Frustrated with my husband

This post is purely for me to let off my frustrations. I know I'm going to sound ungrateful for all he does and all we have but I'm just so frustrated with him at the moment.

Last year my husband applied to join the national police force. He made it very far through the process and was 1 step away from going to depot (training). However with it being so competitive they wanted him to work on some sort of post secondary education and volunteer work. So far he's done neither. He can reapply in another year and he says he wants to but you can tell he just has no motivation. It's really starting to frustrate me. When he was going through the process I could start to see how him getting in would change our lives. Sure I'd have to spend 6 months away from him while he was training and he could be posted anywhere in Canada but I was ok with this because of all the benefits involved. At the moment there's no way we could afford anything less then both of us working full time with a child. I know most families do this and I will too if needed but I just don't like the idea of my child spending 8 hours a day with someone else, especially when they are too young to talk and let me know if something is going on. This is my big fear around leaving my child in the care of someone I don't know. Us both having to work full time was a huge stress when we found out about Hailey's HLHS. With Dan getting that job it would've meant I could work part time and not have the child in daycare so much. Also Dan wants our kids close together, but with daycare for one being $35/day there's no way we could afford having two in at the same time. My feelings are we wait until the first is 4 when we have the second so that last year the first is at home while I'm off on mat leave and when I go back they should be in all day kindergarden and we only need daycare for the youngest. We will have to do my plan if Dan doesn't get a better paying job.

Here's where I get really frustrated. Dan has yet to do anything to work toward what he needs to do to better his chances. I've found a few criminology courses about policing that I think would be very beneficial and he has yet to sign up and has now missed the January start. My aunt works at the university and is going to check the times and day of the ones that start in May, but if Dan doesn't get motivated he'll miss that one too. I've also looked into a few charities for him volunteer with. There's a children's charity that we were told about when talking with the social worker at the hospital and I was thinking that would be a great place to start, with charities that would've helped us so in turn we can play a part in helping families going through similar things. There's an event in February I told him about today and he's not interested. It's on a weekend and a 45 minute drive away which he feels is too far.... I've also mentioned a few other options all of which he isn't interested in. He's also supposed to start working out or exercising more to get a better time in the physical test. Last time he did it he was within the time but could've done a lot better. He looks like he's in good shape but really lacks endurance. When we went hiking after I started running he had a hard time keeping up with me. He knows they look at his lifestyle and how he keeps in shape and if he doesn't start doing something soon he's going to fall behind in a very competitive job.

I just feel like he doesn't have any motivation for us to get further ahead. Last year I wanted to apply for a job that would've paid quite a bit more (Dan could've been a stay at home dad) and since it was a government job it would've come with a very nice pension. However it would've meant moving quite aways away to a different province and he felt it was too far away. I know we do well for ourselves I just feel that if there's opportunities to better ourselves and our lives why not take them. Dan on the other hand seems quite content living how things are now. I know I can't really complain. I get paid $21/hr while Dan gets paid $14/hr, both are good paying jobs considering, and I know there are people a lot worse off. I just feel there's so much more potential for ourselves and I hate that I'm the only one willing and wanting to go out there and get it.

I was talking to my mum last week about what we'd do about childcare after my maternity leave was over and I was telling her I was thinking of changing my shifts so I'm working every Saturday because that would mean one less day of daycare. My mum told me she would do the same and change her schedule to work Saturday and Sunday so we would only need to have the child in daycare for 2 days a week and with Dan starting work at 9 and my mum finishing at 1 it would mean daycare for a total of 10 hours a week. What really frustrated me with this is that I said to Dan that it was too bad his work wasn't open Sunday's so we'd only need 1 day and he said he wouldn't work Sunday's anyway so it didn't matter. This really annoys me because here's my mum and I changing our schedule and me giving up ever having 2 days in a row off so we can save money and spend more time with our child and Dan wouldn't do it himself.

Ok rant over, I just feel I should add that I love my husband very much!