Why does life never stay good?

My husband's co worker had a baby last week. She put pictures up on facebook and it was too much for me to look at. She was due 6 weeks before me. I'm so angry and hurt with the world. I hate to say this, but why us? How come everyone around us can have healthy happy babies and we were the 1 in 10 couples the province sees a year with HLHS. What did we do wrong?

Here's the thing. It seems like when life is going great something happens to knock me down. When I was 17 I moved to England. My grandmother was a war bride and I went over on a 4 year UK ancestry visa. My plan was to stay for 4 years and then apply for citizenship. Everything was going well and I came home for a holiday just under a year after I left. I was on anti-anxiety meds at the time and went to the doctor for a refill. She decided since I hadn't had a physical done for a while she would do one. I went back to England and got an e-mail 3 months later saying my pap had come back abnormal and because my mum had a hysterectomy at 38 from cervial cancer she wanted to do more testing. I was back home a month later and seeing a specialist. The first doctor I saw I will never go back to again and have since heard other stories about him. I had a biopsy done which he said was nothing serious and I had cryotherapy (they freeze the abnormal cells off). I thought it was no big deal and started making plans to go back to England. At my 3 month follow up they found a problem and this time I went to a different doctor who I really liked as he was completely honest with me and I'm the type of person that likes to know as much as possible medically. When the biopsy results came back he told me the abnormal cells were actually stage 4 pre-cancerous cells. We did the LEEP procedure to burn off the cells but he told me to be prepared because if it didn't work these cancer cells were changing quickly and my next 3 month follow up it would be cancer. Thankfully he was amazing and managed to get all the cancerous cells. All my paps since have come back normal.

This story is an important part of my life because since meeting my husband I've gone to the Dr for my yearly check up wondering if this is the year we find out we waited too long to have kids. I know one day the cancer will come back and I too will likely have a hysterectomy. I'm ok with this. I just hope it happens after we are done having kids. I was telling my husband somewhere around 14 weeks that I was so happy we made it past 13 weeks because I was feeling like life was too great. I was so happy and felt like I had it all. A fantastic husband and family, a house we can afford and raise our kids in, a job I love and our first baby on the way. I just knew things were going too well. And 4 weeks later everything came crashing down and I was at the lowest I've ever been.

I miss Hailey so much. I just wish I could hold her again. See her smile at me. Watch her sleep. It feels so wrong to have this baby growing inside of me when I should still have a 35 week belly with Hailey. I hate that I can't enjoy this pregnancy. I wait for every milestone to pass but it'll never get easier. It's just on to the next thing to worry about. I worry about miscarrying before 13 weeks, then I'll worry about the 18 week ultrasound and what that will show. Then I'll worry about the ultrasound they'll do later in the pregnancy. Then I'll worry about the baby being stillborn, and if we make it to delivery I'll worry about all that can go wrong with childbirth. Then we'll bring the baby home and I'll worry that they've missed something for the first month because a lot HLHS is undiagnosed and they don't find it until the baby turns blue from lack of oxygen a few days old. After that I'll worry about SIDS. I don't think I'll ever be a laid back parent anymore. After having something like this happen you realize that all these things do happen and they could happen to you. At the moment I'm trying to take it one day at a time and I have to say I'm so thankful I don't have morning sickness or really any pregnancy symptoms as I find that I'm able to put it at the back of my mind and not think about being pregnant, however this worries me too because if I'm not having any symptoms other then a missed period am I really pregnant?