Get together for Hailey

On Saturday most of the family on my mum's side got together to spread Hailey's ashes. We decided to do this at my grandfather's grave. We all met and headed down there at 2pm. Afterwards everyone came over for a BBQ at our place. It was really great. I really feel like we've had more closure. I also think everyone else has been able to get closure from this too. When I was thinking about doing it I wanted to involve my family, so my mum was the first to scatter some of her ashes, then my sister, dad, grandmother, Daniel and myself. Afterwards I went around and gave everyone a balloon while my mum handed out sharpies and asked if anyone would like to put a message for Hailey. Then we let all the balloons go. I'll put a picture up of the balloons flying away. There were 24 people at our house for the bbq including 3 kids so although it was chaotic I wouldn't change a thing (except to be there celebrating Hailey's birth and here being healthy of course.)

On a different note I think I've found what I'd like to do to remember Hailey. A patient today had a tattoo of her child's footprint on her wrist. I couldn't believe how huge a full term baby's foot is compared to Hailey's footprints! My husband isn't a tattoo person so I can see an argument happening when I tell him. I think I'll try to figure out where to have it first before I tell him about it. I'll put a pic of her footprints up too so you can see just how small they really were. My doctor called tonight at 8:30 to talk about my results. She wants to do another HCG next week to make sure it's gone to negative. I really love my doctor. She tried calling friday but my husband stole my cell phone for the day and talked to her. She told me tonight that it's her week off but she'd go in and put a note in my chart to have it faxed to whatever lab I want.

I never get tired of looking at pics of her or things that remind me of her :)

HCG levels

I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon and told her how I've been feeling. I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms while I was pregnant but now I've only been eating a little bit of dinner because I feel nauseous when I eat. I also told her about my hospital visit so she ordered a CBC, ferritin (both to check for anemia) and HCG level to make sure it was coming down instead of rising. The good news is that the ultrasound showed there was nothing left of the pregnancy. Through this miscarriage experience I have to say you never fully or want to believe it's actually happened. I left hoping my levels would be consistent with 11 or 9 weeks and hoped that they just missed seeing something. The good news is my hemoglobin is back up to 131 (range is 115-160.) My ferritin is also in the lower ranges of normal and my HCG is 17. It's amazing how it dropped from over 9000 to 17 in 23 days. The good news with this  is that less then 10 is a negative so the miscarriage should officially be over soon and then in theory I should go back to a normal cycle. The sooner this happens the sooner we can start trying again. We've decided we're going to wait the full 3 months. I want to be sure my body has fully recovered and I'd like to have at least 2 cycles to base when my due date should be.

I want to make it clear that Hailey will never be replaced. I struggle constantly with my feelings of becoming pregnant as I wish so much she were here. I'd stop now if all we could have was her healthy. One child would've been enough if that's all we are/were fortunate to have. I've always wanted children. I've always wanted to be young mum. As much as it hurts to not have Hailey here I can't give up on that dream. Not a day has gone by I haven't thought of her. Not a day goes by I don't wish things were different. I've had to except that I can't change what's happened or the decisions I've made.

We're scattering the rest of Hailey's ashes on Saturday with my family. My mum continues to amaze me. I just can't believe how she always knows what to do or say. I hadn't said anything but I'd been thinking of putting a picture of Hailey up in our living room. My mum moved into my grandmother's after she had a couple bad falls a few years ago. My grandma has pictures of all her grandchildren and great grandchildren above the fireplace. My mum went out and bought a frame, took a picture of an angel she made for Hailey with her name and birthday on it and put that picture up.  As much as it made me cry I'm so thankful for this. She is part of me as well as a part of my mum and grandma. She is and always will be a part of the family and I'm so thankful my mum has done this to acknowledge her. Everything we've done to acknowledge all the family members my mum has added Hailey to, including adding her own snowman to the christmas tree at my grandma's. I'll take a picture of what I have going in the living room to remember her.

Why do people ask?

I've started getting really frustrated lately. I've been having a lot of people ask when we are going to start trying again. No one knows about our recent miscarriage and it's really hard since I don't know what to tell people. I end up just giving the awkward "I don't know, not for a few months." Sometimes I really just want to say "well since we just miscarried it'll be at least 2 months before we can think of trying again."  I wonder if this is happening because of how open I was with our last pregnancy and it's expected now. I know they're trying to be nice and really just want to know how I'm doing after all we've been through but there's no way this question isn't hurtful.  I think this is such an insensitive question to ask to anyone, especially someone who has lost a pregnancy. Really there's only 4 ways this could go.
1- I'm pregnant and don't want to tell anyone in which case you'll know when I want it out.
2- We're trying but haven't gotten pregnant yet. Thanks for reminding me how much I want a baby.
3- We aren't trying  because I'm not ready but thanks for reminding me about losing Hailey.
4- We've lost another pregnancy and thanks for reminding me I'm still childless. (With this being the case it makes me really sad when people ask because I think about how I should be 11 weeks and only 1 more to go before I could tell.)

I wish I knew an answer that wouldn't let people know what we're going through but get it across that it's none of their business and don't ask again. We were only going to tell our families at 13 weeks and then wait to tell everyone else after the ultrasound/echo at 18 weeks. I'm thinking in future pregnancies it won't work since I started showing noticeably at 10 weeks with Hailey. I was hoping no one would have the guts to ask if I was because of what we went through since it's bad enough asking someone who isn't pregnant if they are let alone someone who lost a pregnancy, but apparently people have no problem asking.

I've started to get sad about this miscarriage. I figured it would happen once we passed the due date and it has. I had such high hopes for this pregnancy. I just have to keep reminding myself it'll happen one day, hopefully sooner then later.

Today was Hailey's due date

As the title says today was Hailey's due date. It's also my husbands birthday. I've been struggling with this for a while. I want to be supportive and hope he has a great birthday but all I want to do is lay in bed and cry.  My work booked me off for today and my mum and I will be going to my grandfather's grave (where we will scatter the ashes next weekend) this afternoon with pink balloons. We're going to write messages on them for her and let them float away. We've been trying to find something to do to mark this special day. My mum suggested buying baby food/formula and taking them to the local food bank. I really like this idea but what it comes down to is I'm nowhere near ready to go to a store and buy these things. To be honest I'm also still bitter at the thought of others being able to have children who can't afford food while we can and are childless. Maybe next year when everything isn't so raw. I've been thinking of going out today and getting a heart necklace. I've got my bracelet with her name on it but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm not a jewellery person at all but I love wearing my bracelet. I just need these little reminders that she happened and I love her so much.

I'm hoping things will get better and easier after today has passed. I haven't had a chance to grieve the miscarriage because it happened so close to the due date. As terrifying the thought of losing another pregnancy is I've had a renewed interest in hoping it happens again quickly. Since this day marks the end of a year for my husband I'm hoping 29 is our year :)

Feeling guilty

I'm feeling guilty about not being very upset about the miscarriage. Yes I'm sad it happened and i wish it didn't but I'm not really upset about it. I don't know if this is because before 12 weeks you know it can happen or just due to what we went through with Hailey I'm ok with it happening. My views on miscarriage have always been that there was something very wrong with the baby. I also feel like after losing Hailey later in the pregnancy I'm more ok with a miscarriage because I'd rather it happen now then 14-40 weeks in. Maybe it's because we are over the shock. Nothing surprises us anymore and we knew it would likely end this way nearly 2 weeks before. I know my husband is upset and sad. I told him how I was feeling last night and he tried to make me feel better by saying "you shouldn't feel sad when you get your period, so you don't have to now." That's not really true. I guess in a way this pregnancy was only a potential baby and same with my egg every month but the fact that a baby had started to form makes me care more. I think it all has to do with how close this is coming to Hailey's due date. I hate thinking about how different our lives would've been if we had kept going, or if she would've been healthy. I should be getting the room ready and making sure the car seat is installed correctly not going for an ultrasound to make sure I had a complete miscarriage.

I had that appointment today. I was secretly hoping she'd say "it looks like you had twins....and one's still there!" but I knew it wasn't going to happen. She didn't say anything, just told me it can take a week for the doctor to get the results. I went by myself and when I told my husband about the time frame he was shocked but really we all know if something had come up I'd know before I left the hospital. I guess a slight positive is that this is the first time at an ultrasound they didn't have to leave the room to speak with a doctor! Hopefully this means our luck is changing. I'm getting really frustrated with this whole miscarriage thing. I just want it to be over. I had to leave work early on Wednesday because the cramps and pains were coming back. I ended up going to a walk in clinic to find out what and how much I could take of pain relievers (a lot more then I thought!) I'd assumed this was happening because I didn't fully miscarry and there was still more that was going to come out. Well I was just finishing doing an ECG today and I felt a clot come. Thankfully it's a short walk to the bathroom and nobody noticed. I was so frustrated though because I'd pretty much stopped bleeding until then.

I also had a bit of a panic attack this morning. I started thinking about what the emerg doctor said about genetic testing. I realized the baby stopped growing very early. What if this was because of another heart defect that meant the heart never formed or started beating? I know I'm probably just thinking too much into it.

My husband turns 29 tomorrow. I'm really hoping that this year is a good year for him. We are due for some good things to happen :)

Feeling better

As Hailey's due date rapidly approaches I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the positives in life.  While we are struggling with having children I really am blessed. I have an amazing husband who I love so much and who I have no doubt loves me too. We have a very open and honest relationship. We tell each other everything (at least I do and assume he does too!) He truly is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. 

I also have an amazing family. My dad's side is a little lacking (my grandfather was not a very nice person. Short version.....he left my grandmother behind in Hungary, divorced her and told my dad she was dead when he was 4. She finally found him 15 years ago through the red cross.) My mum has 7 brothers and sister and they are all very close. I love spending holidays at my grandma's since it's always a little crazy when everyone is together.  I also have a few good friends. My husband says I'm too picky in making friends, but to me what it comes down to is I'd rather have a few good friends who I trust and can rely on instead of a whole bunch of friends who aren't there for me. 

While I'm sad this pregnancy didn't work out, I know things happen for a reason. I've also realized that life has a funny way of working itself out. We are going through this hard time now, but will one day look back and be grateful for all we have been through to get us where we are. This experience has taught me a lot. I'm not a very patient person and as my sister pointed out to me yesterday, if our next pregnancy is successful I'll have been pregnant the same amount of time an elephant is.....18 months! I know one day we will have a healthy baby and I'm trying very hard to be patient. I'm also very much a planner. I'd told my friends before we started trying for a baby how frustrating I found the whole process. You have no control! It's completely out of your hands when you fall pregnant. You can start trying and get pregnant that first month, or it could take a few years. You can't plan and I've had to accept that.

I'll end here but I thought I'd add a picture of our pet. My husband has a pet dander allergy so this was our compromise. 

Miss Prickles.....the hedgehog :)

I've miscarried (a warning that it might be graphic)

I'm pretty sure the doctor's were right. There was a sac but no baby. The bleeding got a little better in the morning and wasn't clotting at all but around 9pm I started bleeding quite a bit. It felt like I was in labour. I miscarried at around 12:30 am (not quite an hour ago.) I'm a little concerned because I've never had a miscarriage before and don't know how much blood in normal. I'd assume it's like after giving birth but I've already gone through 2 pads. I'm staying up to keep an eye on it since my doctor told me if I start bleeding heavily (going through 3 pads an hour) then go to the hospital. I've also still got pretty bad cramps that make me stop what I'm doing and just hold my stomach (almost like REALLY bad menstral cramps.)

While physically I've been better, emotionally I'm ok. As sad as I am to see this pregnancy end I'm happy my body finally did what it was supposed to. I take a lot of comfort in knowing there wasn't a baby. Having gone to the ultrasound at what should've been 8 weeks was really a blessing. As stressful as these past 2 weeks have been at least we know the truth. If we can get through losing Hailey we can get through this. I  wholeheartedly believe that as sad as miscarriages are, they happen for a reason. I'd rather lose a baby now as hard as it is then have to go through another stillbirth further into the pregnancy.

I'm writing this a few hours later. I stopped writing and went to check on the bleeding. It was really bad. I didn't even have time to switch pads without getting blood everywhere so my husband took me to the hospital. The drive is less then 5 minutes away and by the time I got there I had soaked through the new pad. The first hour we were there I went through 5. The nurses where really great and when we saw the doctor he did a CBC (to check my hemoglobin to see if I needed a transfusion) and a group and screen (incase I needed a transfusion.) Over the 2.5 hours we were there the bleeding started slowing down and since my hemoglobin was within normal ranges they let me go home with instruction to come back if I start getting lightheaded or feel like I'm going to pass out. This means Daniel gets the job of watching me for the day just to make sure I don't pass out! They've also told me to keep my ultrasound appointment to make sure there is nothing left behind. When we got home I e-mailed my sister because I knew she was in blood bank this morning to let her know what happened. I guess she didn't read my e-mail because she called at 7am asking if I was ok. She was clearing papers from last night and noticed my name. This is exactly why I sent the e-mail so she wouldn't have to panic and worry. Oh well she now knows everything should be ok. I should also add that when we got home I passed what I believe is a baby. My husband thought it was strange that I was trying to get a good look at this huge clot but I'm pretty sure I can see a tiny umbilical cord. The fetus seems to be wrapped in this strange large red thing I can only assume was supposed to be the placenta. All I can see is a little bit of white in the middle so I don't know for sure if this is the fetus or something else. I've kept it because I didn't feel right just flushing it down the toilet. I'm going to bury it near one of our bushes today.

Besides being really tired I'm doing surprisingly ok. I think this has to do with us knowing for the past 2 weeks we may lose this pregnancy and with the bleeding for 4 days I had time to prepare for what was most likely going to happen. Dan and I have decided we are going to wait the full 3 months before trying again. I really want to give my body a rest and let it heal itself.  We will definitely be more careful and diligent in making sure we don't become pregnant for a few months as we feel it is important for this break now. I know one day we will have a healthy child. I'm hoping with all that we've been through it has made us realize just how amazing a baby/child can be. We will never take for granted how lucky we will be when we one day get to take our baby home from the hospital :)

The ER doctor said since we've a pregnancy with a birth defect and a miscarriage we can go for genetic testing if we wanted. He suggested I talk to my GP after the scan. I don't think we will yet. We'll give pregnancy one more go before we worry about genetics. Hopefully both these experiences are a one time deal.

still bleeding

As the title says I'm still bleeding. I took yesterday off work because I was worried I might miscarry and really didn't want it to happen at work. I also phoned my doctor's office about my scan they were booking to ask if it was still necessary. My doctor phoned me yesterday evening to ask what I assume is normal questions with bleeding during pregnancy. What kind of bleeding/ how much? Any cramping? Basically it sort of looks/feels like a period. There's been a few very small clots and I haven't really had much cramping. She told me if the bleeding gets really bad or I start getting painful cramps then go to emerg, otherwise she wanted me to come in at 9:30 this morning.

I saw her briefly today and she pretty much asked me the same questions again. My scan had already been booked for Thursday the 19th so she said if nothing changes then go to the scan. Either way I will most likely have this scan. I haven't miscarried yet and sometimes you need a D&C. I'm very undecided about this. After what happened with Hailey I'd decided from then on I would leave everything up to God.  They wouldn't do one until they did a scan and were sure there was no live baby, but I don't know if I could take that chance. Eventually my body must end the pregnancy naturally right? 

I guess what it comes down to is I'm still in limbo. 4 things can happen. I will miscarry naturally and the scan will show there is nothing left of the pregnancy, I will miscarry but still need a D&C because there's something left behind, I don't miscarry and need a D&C because my body sucks and can't deal with it on it's own or........... I don't miscarry and at the scan there's a healthy baby and heart beat.

I know this last one is against all odds but I've always said after Hailey I don't trust odds. Hailey's defect is not very common. It happens, but when you do the ratio of HLHS to the number of pregnancies a year the odds are incredibly low. For this reason I will keep faith that this pregnancy still has potential however small that chance may be. Deep down I know what will probably happen but I will not lose faith that this could work out. 

spotting

I know I've done a lot of posts the past couple days but this is also my way of keeping track of what happens and when. Last night after much debate my husband convinced me to have sex. I know this may sound odd but with this pregnancy I've noticed my cervix is less tolerant. Due to my past cervical issues I always bleed when I have a pap smear done. With this pregnancy there's been a few times I've also bled after sex. Pretty much any time my cervix is touched I've started spotting, including the ultrasound. (Sorry if this is TMI!)

I woke up this morning and when I wiped after peeing there was brown blood. I know this means dried blood and with last night I wasn't too worried. As the morning progressed the brown blood turned to red spotting. I only worked until noon today so when I got home I just stayed in bed and watched t.v. When I did go to the bathroom I noticed 3 small (very small) clots at different times through the day. I'm not bleeding a lot and it seems to switch between brown and red. I've only told my husband and one friend this as I don't want to worry my mum and sister since there is nothing that can be done if I am going to miscarry. I'm still hopeful though. I've known a lot of women who have had some sort of bleeding during their pregnancy's and it turns out ok. (The friend I told had bleeding all the way through her last pregnancy with her daughter.) I know the odds are against me, but I refuse to give up hope.  I will continue to believe this pregnancy can work out until I fully miscarry or hopefully, give birth.

I did tell one new person what was going on. My cousin and her husband (who now live in the US) who are both pastors. I e-mailed her last night to ask for her to pray for us and this baby. I also wrote that I do not plan on telling the rest of my family (besides her mum, who I'm very close with after we scatter Hailey's ashes) until I am at least 16 weeks.

I also wanted to say a huge thank-you to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. I should hopefully get a call from my doctor tomorrow with a scan date (and fingers crossed the spotting stops.) Hope everyone is having a good week.

Back from Dr's appointment

I just got back from my appointment with my GP.  She was horrified that the ultrasound tech told me I would start bleeding. She said they are NEVER allowed to say that. I now will definitely be complaining. She also had to call and have a report faxed over even though my scan was a week to the day. Here's what was written in the report:

LMP: 05-Jun-2010
ASSIGNED GA: 6W 1D
SONOGRAPHIC FINDINGS: Single Fetus
IMAGING: scan quality satisfactory (I knew the scan quality wasn't good since they turned the contrast down instead of getting me to empty my bladder)
COMMENT: No CRL seen, no YS seen.
IMPRESSION: An intrauterine pregnancy is identified. By mean sac diameter, there is a 2 week discordance in dates. However, there is also neither fetal pole nor a yolk sac seen on today's scan. My suspicion is that this represents a missed abortion. However, it is worth giving this pregnancy the benefit of the doubt. Suggest repeat examination in 1 week. (After talking to my husband who had no idea what a missed abortion meant I feel I should clarify. A missed abortion basically means a missed miscarriage. The baby has stopped growing but my body hasn't realized yet.)
BEST EDD: 28-Mar-2011

When my doctor came back in, she sat down next to me and read it out. She also told me she has seen this before and women have gone on to have healthy babies from the pregnancy. She asked if I'd like to go back to that hospital and I said no. She's going to try to book a scan in a week with my local hospital.

Keeping the hope alive :)

Loss group last night

I have my appointment with my GP in an hour and am looking forward to hopefully having a little bit more information about what's going on. I'll update as soon as I get back.

On a different note Dan and I went to our neonatal loss support group last night. This was only our second meeting since we meet once a month. This time there was just us and one other couple. Near the end of the meeting I told them and the counsellor what we've been going through this past week because although I'm so happy to potentially be pregnant again but there's still that guilt about moving forward from our loss with Hailey and feeling as though she is going to be replaced. After the meeting was over, we stood out in the parking lot for a good 15 minutes chatting. They showed us pictures of their stillborn son and shared that they had just found out they too were pregnant! I was nervous about sharing what we were going through with the group in fear that they would look down on us for becoming pregnant again so it was nice to not be alone. They then said the other couple who were there last week is pregnant as well! All 3 couples who attend regularly are pregnant and due early 2011! With the other lady that attends the group occasionally who is 28 weeks we've just turned the group from neonatal loss to pregnancy after loss! Dan always looking at things a little differently told me when we got home how horrible it will be for the next couple who joins having to see a room full of pregnant women. I just hope we never have to have another couple join although deep down I know it will happen to someone else soon enough.

I wrote a blog last week and wanted to attach pictures of Hailey but I can't find out how to do it yet. I've added pics before but have turned clueless as to how I did it. I also thought I should warn people that my next post will most likely have pics of her.

Feeling more positive

I called yesterday to make an appointment with my GP since I still have no idea what is actually going on and couldn't get one until Tuesday the 10th! She'll then book another ultrasound as long as I haven't miscarried by then. I was feeling kinda down about this but my husband said it could turn into a good thing. The longer we wait for the second scan the more likely they will see the baby and the heart beat. He's such a glass half full kinda guy!

I went to a clinic the night we got back from the hospital hoping to get some answers. He was really great. Tried to reassure me and told me he'd order whatever tests I wanted done. All I wanted was the HCG level and he called me the next day to say it came back between 6-7 weeks which means there's a very good possibility I am just 6 weeks and couldn't see anything yet because bean was too small :)

As positive as I'm being I still panic over every ache and pain I get. I've had to promise myself I'd limit going to the bathroom to check for blood for when I really need to go. As positive as I am I just can't get out of my head how certain the ultrasound tech was that we'd lose this pregnancy. I'm wondering if it's just our luck that we will have some sort of problem/worry with every pregnancy. Hopefully all will be well and we've gotten it out of the way nice and early. Bring on the healthy pregnancy and baby!

Am I being punished?

I've been writing a lot of posts today but I'm all over the place. I just feel like I'm being punished for something. Despite our decision I do believe in God. I do believe that ending the pregnancy was wrong in His eyes but I felt like I was doing the right thing for Hailey. Now I'm questioning that. I'm just so tired of hearing bad news. When is it going to be our turn? When are we going to have a good pregnancy? Are we ever going to have kids of our own or will be have to adopt?

No one seems to know the right thing to say. Everyone keeps saying the wrong thing and I keep getting frustrated. My husband's trying to be positive but I just can't. After all we've been through I can't think the best and get hurt again. I'd rather think the worst and have everything work out against the odds. The first person I told was my mum and she just kept saying "it'll happen when it's supposed to." I believe this but why? Why do we have to go through all this? Couldn't we just take a year to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy and baby instead of a year of bad news and losses? I told my sister who didn't really know what to say. Which is probably the best response I've gotten. I went to the lab to get blood tests done and got the girl I had told when I found out I as pregnant for support to take my blood. I knew she had a blighted ovum that they found at 13 weeks so I was asking her about it. It wasn't much help though. Then she said "oh you should come to my house and look after my 2 year old for a few hours. That'll make you want to wait to have kids!" Not at all what I wanted to hear. I'd love to have a 2 year old. I'd love to have a baby. I'm sure I wouldn't appreciate it if we hadn't been through all this but I'd love a colicky baby at the moment. I JUST WANT A BABY. My baby and I hate how people say that expecting me to suddenly say "your right having kids just isn't worth it after hearing about your grumpy 2 year old." I told my Dad tonight. He didn't know I was pregnant and he said "I'm sure it'll all work out in the end." What the hell is that supposed to mean? I hate when people say this. We heard that SO much with Hailey before we had the echo and only knew there might be a problem. Well it didn't work out in the end. I know too well that it doesn't always work out.

I guess the question I'm having a hard time with is: Will I ever hold my live baby or did I miss my only chance? The worst part is I'm not most upset about how this pregnancy is doing. More then anything I just miss Hailey.

I'm emotionally a wreck. I can't stop crying. One minute I'm thinking positive the next I'm going to the bathroom checking for blood. How did my life change so drastically? How did my life become so crappy? I thought the first couple years of marriage were supposed to be the best not the most trying. Daniel is trying to be supportive but there isn't really anything he can say to make this or me better. I feel like such a failure.

Back from scan.....

Well it's not good news. They did an internal scan (which is not fun by the way) and at first I got excited because I thought I could hear a little heart beat. The sonographer was training so there was the trainee and trainer in the room. I didn't really know what to look for but they kept the picture on this round dark circle which I'm assuming was the sac. After the trainee was done the trainer took over and had a go. She then asked me if I was sure about my dates. My reply was yes. She then ended the ultrasound and said they would go speak to a doctor and come back. I knew it wasn't good. I told my husband I was pretty sure it was an empty sac (blighted ovum.) The ultrasound tech came back and told me that there's a sac measuring 6 weeks. I would most likely miscarry, but the doctor suggested I come back in 10-14 days because sometimes it is just dates being off. She then said "but don't be surprised if you start bleeding before then" and walked out the room. LOVELY! I was so surprised with how blunt she was and the lack of compassion. I don't know if this was because of ending our last pregnancy, but we've never had such a lack of caring at the hospital before.

I don't know what to do right now. Part of me wants to be positive that it could still work out, but the more I think about the past couple weeks the more I know deep down it's over. Here's why....

1) I had a positive preg test at what I thought would be exactly 4 weeks. The line was very faint but going off the ultrasound I should've just conceived which I'm pretty sure means the test should've been negative.
2) I had an HCG done at what should've been 4 weeks +4 days and the levels were in the 400's which my doctor put at 4-5 weeks. Could my levels have been that high if I was really just 2 weeks + 4 days?
3) I don't feel pregnant. I've had no morning sickness and besides being more hungry and the positive tests I haven't had any other pregnancy symptoms.

I went to a walk in clinic when I got home and asked them to do an HCG level. He was a little bit more reasuring saying that the ranges vary so much for HCG that it might not mean the worst and if I'm 6 weeks sometimes there's not much baby to see on the ultrasound yet. This has given me a little bit more hope. Up until seeing the doctor I wasn't planning on going back for the ultrasound. I figured I'd just wait to miscarry. Now I'm contemplating going back. I'll make an appointment with my family doctor hopefully for Friday and see what she says. All I know is that I don't want to have a D&C unless absolutely necessary. I'd rather miscarry naturally. I think part of this is in hope that they are wrong and I'll be 15 weeks and feel the quickening. I feel like I'm going crazy and just don't know how to feel or act. I just wish I could crawl into a cave for a few months and be by myself. I was actually starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was starting to believe it was possible to have a healthy baby.

I'll keep you updated when I know more.

It's a few hours later and my HCG level from this afternoon is already online! 9473 which would put me at 6-7 weeks. This doesn't help me with my confusion.

Leaving soon

I'm leaving to head to the hospital soon. This morning has just flown by. I just came on to look up directions (since the hospital is a couple hours away) and it seems like every time google maps gives a new way to get there! Gotta head off, have a quick pee (probably TMI! I hate having to drink so much water and then try to hold it!!!) and pick up Daniel from work. Getting excited!!!!!

Patiently waiting for tomorrow.....

In less then 24 hours we'll know how this baby is doing! I'm trying to be optimistic and I really do feel like everything will be ok. I've joined a few groups online for pregnancy after loss and termination for medical reasons. They've been really great and have helped so much. This I feel is the reason I've been feeling better and more optimistic. There's about 6 people on the pregnancy after loss group who have lost babies at different stages from HLHS. It's great to see them ahead of me having their echo's and scans and having everything turn out good. I know this doesn't mean it will for me, but it gives me hope to see that it really does turn out sometimes :) I still haven't had any morning sickness either! I nearly was sick today but that was my own fault. I went golfing with my mum this morning and was late leaving the house so instead of eating something I gulped down a glass of milk. BAD IDEA! Drinking milk quickly on an empty pregnant stomach does not leave you feeling all that well. I guess lesson learned!

On another positive note I'm going to pick up my grandmother's dog from the vet in an hour. They don't know what it was except she had pancreatitis (which really just means inflammation of the pancreas) so who knows how she got it but as long as she is doing better that's all that matters.

I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound tomorrow. I'm going back to the same hospital we had the others and where I delivered Hailey so that will be hard but hoping for a turn in our luck. I've heard you can get pictures from ultrasounds as early as 8 weeks and I've been contemplating getting them. I don't think I will though. I just don't feel right going and paying for the pictures, giving the receipt to the ultrasound tech and assuming it will all go well. These are the times when it doesn't for me. I'd rather see a baby with a good heart rate then have pictures. Maybe I'm just paranoid but as long as it works out I don't care why or how.

I'll update as soon as I can tomorrow!!!!!!