2 years

Why do I torture myself? Yesterday someone on Facebook put a link to a you tube video of their friend's hlhs baby's memorial video. It was really nice, sweet and actually amazing timing because from it I also found a song I love and is pretty much exactly how I feel. However from this I spent some time today looking at video's of hlhs babies. As crazy as it sounds I actually started to feel jealous of the parents. I was jealous that they got to spend time with their baby. This is the part I've struggled with the most about our decision.
I'm really thankful this blog has lead me to Lacey. After feeling this I thought about one of our many conversations (which I often do when I'm feeling down) and reminded myself of the reasons why we made the decision we did. Her heart was unfixable. We felt (and still do) that it would've been cruel to make her live those few short days knowing what would happen in the end. So as much as I wish I'd gotten to hear her cry, feed her or see her looking at me I have to remember she was very sick. I gave up the chance to do that so she wouldn't have to be in any pain but sitting here my arms just want to hold her again.

I now hate saying how I wish it could've been different. I feel like by saying that I'm wishing away Lauren for Hailey so now I'll simply say....... I wish I could have them both.

Here's the song lyrics:

In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious child, precious child

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart, there is hope

'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

And you are with me still

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon,

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,

See you, touch you

And maybe there's a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

By Karen Taylor