15 weeks

So I've decided to embrace this pregnancy and think positive that everything will be fine. I've decided I'm going to start doing the weekly update of what's going on with this pregnancy. Hopefully one day my son or daughter will be interested enough to read how's thing went throughout the pregnancy. 


How far along? 15 weeks
Baby's size? in fruit it says orange...... or the size of a kitkat bar.
Total Weight Gain: 8 pounds (that seems really high to me!)
Bellybutton:  in and probably will stay that way.
Stretchmarks: the colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Maternity pants, still fit into most of my shirts.
Gender:  Don't think we'll find out
Movement: Sometimes, mostly when I'm driving (must be how I'm sitting?)
Sleep: Surprisingly pretty good. I'm normally a terrible sleeper but I do get up once or twice a night to pee.
Symptoms: I found out this week that my morning tea was making me sick! Stopped having the tea and no more morning sickness!!!!!!!
Food Aversions: Loving food at the moment, probably explains the 8 pounds!
Food Cravings: I normally hate milk but I could drink it all day.
Best Moments this week: Doppler Tuesday. I went to my mum's and let her find/hear it for the first time
What I miss: I no longer fit into my scrubs for work.
What I am Looking forward to: Hopefully getting my echo appointment date this week.


My Grandma had a really bad fall this week. Tuesday morning she was getting her breakfast and passed out. She waited until my mum got home from work (she moved in a few years ago after my grandma had fallen twice) and took her to the doctor. They did blood work, an ECG and she has a 24 hr holter booked for tomorrow. She says she's a little sore but feels ok otherwise. I have to admit she looks terrible. By Tuesday night she had a black eye that would barely open and then Thursday the other eye was black and now from her cheek to chin on the side of the first black eye is all bruised as well as the opposite side's hand. We thinks she hit the counter on the side that's really bruised and then landed on the floor on opposite side to get the sore shoulder and bruised hand. I hope they figure out what happened although I doubt they will. Unless there's a holter on at the time it happens to see if it's heart related there's no way to tell what really happened. It hasn't happened again in the past 5 days so hopefully it was just a one time thing. She turns 89 in February.

No echo date yet

I'm getting a little frustrated with my doctor's office again. I had my last appointment 2 weeks ago and she asked about setting up the echo and the 18 week ultrasound. I told her that they did an anatomy ultrasound every time I had the echo with Hailey so I just needed that appointment for that and I told her that they told me it would take about 8 weeks to get one. We talked about a date and I asked if she could try to set it up for 20 weeks because I'd rather go longer not knowing if there's a problem and I'd like to let the heart develop as much as possible first. The 8 week wait is partially why I waited until 12 weeks to see my doctor.

I still haven't heard anything so I called the office yesterday and spoke to the receptionist. She said that it was in my file and that I had to be at least 18 weeks (no kidding!) so she'd send a reminder to the doctor. I'll be 15 weeks on Friday. If it takes 8 weeks to get an appointment I'm not looking at getting in until 23 weeks. I can't wait another 8 weeks to find out if this baby is ok and if it is less Dan and I both need to book the day off work. I don't even want to think about how hard that decision will be if something's wrong. What if this baby has HLHS and they don't think they can do surgery too? That gives us less then a week to decide. The guilt of continuing if this baby's sick is just going to kill me. I told Dan when he made the decision with Hailey that if it happened again we'd make the same decision every time. That our second child isn't more important then our first but I don't know if I can go through that again. I'm not even going to think about it. This baby is healthy and I won't ever hear that we have "options".

I have my next appointment on the 10th which is pretty much 2 weeks away. If I still don't have a date or the echo date is later then 20 weeks I'm going to ask for the anatomy scan to be done at 18 or 19 weeks. At least they'll have a good idea if everything's ok and if it's not I  know that they can fit you in because they did within a week when we had Hailey's anatomy and 2 weeks from the first to the second echo. They picked up Hailey's problem last time with the anatomy scan they just couldn't give us a diagnosis.

It makes me sad that we haven't done the planning like others have at this stage. I had a girl who's 20 weeks at work today ask me if we've thought of names. It hasn't even crossed my mind. Nothing about this pregnancy past 20 weeks has crossed my mind. I guess what it comes down to though is that no matter what happens we will need a name for this baby eventually. We'll get to that part of the process when we're ready. Hopefully we still have plenty of time.

Movement and morning sickness

I felt the quickening tonight on my way home from work! I know this may seem really early but I felt it with Hailey at 14 weeks. I only felt her moving for 2 weeks and then at 16 weeks it turned into kicks and I couldn't feel movement anymore. I remember going for my 17 week check up and the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat so she had to do an ultrasound. I wasn't worried because I'd just felt her kick 10 minutes earlier. Looking at the ultrasound pics I think this baby will be like her. She had freakishly long legs and the pictures seem to make it look like this baby does too! I'm still checking the heartbeat. I tried to go a week this time but gave in yesterday (last time I checked was on Thursday so I made it pretty far.) Until I start feeling this baby move quite a bit I've decided I'll check Tuesdays and Fridays. It's amazing though how each time I have to move it up a little bit higher :)

I'm slightly confused with the morning sickness. It had gotten better the past couple weeks but this week has been worse then before! I've been nauseous  all day and have thrown up at least once a day so far this week starting Monday night after dinner. Tuesday and this morning I threw up after breakfast (nearly did with lunch today) and also dinner tonight. Hopefully this will stop soon!!!!!

Frustrated with my husband

This post is purely for me to let off my frustrations. I know I'm going to sound ungrateful for all he does and all we have but I'm just so frustrated with him at the moment.

Last year my husband applied to join the national police force. He made it very far through the process and was 1 step away from going to depot (training). However with it being so competitive they wanted him to work on some sort of post secondary education and volunteer work. So far he's done neither. He can reapply in another year and he says he wants to but you can tell he just has no motivation. It's really starting to frustrate me. When he was going through the process I could start to see how him getting in would change our lives. Sure I'd have to spend 6 months away from him while he was training and he could be posted anywhere in Canada but I was ok with this because of all the benefits involved. At the moment there's no way we could afford anything less then both of us working full time with a child. I know most families do this and I will too if needed but I just don't like the idea of my child spending 8 hours a day with someone else, especially when they are too young to talk and let me know if something is going on. This is my big fear around leaving my child in the care of someone I don't know. Us both having to work full time was a huge stress when we found out about Hailey's HLHS. With Dan getting that job it would've meant I could work part time and not have the child in daycare so much. Also Dan wants our kids close together, but with daycare for one being $35/day there's no way we could afford having two in at the same time. My feelings are we wait until the first is 4 when we have the second so that last year the first is at home while I'm off on mat leave and when I go back they should be in all day kindergarden and we only need daycare for the youngest. We will have to do my plan if Dan doesn't get a better paying job.

Here's where I get really frustrated. Dan has yet to do anything to work toward what he needs to do to better his chances. I've found a few criminology courses about policing that I think would be very beneficial and he has yet to sign up and has now missed the January start. My aunt works at the university and is going to check the times and day of the ones that start in May, but if Dan doesn't get motivated he'll miss that one too. I've also looked into a few charities for him volunteer with. There's a children's charity that we were told about when talking with the social worker at the hospital and I was thinking that would be a great place to start, with charities that would've helped us so in turn we can play a part in helping families going through similar things. There's an event in February I told him about today and he's not interested. It's on a weekend and a 45 minute drive away which he feels is too far.... I've also mentioned a few other options all of which he isn't interested in. He's also supposed to start working out or exercising more to get a better time in the physical test. Last time he did it he was within the time but could've done a lot better. He looks like he's in good shape but really lacks endurance. When we went hiking after I started running he had a hard time keeping up with me. He knows they look at his lifestyle and how he keeps in shape and if he doesn't start doing something soon he's going to fall behind in a very competitive job.

I just feel like he doesn't have any motivation for us to get further ahead. Last year I wanted to apply for a job that would've paid quite a bit more (Dan could've been a stay at home dad) and since it was a government job it would've come with a very nice pension. However it would've meant moving quite aways away to a different province and he felt it was too far away. I know we do well for ourselves I just feel that if there's opportunities to better ourselves and our lives why not take them. Dan on the other hand seems quite content living how things are now. I know I can't really complain. I get paid $21/hr while Dan gets paid $14/hr, both are good paying jobs considering, and I know there are people a lot worse off. I just feel there's so much more potential for ourselves and I hate that I'm the only one willing and wanting to go out there and get it.

I was talking to my mum last week about what we'd do about childcare after my maternity leave was over and I was telling her I was thinking of changing my shifts so I'm working every Saturday because that would mean one less day of daycare. My mum told me she would do the same and change her schedule to work Saturday and Sunday so we would only need to have the child in daycare for 2 days a week and with Dan starting work at 9 and my mum finishing at 1 it would mean daycare for a total of 10 hours a week. What really frustrated me with this is that I said to Dan that it was too bad his work wasn't open Sunday's so we'd only need 1 day and he said he wouldn't work Sunday's anyway so it didn't matter. This really annoys me because here's my mum and I changing our schedule and me giving up ever having 2 days in a row off so we can save money and spend more time with our child and Dan wouldn't do it himself.

Ok rant over, I just feel I should add that I love my husband very much!

Ultrasound

I had my ultrasound this afternoon and everything looks good! Of course it's too early to tell about the heart but I'm just happy that things are progressing well at this point. To answer the question about how far along I am? 12 weeks! I'm only 3-4 days off what my LMP was saying so this baby was just a slow starter. I still think it has to do with my inverted uterus. They say the dates from early scans can be out by up to 2 weeks if you have it and it corrects itself around 12 weeks. While I'm still nervous I can start to relax a little about miscarriage. The heart rate was a good 156. Dan just told me he thought he could see 4 chambers but who knows what stage it starts changing and I'd rather not get my hopes up.

I was really nervous about going back to the same place we had my first scan with Hailey but it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting (I did have palpitations all morning from my high anxiety though.) I knew they started doing reno's and it looks like a completely different place when you first walk in. This made me more relaxed. Normally the spouse has to wait in the waiting room until the last 10 minutes of the scan but she told him to come in right away. Then we walked to the old part of the lab and thankfully didn't go into the same room. She was so nice and sweet. The first thing she said when we started doing the ultrasound was that the baby was very active. I think she partly said this to calm me down in knowing that the baby was ok but he/she was being very active so she tried getting me to hold my breath in order to get some decent pictures. She then said she wouldn't charge me for the pictures either (I'm really happy about this because although I would've paid a lot more then $12 for the pics they're not the best quality and printed on normal paper.)

All in all it's been a really good day. I've had an ultrasound where you can see the baby and it's ended well. This is also my first ultrasound that's turned out ok when I wasn't by myself. Hopefully I can now start to relax and enjoy the next 8 weeks before I start worrying too much about the echo.

Frustrating inlaw

I don't understand my husband's family, particularly his parents. I'm sure I've mentioned that Dan's twin brother is coming to visit in February for a few days and they're going to spend the time skiing different mountains. I'm completely expecting to be the third wheel and pretty much only see them for dinner and the drive to and from the airport. I'm ok with this. Dan so rarely sees his family that I want him to spend as much time as possible with them. Yesterday Dan was chatting online with his parents and mentioned to me that they were thinking about coming for a visit in February but they were worried about taking time away from Dan and his brother. I was confused by this because he's only out for about 4 days so I asked Dan how long his parents were thinking of coming to visit and he said 4 days...... they plan to spend the rest of the time in Canada nowhere near where we live with brother's wifes family. I find this REALLY frustrating and very confusing.

As a mother wouldn't you want to spend as much time as possible with your child no matter how old they are? Daniel is the only one not living near them (one brother and his wife still live at home while his twin and his wife live on the same property.) They all see each other every day. They did this last time too. They spent 3 weeks travelling around Canada and the US and never stopped by to see us. If this was my parents I'd be devastated and I know it really upsets Dan. He even suggested that they wait and come out after the baby is born. Now they aren't even thinking of stopping to see us and just going to visit Julie's family and then go somewhere in the US to ski. They asked Dan if we'd like them to stop by and he said yes, then they said yeah I don't think we will it's too expensive. YOU SPENT OVER $2000 EACH TO FLY OUT HERE AND YOU CAN'T SPEND ANOTHER $500 TO VISIT YOUR SON!! 4 years ago we visited them in Lake Tahoe and they'd rented a chalet for a week. They're not short on money and if they were wouldn't it make more sense to stay with us where you don't have to pay for a hotel and visit our local mountains they haven't skied on in 20 years? It's like Dan and I going to New Zealand or Sydney for 3 weeks and not coming to visit them because it would be an extra $500.

We bought our house 2 and a half years ago and Dan's younger brother and his wife are the only ones who've seen it. His parents have only been to visit once since Dan moved out here over 5 years ago. It's really sad that although they've been to North America more then we've been to Australia we've managed to visit them more then they've visited us. I just feel so bad for Dan. As much as he doesn't want to say it he misses his family. You can tell just how he was talking about his parents coming to visit, even if it was just for 4 days. It doesn't look like his parents will be out when the baby is born either but his younger brother and this wife have been talking about visiting.

This is why Dan limits what he tells me about his family. I get so frustrated and angry. Dan doesn't want me to but I'm thinking of writing an e-mail to his parents saying "I know you've talked to Dan about coming out to visit in February. Before you make your plans please think about how you'd feel if Dan and I made a trip to Darwin or New Zealand and didn't stop by to see you for the second time in 2 years. I know you'll make whatever decision you want but please consider Dan's feelings." I probably won't send it because I don't want to deal with the backlash I'm sure I'll get from his dad. I don't think I'll ever understand his family.

Home birth?

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here but I've been doing a little bit of research on possibly doing a home birth if the baby is healthy. You don't really hear about home births in Canada except for rural areas or women who have the baby too quickly to get to the hospital. At this stage it's just a thought but I'm thinking of asking my doctor to send me to a midwife after I'm 20 weeks this time instead of an OBGYN. I've looked up what is required of a midwife and they are supposed to give you the option of a home or hospital birth. It's pretty safe, especially with us living about a 2 minute drive from the hospital. They won't do a home birth in certain circumstances ( being over 42 weeks, breech baby etc.) I'll have to do more research in the next few months and I don't even know if the baby will be considered "high risk" due to Hailey's HLHS. I'm assuming as long as the baby is given the all clear at a 32 week ultrasound it should be fine to deliver at home.

The reason I'm thinking of going this way is I really don't like hospitals. I'm also hoping not to get an epidural (might be wishful thinking) because they really creep me out! I also don't like the idea of lying in a hospital bed giving birth. I hated being stuck in the hospital while we waited for Hailey to come. You can't walk around too much and I just ended up staying in the bed for 2 days getting checked every 4 hours. I like the idea of being at home and comfortable.

Just a thought. I'm a long way away from having to make any decisions but I like looking into my options. I have my ultrasound on Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to seeing this baby. We checked the heartbeat again today so the next time will be Tuesday now. I don't really know what I'm expecting to get out of this ultrasound. I know there's a heartbeat and I'm hoping there's only 1 baby. I won't know how far along I am for another week as that's how long it takes for them to send the report to the doctor. I think although you hear the heartbeat it doesn't become real until you see the baby. I also think this is just another step toward getting my echo date. As soon as we know how far along I actually am we can book the echo and start looking toward that date. The pictures from this ultrasound clinic are REALLY crappy unless they've improved since Hailey so I'm not expecting great pictures which really sucks considering it costs $12 ish to get the pictures. If they're decent I'll put them up Tuesday night. Fingers crossed this appointment goes well!

12 weeks?

Maybe it's just wishful thinking but I've started going off the only dates I know...... the day of my last period. Going off that date I'm 12 weeks today. I was a little concerned all day. My energy has increased quite a bit today, but I was good and waited until Dan got home from work to use the doppler. I've always told people only to use a doppler if you're able to handle not being able to find the heartbeat. There's so many reasons for not finding it and if I ever let anyone borrow it after I'm done I'll make them promise not to worry too much if this happens. It happened to us tonight! At 5:15 we tried to find the heartbeat and spent 10 minutes searching. Couldn't find it. I tried moving around hoping the baby would change positions and then decided to stop, have dinner and try again in an hour. If we still didn't find it I'd try again tomorrow and see what happens before worrying. Well after dinner we tried again and the funny thing is the first sound we heard when I turned it on was the heartbeat!! It just goes to show that sometimes it really just is positioning and who knows what else.

I had the ultrasound clinic call today to remind me of my appointment on Tuesday. It's been a while since I've had a "normal" ultrasound in a "normal" ultrasound clinic and never with Daniel there. I asked if it was ok for him to come in the room near the end and they said yes, the last 10 minutes of the appointment he's allowed in. I'm a little anxious about this appointment. This ultrasound clinic is the same place I had my 18 week ultrasound with Hailey. I associate this place with when my life changed forever. I wonder if this'll be one of those times where I think I'll act one way but really be ok. When I had the ultrasound late November in a different town I cried while waiting for her to call me in. I'm getting anxiety just thinking about walking into the building and I don't know how I'll react being back in that same waiting room and worse if they place me in the same exam room. I'm hoping they'll take pity on me and let Dan come in the whole time.

I work my first saturday in 2 months tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. We're only open a half day but it's busy all morning and we work with minimal staff. I also happen to be working at a lab where they're all lazy (or just REALLY slow) and I end up having to pick up the slack and work twice as hard. I always leave work on a Saturday and take a nap when I get home.  I'm going to head to bed soon. I'm not looking forward to getting up early tomorrow.

Frustration

Today has been a rough day. I had my HCG done again and it's only gone down a bit in a week from 101060 to 88502 so it dropped 12558 in 6 days. I picked up my ultrasound req from my GP's office and she put my LMP as Oct. 28th instead of Oct. 15 and that I had an ultrasound Nov. 26th and it was < 5weeks.

I'm just so frustrated with the not knowing where I am in this pregnancy. Here's what I do know. My LMP was Oct. 15th. I had a faint + preg test in the am on Nov. 17th. We also found a heartbeat using the doppler on Dec. 22nd. That's ALL I know about this pregnancy.

So if I go off of the ultrasound dates, I'm assuming the ultrasound put my LMP as Oct. 28th and due date at Aug. 5th instead of Oct. 15 to July 21st. This means that we heard the heartbeat using the doppler at 7 weeks and I had a + test before 3 weeks (5 days post ovulation.) Is that possible?

I'm just so frustrated and done. This will be my last pregnancy for a very long time no matter how it ends. I just can't keep doing this. I can't keep wondering if everything is ok. I can't keep worrying. I'm done. If this pregnancy fails I'm done. While I won't say forever I will say for at least a year. As much as I want a baby I can't keep going through this stress and emotional ups and downs. I so badly want this pregnancy to work out but I'm losing faith.  I'm seriously considering taking vacation time the next few weeks to get away but I have nowhere to go. The worst thing I can do is just sit at home, it's better for me to be at work but I'd love nothing more then to go away for a while and just relax. Forget all about life. I just want to forget about everything that's going on. I just want to not worry what's going on with this baby and what's going on with my body. I know I'm winging a lot at the moment and I know I'm extremely lucky to be able to get pregnant so quickly but I can't keep doing this. Maybe it's because at this stage with the heartbeat and my levels dropping I'm aware that if I miscarry it's not because there was a problem with the baby. It was a problem with me. My body will be the cause of the miscarriage.