34 weeks

How far along? 34 weeks
Baby's size? Butternut squash
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 191.0  Up  42.4 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Chips, 1% milk
Best moments this week: Lauren listening to the baby's heartbeat
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms

I didn't bother re reading last week's but I know I mentioned that my depression is getting better however my anxiety is getting worse and I've had a couple panic attacks. Well it's been a productive week.
Monday I had my doctor's appointment at the maternity group. I'd called last week to change the doctor I was seeing to someone else. I'm so happy I did. She really understands my anxiety and is very supportive. She filled out my short term disability paperwork in a way that it will likely get approved. She put as the diagnosis "threatened pre term labour" and a secondary diagnosis as "anxiety". We then did the doppler and Lauren got to listen to the baby. She was very excited about it.
Tuesday I had an appointment with the mental health nurse. I told her about my anxiety and she said she'd actually been wondering how I was doing as she's seen a difference the past couple weeks at our group. She decided to move up my appointment with the psychiatrist to December 9th and gave me strategies to try to cope with the anxiety in the mean time. I also had my last perinatal depression/anxiety group that afternoon
Yesterday (Thursday) I had an appointment with my family doctor. I made this appointment because I knew she was going to call soon to see how I was doing and I thought I mine as well make an appointment to let her know all that has gone on so at least she gets paid to talk to me. I expected it to be a quick visit as I was really just keeping her informed. She came in and asked if it was ok if she sent a student in to talk to me first. I said yes that's fine as I'm all for them learning and I think it's good for them to see things like this. I spoke to the student and she was really nice and thorough. She asked a bunch of questions and got me to do the depression and anxiety "test". Good news is my depression score has improved in the past 9 weeks but my anxiety has definitely increased. I scored 19 out of a possible 21 and fall into the severe anxiety range (not surprising). She then left and talked to the doctor. They both came into the room to talk to me. Basically there's a couple things she wanted to talk about. 
#1. she doesn't want to wait another week and a half to see the psychiatrist before starting meds. She was going to research which to put me on that was pregnancy safe and that I could breastfeed on. She's going to call later this evening and call in the prescription for me to start tomorrow. 
#2. She asked about my anxiety of going to the maternity group. I'd mentioned to the student that the second panic attack came after I got off the phone with them. I'd called to change my appointment to first thing Monday morning as I was not wanting to go and if it was first thing Monday I couldn't cancel it over the weekend as they were closed. She asked if it could possibly be from Hailey's pregnancy. I think this could possibly be the case but I also think it has to do with the other doctor I've been seeing most of the time who I do not like. My doctor offered to get me in with a new female OB in town. I said I was fine staying there because I liked the other doctor I'd seen Monday. Then she told me the think about it and talk to Dan. As soon as she said that I agreed to the switch. I didn't need to talk to Dan. I knew exactly what he was going to say and I've heard him say it 90% of the evenings after my appointments. "Why are you still with them?" So she's going to contact the OB and get me in to see her. 
#3. I needed to talk to my mum. They're concerned that I don't really remember the panic attacks and zone out when I have them. They worry about Lauren's safety which I completely understand. While I'd never harm her in any way when I have an attack I am not physically able to care for her. I promised to talk to my mum after my appointment and I'm sure she'll mention it tonight when she calls.

I did talk to my mum when I got home. She understands why there'd be concern for Lauren's safety and said she'd keep her cell phone on her at all times including at work so I can call if I feel the need or if I have one. It's so nice to have the support and know there's a safety in place for Lauren.
I find the anxiety so much more difficult to talk about. Everyone understands and accepts perinatal depression but it's harder to explain and understand anxiety. Even Dan doesn't understand. He tries but he just doesn't understand what anxiety really is. He asks questions about what it's like but he doesn't get it and I can't explain it. That's one of the hardest parts. He's supportive as much as he can be but it's hard to be supportive when you don't truly understand and it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't really understand what I'm talking about.