33 weeks

How far along? 33 weeks
Baby's size? Durian fruit
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 187.4  Up  39.8 lbs 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and L shirts probably going to be XL shirts soon
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Alright. The baby has now started sitting on my bladder so I'm up a few times a night.
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, lower back pain
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms

Baby wise everything's ok. Depression wise I'm also ok, I've been using the tools from the support group and most days are good. Anxiety, well that's what's become the main issue at the moment. I knew the anxiety was building, it did last time with Lauren as well but this time it's different. I'm not sure what exactly is causing the anxiety. Really I think it's a mixture of so many different things that it's hard to tell where it's truly coming from. We watched a video at the peri natal support group on Tuesday that was about couples and their relationship while and after going through post natal depression. It made me very thankful that I'm having these symptoms early and that we've been able to put things in place for the very real likelihood of post natal depression. It also made me thankful that my husband and family know what to look out for, instead of these women who go months untreated and their husbands and friends don't understand. It did however make me scared of the future. If this is what I'm feeling now I'm very scared of how I'll feel after the baby is born, especially since meds take 4-6 weeks to become effective. During the video they very briefly talked about how one woman had panic attacks. That's when I remembered that I had one last week. I don't remember much of it and that's a little scary. If I really think hard I remember laying in bed with Lauren as she fell asleep crying. Then I left her room, lay down in my bed and cried. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying. I remember thinking "I'm having a panic attack". I can't remember why though. I had another one today. I phoned the doctors office to change my appointment to a different doctor (I hate the one I've been seeing for 80% of this pregnancy) and after I got off the phone I was really shaky and was having trouble catching my breath. I quickly put a show on netflix for Lauren to watch and went to the bedroom where again I was crying uncontrollably, shaking and struggling to breathe. I zoned out. I remember just staring at the wall for who knows how long. It's all a little foggy and it's only been 6 hours. I'm sure I'll remember even less tomorrow. I've made an appointment with the mental health nurse for Tuesday morning and I'm thinking it's time for me to go on meds. It's only going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses and I'm not sure how I can control this part of it. From our initial conversation when I was accepted as a patient she mentioned that if I do need to go on meds she'd consult with the perinatal psychiatrist and bc women's to find the one that's safest for me during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Last time I went on effexor for that week my depression and anxiety got worse because I was so scared to harm the baby. I hope they can find something that'll help.