Feelings and dr visit

Sorry if there's spelling mistakes I've started switching over to the ipad and am just getting used to it.

The miscarriage is finally starting to sink in. I think I went into survival mode while we were away and now that we're back to our normal lives it's become real. The past 2 days all I've been thinking about is how I should be telling everyone that I'm 14 weeks pregnant. Instead I'm calling my midwife group to let them know I won't be back, going to my doctor to make sure the pregnancy is gone and filling out insurance paperwork.

The last miscarriage was so much easier. I knew the pregnancy hadn't progressed to the point of a fetal heartbeat. This time I saw the heart beating away, I saw the baby after I miscarried where last time it was just clots. I'm a little unsure how to grieve this time because part of me feels guilty that I'm not really acknowledging this baby. I guess I'm feeling like at what point does "it" count? I grieved for Hailey but I felt her moving. I guess it's harder then last time because after hitting the 12 weeks, eventhough I had some spotting and bleeding I felt like I'd hit that mark, the mark where things had a chance of working out. I was so happy at the thought of never having to go through another 2 week wait or 12 week wait, yet here I am 2 weeks later knowing I'll have to go through both of those at least 1 more time.

I went to my doctor today and I'm now officially in the recurrent miscarriage category. This was my 5th pregnancy with only one being successful. She asked me if I wanted to be referred to the clinic in Vancouver but I said I wanted to wait and try again 1 more time first. If the next pregnancy ends without a healthy child then I'll be referred. She also asked if I was still taking my synthroid. I said no so she ordered a tsh with my next hcg to do Friday and if it's over 2.5 I'm supposed to go back on it. She didn't mention the waiting period to try again but we've been over it 2 times already so probably feels it's unnecessary. I'll update again on Friday after doing my bloodwork.