday: I had the day off today but Dan had to work. We had our breakfast together in the morning and Lauren got upset when Dan left for work. She was VERY clingy and needy all morning. It felt like she was waiting for me to leave too. She fought going down for her naps and when she did sleep it wasn't for longer then 30 minutes. I think the lack of giving in to sleep is her version of separation anxiety. She's worried I won't be there when she wakes up :( Tonight we went for dinner at my dad's so we didn't get home until 9pm but she fell asleep on the way home and she is currently sleeping peacefully in her crib.

I had to go back full time this week to do my retraining. Monday was SO boring because I mainly filled out a bunch of paperwork, did 7 quizzes and certifications then went through and deleted all 1216 e-mails I'd received in my year off. Tuesday I was a normal employee, although still technically on training all week. It honestly feels like I never left, which is great. I'm looking forward to going back to my normal hours (part time) so that Lauren has an even better sense of normalcy. Once my hours and her schedule are consistent I'm hoping she'll get used to my being at work. I know this week could've gone a lot worse with the separation anxiety so I'm happy with how it went.

I'll end with a pic of Lauren :)

Taken a few weeks ago and has made me realize that I really need to take more pictures of Lauren!!!!

Breaking the co sleeping habit final post!

I'm happy to say I think we've officially broken the habit! Friday night was a fairly easy night with just a little bit of crying and last night was fantastic. She's even dropped a feeding! Here's how last night went and Friday night was similar.

I went out last night so Dan was in charge of putting Lauren to bed.
9pm She had her bottle then fell asleep in his arms. No problems putting her in the crib.
12am she woke up when I got home. Dan went in while I was pumping and offered her a bottle which she didn't want, just a quick cuddle and she was back asleep.
3am nursed her back to sleep. No problems going back into the crib
7am woke for the day.

I can't believe how easy this process was. We only really had that one bad night and it's now so much nicer having her in her own room. We've been careful not to let her spend much time on our bed too so she doesn't get used to being in there again, even if she is awake.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Breaking the co sleeping habit night 4

9:05 I placed her in the crib after she finished nursing awake
9:20 went back in after she cried the full 15 minutes. I didn't want a repeat of last night so I laid down on the floor and gave her my hand through the bars to hold (no talking) and she fell back asleep around 9:40
1ish woke up, nursed her to sleep and went into the crib no problem.
5:15 nursed and while doing so noticed that she needed a diaper change. Unfortunately this wakes her up so I knew it was going to be a long morning. Placed her in the crib awake at 5:45 and walked out.
6am went in, laid her down and left
6:15 picked her up and rocked her in the chair (no nursing)
6:30 placed her in the crib asleep
8:30 she woke up for the day

Last night went 100 times better then the night before. Still need to work on the morning but if the next few nights are similar I think we've pretty much beat the habit. I'm wondering how it would've gone if she didn't need to have her diaper changed. Hoping tonight will be the final night I blog about this!

June weight update

I thought I'd start updating my weight once a month. If you're interested and so you don't have to do back here's what my weights have been:

Pre pregnancy (Hailey) : 155lbs
Pre pregnancy (Lauren): 162lbs
40 weeks with Lauren: 215lbs
October 6th: 180.4lbs
March 4th: 155lbs
May 1st: 152lbs
May 16th: 148.6

June 13th: 

145 has always been my weight goal. When I realized that was within reach I decided to aim for 140. This would put me at a perfect 22 BMI. Now that it's within reach I'm thinking I want to get to 135. My reasoning is that my weight is going to fluctuate a little so getting to 135 allows a 5 lb give way. I know I'm doing exactly what I thought I'd do, go lower and lower as I reach each goal but I PROMISE I'll stop losing the weight when I get down to 135 and start maintaining instead of losing. I have to say watching the scale change has become a little addictive.

I was using the live strong website (free) to help with the weight loss when I first started but stopped when I reached 180. I've gone back to using it but changed my goal to losing a pound a week instead of 2 because I was trying to eat under the calorie limit and even at the calorie intake I'm at now I still have some left over most days. Here's a fairly normal day food wise:

Breakfast:

1.5 slices whole wheat bread: 135 (I do 1.5 because we get our bread from COBS cut thick)
Natural peanut butter: 100
Jam: 50
1.5 cups tea: 19.5
Total Breakfast calories: 304.5

Lunch:

3 slices whole wheat bread: 270
margarine: 80
cheddar cheese: 117.9 (I cut my cheese then weigh it so I can add it in correctly)
ketchup: 30
tea: 13
Total Lunch: 510.9

Afternoon snack:
2 cookies: 140
1/2 can of coke: 70
Total snack: 210

Dinner:
2 servings chicken breast (who really eats only 4 oz of meat!): 260
3 servings butternut squash (my fav!): 120
1.5 mashed potatoes: 166.5
1% milk: 110
Total Dinner: 656.5

Evening snack:
1.5 cups 1% milk: 165

TOTAL CALORIES EATEN: 1847 (over my limit to lose 1 lb a week by 57 calories)

I went for a 45 minute run so that burned roughly 395 calories which leaves me with +338 calories remaining so I'm definitely not starving myself to lose the weight. I do however find that I don't snack as much as I would've because I know I have to put it in. I find writing it down leaves me more accountable and I'm so much more aware of what I'm actually eating and how much. This also doesn't take into account the extra calories I'm burning breastfeeding.

I went shopping for work out clothes Monday and before getting pregnant I was a large in pants, maybe a medium if they were being generous so I picked out mostly M's to try on with a few L's so I wouldn't have to ask for them if the mediums didn't fit (there's nothing worse then asking for a bigger size then you picked out originally.) The large's were HUGE and the the mediums were too big too. I can't remember the last time I fit into a small! I'm so proud of myself. I've started thinking a lot about having baby #3 and it's kind of funny to think that I'm losing all this weight just to gain it back again. I'm hoping now that we've had a healthy baby I'll be less of an emotional eater (wishful thinking?) Baby #3, we're thinking about not preventing in December and full on trying in March.

breaking the co sleeping habit night 3

Well unfortunately night 3 did not go as well as nights 1 and 2. I tried not to be upset because last night went how I'd expected this process to go. I was disappointed though because I'd heard it takes 3 nights to break a habit and with how well the first 2 nights went thought for sure we'd be set for a great night tonight. Now I'm not so sure. Here's how it went:

Lauren refused to take an afternoon nap yesterday. She'd fall asleep in my arms but the moment I put her in the crib she'd wake up and cry. So after trying for an hour (and refusing to nurse her after the first attempt) I just let her stay up.

7:30 she nursed to sleep and went down in the crib with no problems.
11:20 woke up. I nursed her and placed her back in the crib awake at 11:30 (she doesn't nurse for long at night and I'm pretty sure we could drop this feeding if we really wanted to)
11:33 she stopped crying (yay!)
11:38 Dan came to bed and the crying started (I was not happy with him at all!)
11:50 Dan went in to try to settle her
12am he left her room.
12:15 I went in, laid her down and left.
12:30 Dan went back in.
12:45 I went in
1am Dan went in
1:15 I went in and though maybe this isn't just I don't want to sleep on my own, maybe she wants something so I nursed her but she wouldn't sleep
1:30 I placed her back in the crib crying
1:45 Dan got up and changed her incase that was the problem then tried rocking her to sleep (she cried the whole time)
2:15 I got up and decided maybe it's her teeth bothering her (she's getting her second and I think 3rd top teeth) so we gave her tempra.
2:30 I nursed her back to sleep and placed her in the crib. She was still crying a little when I left the room and continued to cry on and off all night (no longer then 5 minutes each time.)
7:30 woke up (when our alarm went off since I left both doors open) and I nursed her back to sleep, no problems going back in the crib
9:15 got up for the day.

She's been pretty happy this morning but VERY clingy. Hopefully it was just her teeth bothering her and tonight will be a better night.

I've switched to drinking tea in the mornings instead of coffee but I must admit I stopped for an xl coffee at Tim Horton's this morning!

Breaking the co sleeping habit night 2

Lauren had another nap in the afternoon from 4-5 so she didn't go to bed until 9pm. She didn't fall asleep while feeding and seemed like she couldn't get comfortable in my arms so I laid her in the crib and she fell asleep on her own almost instantly. She woke up at 1am (I'm pretty sure she would've slept longer and that Dan woke her up on his way to bed) so I fed her and she was still awake when I put her back in her crib. She was crying when I walked out of the room but her crying lasted for less then 5 minutes!!!!

Now the dreaded morning feed. She woke up at 5:30 so by the time I fed her and she was back asleep it was 6am. If she keeps this timing it will actually work out perfect with my return to work as that's what time I'll have to start getting ready. We need her to go back to sleep though so Dan doesn't have to be up so early. She also needs the extra sleep. You can tell just by looking at her. If she was wide awake and not at all sleepy Dan would have to get up with her but we're breaking habits and I know that if I get her up at 6am she'll want to go back to sleep by 8am which becomes a problem with return to work.

She woke up when I put her back in the crib and she cried for 15 minutes. I asked Dan to go in because she was calling for me and I thought it would help so at 6:15 Dan went in and said that she was definitely tired but fighting sleep so he changed her in hopes that it would make her a little more comfortable. It didn't so he just laid her back in the crib and left at 6:30. I went in after 15 minutes of crying at 6:45 and decide I'd try my luck with feeding her to sleep ( I know we're trying to break that habit too but she didn't seem like she'd fall asleep otherwise.) She was asleep by 7 and stayed asleep when I put her back in the crib. She woke up for the morning at 8:50.

Night 2 = success. The middle of the night feeding went even better then yesterday. Hopefully we've now tackled that and the morning feeding will start getting better.

Breaking our co sleeping habit

Lauren, Dan and I co sleep. This happened by accident and has been a very hard habit to break. I'm not against co sleeping but it doesn't work well for us. Dan and I don't spend a lot of time together during the day and we like to cuddle up in bed together and that's a little hard to do with a baby between us. Also Lauren likes to cuddle up next to me so I feel like I have absolutely no space and most nights am hugging the side of our bed. When Lauren was around 4 months she started waking up at 5am and I'd have a very hard time getting her back to sleep. I discovered that if I brought her back to bed with me she'd sleep another 2-3 hours and really who wouldn't rather sleep until 7am instead of 5am! Then Lauren caught a bad cold in April and was sleeping in our bed because I had to prop her up so she could breathe. Ever since we've been battling the co sleeping habit so I thought I'd do a series of posts on our efforts to break this.

Lauren's always had issues falling asleep and as frustrated as I get I do feel bad for her because I'm pretty sure I have given this to her. I'm a terrible sleeper and have never been able to just fall asleep right away so I try my best to have patience with her lack of sleeping at night. She'll sleep in her crib for naps (I should clarify. At the moment I'm still nursing her to sleep in the rocker and then placing her in the crib.) She does wake up a little when I transfer to the crib but I've found if I place her on her side she'll go back to sleep right away. So naps aren't an issue, even bedtime isn't normally an issue. It's the middle of the night that we struggle with. I've also been thinking with my return to work next month we should probably start working on getting her to fall asleep on her own. Here's Lauren's schedule night schedule:

Bed time: 7-8. We're a little flexible with this as Lauren doesn't always have an afternoon nap so some              days she's more tired then others.

Wakes between 11-12 for her first feeding.

Wakes again between 3-4 for second feeding

7:30 am wakes up for the day

She normally ends up in our bed after that 11-12 feeding. It's not from lack of trying. I'll put her in the crib like I do with her naps but she'll wake up and not go back to sleep. I'll try sitting beside the crib holding her hand and singing to her then pick her up and rock her to sleep to try again. After 3 failed attempts she ends up in our bed and happily falls asleep almost instantly.

Last night was night 1 of breaking this habit. Here's how it went:

We went over to our friends place for dinner and didn't get home until 8. Lauren wasn't ready for bed at all since she had a much needed nap from 4-5 so we got her all ready for bed then let her stay up and video chatted with Dan's parents. At 9:30 she was definitely ready for bed. I fed her to sleep but when I placed her in the crib she woke up and started crying. I told her she was ok, I loved her and then walked out. She was FURIOUS. We let her cry for 15 minutes then Dan went in and tried rocking her to sleep but she kept trying to get away and after eye gauging him twice he did the same as me and put her back in the crib and walked out. 10 pm I went in and she was standing in her crib so I laid her back down, told her she was ok and I loved her then walked out. 10:15 Dan went in and he told me she was standing so he picked her up and she instantly fell asleep in his arms. He placed her in the crib asleep and walked out.

She woke up at 2:15ish which was really unusual for her. I went in, picked her up and fed her. When she was asleep I placed her back in the crib and walked out. She woke up 10 minutes later (which is what she does if for some reason she doesn't wake up when we put her in her crib) so instead of going back in I let her try to fall back asleep on her own. I was very surprised because she never really cried. She just babbled to herself and within 10 minutes there was silence. I tossed and turned all night because I was so worried if she was ok but I wouldn't allow myself to go in to check on her (if I would've she'd have woken up.)

We woke up to the alarm going off at 7:30 and silence from Lauren's room. Dan heard her thumping her feet at 8 am and went to go get her. Apparently she looked at him, rolled over and fell back asleep. She woke up again at 8:30 happy.

Night 1 = SUCCESS

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was expecting a whole lot more crying. Hopefully night 2 will go just as well or even easier.

10 months

Weight: 21.10 lbs
Height: 29in (73.66 cm)

I'm a little late writing this so I'm going to start of off with some news. Lauren is officially walking on her own! It's only started happening this week where she's gotten the courage to let go and walk away. My mother in law labeled her perfectly. Lauren is a wanderer. She doesn't really play with toys at the moment. She's happiest walking around. No where in particular she just walks around! It's really cute to watch her though.

-So this last month has been a busy one for Lauren. We went to Hawaii! Lauren had her first plane ride (2,3 and 4 as well) She did very well. The flights there were ok. I tried breastfeeding her during takeoff and landing but she was more interested in everything going on so I gave up. It was ok though because I don't think it bothered her ears at all.

-We spent a lot of our time at the outdoor pool because Lauren did not enjoy the beach, more specifically the ocean. She was really funny to watch because she loves the water and would walk towards it but start crying and getting upset when the water would come up to her. By the end she would cry walking up to the water because she knew what was going to happen.

-We went with my extended family on my mum's side and while we were waiting at the airport during our first lay over my cousins 3  year old was running around and Lauren was having so much fun chasing him. After a while she seemed to tire of dragging me around behind her so she let go of my hand and off she went. We always knew she could walk on her own if she was motivated enough and this proved that. She followed him on her own for a good 5 minutes. Chasing him however was the only time she'd let go of my finger and walk on her own.

-While we were gone Lauren got her 3rd tooth (first one on top!) She was so good I didn't even know it was coming in until I could see the bulge and it poked through the next day.

- Dan stayed home so this was Lauren's first time away from her Dad. She's spent the night at my mum's before but never longer away from either of us. It didn't seem to bother her at all until we got home and she refused to look at him! She had this priceless look on her face and just stared into the distance. It took Dan taking her for a "walk"  (aka lending a finger and letter her wander around) for her to even look at him.

- Lauren had altitude sickness. On our second day in Hawaii we decided that since we were still on a different time zone we'd get up at 2:30 and go watch the sunrise on top of a volcano. Unfortunately a few minutes after we hit 8000 ft Lauren started vomiting. This really scared me. She had been sleeping the whole time and suddenly woke up crying a different cry and then vomiting. Luckily we were just coming to a spot to pull over and since we took 2 vans my 2 aunts were able to switch vehicles and continue up while my mum, Lauren and I headed back. Thankfully she quickly fell back asleep and slept until we got back at 8 am.

I know altitude sickness is common for infants but it really did scare me. It brought back the heart fears. Because of Hailey's HLHS she could never had gone to such an altitude and my instinct when Lauren started vomiting was to check her pulse.

That's about it that's new this past month. We're planning a little mini holiday soon and I'm very interested in how it'll go but I'm also excited because we'll be visiting friends who have a daughter 3 days younger then Lauren and they're both at the same spot developmentally ( Hailey may actually be a little a head of Lauren.) Yup that's right. Their daughter's name is Hailey. I'm not quite sure how that's going to be but I'm trying not to think about it too much right now.

Here's some pictures from the past month

One of the first pics of Lauren walking on her own

Someone learned to climb the stairs!

Lauren and I our first morning in Hawaii

Lauren loved having her own hula monkey to play with

Watching the fish at the aquarium in Hawaii

Love the cheeky smile

It's a bad pic but this was the look on her face Lauren when she first saw Dan

3 more to go!

I weighed myself at my mum's this afternoon (where I always do) and was surprised to see 148.0! This was before I ate lunch so by the time I went home and picked up my camera it had gone up a little.

I can't believe I'm only 3 pounds away from my goal weight and almost 10 pounds lighter then I was before getting pregnant. I'm feeling a little strange about this though and am getting a little concerned with my mentality because although I'm 7 pounds lighter then I been in years I look at myself in the mirror or in pictures and am really unhappy. I still think I look fat. Maybe it's just because although I weigh less then before my body has changed. I haven't been able to lose the excess stomach so even with the extra pounds gone I can't get into some of my pre pregnancy pants and some shirts are still a little too tight around the hips for me to be comfortable wearing. I do however catch glimpses of myself in a mirror or window occasionally and think that I look great. I just wish that's what I'd see every time.

My mum and I joined a gym yesterday for 3 months. I'm happy with 145 but hoping to be able to tone a bit and hopefully lose the belly. Since I'm still doing well with losing the weight and I'm not at the perfect BMI of 22 (currently 23.3) I think I'll try to keep up with the weight loss and get to 140.0 which would give me a BMI of 21.9. I'm not going to push myself too hard to get to 140 though. I'll be happy to be 145, it's just 140 would be ideal. So with this new goal........only 8 pounds to go!

First steps?

Lauren took her first "steps" today. I say it like this because I've started to realize that I'm not really sure if it counts or not. Does it count is she doesn't realize she's walking on her own? Lauren woke at 6 this morning and Daniel was nice enough to get up and let me sleep in. I got up at 9 and could hear them in the living room. The moment she saw me she took off almost in a run toward me with Dan holding her hands. Dan decided to let go when she was a few steps away. She didn't notice and continued walking into my arms. Then this afternoon we were both playing around with her and decided to get her to walk to each other. It was only a few steps and she doesn't start walking on her own it's just once she's started she'll keep going a few extra steps unaided.

We've decided to continue with this strategy and spend 5 minutes a day playing this game. She's been walking around the furniture for a while now and it's crazy to see how much more confident she is with herself so I expect it'll be the same with walking on her own. She stands for a while by herself and isn't afraid to reach across or bend down to pick something up with one hand. We've known she could walk on her own for a while, at the moment she only holds onto us with one hand and it's rarely used as support. She just needs to build her confidence and not sit the moment she realizes she's standing by herself.

I do see a bit of an issue though if this is going to be her preferred way of getting around. Because she has decided not to crawl if I put her in the middle of the room she's still stuck. The only way she can get to standing is if she's near something she can pull herself up on. Who knows though maybe the motivation of walking around will be enough to make her start crawling. Even if it is just to the closest piece of furniture.

My friend happened to be visiting with her daughter so she filmed it for us. I'll put it up when I get Dan to put it on my laptop (yes I'm useless with computers!)

9 months

Weight: 21 lbs
Height: 71.5cm

-Lauren went on her first hike! I bought a carrier online from a buy and sell for $20. The hike was 10k return and took about 2 hours with a nice break at the lake. She loved it and was well worth the $20!

-She still loves standing. She can now pull herself up and walk along the couch. This has given me a bit more freedom because I've made a little walkway for her so she can get around safely and play with her toys. I really feel like it won't be long before she's walking on her own. I see her wanting to let go but she doesn't have the courage. She can stand on her own for about 15 seconds if I distract her otherwise she just calmly sits herself down. If I'm walking around with her it's now one handed.

-Lauren loves "helping" with laundry. If there's something I need to get done in another room I just put a laundry basket full of clothes in from of her. 

-She enjoys chewing on meat. I've found out she gets this from Daniel. Apparently Dan used to chew his steak until all the flavour was gone then spit it out. Lauren doesn't go quite that far but she does enjoy chewing it and occasionally will eat some of it.

-This is how she sits in her chair, even with the top on she'll place her foot between the 2.

-Lauren's second tooth came through on Wednesday (25th). I was wondering last time if it was teething that made her so upset or the cold that arrived the day later. Well it must of been the cold because she was her normal self for the most part.

Lauren got her 3rd(?) cold. This is her 2nd cold in a month but I think it's from going to the community drop in. It's just a bunch of babies that sit around a pile of toys, chew on them and pass them on to be chewed on by another baby. Oh well. It's not too bad and hopefully she'll be less sickly when she starts school (yes I'm already looking that far ahead!)

My weight update

It's been 2 months since I wrote the weight post so thought it was time for an update. I've lost 3 pounds! I'm happy with this but it's hard after losing 60 pounds in 7 months to only losing 3 in 2. I was hoping and still am hoping to be under 150 when we go to Hawaii at the end of the month. Will have to try to work hard to lose those final few pounds. 3 down, 7 to go to get to my ideal weight!!!

Test results.......

Negative! I've never been so happy to not see a line. We would've made it work but financially it would've been very hard. This also means I can now sign up to do the half marathon for the heart and stroke foundation in November. Dan and I have decided that we'll likely start trying for baby #3 in December (no more summer babies!!!!!)

I'll end with a pic taken of Lauren today

Testing tomorrow

I wasn't sure if I should even bother writing this because I'm fairly certain how it will turn out. Tomorrow morning I'm going to take a pregnancy test. 99% certain it will be negative but I've been having a few pregnancy symptoms and want to put my mind at rest.

Since having Lauren I've only had 1 period. That was mid February. I know this is common for breastfeeding mothers and although it's very strange for me not to have a period every month I haven't been too worried. What I am worried about is the cramping I've been having for the past 2 weeks. I keep expecting my period to show up because I've been getting the cramps but it never does. I've only had this happen 2 other times and that was when I was pregnant with Hailey and Lauren.

Trying not to think too much into it. We've been really careful so I know the likelihood is really low but I guess nothing but abstinence is 100% I don't even want to think what it'll mean for our lives it I am. Will update tomorrow!

2 years

Why do I torture myself? Yesterday someone on Facebook put a link to a you tube video of their friend's hlhs baby's memorial video. It was really nice, sweet and actually amazing timing because from it I also found a song I love and is pretty much exactly how I feel. However from this I spent some time today looking at video's of hlhs babies. As crazy as it sounds I actually started to feel jealous of the parents. I was jealous that they got to spend time with their baby. This is the part I've struggled with the most about our decision.
I'm really thankful this blog has lead me to Lacey. After feeling this I thought about one of our many conversations (which I often do when I'm feeling down) and reminded myself of the reasons why we made the decision we did. Her heart was unfixable. We felt (and still do) that it would've been cruel to make her live those few short days knowing what would happen in the end. So as much as I wish I'd gotten to hear her cry, feed her or see her looking at me I have to remember she was very sick. I gave up the chance to do that so she wouldn't have to be in any pain but sitting here my arms just want to hold her again.

I now hate saying how I wish it could've been different. I feel like by saying that I'm wishing away Lauren for Hailey so now I'll simply say....... I wish I could have them both.

Here's the song lyrics:

In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious child, precious child

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart, there is hope

'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

And you are with me still

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon,

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,

See you, touch you

And maybe there's a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

By Karen Taylor