Moments of sadness

Even now 2 years on I still get moments of overwhelming sadness. I'm always surprised when this happens because it's not nearly as often anymore. This doesn't mean I don't think of Hailey daily just that I don't often cry when I think of her now. It also surprises me what the trigger is. I had one of these moments Wednesday at work.

I was taking blood from a patient when a song came on the radio. I normally tune out the radio but for some reason I was very aware the moment the song started playing. The song was the "olympic song" 2 years ago. I'm not sure the actual name of the song. I then just suddenly felt really sad and my mind started wandering (of course this is after I finished with my patient and walked away.) I started thinking about the first time I'd heard the song and how many times I'd heard it at work in February 2010. I then started thinking about how I was pregnant and full of excitement for the baby.  About all the things I did when the olympics were here and how I was looking forward to telling the baby that they'd been there with me too. I felt stupid for being so naive and not knowing my world was going to fall apart a month and a half later.

I had to go into the bathroom and have a little cry. Thinking of Lauren helped. If I couldn't have Hailey I'm so grateful we were given Lauren. Like I've said many times, Lauren will never replace Hailey but she does make it easier to move forward. She forces me to focus on the present and not on the things I cannot change, no matter how much I wish I could. These moments are becoming less and less often but I think they'll always be a part of my life. A life without one of my daughters.