And it continues

The bleeding didn't stop after Tuesday. I went to work Wednesday and half way through my shift at 9am I noticed that I was getting tightness that comes and goes. I wasn't in pain but I could definitely feel my uterus tightening. I managed through the rest of my shift and my boss happened to show up at 11:30 so I let her know what was going on and that I may or may not be at work the next day. I wanted to let her know then because I didn't want her to think that I was calling in the day before a 4 day long weekend since that's not like me at all. I was worried that I'd need a D&C or ultrasound right away and if I did call in sick I didn't want her to worry if I didn't call her in the morning like I'm supposed to. She told me not to worry and if I did call in sick she wouldn't expect a call from me.

The tightness came and went the rest of the day but didn't get intensely painful more just annoying. At 5:30 I went to the washroom just after Dan got home and when I wiped there was something on the toilet paper. I knew it wasn't a blood clot and it looked like it was tissue. I knew this wasn't normal so was going to go to a walk in, take the sample and ask them if it looked like something left over from the pregnancy or if it was normal (pretty much knew it wasn't but I was in a little bit of shock.) Thankfully I had lots of unused culture container from when we tried to get a urine sample from Lauren last week so I placed the tissue in the container. We went to drop Lauren off at my mum's and she suggested we go to the hospital instead as the clinic was unlikely to be helpful. So off we went to the hospital. We arrived at 6:15 and they came to take my blood at 7. At this point I'd yet to see the doctor but apparently now their standard protocol is to do blood tests based on the symptoms to hopefully speed up the process. The doctor came in at 9:15 and having not yet spoken to me said that my HCG was 0 so the miscarriage was considered over. I pointed to the sample container sitting on the counter and told him that I'd passed that a few hours ago. He said "Oh" then said that I must've had left over tissue and he'd send it off for testing and request an ultrasound for the next day to confirm there was nothing left and that we were free to go.

This is the frustrating part about what's going on with me. I know that NORMALLY if your HCG has dropped it means the miscarriage is complete and that there's no left over tissue but my HCG was 7 on the 19th yet I managed to pass tissue a week and a half later. I've had this feeling for a few weeks now that something wasn't right. Nearly 5 weeks after a miscarriage you shouldn't still be bleeding. I don't care that my HCG's are normal, something is wrong. On the positive side because I passed the tissue there's a chance we can get genetic testing done off of it. I'm not holding out too much hope since that tissue has been hanging out in my body for nearly 5 weeks post miscarriage but you never know.

I had the ultrasound done Thursday and they basically told me that he couldn't really see anything and some doctors will just do a D&C to clear anything that could potentially be there that's unseen while others will wait it out and do another in a week or 2 if the bleeding continues.

I'm in limbo right now. The bleeding has gotten heavier and the cramping is worse. No more contractions just intense cramps that make me have to take Panadeine Forte to alleviate the pain for a few hours. I've promised myself to only take 1 or 2 a day as I hate taking drugs so most of the day I'm in pain with a few hours of relief when I can't stand it any longer. I couldn't get in to see my GP until the 9th but I'm hoping to get in sooner. At this point I think I may need to see an OBGYN. As much as I hate the thought of a D&C I'm also leaning toward this option. Something isn't right and hopefully like the ultrasound tech said it'll clear it all out and we can start fresh. Will have to just wait and see since it's a long weekend.

Going for an ultrasound

Yup, unfortunately I'm still blogging about the miscarriage. I saw the doctor on Thursday and although I didn't really need the appointment as I knew my hcg results were 7 and considered negative I kept it and we talked about what the plan would be when I do get pregnant again. I've decided to go back to the maternity group I was with when I was pregnant with Hailey. They have an ultrasound machine right there and will be able to put my worries at rest each appointment. I'll also go see my doctor right away to get my ferritin and tsh checked to decide if I need to go back on synthroid and up the iron I'm already on. I told her I'd finally stopped bleeding that Tuesday (19th) and she told me that's good but to come back and see her if it starts up again. Dan and I had recently decided that with the extra long bleeding and potential for complications we were going to use condoms this month. I was fearful of something going wrong and having an ultrasound only to have them unsure if it's leftovers from the miscarriage or a new pregnancy. I'm glad we did because yesterday I started bleeding again. It started really light at 5:30am and peaked at 9:30am. It was never really that much but I had this dull pain from 8-10 so decided to make a doctors appointment for this afternoon. I had no bleeding today and since my appointment was at 4:50 I went to the washroom just before I left at 4:40 and there was nothing. I told the doctor about the bleeding and how I hadn't had any today. She said the only thing left to do was an ultrasound to make sure and asked if she could do a pelvic exam. I've never been shy with doctors so I dropped my pants and when I did noticed that I had a little bit of blood on the panty liner I'd put on. I showed her and said that I guess I'd started again. She did the exam and yes I definitely started bleeding again. She told me she wanted me to have an ultrasound done this week and that they'd call me to let me know when. It is however a good sign that during the exam I wasn't tender. Hopefully it's just my hormones acting funny and trying to regulate themselves.

I just want this to be over. I hate not knowing what my body's doing. I want my normal cycle back so we can finally start ttcing. Patience is something I've really been working on this past month. I have been much more relaxed though since we decided this would not be our month.

Depression?

Hcg levels were 7 yesterday. Anything under a 10 is considered negative so I can say with 100% certainty I am no longer pregnant and can try to move forward.

I know I've said this before but I'm really struggling with this miscarriage. Not sure if its the timing with Hailey's anniversary coming up or that I saw the heartbeat so the pregnancy seemed more real to me. Dan asked me last night how long I'd been feeling depressed. I never told him how I've been feeling but apparently it's becoming obvious to those around me. I've only come to realize it's more then just feeling sad and disappointed a couple days ago. I was contemplating going on anti depressants but the problem is that there's some research that suggests it increases risks of heart defects. We're already in a higher then normal risk category so there is no way I'll even consider it. I can't tell my gp how I'm feeling as I know she'll put me on the meds and we'll have to put ttcing on hold. I was actually on anti depressants but using them as anti anxiety meds up until we started trying for Hailey. I stopped taking them the day I stopped taking birth control as per my doctors advice. I've always wondered if this contributed to the defect. We got pregnant so quickly with her I worry it didn't have time to fully leave my body.

I just keep reminding myself that I won't always feel this way. It'll get better and in a year I'll look back and be in a happier place. Just have to get through the next few months.

Emotions

My doctor called last night. Since I hadn't heard from her I made an appointment to see her this afternoon. She wanted to send me for another hcg and we wouldn't have the results in time so the appointment's been moved to Thursday. As of yesterday I was still spotting but so far nothing today. Had the test this morning but won't know the results until late this afternoon or evening as it not get to the testing lab until 2 pm. I'm no expecting it to be negative but both I and my gp really need to see it is so when I do get another bfp there's no doubt it's a new pregnancy.

I've been a little depressed lately. This miscarriage has been so much harder emotionally then my la and its really taken me by surprise. I just keep thinking about how I saw that little heart beating away and then seeing the ultrasound screen in Australia where he's just floating there motionless. I'm not sure what our ttc plans are at the moment. We aren't using any prevention but I'm honestly not sure I'm ready to start the whole process again. First it's the 2 week wait, then the 8 week wait after your bfp then for us the wait for the 20 week echo which just moves us onto the stress of hoping everything goes well with the rest of the pregnancy. It just feels like the worrying I never going to end. That's part of the reason we may just move forward and start ttc after my period arrives. I just want to be done with pregnancy. Of course I desperately want another child but I honestly don't really think I'm emotionally ready. I want to be done with the stresses involved in both ttc and pregnancy and I know it's not going to matter if we wait months or years the stress is always going to be there after all we've been through. After multiple losses are you ever really truly ready emotionally?

My weight has been another stress of mine. I'm an emotional eater which is a vicious cycle at the moment. I'm depressed so I eat then I feel guilty and more depressed when I see my weight and the cycle starts again. I'm now at 152 lbs, which is pretty much what I was when we conceived hailey but after starting this last pregnancy at 138  4 months ago that weight gains a little hard to take. I don't want to diet hardcore because I don't want to risk being pregnant and causing harm so I'm going to TRY to relax and if I feel the need to snack choose healthy options like fruits and veggies.

It just sucks because I should be 16 weeks.

Negative......finally!!

I took a htp today and I'm happy to say that the test was negative (well almost).  There's still a very faint line but you really have to look closely to try to make it out which I'm counting as a negative test.

I'm a little frustrated with my doctors office. I called Wednesday asking why she called monday night but she didn't leave anything in my file so they said they'd let her know I called and that she can leave a message if I'm not home but when she didn't call Thursday night either so I called back Friday morning to see if they forgot to let her know and the receptionist just said that yes it was written down but she'd let her know I called again. Since she didn't call Friday night I'm at a loss as to what to do. Here's what I'm thinking:

Now that I've gotten a negative pregnancy test I don't need the hcg levels as next time I do get a positive it will obviously mean a new pregnancy. Since my ferritin was a little low I'm just going to go ahead and take an iron supplement and as for the tsh well I'll just stay off the synthroid until I do get pregnant then go for another test (at the same time I ask to do another ferritin test).

It's just really frustrating. Why call if its not important enough to return my phone calls since there was no message left?  I don't want to make an appointment just to ask these questions because she often runs 30mins-1 hour behind and I don't want to waste my time. So this is my plan and if it's not the right way to do it hopefully it'll still work out.

Hoping to expect my period anytime within the next 3-6 weeks so we can start trying to conceive again!!

I love my job but.....

Sometimes it really sucks working in the lab. Ever since I came back from holidays we've been getting a lot of prenatal bloodwork and genetic testing. I'm surprised at how much it makes me sad seeing people around the same due date I had.

I'm still waiting for my hcg to drop. It must be very low by now but it still shows a faint line with a hpt. I tested again this afternoon and was hoping nothing would show up but I guess I do still have some hcg in my system. I'm getting so frustrated. I just want this "pregnancy" to be over so we can move on. Also my doctor called Monday but I wasn't home and she didn't leave a message. I thought she'd call again Tuesday but she didn't so I called the office Wednesday. The receptionist looked in my file but wasn't sure why she'd called me and wasn't in that day.I told her if she could just let her know I called back and that it's ok for her to leave a message if I'm not home. I was expecting her to call tonight but she didn't so i guess I'll try calling again tomorrow.

Lauren's almost over her cold but is now on antibiotics. Ever since we've been home her stools have been very runny and she goes a lot more often then normal. I'm a little reluctant to call it diarrhea but it's on the verge. The past 3 weeks every once in a while she'd grab herself and say ouch so I suspected she might have a bladder infection but when were in Australia I tested her urine and the only thing that showed up was +3 for leukocytes which she's had before and my doctor didn't think it was a bladder infection. Anyway because of the loose stools often she's developed a bit of a diaper rash. The past few days when she pees she cries out in pain so took her to a clinic yesterday. He gave me a prescription for cream and  wanted me to come back today with a urine sample of Lauren's. We also did a stool culture and o&p due to travel but are expecting it to come back fine. Lauren refused to pee this morning and my mum had her diaper off from 8-12 but she'd pee a little, say ouch then stop. She was obviously stopping herself from peeing because it hurt. Finally when I came home she did pee on the potty but she started crying and was obviously in a lot of pain. I took the urine in and it was still +3 for leukocytes, +1 for blood and +2 for something else that I can't remember so she's now on antibiotics to hopefully help. I hate giving her antibiotics because the 8 hour interval never really works out well. At the moment the best I could come out with was 2pm, 10pm ( more like 9:30 right before bed that's been pushed back) and 5 am (likely 7 instead or sooner depending on when she wakes).

Bloodwork

Well none of my bloodwork went as expected yesterday. They tested my ferritin, tsh and hcg. Here's the breakdown:

Ferritin: 13 anything under 15 means anemia so it's not too bad but still low and may need to go on iron tablets.
Tsh: 1.44 were expecting it to be higher then 2.5 because I'd been off the synthroid for 2 weeks and it was 1.34 at the end of january when I was on the meds. At the moment I'm still not taking them.
Now for the most disappointing
Hcg: 34 it only dropped 30 in 4 days which means I'm still technically in the pregnant category. We were expecting a negative at this point.

I haven't spoken to my doctor yet but I do know that I'll need at least one more hcg as ill have to keep going until its under 10 which is when it's considered a negative pregnancy test. I'm ready to move on and forward in our ttc journey.

Feelings and dr visit

Sorry if there's spelling mistakes I've started switching over to the ipad and am just getting used to it.

The miscarriage is finally starting to sink in. I think I went into survival mode while we were away and now that we're back to our normal lives it's become real. The past 2 days all I've been thinking about is how I should be telling everyone that I'm 14 weeks pregnant. Instead I'm calling my midwife group to let them know I won't be back, going to my doctor to make sure the pregnancy is gone and filling out insurance paperwork.

The last miscarriage was so much easier. I knew the pregnancy hadn't progressed to the point of a fetal heartbeat. This time I saw the heart beating away, I saw the baby after I miscarried where last time it was just clots. I'm a little unsure how to grieve this time because part of me feels guilty that I'm not really acknowledging this baby. I guess I'm feeling like at what point does "it" count? I grieved for Hailey but I felt her moving. I guess it's harder then last time because after hitting the 12 weeks, eventhough I had some spotting and bleeding I felt like I'd hit that mark, the mark where things had a chance of working out. I was so happy at the thought of never having to go through another 2 week wait or 12 week wait, yet here I am 2 weeks later knowing I'll have to go through both of those at least 1 more time.

I went to my doctor today and I'm now officially in the recurrent miscarriage category. This was my 5th pregnancy with only one being successful. She asked me if I wanted to be referred to the clinic in Vancouver but I said I wanted to wait and try again 1 more time first. If the next pregnancy ends without a healthy child then I'll be referred. She also asked if I was still taking my synthroid. I said no so she ordered a tsh with my next hcg to do Friday and if it's over 2.5 I'm supposed to go back on it. She didn't mention the waiting period to try again but we've been over it 2 times already so probably feels it's unnecessary. I'll update again on Friday after doing my bloodwork.

Home and HCG level

We arrived home yesterday morning after a long 14 hour flight. Lauren had a fever from Saturday night so we picked up some tylenol at the Sydney airport. I was so worried about the flight as it was a daytime flight and she wouldn't sleep much but maybe her being sick was a blessing as she slept quite a bit and then just sat on us watching movies most of the time she was awake. If she wasn't sick she definitely wouldn't be like that!!!

After we got home I went to a walk in clinic and asked for an HCG blood test so my doctor would have the results for my Wednesday appointment. Today I went for the test and the results were 64. This is fantastic as I'm pretty sure it'll mean I won't need a D&C and since my levels were in the 1000's just 1 week ago it'll hopefully mean I'll be officially no longer pregnant (anything under 10 is a negative pregnancy test result) by the end of the week. I find it ironic how just 2 months ago I was obsessed with my HCG levels and hoping they'd double ever 48 ish hours and now here I am hoping they fall quickly.

We haven't really talked about when we'll try again. At the moment we're waiting to make sure I don't need a D&C before moving forward. We haven't had sex (poor Dan) since I had some spotting the night I turned 12 weeks as I was fearful it was my cervix causing issues and didn't want to chance anything happening until I'd spoken to a doctor. Then after we found out there was no longer a heartbeat we didn't want to chance an infection until we know that I won't need a D&C. I'll be able to confirm this on Wednesday. After Hailey and my earlier miscarriage I read a lot about when is safe to try again. A lot say the reason for the 3 month wait is more for emotional than physical reasons. Last time I miscarried on August 15th and my LMP with Lauren was October 15th so obviously we didn't wait the 3 months and went on to have our only healthy pregnancy. At this point I'm thinking we'll not prevent for the first 2 months then start trying again afterwards but I've no idea how Dan feels about this plan.