There's a yolk sac in my uterus!!!

I had my ultrasound this afternoon. The lady was so nice (they aren't supposed to tell you anything at all as I learned from the horrible experience at the hospital) and I actually suspect she was the radiographer (I'll explain later.) Keeping consistent my doctor's office didn't say it was an ob ultrasound. She found out when I told her it was to rule out ectopic and I only found out I was pregnant through blood because of the pain. She asked if this was my first pregnancy and I explained it was my 3rd all within the year. She then asked if I've ever delivered and I said yes at 24 weeks, she had HLHS and the last pregnancy I had a scan at 8 weeks measuring 6 with no yolk sac or fetal pole. She did a stomach ultrasound first and saw "something" in my uterus and that it was probably very early (it measured 4.5 mm.) I confirmed uterus not fallopian tubes and she showed me the screen and the small black dot. She then did a transvaginal ultrasound and then was very happy to see the yolk sac. She showed me (although it just looked like a slightly different shade of grey to me.) She never told me what it measured this way but she said everything looked good at this stage. She made sure to say at the moment it looks good but who knows about tomorrow. Trust me I know all too well there is never a safe point in a pregnancy, especially the first 12 weeks. All that matters at this stage is I've had my first good ultrasound experience! This is the first time I've left happy and not in tears. I think she was the radiographer as she was the only person I saw not wearing scrubs (she was wearing back pants and top under lab coat) and after it was over she said she'd type it up and send it to my doctor right away. Ultrasound techs, at least in Canada don't do the report. The pictures are given to the radiographer who interprets and send the results to the doctor.

I made the mistake of looking for animals at the spca online last night. I've fallen for an adult cat..... with 1 eye. I'm trying to convince Dan to go the spca tomorrow and look at it although I don't think it's going to happen :( It's kind of hard to convince him to get an animal he doesn't want when he will have to clean up after it hopefully for the next 9 months!

Finally an ultrasound date!

It's been over a week since I found out I'm pregnant and I've been waiting to hear from the doctor's office about the ultrasound date. We left it that if I was pregnant her office would set up the appointment and if not I could make it myself. I waited a week and on Tuesday called the ultrasound clinic and booked the appointment. When she asked what it was for I said ob for dating and to rule out ectopic. She asked my LMP and I told her Oct. 15th but we think I may be a week later going off blood since that's how we found out I was pregnant. Her response was "Oh. The earliest appointment we have is Dec. 20th which is fine with the dating aspect but you'll possibly be 9.5 weeks which is leaving it a little late for possible ectopic." (which is why my dr.'s office was supposed to set it up because there is a 3 week wait with empty appointments for STATS.) She said there is a waiting list but I might want to call my gp's office and see if they want to book it sooner. Well I phoned the office and spoke to the receptionist who I hate and is useless. I only said I think they were going to book an ultrasound for me and she asked my name, got my chart and said "yup the req's in the chart and we'll call you when we've made an appointment." Then hung up! I let it go for the night and called back this morning to see if they could make the appointment where I want since it's not actually in my town but I lied and said I'm working in that building so it'd be really convenient. Her response was "Can't you just make the appointment yourself?" HAVE YOU READ MY CHART!!!! I explained to her that I had but since it's to rule out ectopic leaving it until 9.5 weeks a little long and she then passed the call on to the nurse (who I love and has been there since I was birth) and she said she'd call them right away and get back to me. She called back within 10 mins and I have the appointment on Friday (Nov. 26th) so I'll be either 5 or 6 weeks which from what I've read is a good time to catch it.

I've decided not to get or ask any information from them during or at the ultrasound. I'd rather not have that stress like the miscarriage and just be oblivious as long as possible if there is a problem.  If I'm offered pics I'll ask for them in an envelop and look at them when I'm ready ie. past 12 weeks.

Pregnancy symptoms

I'd forgotten how worrying the cramping is. I had this with Hailey from week 4 to 15 weeks and I was so worried about miscarrying with her because of the cramps. I'd talked to a friend about it who had it with all 3 pregnancies and she'd said she went to the doctor with her first and he told her it was like the egg burrowing in. I'm sure it's really just your uterus wondering what going but either way I had it with Hailey and didn't have it with the miscarriage so I keep having to remind myself that hopefully this is a good sign. I've also started to get nauseous. I haven't been sick yet but with how I've been feeling I know that's not far off. I've been trying to think of creative ways on what to do while driving to work since I'll be travelling a lot this next month in the morning and that tends to be when I feel nauseous and have gotten sick in the past. Again, I never had this with my miscarriage so I'm very hopeful all will be ok and we'll make it to the second trimester and fingers crossed the third to bring home a healthy baby sometime in July.

I still haven't heard from my doctor. I have no idea how far along I actually am. Going off my cycle it should be around July 21st but because I was still getting negative tests 4 days after my missed period I wonder if this will set back my due date? Like the HCG chart said I was somewhere between 3-4 weeks on tuesday so I'm now between 4-5 weeks. I'm thinking I'll get an appointment for the ultrasound next week or the week after at 5,6 or 7 weeks. From what I've read they can't see anything before 5 weeks anyway and with my past ultrasound disaster I'd be totally fine waiting as long as possible. If it wasn't for the pains (which are pretty much gone now) I wouldn't want an ultrasound until 12 weeks because although there's the heartbeat and your chances of miscarriage go down, I don't want that false hope and it would crush me to see a heartbeat and then find out the baby died.

It's been really cold lately. It snowed during the 10k run I did and was -5 so that was fun!!!!!! I'll put 2 pics up. The first is everyone who was in it. My aunts and mum walked 5 k and my cousin and I ran 10k. The second picture is my mum and I :)

I think I'm on the verge of getting sick. I haven't been sleeping well lately and the stress of worrying about the pregnancy and running the 10 k in those conditions has given me a lovely cold sore. I'm going to try my hardest not to pass this on to my kids because as much as I love my mum I secretly curse her every time I get one!!!!

Dr's appointment

I had a Dr's appointment tonight. I set it up on Friday because I've been getting pains in my lower right pelvis for nearly 2 weeks. The pains had been getting better but I think it could be a bladder infection without the typical pain when peeing.  This coupled with my lack of period means I had to go for a serum HCG and urine tests as we are hoping it's a bladder infection. I also have to get an ultrasound done. I asked if this could wait until after Dec. 22nd (which is when I go back to my normal job) and she put urgent on the form and told me that if my levels show I'm pregnant I have to get it done soon, if not she suggests not waiting but it should be ok. The results should be online in less then 2 hours. She told me that based on my cycle it's not likely ectopic but it'd need to be ruled out early just in case.

I'm trying not to think what being pregnant will mean. I was offered this position because I said I'd be available between Nov. 22- Dec 22nd. Then if I am I will have to take at least a morning or afternoon off and miss a meeting. Hoping if I am they can somehow squeeze me in on Friday, although I won't hold my breath. Reading that back I just realized how sad it is that I'm more concerned about my job and how I'll look taking more time off then my health. I got the girl in the back who gets the blood ready to send to our main lab to take my blood so she is hopefully the only one that knows and will know. Going to have a shower and get ready for bed. I'll update when the results come up.

*UPDATE*

Just checked online and I'll start by saying my urine tests were normal and I expect the culture to be as well.

My HCG level was 35.
Here's the chart:
Time after LMP Expected Range 
3rd Week (6 - 71)
4th Week (10 - 750)
5th Week (217 - 7138)
6th Week (158 - 31795)
7th Week (3697 - 163563)
8&9th Week (32065 - 151410)
10th Week (46509 - 186977)
12th Week (27832 - 210612)
14th Week (13950 - 62530)
15th Week (12039 - 70971)
16th Week (9040 - 56451)
17&18th Week (8175 - 58176)
Non-Pregnant (Less than 10)

So here's to thinking positive and I ovulated late. I called my sister (who's a tech) and begged her not to tell my mum. I asked her if it's possible to have an HCG at 35 and not be pregnant and she said no. I guess I'll speak my manager and let her know what's going on. As much as I wanted to do this job I'm going to put my health first and if it means they get someone else then that's ok.

I should explain the reason I'm so worried about ectopic. My aunt didn't know she was pregnant until 9 weeks and at 10 weeks her tube burst due to the pregnancy being ectopic. She had surgery to remove the one side and then got an infection and they had to remove both tubes. This was her first and only pregnancy. Again to think positively, at least if it is ectopic (and hopefully it's not) we will catch it very early.

Late and waiting

Well I still haven't started my period. This is really frustrating because I've always been 28 days to the hour.  The time has changed with birth and the miscarriage but the past 2 times I'd been starting on Friday at 8:30 pm. It's now Saturday night and still no period or cramps. I just took a pregnancy test and it's negative. I'm slightly concerned because of how I've been feeling the past couple days.

I'm probably over reacting and thinking the worst but on and off since last Thursday (4 days post ovulation)  I've had a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen/pelvis. It's so low down the only thing I can think of is either my appendix or reproductive. I don't think it's not my colon since I had a colonoscopy less then 2 years ago when I found out I have celiac. The one sided pain along with my lower back pain and missed period could be ectopic. I've read that sometimes HCG levels are slow to rise. I've come to this possibility mainly because of the crappy luck we've been having so far it wouldn't surprise me.

Or most likely it's just stress! Either way I've set up an appointment with my GP for Tuesday. I don't know which is better to have my period or not since she'll most likely want to do a pelvic exam with my symptoms ( like I haven't had enough of those this past year!) It takes 3 months to get the pap results back so I'm looking forward to getting those results since I had cervical cancer at 17 (after treatment my pap's have so far been normal for the past 5 years)

I feel like such a complainer and worrier. Trying to relax as there is nothing I can do at the moment anyway.

Another month

I'll start off with saying I took a pregnancy test yesterday (Tuesday) and it was negative. It's a little early since I'm not due to start until Friday night but the wait was TORTURE! I know technically I could still be pregnant (I took an early response test) but I'm much more relaxed and excepting that it probably won't happen this month.  I told Dan last night that I hated who I'd become. Before we started trying I always said I'd never be one of those people who spent all the time thinking about getting pregnant and I wouldn't chart or anything like that. How naive was I! We weren't in a hurry to get pregnant with Hailey, it was more lets start and if it takes a while that's ok. Now that we've come so close and have held our child it's always on my mind. So taking the test has made it less stressful and now I will just look to next month.  I find it easier to see the negative test then to wait and find out from starting my period. I guess we will take this next week to decide if we are going to try in November or wait.

On a different note it was an eventful day at work! First I got a call from our head office offering me a position for the next month going around and tweaking how things are done to make it more effective. I'm really happy about this because it means I get a month break from patients and I'll be super busy so won't have much time to think about getting pregnant and what this next cycle means to us (hard to believe Hailey was conceived in 2 weeks a year ago. To go a little off topic I was thinking today how I might've lied to the doctor about my LMP so that the due date would be on Dan's birthday instead of the day before because I remember before we found out I'd said that the due date would be a day before and I was a little disappointed but I may have just done the math wrong.) So I'm really excited to do this. It'll mean a lot of travelling around (which I'll get mileage pay for) and full time hours which I'm not used to ( I work between 50-60 hours in a 2 week period.) Extra money just in time for christmas!

I also worked a split shift today. From 9-12 I was at one lab and then from 1-5 I was at another. At 3pm we got a call from my friend at the first lab saying a patient became unresponsive in the waiting room. I guess an elderly man was waiting for his wife who was our patient and just fell over. No warning, nothing. He'd stopped breathing and had no pulse.  I didn't ask her any questions about it but I'm assuming they did CPR until the ambulance arrived. It doesn't look good. He lost all muscle control so he threw up and(I'm trying to think of a tactful way to say this) lost what was in his bowels. This isn't a good sign so unfortunately I don't think he survived. His poor wife just had to watch, thankfully he came with her because at least he had a better chance of surviving then if he was at home. As sad what happened is, I was more worried about my friend who's 34 weeks pregnant and had already gone into early labour at 27 weeks. She seems to be ok, obviously shaken but her and the baby are ok. I only bring up what happened because it has me shaken. This is why I chose private lab over hospital. On my practicum I watched while doctor's worked on a cancer patient who didn't survive and I wanted to hopefully never see that again. Apparently although this isn't common it does happen (the lab I was working in the afternoon had 3 in a year and half.) It also made me think how well do I really know CPR? It's been 4 years since I've had my last training and although I have a pretty good idea, I'd be guessing where to press and how hard. In the end I guess doing CPR wrong is better then not doing it at all. Dan and I had talked while we were trying to decide with Hailey and I wouldn't have let someone who hadn't taken a child CPR course in the past year alone with her. You hope you never have to use it, but sadly you never know, especially with a heart baby.

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day. I'm going to take my grandmother up to grandpa's grave. The terrain isn't very good so she hasn't gone out there very much these past couple years.

Moving forward.....I think

I had my appointment with the psychologist today. It went really well and although this first session was just to get to know me and what's happened I left feeling better. He asked me if the hospital had suggested any books on loss and it reminded me that I was given a book called still to be born. I started reading it again tonight and it's helped.

The big moving forward step the title suggests is that I've changed the back round picture on my laptop. Here's the picture I had up

I think it made me sad every time I opened the laptop. When I put the picture up it was right after we got home from the hospital and I worried I'd forget her. I now know that's not possible and feel like I don't need that constant reminder. I've replaced it with a picture I took on a hike recently. We spend a lot of time outdoors and I love this picture :)

I've gotten over my fear of having pictures of us online so since I'm in a picture mood here's one of Dan and I during that hike. We managed to find a patch of snow and took the opportunity to have our first snow picture of the year! It's late and I'm on call tomorrow morning so I'll end here.

Trying again put on hold

I had a breakdown this afternoon. I worked a half shift today and afterwards I called to set up an appointment with the counselling service through my work. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I then went out and did grocery shopping and when I walked in the front door I just lost it. I don't know why but I just couldn't stop crying and couldn't catch my breath. My mum lives a few blocks away so I drove over and just cried. My poor mum. I can't imagine what it's like to see your child in so much emotional pain and there's nothing you can do to make it better.

It's gotta be because we started trying again. I don't know why I feel this way and where it came from but I don't want to feel like this anymore.  We can't keep trying right now. I can't handle the stress and anxiety. I'm also wondering if I should go on anti-depressants. I haven't talked to Daniel about my feelings yet but I just can't keep going on like this.

It's so confusing. All I want is to be pregnant but trying to get pregnant is stressing me out so much that I don't want to try to get pregnant. I want a baby SO badly, but I think part of it is I want Hailey. I want to be pregnant again but I want to be pregnant with Hailey. I just want my baby back. I now wish I'd had those precious few hours or days with her but then I feel selfish because of all she'd have to go through for that time together. I'm so lost and don't know how to get back or if I even can.

Hopefully the session tomorrow will help me feel better and help me understand these feelings. I'm assuming I haven't fully grieved yet. I put on a show about how I'm ok now but really I just do/say what I think are the right things so people think I'm doing well when really I'm slowly falling apart.

A little obsessed

I've come to a realization this past week. I'm pretty much obsessed with all things related to becoming pregnant. This month was supposed to be a "lets see what happens" month and although it started out that way within the first week of the cycle I'd already "planned" for days I'd be most fertile. I know this alone doesn't sound obsessive but it's all I think about. It's all I look up online. My whole days are spent counting down until I should get my period and dissecting every small thing my body does to try to find out if I'm pregnant. We've still got another 11 days to wait and it's driving me crazy! The worst part is I do have a few symptoms.  I know I ovulated Saturday and Sunday morning I woke up with period like cramps. I've been getting them on and off today as well. I had this when I was pregnant with Hailey and the doctor described it as the egg burrowing in. The problem is I don't know if it's just my imagination or not. Is my body reacting to what I want so much to be true? And if it is are we going to go through the whole miscarriage again because it's a false pregnancy and I wasn't really pregnant?

I've decided I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow. My work provides 6 free sessions a year and I went to one in August just after the miscarriage and right before Hailey's due date. Although I didn't like the lady, I can ask for someone else. I obviously still have issues and I'm stressed with wanting so badly to be pregnant. It's frustrating because 2 months ago I felt at ease not being able to try after the miscarriage. I could relax and not focus on getting pregnant. It's never been this bad. I don't know if it's because we didn't expect or feel the "need" to get pregnant too quickly with Hailey so when I did I was shocked. And then the miscarriage pregnancy wasn't planned, so I've never had this HUGE desire to become pregnant right away.

I'm sure this all comes down to my feelings of not being in control and the unknown. I keep thinking about how I'd be ok if I could just know that we'd get pregnant in December and the baby would be healthy. I'd be so ok waiting until then, but without of the stress of will I pregnant this month. The reality is I know one day we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby, I just need patience.......