Doctor's visit

I went to the doctor today. I cried! She asked me how I was feeling and honestly there's a whole bunch of emotions. So here we go.

I'm scared- I don't know if I'm ready to go through this all again. I'm scared that something bad will happen to this baby too. I'm scared that because we got pregnant so quickly my body hasn't had time to heal and something bad will happen again.

I feel guilty- We lost Hailey just over 2 months ago and already I might be pregnant. I feel like life has just moved on too fast and I don't want people to think she didn't mean anything to me. She did. She meant so much to me and I love her and miss her little kicks :)

I'm nervous about having a miscarriage. I've been able to put the possible pregnancy out of my mind this week, but it's still a possibility. I don't know how I would handle that. I like to think I would be ok and know that it just wasn't right and it's out of our control but I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to lose another baby.

I'm excited- I've been trying not to be. I don't want to get my hopes up but this is what we've always wanted and we are potentially one step closer to that goal. I'm excited at being pregnant and I now know that I have to enjoy every minute of it because it can all go to hell so quickly.

I'm embarrassed- I hate that I'm not supper excited about being pregnant again. I'm embarrassed that I had to tell the doctor we weren't trying to get pregnant but we didn't use a condom once. It makes me feel stupid because I know better and I knew what not using a condom could mean. That's were the mixed emotions come from. That night I knew what I was doing. I knew I should've used a condom but I felt so sad and missed being pregnant so I didn't use one. I'm sure my husband felt the same way. So am I surprised if I'm pregnant? Not really I knew what I was doing and that it would be a possibility. Did I think it would actually happen? Not really!

My doctor told me that I most likely am, but if I wanted she would do an HCG level and I made an appointment to see her on Monday. I went for the blood test today and I actually know someone who is a tech at the hospital so I had it done there and I should hear from her shortly. The doctor also told me if I am she would schedule an early ultrasound ( she did not define early.) She didn't think it would show any abnormalities but I told her I'd really like the HCG test because I'm having a hard time excepting it. I think she wants to reassure me that everything is ok and for me to see the baby. I really do appreciate this effort. She also told me that it's ok if I am pregnant. The main reason why they tell you to wait 2 cycles to get your level of folic acid and hemoglobin back up. Since I kept taking the prenatal vitamins and the delivery went well she said it doesn't increase the chance of anything. I still have the same odds as any other pregnant person. I did mention that she'd have to refer me when I'm 8 weeks to the hospital for my 18 week ultrasound because they would do an echo at the same time and the waiting list is roughly 10 weeks.

So now I sit and wait to hear the results. I'm also contemplating if I should tell my mum. I've told my sister (she lives with us) because she was home when I took the test and she could see from my face that something was wrong. I've also told 2 friends that I might be because I know that I'll need their support and to talk during the next 14 weeks. My mum though, she took what happened with Hailey really hard and I don't want to worry or stress her. I almost feel like the less time she has to think about the upcoming ultrasound the better. So if we wait to tell her when I'm 14 weeks she only has a month to worry and then she only worries about the ultrasound and not a possible miscarriage.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.