My worst day

I couldn't sleep last night and just kept thinking about our whole experience these past 2.5 months. I asked my husband what the worst day for him was and he said it was the day we went into the hospital and stopped her heart. That was a pretty terrible day for me as well. The night before I was so upset I couldn't stop crying. All I could think about was that this would be the last night I'd feel her kick. I'm crying now while I write this! I just wanted time to stop. For us to wait however many years with her safely inside until they discovered a cure. I didn't want to fall asleep because I wanted to get as much time with her as possible. My husband and I lay there for hours with our hands on my stomach just waiting for her to kick next. I spent time at my mums that night too and her and I did the same. I can't even describe what you feel sitting in the hospital waiting to be called or signing papers giving them permission to end your child's life while you can feel her moving and kicking. I was a lot calmer then I thought I would be for that procedure. I thought I would need someone to hold me still and I was worried about scaring my mum and sister. They asked me where I wanted everyone as I could only have 1 person at my head and the rest at my feet. As much as I love my husband I wanted my mum. Mum's have a way of knowing what you need to hear and she kept me calm telling me it was for the best and we'd get through it together. Yes that was a horrible day, but for me it wasn't the worst.

Most people would think the day she was born would be the worst. It's not even in the top 5. I think of that day and smile. I got to hold my baby. I got to tell her I loved her so much and say to her that we will miss her and how much we did want her. We got to compare her features, decide who she looked like. I will always cherish that day and the short time we got to see her.

My worst day was the day we first went to the hospital to have an echo done. When the tech told me after my first ultrasound that there may be a problem I never imagined it would be that bad. I hate how oblivious I was to the possibilities. I knew it was bad, but I thought it would mean a few hard months and she would be better. That maybe we had to keep a closer eye on her. I didn't consider that babies could survive in womb with a fatal defect. Hearing that my daughter essentially had half a heart was the worst thing I've ever heard and the lowest I've ever felt. I told my husband when we first found out I was pregnant that our lives would change forever. I never imagined just how much. That day was another turning point in our lives. All our hopes and dreams for our daughter were gone. We'd never be able to teach her to ski (she wouldn't have enough oxygen saturation to be on a mountain), we'd never be able to travel or go see my husbands family again (we wouldn't be able to get medical insurance for travel) but worst of all our child would have a difficult life. She would live with a large scar on her chest, she could never hang upside down, she could never experiment with drugs/drinking/smoking (none of which I condone, but teens will be teens,) she would always be on medication for her heart and the list just goes on. (I know these things are pretty insignificant in the long run but try telling a 5 year old they aren't allowed to do a handstand or a 9 year old they can't go on the roller coaster with their friends.) That for me was the worst day. That was the day all our hopes and dreams for her and our family came crashing down. That was the day our lives truly changed forever.