To those who judge

I haven't come across anyone who's said anything to me about our decision. I am selective in who I tell what to. If I feel like I will be judged I simply say she was stillborn (which she was.) I hate having to do this because I'm not ashamed of our decision. So to those who judge I thought I would write this.

Many people for religious or other reasons would feel that we were wrong in our decision. To you I say:
I am pro choice, however I never would have imagined I would EVER chose abortion. In any other circumstances I wouldn't. I live with what happened every day and it kills me. It was not an easy choice and we agonized over our decision. Finding out your child has a birth defect is heartbreaking enough. To find out your child has a fatal birth defect is devastating. She was not an accident and was SO much wanted. What made us decide on this decision is knowing she would be in pain. I felt and still do feel it is unfair for a child to have to suffer for 2 days when there is no hope. If you think a miracle could happen you are wrong. She had half a heart. God made her that way for who knows what reason but she would never have survived.

We did not take the easy way out. No one wants to hold their dead child. It pains me that I never got to hear her cry, that she never looked at me, that I never got to see her eyes. We did this for her. WE are suffering so she didn't have to. We saved her from experiencing any pain. If I thought she would be in pain during the abortion I wouldn't have gone through with it. My husband watched as they placed the needle into her heart and watched it stop. She didn't react at all to any of it. I take so much comfort in knowing this.

I do believe in God and if this decision means I am going to hell, then at least I am going to hell knowing my child never had to suffer. I felt like I was in hell from the moment we found out she wouldn't make it. I LOVE HER AND ALWAYS WILL.