Fight with husband

I'm getting really tired of writing "my husband" all the time so I'm just gonna start calling him by his name, Daniel. Now that that's out of the way I found out I have a follower! I didn't set up this blog expecting to be followed and my husband is the only one who knows I'm doing this blog. I've asked him not to read it and I do believe he will respect that. I started this blog for 2 reasons. I felt I needed to be able to write down how I was feeling without worrying about upsetting someone. I also wanted to write this in the hopes that maybe one day someone who has been through something similar will stumble across it and see that how they are feeling is ok and in some way similar. So back to the fight. I started cooking dinner and decided to read her blog at the kitchen table with my laptop. Some of the similarities are scary! She had a daughter with HLHS also named Hailey *so sorry to read it didn't work out :(* and she is due again in January. I was so focused on reading her blog that I managed to burn dinner and asked Dan to finish cooking! I don't think he appreciated this. I was still reading when he was dishing up dinner so he came over and shut my laptop. I got really angry and started yelling and saying a few harsh words and also started crying when I had a few words thrown back! He's voiced his concerns before and we've had this argument before about how he thinks I'm becoming obsessed with HLHS children and stories. I've gotten better, but I do admit I was pretty bad when we first found out and after we came home from the hospital. I know why I do it. We never got to find out how Hailey's story would go. I read stories about families who have lost their children to HLHS and sometimes I'm so glad we made the choice we did when I hear about how much some babies suffer so much, but then there's the stories of children doing well. I keep in touch with a family in Eastern Canada who's son is 2 and has had the first 2 surgeries. I started talking to her when we first heard the diagnosis and have talked to her throughout making our decision and still keep in touch now. I see how well this boy is doing (and by well I mean well for HLHS.) They have scary moments, but so far he has weathered his way through them. These stories make me wonder if we made the right choice. I guess I just really hate the not knowing. I also hate that I never got to hear her cry or have her look at me even for a few brief moments.

This then came around to how much I've changed. He wants his old wife back. The fun, talkative, carefree wife he had 4 months ago. I thought I was getting better and socializing more. Apparently I'm not doing a very good job hiding how I'm really doing. At least not with my husband. He's right. We don't really talk. I don't know what to say to him. I'm sure he's hurting too but he never shows it and I feel so isolated. Like I'm the only one going through this and at the same time we are going through different things. I'm coming to terms with making a decision I don't know if I believe was right. If he hadn't suggested ending the pregnancy it wouldn't have crossed my mind and I would still be pregnant with Hailey and looking forward to spending whatever precious time we are able to have with her. How do I talk to him about that? I know he feels guilty for pushing me in that direction and I can't say it's ok. I want him to feel something or at least show that he's feeling something. I've seen him cry once about Hailey and that's when he had a few too many drinks. When I said I would go along with ending the pregnancy I warned him I didn't know how I would handle it. I couldn't tell him at the time how I would feel or if I could get over it. That was a risk he said he was willing to take because he felt so strongly that was what was best for her. I sometimes wonder if looking at where we are now he would still feel that way. I worry about bringing another child into our lives. We are still dealing with our own issues surrounding losing Hailey and I really worry if we'll make it as a couple.

On a slightly more positive note..... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow! I'm pretty sure this one is just to see how I'm feeling and if I'm having any morning sickness (which so far I'm not!!!!!!) I also have my first scan on Tuesday and am VERY excited for it. I had a really bad sharp pain on friday go across my stomach. I was at work and it just happened so quickly and it was so worrying. The pain lasted a few seconds, left and came back for another few seconds. I was SO sure I was going to miscarry. I can't describe what this felt like except I've never felt anything like that before and it felt so wrong. No blood and I haven't had cramping since then so I have no idea what it was but with every day that passes I worry a little less. I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound on Tuesday to put my mind at rest.