Memories

I've been back at work for over a month now and it's been a while since I've had to stop and a good cry. It's funny how things happen sometimes that make bad things a little easier. I told one of my coworkers yesterday that I was pregnant again when it was quiet. We talked about how I was happy but scared and how this pregnancy just sort of happened unexpectedly. I don't want to justify ending the pregnancy. Hailey means so much to us. I really wish things could've been different, but in a way my being pregnant makes it easier. This baby growing inside me wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost Hailey. I go back and forth about my feeling with this because although it's true, I sometimes wish I could switch. I wish I could just start over with Hailey and she gets another chance. Am I a horrible person/mother for this? Wishing that I could replace this hopefully healthy baby with Hailey? For this reason I'm hoping for a boy. If it's another girl then that's fine too. I just feel emotionally it would be easier for us, but in the end I don't care. I just want and healthy baby. In telling her how I was feeling it gave her a better understand about how to comfort me an hour later.

So back to the yesterday. My friend's mum came in. I've known this girl since primary school and although we haven't talked since we left high school her mum still recognizes me. Seeing her was REALLY hard. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I actually saw her the day of my first ultrasound. My husband couldn't get the time off work so my mum and I were sitting in the clinic waiting to be called in when she came in and said hi. We talked for a few minutes about how I was doing and when the baby was due. Then I went and had the ultrasound done. Seeing her brought back so many memories. I had to explain to her why I was no longer pregnant, which as much I it sucks I've done it enough that I'm ok talking about it. What I couldn't handle was thinking back to that day. She was literally the last person to ever see me happy. My life changed forever 30 minutes after seeing her. I want the old me back. I want to go back to being the pregnant and carefree women who thought my biggest worry was picking things for the nursery and if I should find out the sex. I think back to how stupid I was. How naive I was to think that everything works out after you've made it past 13 weeks. It makes me so sad to think how much my life has changed since that day. I'm not the same person and I never will be. I just want my baby back and I'm torn about how I'm supposed to feel because I wish every day things could've been different with Hailey. Then I feel guilty because if things had been different then I wouldn't be pregnant with a different baby. So many mixed emotions and pregnancy is just intensifying them.

I've noticed it's been getting harder as I'm getting closer to my due date. I could barely look at an 8 month old today and was SO thankful he didn't cry because I don't think I could've held myself together. I'm also scared. I go for my early ultrasound (at 8+1 weeks) in less then a week and I've just come to realize that I've yet to have an ultrasound that I left feeling good. All my ultrasounds have been bad news and I've always left crying. Really hoping things turn around on Tuesday. All I'm really hoping for is a heartbeat. From what I've read if there's a heartbeat at 8 weeks then your risk for miscarriage goes down to 3 percent. Those are good odds but I've also done odds before and landed on the less then 1 percent so will be holding my breath. Just taking it 1 milestone at a time. All I'm worried about at the moment is miscarriage. I'll worry about birth defects after I've made it past 13 weeks.

Really hoping I'll get to write some happy news next week.