Australia

We've been in Australia for a week now. It's been pretty hard. I keep going back to how great this trip was supposed to be. I was going to be coming home 31 weeks pregnant and the next time we saw his family we'd be introducing Hailey. Instead we brought our little girl over in an urn. (We didn't have any problems at the airport or with customs.) We spent the first week in Darwin with my husbands extended family. I had such a great time there. I got my first period on Tuesday. I was a little surprised since 2 weeks ago I had cramping and spotting so I figured that was it and that my next cycle would be a normal one. Good thing I came on the trip prepared. It always happens on holidays!

It makes me anxious though because now there's the reality of trying again. Like our decision with Hailey I go back and forth. I just really don't know if I'm ready. I want a baby so much, but I want Hailey. I'm not sure how I'll cope being pregnant again with a different baby. My husband and I have different ideas of what 2 normal cycles means. Originally I wanted to start trying so bad that I said we'd start after I get my second period. Now that I've gotten the first I told him last night we should wait 2 more months because this is the start of cycle and the last time bleeding wasn't a cycle it was from giving birth. I guess we have another month to talk about it. I'm thinking at this stage we may stop using condoms next month but not really try. After our experience with Hailey and really trying to get pregnant I think we will leave it up to fate. If we aren't pregnant in 6 months then we may go back to trying.

I've also noticed the past couple days that my anxiety is coming back. My doctor had put me on anti anxiety meds 3 years ago because I was getting dizzy, fainting and shaking. After doing tests she couldn't find a reason and with my past depression/anxiety issues she decided to try the lowest dose and it stopped the symptoms. I stopped taking them the day I stopped taking birth control as instructed by my doctor. Hopefully counselling and the support group will help.