Emotions

My doctor called last night. Since I hadn't heard from her I made an appointment to see her this afternoon. She wanted to send me for another hcg and we wouldn't have the results in time so the appointment's been moved to Thursday. As of yesterday I was still spotting but so far nothing today. Had the test this morning but won't know the results until late this afternoon or evening as it not get to the testing lab until 2 pm. I'm no expecting it to be negative but both I and my gp really need to see it is so when I do get another bfp there's no doubt it's a new pregnancy.

I've been a little depressed lately. This miscarriage has been so much harder emotionally then my la and its really taken me by surprise. I just keep thinking about how I saw that little heart beating away and then seeing the ultrasound screen in Australia where he's just floating there motionless. I'm not sure what our ttc plans are at the moment. We aren't using any prevention but I'm honestly not sure I'm ready to start the whole process again. First it's the 2 week wait, then the 8 week wait after your bfp then for us the wait for the 20 week echo which just moves us onto the stress of hoping everything goes well with the rest of the pregnancy. It just feels like the worrying I never going to end. That's part of the reason we may just move forward and start ttc after my period arrives. I just want to be done with pregnancy. Of course I desperately want another child but I honestly don't really think I'm emotionally ready. I want to be done with the stresses involved in both ttc and pregnancy and I know it's not going to matter if we wait months or years the stress is always going to be there after all we've been through. After multiple losses are you ever really truly ready emotionally?

My weight has been another stress of mine. I'm an emotional eater which is a vicious cycle at the moment. I'm depressed so I eat then I feel guilty and more depressed when I see my weight and the cycle starts again. I'm now at 152 lbs, which is pretty much what I was when we conceived hailey but after starting this last pregnancy at 138  4 months ago that weight gains a little hard to take. I don't want to diet hardcore because I don't want to risk being pregnant and causing harm so I'm going to TRY to relax and if I feel the need to snack choose healthy options like fruits and veggies.

It just sucks because I should be 16 weeks.