Bad things happening

So we've had quite a few bad months recently. We ended up giving our hamster away in February after it chewed a hole through it's cage and also through the carpet. My friends were thinking of getting a hamster so we gave them all we had but warned that we had her for nearly 2 years and could tell she was slowing down. They sent me an e-mail the night before we went in to end the pregnancy to say they found her that morning dead in her cage. It was to be expected as she was fully grown when we got her and they don't live long. For the next month or so I was worried about the saying that things happen in 3's. First the hamster, then Hailey. What or who would be next? My dad phoned a few weeks ago to say that my sister's cat who was living with him was really sick and the vet suggested putting her down. As sad as this was I was also relieved since this would be our number 3 and I was so worried it would be one of my grandmother's. Then 2 weeks ago we had a BBQ at our place to celebrate 1 uncle's 50th birthday and the 60th of an aunt. Well at this BBQ a different uncle had a stroke. He's doing really well now and is pretty much back to normal except for a few minor differences. He was VERY lucky.

My sister is away for the weekend and has left her cat with us. This cat normally stays at her boyfriends place but since they are both gone we get to look after her. I'm really happy to have her but the cat is a bengal and worth about $1000! I just imagine all the things this kitten can get into. I convinced Daniel to order chinese food tonight and asked if we could stop off at my mum's since my sister left tickets that she asked me to drop off. She lives with my grandmother and looks after her. When we arrived there was a big commotion in the kitchen and it turns out my grandmother's dog, Muffin was really sick. She was very lethargic, wouldn't move at all, was having trouble breathing, had vomited a few times and was bleeding from her bum. I wrapped her in a towel and my mum drove to the vet hospital. I was holding her like a baby and the whole way she was just looking up at me with these terrified eyes. I just kept telling her it would be ok and I was thinking why is this happening? All I could think about was how if we had kept going with the pregnancy the trips we probably would've made with my baby in my arms trying to comfort her. The vet thinks she was poisoned since her tongue was pale and blue. When we got home we looked found another vomit patch and sure enough there was were a couple solid pink pieces (rat poison.) My mum and grandma have never had rat poison in the house and didn't even know what it looked like so we're thinking some sick person threw it in the backyard since that's where we found her.

They are keeping her overnight but it doesn't look good. She has a very slow heart rate, so slow that they couldn't take blood from her because her circulation was so bad. I'm expecting when we said goodbye that it'll be last time we see her. When will our luck turn around? I'm hoping it will on Tuesday. I just need some good news. I don't have much hope with our past. I REALLY REALLY hope things with this baby are good.

Fight with husband

I'm getting really tired of writing "my husband" all the time so I'm just gonna start calling him by his name, Daniel. Now that that's out of the way I found out I have a follower! I didn't set up this blog expecting to be followed and my husband is the only one who knows I'm doing this blog. I've asked him not to read it and I do believe he will respect that. I started this blog for 2 reasons. I felt I needed to be able to write down how I was feeling without worrying about upsetting someone. I also wanted to write this in the hopes that maybe one day someone who has been through something similar will stumble across it and see that how they are feeling is ok and in some way similar. So back to the fight. I started cooking dinner and decided to read her blog at the kitchen table with my laptop. Some of the similarities are scary! She had a daughter with HLHS also named Hailey *so sorry to read it didn't work out :(* and she is due again in January. I was so focused on reading her blog that I managed to burn dinner and asked Dan to finish cooking! I don't think he appreciated this. I was still reading when he was dishing up dinner so he came over and shut my laptop. I got really angry and started yelling and saying a few harsh words and also started crying when I had a few words thrown back! He's voiced his concerns before and we've had this argument before about how he thinks I'm becoming obsessed with HLHS children and stories. I've gotten better, but I do admit I was pretty bad when we first found out and after we came home from the hospital. I know why I do it. We never got to find out how Hailey's story would go. I read stories about families who have lost their children to HLHS and sometimes I'm so glad we made the choice we did when I hear about how much some babies suffer so much, but then there's the stories of children doing well. I keep in touch with a family in Eastern Canada who's son is 2 and has had the first 2 surgeries. I started talking to her when we first heard the diagnosis and have talked to her throughout making our decision and still keep in touch now. I see how well this boy is doing (and by well I mean well for HLHS.) They have scary moments, but so far he has weathered his way through them. These stories make me wonder if we made the right choice. I guess I just really hate the not knowing. I also hate that I never got to hear her cry or have her look at me even for a few brief moments.

This then came around to how much I've changed. He wants his old wife back. The fun, talkative, carefree wife he had 4 months ago. I thought I was getting better and socializing more. Apparently I'm not doing a very good job hiding how I'm really doing. At least not with my husband. He's right. We don't really talk. I don't know what to say to him. I'm sure he's hurting too but he never shows it and I feel so isolated. Like I'm the only one going through this and at the same time we are going through different things. I'm coming to terms with making a decision I don't know if I believe was right. If he hadn't suggested ending the pregnancy it wouldn't have crossed my mind and I would still be pregnant with Hailey and looking forward to spending whatever precious time we are able to have with her. How do I talk to him about that? I know he feels guilty for pushing me in that direction and I can't say it's ok. I want him to feel something or at least show that he's feeling something. I've seen him cry once about Hailey and that's when he had a few too many drinks. When I said I would go along with ending the pregnancy I warned him I didn't know how I would handle it. I couldn't tell him at the time how I would feel or if I could get over it. That was a risk he said he was willing to take because he felt so strongly that was what was best for her. I sometimes wonder if looking at where we are now he would still feel that way. I worry about bringing another child into our lives. We are still dealing with our own issues surrounding losing Hailey and I really worry if we'll make it as a couple.

On a slightly more positive note..... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow! I'm pretty sure this one is just to see how I'm feeling and if I'm having any morning sickness (which so far I'm not!!!!!!) I also have my first scan on Tuesday and am VERY excited for it. I had a really bad sharp pain on friday go across my stomach. I was at work and it just happened so quickly and it was so worrying. The pain lasted a few seconds, left and came back for another few seconds. I was SO sure I was going to miscarry. I can't describe what this felt like except I've never felt anything like that before and it felt so wrong. No blood and I haven't had cramping since then so I have no idea what it was but with every day that passes I worry a little less. I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound on Tuesday to put my mind at rest.

Memories

I've been back at work for over a month now and it's been a while since I've had to stop and a good cry. It's funny how things happen sometimes that make bad things a little easier. I told one of my coworkers yesterday that I was pregnant again when it was quiet. We talked about how I was happy but scared and how this pregnancy just sort of happened unexpectedly. I don't want to justify ending the pregnancy. Hailey means so much to us. I really wish things could've been different, but in a way my being pregnant makes it easier. This baby growing inside me wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost Hailey. I go back and forth about my feeling with this because although it's true, I sometimes wish I could switch. I wish I could just start over with Hailey and she gets another chance. Am I a horrible person/mother for this? Wishing that I could replace this hopefully healthy baby with Hailey? For this reason I'm hoping for a boy. If it's another girl then that's fine too. I just feel emotionally it would be easier for us, but in the end I don't care. I just want and healthy baby. In telling her how I was feeling it gave her a better understand about how to comfort me an hour later.

So back to the yesterday. My friend's mum came in. I've known this girl since primary school and although we haven't talked since we left high school her mum still recognizes me. Seeing her was REALLY hard. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I actually saw her the day of my first ultrasound. My husband couldn't get the time off work so my mum and I were sitting in the clinic waiting to be called in when she came in and said hi. We talked for a few minutes about how I was doing and when the baby was due. Then I went and had the ultrasound done. Seeing her brought back so many memories. I had to explain to her why I was no longer pregnant, which as much I it sucks I've done it enough that I'm ok talking about it. What I couldn't handle was thinking back to that day. She was literally the last person to ever see me happy. My life changed forever 30 minutes after seeing her. I want the old me back. I want to go back to being the pregnant and carefree women who thought my biggest worry was picking things for the nursery and if I should find out the sex. I think back to how stupid I was. How naive I was to think that everything works out after you've made it past 13 weeks. It makes me so sad to think how much my life has changed since that day. I'm not the same person and I never will be. I just want my baby back and I'm torn about how I'm supposed to feel because I wish every day things could've been different with Hailey. Then I feel guilty because if things had been different then I wouldn't be pregnant with a different baby. So many mixed emotions and pregnancy is just intensifying them.

I've noticed it's been getting harder as I'm getting closer to my due date. I could barely look at an 8 month old today and was SO thankful he didn't cry because I don't think I could've held myself together. I'm also scared. I go for my early ultrasound (at 8+1 weeks) in less then a week and I've just come to realize that I've yet to have an ultrasound that I left feeling good. All my ultrasounds have been bad news and I've always left crying. Really hoping things turn around on Tuesday. All I'm really hoping for is a heartbeat. From what I've read if there's a heartbeat at 8 weeks then your risk for miscarriage goes down to 3 percent. Those are good odds but I've also done odds before and landed on the less then 1 percent so will be holding my breath. Just taking it 1 milestone at a time. All I'm worried about at the moment is miscarriage. I'll worry about birth defects after I've made it past 13 weeks.

Really hoping I'll get to write some happy news next week.

sharp pain

I'm nearly 7 weeks now. I will be in 2 days. This pregnancy has been completely different so far. I still feel great in the morning and really all times of the day. No morning sickness. With Hailey I was worried about the cramps I was having from weeks 4-14, this time I've gotten them very rarely. My only real pregnancy symptoms are needing to pee lots, being hungry all the time (I feel into the trap last time and ate whatever I wanted "because I was pregnant" and still need to lose a bit of weight, so this time I'm eating more fruits and veggies) and I'm exhausted. Is it normal to want to go to bed at 6pm?

Yesterday morning at around 10am I was at work and suddenly got this really sharp pain that went across my stomach. It didn't last more then a few seconds and happened twice. I was so sure I was miscarrying but so far no blood and I haven't had much pain since. I guess I'm a little worried about ectopic pregnancy. If I go off what a normal cycle is, conception should have taken place on June 20th. We had sex on the 18th. I know sperm can survive for 2 days, but it just seems so unreal and really lucky. I just worry that the sperm made it to my fallopian tubes and waited till the egg appeared and stuck there. Maybe I'm just stressing for no reason. I'm really looking forward to my early ultrasound on Aug 3rd. 10 days away!!!!

I'm starting to worry about how attached I'm becoming to this pregnancy. I really have high hopes now. I guess in a way I feel like this baby is our chance at happiness. This baby will never replace Hailey, but I know that if we would've continued with the pregnancy I would still be pregnant with Hailey and this baby would not be here. I really think I'll be devestated if I miscarry. It's interesting though because I know that the heart has already begun to develop but I'm not worried about that. I'm stressing about miscarrying instead. Maybe I'll worry about the heart when we get past the 13 week mark. I also think that because I've decided we'll carry on with the pregnancy if we get another HLHS diagnosis I'm less worried. There won't be a decision to make. We've already dealt with being given that shocking news that I think I'm more prepared this time for the possibility.

Fingers crossed all goes well.

Why does life never stay good?

My husband's co worker had a baby last week. She put pictures up on facebook and it was too much for me to look at. She was due 6 weeks before me. I'm so angry and hurt with the world. I hate to say this, but why us? How come everyone around us can have healthy happy babies and we were the 1 in 10 couples the province sees a year with HLHS. What did we do wrong?

Here's the thing. It seems like when life is going great something happens to knock me down. When I was 17 I moved to England. My grandmother was a war bride and I went over on a 4 year UK ancestry visa. My plan was to stay for 4 years and then apply for citizenship. Everything was going well and I came home for a holiday just under a year after I left. I was on anti-anxiety meds at the time and went to the doctor for a refill. She decided since I hadn't had a physical done for a while she would do one. I went back to England and got an e-mail 3 months later saying my pap had come back abnormal and because my mum had a hysterectomy at 38 from cervial cancer she wanted to do more testing. I was back home a month later and seeing a specialist. The first doctor I saw I will never go back to again and have since heard other stories about him. I had a biopsy done which he said was nothing serious and I had cryotherapy (they freeze the abnormal cells off). I thought it was no big deal and started making plans to go back to England. At my 3 month follow up they found a problem and this time I went to a different doctor who I really liked as he was completely honest with me and I'm the type of person that likes to know as much as possible medically. When the biopsy results came back he told me the abnormal cells were actually stage 4 pre-cancerous cells. We did the LEEP procedure to burn off the cells but he told me to be prepared because if it didn't work these cancer cells were changing quickly and my next 3 month follow up it would be cancer. Thankfully he was amazing and managed to get all the cancerous cells. All my paps since have come back normal.

This story is an important part of my life because since meeting my husband I've gone to the Dr for my yearly check up wondering if this is the year we find out we waited too long to have kids. I know one day the cancer will come back and I too will likely have a hysterectomy. I'm ok with this. I just hope it happens after we are done having kids. I was telling my husband somewhere around 14 weeks that I was so happy we made it past 13 weeks because I was feeling like life was too great. I was so happy and felt like I had it all. A fantastic husband and family, a house we can afford and raise our kids in, a job I love and our first baby on the way. I just knew things were going too well. And 4 weeks later everything came crashing down and I was at the lowest I've ever been.

I miss Hailey so much. I just wish I could hold her again. See her smile at me. Watch her sleep. It feels so wrong to have this baby growing inside of me when I should still have a 35 week belly with Hailey. I hate that I can't enjoy this pregnancy. I wait for every milestone to pass but it'll never get easier. It's just on to the next thing to worry about. I worry about miscarrying before 13 weeks, then I'll worry about the 18 week ultrasound and what that will show. Then I'll worry about the ultrasound they'll do later in the pregnancy. Then I'll worry about the baby being stillborn, and if we make it to delivery I'll worry about all that can go wrong with childbirth. Then we'll bring the baby home and I'll worry that they've missed something for the first month because a lot HLHS is undiagnosed and they don't find it until the baby turns blue from lack of oxygen a few days old. After that I'll worry about SIDS. I don't think I'll ever be a laid back parent anymore. After having something like this happen you realize that all these things do happen and they could happen to you. At the moment I'm trying to take it one day at a time and I have to say I'm so thankful I don't have morning sickness or really any pregnancy symptoms as I find that I'm able to put it at the back of my mind and not think about being pregnant, however this worries me too because if I'm not having any symptoms other then a missed period am I really pregnant?

appointment for early ultrasound

My doctor's office just called and gave me an appointment for my early ultrasound. We go to the hospital on August 3rd. I'll be just over 8 weeks and they will then set up my ultrasound/echo at 18 weeks. This of course is assuming that all goes well and I don't miscarry.

It's hard because I'm starting to get excited about the pregnancy and I don't want to. I don't want to get excited and then miscarry or get excited and have hope if I do make it past 13 weeks. With the last pregnancy we learned that so much can go wrong. I'm just going to stay positive and hope for the best.

Support group

Last night my husband and I went to a neonatal loss support group. I'd talked to the organizer a few times but we didn't really know what to expect. When we spoke I told her how I was worried about the other couples reactions to hearing we chose to end the pregnancy. She told me that I could say as much or as little as I wanted. We started off by going around the room couple by couple and saying a little bit about what brought them there. 3 couples including us where there last night. The first couple lost their daughter a few hours after she was born due to complications from labour. The other couple found out their son had the cord around his neck when she was close to her due date and he was stillborn. And then there was us. At first I just said we'd found out on the 18 week ultrasound that she had a heart problem and at just under 24 weeks she was stillborn. It was all I could say at the time in between tears. Later on I started to feel more comfortable and I really liked them, especially the couple who lost their daughter. I felt like I needed to say the full story because I didn't want to go through a few months of "our daughter was stillborn" and then suddenly "well yes she was stillborn, but they stopped her heart and we made the decision." We found that both couples seemed to be ok with this. I felt like the couple who had the stillborn where a little more apprehensive and that they most likely went home and talked about us and our decision. The other couple who lost their daughter after birth I feel like they understood more. We were faced with the situation they had to deal with. Watching your baby slip away and die hours after giving birth. I think we connected more with this family also because these were both our first pregnancies and the other couple both have children from previous relationships.

The difficult part will be what happens when/if I have to say I'm pregnant. I hope and I think they will understand where we are coming from. These people are the only ones who can really understand the feeling of having a baby taken away from you and that pain of wanting another but not wanting to forget the baby you lost. Again this is where the 2 couples differ. They both told us that the autopsy takes 5 months for the results. The couple with the stillborn said that they wanted to wait for the results to make sure it wasn't genetic because if it was they would adopt instead. I then said that for us we felt it would be better to be pregnant before we get the results because if it was genetic there is only a chance it would happen again and that might be enough to deter us from trying. I don't think they really understood this and the counsellor stepped in and reminded them that Hailey was our first child and they both had children.

All in all I felt it was a good night. I'm looking forward to going back and talking with people who although they don't fully understand what we are going through (and none of us fully understand since we all had different circumstances) do understand the pain and feelings associated with losing a baby.

I'm pregnant

I went back to the doctor today and she confirmed that I'm 5 weeks pregnant. She asked me if I'd like to have an early ultrasound done at 8 weeks. It wouldn't show any heart defects yet but she offers it to patients who have had pregnancy complications in the past. I should be getting a phone call soon with an appointment date. I will also be going back in a week and half for a physical.

I'm feeling better about the pregnancy. I've come to except that it's out of my control and I'm just going to enjoy being pregnant while I am and whatever happens will happen either way.
Tonight we are going to a neonatal support group. I'm not sure what to expect. I hope it'll be helpful.

Doctor's visit

I went to the doctor today. I cried! She asked me how I was feeling and honestly there's a whole bunch of emotions. So here we go.

I'm scared- I don't know if I'm ready to go through this all again. I'm scared that something bad will happen to this baby too. I'm scared that because we got pregnant so quickly my body hasn't had time to heal and something bad will happen again.

I feel guilty- We lost Hailey just over 2 months ago and already I might be pregnant. I feel like life has just moved on too fast and I don't want people to think she didn't mean anything to me. She did. She meant so much to me and I love her and miss her little kicks :)

I'm nervous about having a miscarriage. I've been able to put the possible pregnancy out of my mind this week, but it's still a possibility. I don't know how I would handle that. I like to think I would be ok and know that it just wasn't right and it's out of our control but I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to lose another baby.

I'm excited- I've been trying not to be. I don't want to get my hopes up but this is what we've always wanted and we are potentially one step closer to that goal. I'm excited at being pregnant and I now know that I have to enjoy every minute of it because it can all go to hell so quickly.

I'm embarrassed- I hate that I'm not supper excited about being pregnant again. I'm embarrassed that I had to tell the doctor we weren't trying to get pregnant but we didn't use a condom once. It makes me feel stupid because I know better and I knew what not using a condom could mean. That's were the mixed emotions come from. That night I knew what I was doing. I knew I should've used a condom but I felt so sad and missed being pregnant so I didn't use one. I'm sure my husband felt the same way. So am I surprised if I'm pregnant? Not really I knew what I was doing and that it would be a possibility. Did I think it would actually happen? Not really!

My doctor told me that I most likely am, but if I wanted she would do an HCG level and I made an appointment to see her on Monday. I went for the blood test today and I actually know someone who is a tech at the hospital so I had it done there and I should hear from her shortly. The doctor also told me if I am she would schedule an early ultrasound ( she did not define early.) She didn't think it would show any abnormalities but I told her I'd really like the HCG test because I'm having a hard time excepting it. I think she wants to reassure me that everything is ok and for me to see the baby. I really do appreciate this effort. She also told me that it's ok if I am pregnant. The main reason why they tell you to wait 2 cycles to get your level of folic acid and hemoglobin back up. Since I kept taking the prenatal vitamins and the delivery went well she said it doesn't increase the chance of anything. I still have the same odds as any other pregnant person. I did mention that she'd have to refer me when I'm 8 weeks to the hospital for my 18 week ultrasound because they would do an echo at the same time and the waiting list is roughly 10 weeks.

So now I sit and wait to hear the results. I'm also contemplating if I should tell my mum. I've told my sister (she lives with us) because she was home when I took the test and she could see from my face that something was wrong. I've also told 2 friends that I might be because I know that I'll need their support and to talk during the next 14 weeks. My mum though, she took what happened with Hailey really hard and I don't want to worry or stress her. I almost feel like the less time she has to think about the upcoming ultrasound the better. So if we wait to tell her when I'm 14 weeks she only has a month to worry and then she only worries about the ultrasound and not a possible miscarriage.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Pregnant?

First of all I should say that yes there is a chance I might be pregnant. The night before the wedding my husband and I had quite a bit to drink and decided against using a condom. Having done the math after it was right around the time I would normally be ovulating, although who knows when that is since it was my first cycle after giving birth. I haven't had anything to drink since that night!

This past week I've been really irritable which I've put off as PMS and my sister asked me if I was pregnant on Sunday because I've had a really crappy short term memory. I knew there is a chance I am. Well if my cycle is back on track I was supposed to get my period Monday. It's now Wednesday and am still waiting. I decided to take a pregnancy test and both tests have come up positive. I'm having a hard time at the moment believing I am pregnant though.

I know every pregnancy is different and I do have some of the same symptoms I had last time. The main one that worried me for 13 weeks was the cramping that felt like menstral cramps. I remember going to the washroom every few hours expecting to see blood because of how bad they were. I haven't had that at the moment. I also don't know how I feel if I am pregnant. I'm having a hard time believing it and if it is true I'm going to have a hard time excepting it.

My main concerns are that my HCG levels are still high enough post pregnancy to give a positive result. Because I haven't had 2 cycles in a row to reference how long apart they are I might just be late (before I got pregnant with Hailey I was always the same day and time each month.) However my sister is a Lab Tech and says that your levels should drop quite quickly after you've delivered. I now wish I had taken a test earlier to see if it was negative to be sure. I also had spotting last week.

I'm worried about what being pregnant means. I shouldn't have gotten pregnant yet. The doctor's told us to wait 2 normal cycles before trying again to give my body time to heal. I haven't even had one normal cycle if I am. I asked my friend today how long she waited before getting pregnant after her miscarriage at 13 weeks and she said she miscarried in July, they did the D&C in August and she was pregnant by October. This makes me feel better because she too only had one period before conceiving. I also have to believe that if your body wasn't ready you wouldn't get pregnant, but I know it's not ideal.

I've made a doctor's appointment for Friday and am hoping she will do an HCG to see how far along I am and to see if my levels are rising, falling or staying the same. So at the moment I'm in a bit of shock at the possibility I might be pregnant and am no where near excepting it. All I know for sure is that if I am we will just have to move forward and whatever's meant to be will be as it's now out of our control.