Jack's heart

Unfortunately we learned that Jack wasn't as healthy as we originally thought. Here's the story about how we found out:

Since Jack was "premature", only by 2 days they checked his sugar levels at 2 hours old. It was very low (1.?) so it was decided he'd be sent up to the nicu to be monitored. This was incredibly hard. I knew he would be fine but it just brought back all the memories with Hailey. It's such a horrible feeling being in a room on your own just hours after giving birth. Eventually after crying for a while I rang the nurse and explained that we'd had a stillbirth and it was really hard not being with him. She called over to the nicu and we were allowed to go up to be with him. His sugars were checked often and they increased to 3.6 so he was allowed to leave and go back to our room. While he was being checked out by the paediatrician he noticed a heart murmur. Without having anymore tests he suspects it's a hole in the septum. We will have to do more tests but he expects it to close on it's own without surgery. He ordered an ecg to be done the next morning just incase. We waited all day for the results of the ecg. I saw the OB who said I could go home when Jack was discharged and the doctor who would normally check over Jack said he'd discharge us as long as the paediatrician gave the ok. All we needed to do was wait for him to come and tell us we could go. Around 6 he came in and checked Jack over again. He asked if we noticed any difficulty breathing or colour issues and we said no. I then asked if the ecg had come back ok. He then said "no actually it showed dextrocardia." I do ecg's with my job so I knew what that meant. My heart sank. Here we thought we'd have a healthy baby and yet we were being told he potentially had a heart defect too. Well, he did have at least one since the hole in his heart is considered a CHD. He wanted to order a chest X-ray to see what it showed. We did it around 9 and after waiting around a few hours the nurse mentioned that there was no radiologist on duty to read it and that we likely would be here all night again. Dan went home to get some sleep and watch Lauren. He returned the next morning with Lauren and we waited until 11 for the paediatrician to come back to talk to us. Basically he said he doesn't know. The chest X-ray didn't show a mirror image like you would see in true dextrocardia but it is definitely tilted and not a "normal" X-ray. He was referring us to children's for an ultrasound, echo and meeting with a cardiologist. He was hoping we'd go the next day (the 23rd) or sometime that week but warned that with the holidays their staff wouldn't be normal and they wanted to do all the tests and appointments the same day. He discharged us and made sure to say that he wasn't too concerned and if he was we'd be transferred to children's immediately or not allowed to leave the hospital. We were sent home and told to keep an eye on his breathing and colour and return if anything was "off".

It's been a rough 11 days. I watch him closely and he's always in the same room as us. He sleeps in the pack and play or bouncer during the day and in the basinet next to our bed at night. He's a great sleeper and has made adjusting from 1 to 2 kids pretty easy. He only really wakes at night for feeding and diaper changes. We still aren't sleeping much but that's just my anxiety about all that can go wrong at night. I saw my doctor yesterday and Jack seems to be doing really well. He's past his birthweight and has great colour. She said that we shouldn't expect a call from children's until next week. She thought that the outpatient programs were closed over the holidays. The waiting is the hardest part. I just want to know what's going on with him so we can deal with it and move forward. It could be nothing or it could be something. At this point we don't know.

Birth story

I started getting uncomfortable braxton hicks (that's what I thought it was at least) around 1pm on the 19th. They'd come and go lasting for different lengths of time and different intervals in between. I thought I was in false labour by 5 because they hadn't gone away but weren't getting worse. Dan asked me if I was sure it was false labour and I said no, I'm just assuming because it's so early. A friend suggested I have a bath to see if that helped. Apparently false labour gets better in the bath. It didn't stop it, although  was anything but relaxing with Lauren watching and throwing bath toys in she thought I'd like. After 30 minutes she joined me and we played for a little bit in the bath. I got out and decided to call labour and delivery to see what they said. Since I wasn't 37 weeks they suggested I come in and get checked out. I went with my mom and they did a 30 minute stress test which showed a few random contractions and that the baby was doing fine. My OB happened to be the one on call. When she did an exam at 7:30 she said I was 1 cm and still pretty thick. I was then sent home.

The contractions didn't go away and actually got a little more painful. At 11:45 I decided to take a gravel to help me sleep since I couldn't sleep through the contractions. Around 12 I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and felt a gush. I immediately said to Dan that I'm either bleeding, like I did while in labour with Lauren or my water broke. I got up and went to the bathroom. sure enough my water had broken. It just kept coming randomly too which was really uncomfortable. I called my mum and asked her to come watch Lauren. I also called labour and delivery to let them know I'd be coming back and they were shocked!! We were so unprepared so went to the hospital with nothing.

At the hospital they hooked me up to the monitors again and it was showing 3 contractions every 10 minutes. I was then taken to a room. Unfortunately around 3am the contractions slowed then stopped. I slept until around 7am waking up the odd time with a contraction. Then we started walking the hallways since we knew it was only a matter of time before induction talk would start.

Since I wasn't having contractions anymore they decided to induce me at 10:30 with oxytocin. I wasn't too happy about this as I'd gotten my hopes up of an uninduced childbirth after my water breaking and had heard horror stories of how bad the contractions were. They promised to only use as much as necessary and start very low and slowly increase every 30 minutes so we started the induction. I started getting regular contractions around 1pm and around 3 I started using gas. This is also when I was 4 cm and considered in active labour. The gas worked for about an hour and then we tried fentynol which also worked briefly. I loved both nurses who looked after me. I mainly had one nurse and the other came in while she was on lunch or breaks.  Unfortunately because of the induction I wasn't able to walk around anymore. They needed to monitor the baby and my contractions and the portable machine wasn't picking up the heartbeat very well. So I just laid in bed for the most part. That actually turned out to be ok because the contractions got intense fast. I cried much sooner then I did with Lauren during contractions and even joked to the nurse about it in-between. Around 4:30 I decided that the pain was just too much. It was so much worse then with Lauren. I never felt that it was worth getting an epidural with her. The thought of them scare the crap out of me. It seems so unnatural to put a large needle into your spine for any reason. However this time I was very willing. The doctor wasn't going to be in until 5 and there was one other request on the ward then he would come and see me. I literally counted down every 10 minutes. It was brutal and the contractions were pretty much one on top of the other. I didn't feel like I really had more then a few seconds off the gas in between contractions and near the end just kept breathing it in the whole time. Finally around 6 the doctor came in and went over the risks. Just to give an idea of how much pain I was in....... remember how I said with Lauren I never considered it worth the risk of getting an epidural? Well when he was going over the risks I thought in my mind "yeah yeah I don't care if I'm paralyzed just make it stop!" He put the epidural in and after a few minutes I felt my feet go numb. The doctor was still in the room when I felt like it was time to push. The nurse checked me and I was 9 cm. She called the OB who arrived very shortly after and I was 10 cm and ready to push. This OB, who wasn't my regular one takes pride in saying that very few of his patients ever tear and he was very good. He looked me straight in the eye and said that if I didn't want to tear I needed to listen to exactly what he was saying. If he told me not to push, don't push. As much as that was going to hurt it would be worth it not having stitches. 2 pushes and he was out at 6:24 pm. No tearing and at one point he did tell me to stop pushing, which I did and Jack came out all on his own. I'm glad that the epidural hadn't fully kicked in. I'm glad that I was able to feel him come out and I really do believe that the epidural relaxed me just enough to listen to the doctor.

I had mentioned to the nurse to not bother saying what the sex was and how with Lauren I asked 6 times before they finally just showed me. This time she held him up and I was the one to first say "It's a boy!" It's a moment I'll never forget.
We did skin on skin and it took a while for the placenta to come out. He weighed 2664g or 5lbs 13oz.

Baby at 36 weeks 5 days

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

I'm going to do multiple posts for birth story and what's gone on since. He's considered a preemie and  he does have some preemie related issues but he's home with us now. His birth weight was 5lbs 13 oz. I'm still in shock to have an early baby. I already had my eyes set on the January 22nd induction date. We've named him Jackson but quite often find ourselves calling him Jack so sorry if it's confusing, I'm sure I'll end up using both randomly.

Lauren has been such a great big sister. She absolutely adores her little brother and showers him with love. It's so cool to watch the bond form that will only get stronger as time goes on. I'm so proud of her, of both of them.

37 weeks FULL TERM!!!!!!

How far along? 37 weeks
Baby's size? Winter melon
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 197.2  Up  48.6 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, sometimes painful and more frequent, heartburn
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Kraft dinner
Best moments this week: hearing baby is still heart healthy
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms, massage tomorrow!!!

I had an ultrasound on Tuesday. We thought the baby was breech and she wanted to check the growth as I was measuring 34 weeks at the last appointment. The appointment was at 8am at the hospital and of course 11pm I felt the baby turn and start kicking my up high so I knew it was no longer breech!!! They also checked the heart and as far as they can tell the baby is still heart healthy. He had some trouble getting a view of the 4 chambers and when I explained that this was the most important view for us he tried harder and showed me a picture of what he thought was 4 chambers, which from experience I know was. The only issue with the ultrasound was that I was supposed to be 36 weeks 3 days and the baby was measuring 34 weeks 2 days and weighing only 4 lbs 12 oz. I spoke to the OB the next day and she said it's still within "normal" range and nothing to worry about at this point but we'll keep an eye on my stomach growth. 

I feel like I know why the baby hasn't grown as fast as my others. The anxiety. The baby was spot on the Jan. 12 due date at my 21 week ultrasound/echo so it's only been the last 16 weeks the growth has slowed which is when the anxiety really picked up. This is one of the reasons my doctors pushed me to go on meds. It was better for the baby and anxiety can cause low birth weight etc. No one wants to come out and tell me this is likely the reason, I assume in fear I'll feel guilty and I would've 4 weeks ago. This is how I know the meds are working. Honestly the way I'm looking at it is that I didn't know. If I'd known I would've started them earlier. I can't change what's already happened all I know is that now I'm doing what's best for myself and the baby. The baby is healthy other then on the smaller side and that's all that matter. It just means I may get some use out of the newborn clothes Lauren fit into for a week!

My braxton hicks have really picked up the past couple days. Occasionally they're painful and move to my back. In fact I've had 4 in the last 40 minutes. I get hopeful that this baby will come soon but then I think about how our lives will change and how this will be my past pregnancy and start to try to enjoy the movements more. I've given into that likelihood that this baby will most likely need to be induced, which by the way will be no later then January 22. Nearly 1 month until I know for certain I will no longer be pregnant and will get to hold this last piece of our family puzzle in my arms.

36 weeks

How far along? 36 weeks
Baby's size? Honeydew
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 194.6  Up  46 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, sometimes painful and more frequent
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Kraft dinner
Best moments this week: Meeting my OB
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms

I'll start off my saying that I'm feeling and doing so much better since starting the meds 2 weeks ago. I can't believe the difference it's made and I'm so glad I made the decision to go on them.
This week has been a good week. I met with the OB yesterday and am really happy with her. She's new in town so has few patients and lots of time. My appointment yesterday took 20 minutes and there was no one waiting when I came out. I do suspect I'll be her first patient to have a baby. The maternity group didn't send over my chart so we went over my history. When I mentioned I was taking zoloft she replied "good, I was prepared to have a nice long chat with you about how it's a good idea to go on it and that it wouldn't harm the baby." I never hurts hearing that again from a 4th doctor though.
I explained that I think I'm actually further along then my Jan. 12th due date since the dates don't really work out with my positive test but when she measured my stomach she was a little concerned about the possibility I may be 37 weeks since I was barely measuring 34. She said she'd order an ultrasound to make sure everything's ok and check my previous ultrasounds when the file comes in. She then felt the baby and confirmed my suspicion, the baby is breech which is a second reason for the ultrasound too. I said I'm happy having one because I know that heart issues can arise later in pregnancy and it would be nice to double check that everything is still good. She said she'd add on the request to check the heart again but that at this late stage it can be more difficult to see anything. I mentioned that the baby has occasionally turned head down in the past, mostly overnight as I will wake up to kicks to the ribs but always within a few hours of being up the baby has turned back to breech. She said this was called an unstable (something, can't remember!) and that likely we'll try to turn the baby later and then induce right away. She always talked about if I ended up needing a c section if I'd want a tubal at the same time. I said yes. Dan and I sort of disagree in this area but I don't want to risk another pregnancy so if she's already there mine as well make it permanent. Dan will also be getting a vasectomy when he finally calls.

That's pretty much it for the week. Next week I have an appointment with the mental health nurse, my OB and then friday I've booked a prenatal massage. I'm really looking forward to that last one!!

35 weeks

How far along? 35 weeks
Baby's size? Coconut
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 191.5  Up  42.9 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: 1% milk, mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Starting meds
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms

This week everything seemed to fall into place. I got an appointment date to see my new OB, my short term disability was approved and I started on the anti anxiety meds. I'll go a little into each of these.

Overall it's been a good week for anxiety. It's still there and it still has a strong hold on most things I do but I've been able to control the panic attacks through breathing. When I feel myself getting worked up I take deep breaths and concentrate on my breathing. So far this has managed to calm me down enough. I started my meds on Wednesday morning. I talked to my doctor Monday and she said she'd researched over the weekend and zoloft looked like the best and safest option for pregnancy and breastfeeding. She asked me which pharmacy I wanted it faxed to. I went to pick up the prescription around 4:30 to start taking that night with dinner only to find the doctors office never faxed it in. When I got home there was a message from the receptionist telling me I had a prescription waiting for me at the office and I could come pick it up. Of course it was 5:02 when I got home and the office stops taking calls at 5. I know I've said this before but I really hate the receptionists at her office. My doctor is awesome and I love her but it all falls short with the receptionist. Tuesday morning I called and said that I'd spoken to the doctor and it was supposed to be faxed to the pharmacy so could they please do that as I wasn't going to have a car within office hours until Thursday to come pick it up. They did and I picked up the prescription that night. I decided to take it in the mornings instead of at dinner just because I already take my iron and prenatal's at night so I thought it would be easier to space them out. I'm not one to forget to take pills so it's not a big deal taking stuff twice a day, at least not now, we'll see once the baby comes! I also had my appointment with the psychiatrist Thursday. It went well. She agreed that my doctor had chosen the best medication and suggested that if I don't notice a difference in the next 2 weeks with anxiety or sleep to up the dosage from 25mg to 50 mg and stay on that until the baby is born then adjust if needed. My doctor only did the prescription for 30 days so I'll go back and see her at the end of december and decide what to do from there.  I'm feeling better about being on this medication. If I have to be on anything it makes me feel better knowing that I'm on the safest possible and that I can breastfeed while on it.

I'm looking forward to seeing the OB this coming Thursday. It doesn't sound like she'll have my file at that point and it seems to be more of a meet and greet but that's fine. Really all they do at 35 weeks is check bp, urine, measure tummy and check the heart beat anyway so it's not that big of a deal if she doesn't have my file. I'll ask all my questions when I see her for my 36 week appointment when I assume she'll do the group b swab.

I'm so happy to finally have less stress about my short term disability claim. I still haven't received any paperwork but I called Tuesday afternoon and spoke to someone. She said my claim had been approved and that I should've received my first payment on the 29th but sometimes the first one can be delayed waiting for it to clear. Sure enough it came into my account the next morning! It's such a relief and at the moment it still covers the mortgage payments. The only issue is that my claim was only approved until December 27th. I couldn't figure this out and my boss even called to ask what was going on and if I was planning to come back to work for 2 weeks. I was going to wait for the paperwork to come in the mail and see if there was an explanation on it but I think I figured it out last night. The primary diagnosis was threatened pre term labour. The std coverage stops when I hit 38 weeks, if I go into labour it'll no longer be pre term. I now have to decide what I want to do after that point. Ideally I want to start my maternity leave on the 13th. Which is originally what I had put down but of course that all changes if I have the baby before my due date. I'll have to call them closer to the return to work date and see what I need to do to add those extra 2 weeks. Does my OB need to refill out the forms or just write a letter saying the secondary diagnosis (anxiety) is now the primary diagnosis and I will be off for the extra 2 weeks until my maternity leave starts on my due date or I may just decide to screw it and start my mat leave 2 weeks early which really cuts into the time I get with the baby. Hopefully this baby will come a little early and I won't need to worry about that!

Pregnancy wise everything is good. The baby still puts a knee and feet out my lower side so I have a suspicion it's still breech. A couple times I've waken up to the baby kicking the top part of my stomach but by the afternoon I've felt it turn back and the kicks are low down again. Maybe a c section at 39 weeks? As much I'd rather not have one I'm ok with it as long as they tie my tubes at the same time!!

34 weeks

How far along? 34 weeks
Baby's size? Butternut squash
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 191.0  Up  42.4 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Chips, 1% milk
Best moments this week: Lauren listening to the baby's heartbeat
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms

I didn't bother re reading last week's but I know I mentioned that my depression is getting better however my anxiety is getting worse and I've had a couple panic attacks. Well it's been a productive week.
Monday I had my doctor's appointment at the maternity group. I'd called last week to change the doctor I was seeing to someone else. I'm so happy I did. She really understands my anxiety and is very supportive. She filled out my short term disability paperwork in a way that it will likely get approved. She put as the diagnosis "threatened pre term labour" and a secondary diagnosis as "anxiety". We then did the doppler and Lauren got to listen to the baby. She was very excited about it.
Tuesday I had an appointment with the mental health nurse. I told her about my anxiety and she said she'd actually been wondering how I was doing as she's seen a difference the past couple weeks at our group. She decided to move up my appointment with the psychiatrist to December 9th and gave me strategies to try to cope with the anxiety in the mean time. I also had my last perinatal depression/anxiety group that afternoon
Yesterday (Thursday) I had an appointment with my family doctor. I made this appointment because I knew she was going to call soon to see how I was doing and I thought I mine as well make an appointment to let her know all that has gone on so at least she gets paid to talk to me. I expected it to be a quick visit as I was really just keeping her informed. She came in and asked if it was ok if she sent a student in to talk to me first. I said yes that's fine as I'm all for them learning and I think it's good for them to see things like this. I spoke to the student and she was really nice and thorough. She asked a bunch of questions and got me to do the depression and anxiety "test". Good news is my depression score has improved in the past 9 weeks but my anxiety has definitely increased. I scored 19 out of a possible 21 and fall into the severe anxiety range (not surprising). She then left and talked to the doctor. They both came into the room to talk to me. Basically there's a couple things she wanted to talk about. 
#1. she doesn't want to wait another week and a half to see the psychiatrist before starting meds. She was going to research which to put me on that was pregnancy safe and that I could breastfeed on. She's going to call later this evening and call in the prescription for me to start tomorrow. 
#2. She asked about my anxiety of going to the maternity group. I'd mentioned to the student that the second panic attack came after I got off the phone with them. I'd called to change my appointment to first thing Monday morning as I was not wanting to go and if it was first thing Monday I couldn't cancel it over the weekend as they were closed. She asked if it could possibly be from Hailey's pregnancy. I think this could possibly be the case but I also think it has to do with the other doctor I've been seeing most of the time who I do not like. My doctor offered to get me in with a new female OB in town. I said I was fine staying there because I liked the other doctor I'd seen Monday. Then she told me the think about it and talk to Dan. As soon as she said that I agreed to the switch. I didn't need to talk to Dan. I knew exactly what he was going to say and I've heard him say it 90% of the evenings after my appointments. "Why are you still with them?" So she's going to contact the OB and get me in to see her. 
#3. I needed to talk to my mum. They're concerned that I don't really remember the panic attacks and zone out when I have them. They worry about Lauren's safety which I completely understand. While I'd never harm her in any way when I have an attack I am not physically able to care for her. I promised to talk to my mum after my appointment and I'm sure she'll mention it tonight when she calls.

I did talk to my mum when I got home. She understands why there'd be concern for Lauren's safety and said she'd keep her cell phone on her at all times including at work so I can call if I feel the need or if I have one. It's so nice to have the support and know there's a safety in place for Lauren.
I find the anxiety so much more difficult to talk about. Everyone understands and accepts perinatal depression but it's harder to explain and understand anxiety. Even Dan doesn't understand. He tries but he just doesn't understand what anxiety really is. He asks questions about what it's like but he doesn't get it and I can't explain it. That's one of the hardest parts. He's supportive as much as he can be but it's hard to be supportive when you don't truly understand and it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't really understand what I'm talking about.

33 weeks

How far along? 33 weeks
Baby's size? Durian fruit
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 187.4  Up  39.8 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and L shirts probably going to be XL shirts soon
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Alright. The baby has now started sitting on my bladder so I'm up a few times a night.
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, lower back pain
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms

Baby wise everything's ok. Depression wise I'm also ok, I've been using the tools from the support group and most days are good. Anxiety, well that's what's become the main issue at the moment. I knew the anxiety was building, it did last time with Lauren as well but this time it's different. I'm not sure what exactly is causing the anxiety. Really I think it's a mixture of so many different things that it's hard to tell where it's truly coming from. We watched a video at the peri natal support group on Tuesday that was about couples and their relationship while and after going through post natal depression. It made me very thankful that I'm having these symptoms early and that we've been able to put things in place for the very real likelihood of post natal depression. It also made me thankful that my husband and family know what to look out for, instead of these women who go months untreated and their husbands and friends don't understand. It did however make me scared of the future. If this is what I'm feeling now I'm very scared of how I'll feel after the baby is born, especially since meds take 4-6 weeks to become effective. During the video they very briefly talked about how one woman had panic attacks. That's when I remembered that I had one last week. I don't remember much of it and that's a little scary. If I really think hard I remember laying in bed with Lauren as she fell asleep crying. Then I left her room, lay down in my bed and cried. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying. I remember thinking "I'm having a panic attack". I can't remember why though. I had another one today. I phoned the doctors office to change my appointment to a different doctor (I hate the one I've been seeing for 80% of this pregnancy) and after I got off the phone I was really shaky and was having trouble catching my breath. I quickly put a show on netflix for Lauren to watch and went to the bedroom where again I was crying uncontrollably, shaking and struggling to breathe. I zoned out. I remember just staring at the wall for who knows how long. It's all a little foggy and it's only been 6 hours. I'm sure I'll remember even less tomorrow. I've made an appointment with the mental health nurse for Tuesday morning and I'm thinking it's time for me to go on meds. It's only going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses and I'm not sure how I can control this part of it. From our initial conversation when I was accepted as a patient she mentioned that if I do need to go on meds she'd consult with the perinatal psychiatrist and bc women's to find the one that's safest for me during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Last time I went on effexor for that week my depression and anxiety got worse because I was so scared to harm the baby. I hope they can find something that'll help.

Lauren update

I haven't done one of these in a really long time. She's kept me so busy that I have a hard time keeping up with the weekly pregnancy blog and this post is very long overdue.

My sweet sweet Lauren. There's a few words that come to mind when I think of her. Easy going, laid back, spirited and stubborn. They don't really seem to go together but they seem to fit just perfectly with her. She wasn't always the easy going child. She definitely had colic the first 5 or so months of her life. Since around 10 months she's really started to come into her own. Her personality shines through and boy does she have a personality. She's shy at times yet very outgoing once she's warmed up. She talks non stop and often sings when we're in the grocery store or out in public. She has very little fear. She'll try anything at least once and most of the time if it involves injury (mild of course) she just picks herself up, says "I'm ok" and moves on. She tells it to you like it is and I often forget that she's still so little and not yet 2 and a half even. An example:
Dan's been taking her swimming once a week and she's been improving greatly. When she falls over we give her a few seconds to try to get herself to stand up (an important skill in our eyes) and 99% of the time she does this on her own now. She still doesn't like getting her head wet though so a few weeks ago she fell, went under water for probably about 5 seconds, stood up on her own and carried on playing. When we were getting changed I commented on how she was such a good girl and she didn't cry when she went under water. Her response: "I cried under the water".

She tries my patience and tests boundaries often. I know this is a normal part of toddler development but being pregnant means my patience is already slightly lower! If there's something that she wants or has her mind set on it takes a lot to distract an move away from it. She's been fighting a cold for the past couple days so the past few nights she's slept in our bed because she'll wake up multiple times throughout the night upset that she's having trouble breathing. Last night she refused to go to sleep. She kept trying to delay, she wanted to read another book, she wanted water, she had to pee. No to the book, we already know the water trick so have a cup handy on the bedside table, she's wearing a diaper so go ahead a pee. Then she brings out the big guns. The we absolutely have to get out of bed for this. "I need to poo". Are you sure? Yes. Promise? Yes. "Ok, but if you don't have to go you'll have to go back to your bed by yourself. Do you still need to go poo?" Yes. So off we go to the bathroom. She sits on the potty for 5 minutes pretending to try to go. Finally I ask her again if she needs to go poo. "No mummy". I then explain that she'll have to go to her room for 5 minutes because I asked her a few times if she needed to and she said yes. She lied to mummy. So I placed her in her bed in her room. The first to minutes she cried, calling out my name. Then she stood at the door for a minute banging it saying "mummy, let me out" the last minute or so was the worst. She moved away from the door and just kept yelling "mummy" in a really angry tone I'd never heard from her before. I went in a minute early and found her sitting on the chair at her desk. I went to go talk to her, remind her why she was in her room, give her a hug/kiss and tell her I loved her before brining her back into our bed. Lauren had other plans. She wouldn't look at me. When I came into the room she simply got off the chair, walked past me, opened the door, walked into our bedroom and got into bed. She was PISSED! She didn't want Dan to cuddle her though, she still wanted me so I decided not to talk about. We cuddled and she fell asleep within minutes. This morning I asked if she was still mad at me and she said no, that she loved me. I reminded her that no matter she does and even if I'm mad or she's in a time out I always love her.
Most of the time she's such a sweet little girl but every once in a while I catch a tiny glimpse of what our lives with her as a teenager will be like. I wouldn't change her personality for anything. She fits into our lives so well that I'm scared about this next baby. Lauren's set such high expectations and has always been ahead with milestones (incase it wasn't obvious with the earlier story, she's been potty trained since September).

31 weeks

Oops, forgot to post this last week. Well really I forgot to finish it!!!!!!!!
How far along? 31 weeks
Baby's size? Pineapple
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 181.6 up 35lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: Lots
Sleep: Pretty good at the moment. This baby doesn't sit on my bladder so I never wake up to pee, it's more waking up to readjust and get comfortable.
Symptoms: Nothing really
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Continuing with the group

32 weeks

How far along? 32 weeks
Baby's size? Squash
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 15.0 Up 36.4 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely L pants and going into XL shirts to accommodate the growing belly
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Pretty good at the moment. This baby doesn't sit on my bladder so I never wake up to pee, it's more waking up to readjust and get comfortable.
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms

Less then 2 months to go!!! I've been taken off work. My last day was Nov. 7th. I decided it was for the best because of the pains I was having. I'm not sure if they were just really painful braxton hicks but I suspect they were contractions since they'd spread around my tummy to my back and were quite painful. They'd start 45 minutes into my work day and come roughly every 10 minutes lasting for 45-60 seconds. I'd have around 6 every hour until a few hours after work when they'd start to die down. Since I've been off they've all but gone away. I'll get the occasional one when I'm stressed but otherwise just the normal braxton hicks with the painless yet uncomfortable tightening. I also started to get mild carpal tunnel. I noticed it a few months ago. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to find my left hand numb. This was odd since I was sleeping on my right side so it's not like it wasn't getting circulation. Over time it started happening randomly through the day. I'm not sure if this is normal but it's random what part of my hand goes numb. Sometimes it's just my fingertips, sometimes it's certain fingers and other times it's goes up the side of my hand to my pinky finger tip. It started happening numerous times a day and since I work with needles I thought it was best for this reason as well to go off. My doctor suggested getting a brace but is there really any point in spending that money if it should go away after pregnancy? We're going to try going off on short term disability through my work since that's 75% of my pay and if that gets denied and I can't talk them into it over the phone I'll go off my sick ei which is 55% of my pay. It sucks because while we've managed to save it would've been nice to have an extra 2 months to put some money aside. I'm not too stressed money wise at the moment. I've got 4.5 mortgage payments put aside which will last until January 17th and after that we can dip into our other savings (which I'd really rather not do). My mum has also said she's going to give us some money to put aside and use if we need. That way we don't have to ask and can pay her back when we no longer need to worry. I really appreciate this because while I would ask if we needed, it would be very hard to admit to my parents that we're struggling to pay bills and ask for help. The main issue financially with going off early is that I have to take a week unpaid from work until std kicks in and then get the forms, have the doctor fill them out and wait to see if they're approved. I expect this to take 3-4 weeks. If I'm denied I then have to go back to the doctor and get them to fill out a sick ei form, fill out that paperwork and wait anywhere up to 8 weeks to receive my first payment from the date of submission. That means we could be on one income for 3 months. With our savings in reality it's not a big deal because we'll get a portion (75-55%) back in a large chunk it's just having that money there at the time to get us by. I don't know how people who live paycheque to paycheque get by while on maternity leave and am so thankful we are able to save a little each month and have the support of our family if we need it.

This baby can stay in for another 5 weeks, then I'll start doing as much as I can to get things moving along. I would prefer not to have another 10 days past due date induction. I'd love to go into labour naturally for my final pregnancy. What a great way to end our difficult journey. I'm trying to appreciate all these little movements and moments of pregnancy while I can knowing that this will be the last time I am ever going to experience this again. 
My weight has also started creeping up these past few weeks. Honestly I'm not concerned. Again because this is my last pregnancy I'm just going with it. I managed to lose it all plus extra with Lauren and fully expect to do the same this time. I've got a plan in place to train for a mini triathlon in July and have decided to just enjoy these last few weeks with as little stress as possible on the weight issue. I'll deal with that when the time comes after the baby is born.

cramping

I ended up going to labour and delivery on Monday evening. Since Friday I'd been getting period like cramps and an increase in braxton hicks. The cramps is what was really worrying to me. They didn't go away and the braxton hicks were occasionally painful too. I kept track Monday morning and they came every 20 minutes, give or take 5 while I was at work. I put Lauren down for her nap after lunch and she didn't wake until 4. Although they weren't as frequent I was still getting the occasional cramping. After posting on a January Facebook group and having many women say that their first signs of labour were period like cramps I decided it was best to get checked out. I packed Lauren up and took her over to my mum's, called Dan to let him know what was going on and not to come to the hospital.

I hate going to the hospital. I especially hate going when I'm unsure if it's really warranted. I knew chances are that everything was fine but I needed to suck it up and make sure I wasn't going into early labour at 30 weeks. I got there at 5 and it took about 30 minutes before they hooked me up to the monitor for an hour. Of course at this point the cramps had pretty much stopped so don't think anything was picked up on the monitor. They called the doctor on call who came in to do swabs.
They did 4 tests in total. A swab to check my water hadn't broken since I've been having an increase of clear discharge (yup gross!) the past week or so, a swab to check for infection, even though she was fairly certain there wasn't any, mine as well double check while you're down there anyway! A GBS (group B strep) which is only good for 5 weeks so if I do go full term I'll still need another but incase I do go into labour before 35 weeks they did one while they were down there. The first test swab the did was a fetal fibronectin test, which is one of the most important of the 4.
Thankfully the test came back negative which gives a 99% chance I will not go into labour in the next 7 days.  I'll have to talk to the maternity doctor on Tuesday but I think I've come to realize that the pains come while I'm at work and slowly go away in frequency while resting. I'm really conflicted about if I should go off work or not. I really do feel like work is making this pregnancy harder but if I go off early I also feel like a failure for a few reasons. I worked into my 39th week with Lauren and could've continued working which is why I put my maternity leave to start on my due date. Money is a big issue too. If I go off I'll either go on employment insurance sick leave at 55% of my pay until the baby is born or go on short term disability which is 75% of my pay until the baby is born and I switch to maternity leave pay of 55%. We could survive money wise but we've managed to put some money aside the past few weeks so we'd have a buffer while waiting for maternity leave to kick in (can take 8 weeks to process) and we'd need to use this for mortgage payments. I'd like to save a little more so we don't have to struggle during the year off.  My last reason is I actually enjoy work. I enjoy going to work and getting out of the house for 5 hours a day. I worry that my peri natal depression will get worse if I'm sitting at home all day.

30 weeks

How far along? 30 weeks
Baby's size? Cucumber
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 180.0 Up 31.4 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Pretty good at the moment. This baby doesn't sit on my bladder so I never wake up to pee, it's more waking up to readjust and get comfortable.
Symptoms: Nothing really
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Continuing with the group

It's been a pretty good week. The baby had a quiet day on Wednesday and it made me nervous. I noticed around 9am that I hadn't felt any movements since waking at 6am so I had some apple juice to see if that would wake the baby up. It didn't so on my coffee break I went to get a cup of coffee and drank it slowly over the next few hours. There were a few movements but nothing at all normal or frequent. I had decided that if the baby didn't start becoming more active by 7pm I would go to the hospital to make sure everything was ok. I didn't want to poke the baby or anything like that because I was worried it would be false movements and the baby was just responding to pressure. I thought that having the drinks and having it go through the placenta to encourage movement would show that the placenta was working too but the baby really did have a lazy day and wasn't very active at all. Around 4pm it started to move more frequently, enough for me to no longer worry about going to the hospital in a few hours and around 7:30 it started kicking up a storm. The movements have gone back to normal so I'm not concerned at all.
That's pretty much it for the week. Next appointment isn't until the 12th and I've got a few questions I'm starting to prepare. This is the last 4 week stretch of appointments! After this one they move to every 2 weeks!!!! 10 weeks until due date! Can't wait until next week when we're in the single digits.

29 weeks

How far along? 29 weeks
Baby's size? Squash
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 178.8 Up 30.2 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Pretty good at the moment. This baby doesn't sit on my bladder so I never wake up to pee, it's more waking up to readjust and get comfortable.
Symptoms: Nothing really
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Nothing
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Continuing with the group

It's been an uneventful week for the most part. I'm pretty sure I've now torn that muscle in my stomach. While at work one day I stood up to take a patient to the back and as I was walking away our appointment book was about to fall down so I half turned and leaned to grab it. I felt the pull and what I can only describe as a tear and pop feeling. It was incredibly painful for a few hours and now the dull pain is a constant. Nothing I can really do about it though so I just suck it up and move on with my day. Some days are better then others. Although it constantly hurts the more I move and do things the more it hurts by the evening. Tuesday it hurt so much I had to get Dan to tie my shoes. I must've tried 5 times bending over, sitting down, every possible position to tie them but it hurt way too much. Most of the time the pain is manageable but I do still worry how I'm going to be able to push a baby out. My hospital doesn't do epidurals very often which I was happy about with Lauren but this time it'll be interesting because I have a feeling it'll be needed the closer I get to my due date.

Weight wise I'm feeling ok with it. I don't think I'll gain as much as last time and if I do it'll be in different areas. I still fit into my medium pants but I've switched to a large just because it's more comfortable belly wise. When I switched with Lauren it was because my thighs were getting too big, although I did start this pregnancy 12 lbs lighter. I also notice my face and arms aren't as "fatty" as they were with Lauren. I'm carrying this pregnancy very different to Lauren and Hailey so I feel like the weight is mainly belly. We shall see though.

Emotionally I'm doing ok. Still going to the group and I have nothing but positive comments to say about it. I just wish it were as easy as it has been for me to find the appropriate help and I recognize how lucky I am to have all these avenues open at no out of pocket cost.

28 weeks

How far along? 28 weeks
Baby's size? Eggplant 
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 178.6 (I'm pretty sure that scale can't be right or I've gained nearly 6lbs in a week!)
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Getting better. I still wake up a few times throughout the night but it takes me less time to fall back asleep.
Symptoms: Nothing really
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Nothing
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Continuing with the group

I had my doctor's appointment Tuesday at the maternity clinic. She confirmed the pain in my uppper left stomach was muscular and there's nothing we can do about it. It was a pretty uneventful appointment. The only issue is that I'm measuring 26 weeks. Not a big deal if I was supposed to be 27 weeks at the time. I'm trying not to focus on this but it doesn't leave me feeling very good. Although I've given in to the whole due date thing and am going with what the doctors tell me it still plays on my mind. It is 100% impossible to get a positive pregnancy test 2 days after I ovulate. I worry that something's wrong with the baby and that's why the dates are off but I'm trying not to focus on this. I told Dan that I'm just going to give in and assume that I'm some wierd freak of nature. Maybe I had a super rare superfetation (I ovulated a second time after already being pregnant but lost the first baby) that's the only thing I can think of at this point. I'm trying really hard not to google what measuring 2 weeks behind your due date means. Hopefully it's just because this baby is sitting REALLY low so it's not stretching out my uterus as much as "normal".

The perinatal depression group is going well. I'm doing well, besides getting a cold. Ugh I hate colds while pregnant. Currently drinking hot water, lemon and honey. 

27 weeks

How far along? 27 weeks
Baby's size? Cantaloupe 
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 172.8 Up 24.2 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Getting better. I still wake up a few times throughout the night but it takes me less time to fall back asleep.
Symptoms: Nothing really
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Nothing
Best moments this week: First week of the group (more on that soon)
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Continuing with the group

It's been a while since I've updated. Everything is going well except I've been exhausted lately. Dan has decided to do ski patrol this year and is currently going through his first aid training. It's done over 6 weeks, full days so that means at the moment I'm on week 4 of not sleeping past 6 am since Lauren wakes up when he gets up. I try to have a little nap with her when she sleeps and tend to sleep for about 30 minutes before getting up and enjoying some quiet time to myself. Lately that hasn't really been happening much as that "quiet" time has been spent cleaning and doing housework. There's an end in sight and as long as he passes the first aid he'll only be gone one day every other weekend.

I had my doctors appointment (GP, not maternity) last Thursday and she was happy with the progress and the things I've put in place to keep myself off anti depressants for the time being. I've been working on the therapy and this week started a group therapy for perinatal depression. It's an 8 week course that gives you skills on coping with depression in a group setting to share your experiences and know you're not alone. I'm the only one in the group currently pregnant but that's ok with me.  It wasn't until I arrived that I realized one of the 2 nurses doing the group is the same woman who ran the perinatal loss group. It was great to catch up with her. 

Just from this first week I've learned so much and have been feeling better that my symptoms are "normal" and I'll get through them. I've been trying to figure out why the depression started this pregnancy. Really I think it's more anxiety that causing depression and I think it may have to do with the miscarriage. Traumatic experiences can trigger depression and anxiety. We all know I've had a few of those these past few years with Hailey and my other 5 pregnancies. If I really think back it all started around the time I had the hemorrhage at 10 weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if that triggered the memories and feeling from my last miscarriage which to me was very traumatic. I think back and I had gone to the hospital worrying about my health already excepting that I've lost the baby. Now here I am in that same pregnancy still dealing with the after effects of that day which would be the large clot. I've still so many unanswered questions and concerns but I don't think anyone can really answer those. It's just a wait and see and I'm not good at dealing with the unknown. I've also put in place that there will be help for the first few months with the baby. Dan will only be taking a week off when s/he comes. Then my mum will take the time off until his parents arrive in February. My doctor and I left it that I'd come see her again if I felt the need (she wanted to see me more often but I said that I felt like I'd know when and if I needed to see her again, plus I'm being seen by the mental health nurse). I also have to make an appointment 2/3 weeks post birth to see how I'm doing mental health wise. She did warn me that she'd be on holidays all of January but I love the replacement doctor so I'm totally ok seeing her instead.

I have an appointment with the maternity clinic Tuesday. I really want to mention the pain in my left side. I've had this pain for quite a while and haven't mentioned it yet. I stopped walking to work months ago because it became too painful to walk home and now I've started being in pain a few hours into my 5 hour shift. I'm not looking to go off work any time soon, I just want to know what it is, if there's anything I can do to reduce the pain and make note so when I do feel it's too much they're willing to take me off work. It makes me a little sad. I have my maternity leave set up as my due date and really thought I'd be able to keep working until then but those days that I work, if I don't rest and do very little in the afternoon I'm hurting so much at night that I just want to cry. I couldn't even scoop ice cream the other night it hurt that much. It's always in the same spot and I really think it's muscular so I doubt there's anything that can be done unfortunately. It also has me concerned about the labour. How am I going to push a baby out if I'm in this much pain? I have a feeling I'll be getting an epidural or begging for a c section which I would prefer not to have.

I'll try hard to keep updating more frequently. I was doing well for so long but these past few weeks have been really busy. Can't believe i'm nearly in the last trimester of my LAST pregnancy!!!!!!!

24 weeks

How far along? 24 weeks
Baby's size? Cantaloupe 
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 169.0 Up 20.4 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: Getting better. I still wake up a few times throughout the night but it takes me less time to fall back asleep.
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE. I've switched to my nursing bra's already
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Talking with my GP
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Starting the "homework" for my GP

Since the doctors don't want to change my due date I'm just going to stick with what they say and my official due date is January 12th which means I turn 24 weeks on Sunday. Althought I've gained weight this week I'm a little surprised since my pants are so much looser then the were even last week. My belly has definitely grown this week and Dan actually pointed out how big it's gotten lately last night. I think I am still loosing weight in other areas like my legs and thighs etc. but putting it on where it counts, the stomach.

After my last post on Tuesday I called my GP's office Tuesday morning and saw her Wednesday afternoon. I actually saw her student first and explained that I was put on anti depressants by the maternity group last week and when I tried to talk to them about how I was feeling after reading the warning sheet given with the prescription, especially about not being able to breastfeed I was completely blown off and told not to worry about it. She asked what I was put on (Effexor), why I was put on them (feeling down, not sleeping and hardly eating) and what my concerns with the specific medication was ( the affect on the baby and breastfeeding). She then said we could definitely switch to something safer in pregnancy, her suggestion was prozac but she was going to speak with my doctor and double check it was safe for breastfeeding. She went across the hall and I heard them talking and looking through books for 10-15 minutes before she came back in and said they'd be able to switch me to another medication but want me to fill out an evaluation of how I'm feeling first. After filling it out they said I was moderately depressed and pretty much on the borderline of wether to treat with anti depressants or try alternative therapies. They gave me the option and I asked to try the therapy first. She told since I was on the lowest dose of effexor (37.5mg) to take them every second day for a week to wean myself off and not have as many withdrawal symptoms. She then gave me 2 websites that I have to go, print off worksheets, fill them out and take them back to my next appointment in 2 weeks. These sheets are supposed to help me train myself to get out of my depression when I feel it coming or am having a bad day. I've been so busy with my grandmother visiting that I haven't had the chance to go to the websites yet but here they are:

get.gg and moodgym.anu.edu.ca

She also encouraged me to go to the perinatal depression group as they would likely be giving strategies on how to cope too. She will be sending a letter to the maternity group letting them know that I will be seeing her throughout my pregnancy and she will be dealing with all aspects of my mental health but leaving the pregnancy to them. Of course eventhough my appointment is in 2 weeks I'm to come back immediately if I feel I'm not coping going off them and we will start another safer prescription. 

All and all I'm really happy with this and so thankful I came to see her. I've been wondering if my depression really was bad enough to treat with anti depressants as some days I feel fine yet others I am very down. I try to stay away from drugs as much as possible and would much rather at least give this a try first before resorting to them. I'm fully aware I may need to go on them now or at a later date but at least I know I did all I could to avoid it.