Support group

Last night my husband and I went to a neonatal loss support group. I'd talked to the organizer a few times but we didn't really know what to expect. When we spoke I told her how I was worried about the other couples reactions to hearing we chose to end the pregnancy. She told me that I could say as much or as little as I wanted. We started off by going around the room couple by couple and saying a little bit about what brought them there. 3 couples including us where there last night. The first couple lost their daughter a few hours after she was born due to complications from labour. The other couple found out their son had the cord around his neck when she was close to her due date and he was stillborn. And then there was us. At first I just said we'd found out on the 18 week ultrasound that she had a heart problem and at just under 24 weeks she was stillborn. It was all I could say at the time in between tears. Later on I started to feel more comfortable and I really liked them, especially the couple who lost their daughter. I felt like I needed to say the full story because I didn't want to go through a few months of "our daughter was stillborn" and then suddenly "well yes she was stillborn, but they stopped her heart and we made the decision." We found that both couples seemed to be ok with this. I felt like the couple who had the stillborn where a little more apprehensive and that they most likely went home and talked about us and our decision. The other couple who lost their daughter after birth I feel like they understood more. We were faced with the situation they had to deal with. Watching your baby slip away and die hours after giving birth. I think we connected more with this family also because these were both our first pregnancies and the other couple both have children from previous relationships.

The difficult part will be what happens when/if I have to say I'm pregnant. I hope and I think they will understand where we are coming from. These people are the only ones who can really understand the feeling of having a baby taken away from you and that pain of wanting another but not wanting to forget the baby you lost. Again this is where the 2 couples differ. They both told us that the autopsy takes 5 months for the results. The couple with the stillborn said that they wanted to wait for the results to make sure it wasn't genetic because if it was they would adopt instead. I then said that for us we felt it would be better to be pregnant before we get the results because if it was genetic there is only a chance it would happen again and that might be enough to deter us from trying. I don't think they really understood this and the counsellor stepped in and reminded them that Hailey was our first child and they both had children.

All in all I felt it was a good night. I'm looking forward to going back and talking with people who although they don't fully understand what we are going through (and none of us fully understand since we all had different circumstances) do understand the pain and feelings associated with losing a baby.