29 weeks

How far along? 29 weeks
Baby's size? Squash
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 178.8 Up 30.2 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Pretty good at the moment. This baby doesn't sit on my bladder so I never wake up to pee, it's more waking up to readjust and get comfortable.
Symptoms: Nothing really
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Nothing
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Continuing with the group

It's been an uneventful week for the most part. I'm pretty sure I've now torn that muscle in my stomach. While at work one day I stood up to take a patient to the back and as I was walking away our appointment book was about to fall down so I half turned and leaned to grab it. I felt the pull and what I can only describe as a tear and pop feeling. It was incredibly painful for a few hours and now the dull pain is a constant. Nothing I can really do about it though so I just suck it up and move on with my day. Some days are better then others. Although it constantly hurts the more I move and do things the more it hurts by the evening. Tuesday it hurt so much I had to get Dan to tie my shoes. I must've tried 5 times bending over, sitting down, every possible position to tie them but it hurt way too much. Most of the time the pain is manageable but I do still worry how I'm going to be able to push a baby out. My hospital doesn't do epidurals very often which I was happy about with Lauren but this time it'll be interesting because I have a feeling it'll be needed the closer I get to my due date.

Weight wise I'm feeling ok with it. I don't think I'll gain as much as last time and if I do it'll be in different areas. I still fit into my medium pants but I've switched to a large just because it's more comfortable belly wise. When I switched with Lauren it was because my thighs were getting too big, although I did start this pregnancy 12 lbs lighter. I also notice my face and arms aren't as "fatty" as they were with Lauren. I'm carrying this pregnancy very different to Lauren and Hailey so I feel like the weight is mainly belly. We shall see though.

Emotionally I'm doing ok. Still going to the group and I have nothing but positive comments to say about it. I just wish it were as easy as it has been for me to find the appropriate help and I recognize how lucky I am to have all these avenues open at no out of pocket cost.

28 weeks

How far along? 28 weeks
Baby's size? Eggplant 
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 178.6 (I'm pretty sure that scale can't be right or I've gained nearly 6lbs in a week!)
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Getting better. I still wake up a few times throughout the night but it takes me less time to fall back asleep.
Symptoms: Nothing really
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Nothing
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Continuing with the group

I had my doctor's appointment Tuesday at the maternity clinic. She confirmed the pain in my uppper left stomach was muscular and there's nothing we can do about it. It was a pretty uneventful appointment. The only issue is that I'm measuring 26 weeks. Not a big deal if I was supposed to be 27 weeks at the time. I'm trying not to focus on this but it doesn't leave me feeling very good. Although I've given in to the whole due date thing and am going with what the doctors tell me it still plays on my mind. It is 100% impossible to get a positive pregnancy test 2 days after I ovulate. I worry that something's wrong with the baby and that's why the dates are off but I'm trying not to focus on this. I told Dan that I'm just going to give in and assume that I'm some wierd freak of nature. Maybe I had a super rare superfetation (I ovulated a second time after already being pregnant but lost the first baby) that's the only thing I can think of at this point. I'm trying really hard not to google what measuring 2 weeks behind your due date means. Hopefully it's just because this baby is sitting REALLY low so it's not stretching out my uterus as much as "normal".

The perinatal depression group is going well. I'm doing well, besides getting a cold. Ugh I hate colds while pregnant. Currently drinking hot water, lemon and honey. 

27 weeks

How far along? 27 weeks
Baby's size? Cantaloupe 
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 172.8 Up 24.2 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Getting better. I still wake up a few times throughout the night but it takes me less time to fall back asleep.
Symptoms: Nothing really
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Nothing
Best moments this week: First week of the group (more on that soon)
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Continuing with the group

It's been a while since I've updated. Everything is going well except I've been exhausted lately. Dan has decided to do ski patrol this year and is currently going through his first aid training. It's done over 6 weeks, full days so that means at the moment I'm on week 4 of not sleeping past 6 am since Lauren wakes up when he gets up. I try to have a little nap with her when she sleeps and tend to sleep for about 30 minutes before getting up and enjoying some quiet time to myself. Lately that hasn't really been happening much as that "quiet" time has been spent cleaning and doing housework. There's an end in sight and as long as he passes the first aid he'll only be gone one day every other weekend.

I had my doctors appointment (GP, not maternity) last Thursday and she was happy with the progress and the things I've put in place to keep myself off anti depressants for the time being. I've been working on the therapy and this week started a group therapy for perinatal depression. It's an 8 week course that gives you skills on coping with depression in a group setting to share your experiences and know you're not alone. I'm the only one in the group currently pregnant but that's ok with me.  It wasn't until I arrived that I realized one of the 2 nurses doing the group is the same woman who ran the perinatal loss group. It was great to catch up with her. 

Just from this first week I've learned so much and have been feeling better that my symptoms are "normal" and I'll get through them. I've been trying to figure out why the depression started this pregnancy. Really I think it's more anxiety that causing depression and I think it may have to do with the miscarriage. Traumatic experiences can trigger depression and anxiety. We all know I've had a few of those these past few years with Hailey and my other 5 pregnancies. If I really think back it all started around the time I had the hemorrhage at 10 weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if that triggered the memories and feeling from my last miscarriage which to me was very traumatic. I think back and I had gone to the hospital worrying about my health already excepting that I've lost the baby. Now here I am in that same pregnancy still dealing with the after effects of that day which would be the large clot. I've still so many unanswered questions and concerns but I don't think anyone can really answer those. It's just a wait and see and I'm not good at dealing with the unknown. I've also put in place that there will be help for the first few months with the baby. Dan will only be taking a week off when s/he comes. Then my mum will take the time off until his parents arrive in February. My doctor and I left it that I'd come see her again if I felt the need (she wanted to see me more often but I said that I felt like I'd know when and if I needed to see her again, plus I'm being seen by the mental health nurse). I also have to make an appointment 2/3 weeks post birth to see how I'm doing mental health wise. She did warn me that she'd be on holidays all of January but I love the replacement doctor so I'm totally ok seeing her instead.

I have an appointment with the maternity clinic Tuesday. I really want to mention the pain in my left side. I've had this pain for quite a while and haven't mentioned it yet. I stopped walking to work months ago because it became too painful to walk home and now I've started being in pain a few hours into my 5 hour shift. I'm not looking to go off work any time soon, I just want to know what it is, if there's anything I can do to reduce the pain and make note so when I do feel it's too much they're willing to take me off work. It makes me a little sad. I have my maternity leave set up as my due date and really thought I'd be able to keep working until then but those days that I work, if I don't rest and do very little in the afternoon I'm hurting so much at night that I just want to cry. I couldn't even scoop ice cream the other night it hurt that much. It's always in the same spot and I really think it's muscular so I doubt there's anything that can be done unfortunately. It also has me concerned about the labour. How am I going to push a baby out if I'm in this much pain? I have a feeling I'll be getting an epidural or begging for a c section which I would prefer not to have.

I'll try hard to keep updating more frequently. I was doing well for so long but these past few weeks have been really busy. Can't believe i'm nearly in the last trimester of my LAST pregnancy!!!!!!!

24 weeks

How far along? 24 weeks
Baby's size? Cantaloupe 
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 169.0 Up 20.4 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: Getting better. I still wake up a few times throughout the night but it takes me less time to fall back asleep.
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE. I've switched to my nursing bra's already
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Talking with my GP
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Starting the "homework" for my GP

Since the doctors don't want to change my due date I'm just going to stick with what they say and my official due date is January 12th which means I turn 24 weeks on Sunday. Althought I've gained weight this week I'm a little surprised since my pants are so much looser then the were even last week. My belly has definitely grown this week and Dan actually pointed out how big it's gotten lately last night. I think I am still loosing weight in other areas like my legs and thighs etc. but putting it on where it counts, the stomach.

After my last post on Tuesday I called my GP's office Tuesday morning and saw her Wednesday afternoon. I actually saw her student first and explained that I was put on anti depressants by the maternity group last week and when I tried to talk to them about how I was feeling after reading the warning sheet given with the prescription, especially about not being able to breastfeed I was completely blown off and told not to worry about it. She asked what I was put on (Effexor), why I was put on them (feeling down, not sleeping and hardly eating) and what my concerns with the specific medication was ( the affect on the baby and breastfeeding). She then said we could definitely switch to something safer in pregnancy, her suggestion was prozac but she was going to speak with my doctor and double check it was safe for breastfeeding. She went across the hall and I heard them talking and looking through books for 10-15 minutes before she came back in and said they'd be able to switch me to another medication but want me to fill out an evaluation of how I'm feeling first. After filling it out they said I was moderately depressed and pretty much on the borderline of wether to treat with anti depressants or try alternative therapies. They gave me the option and I asked to try the therapy first. She told since I was on the lowest dose of effexor (37.5mg) to take them every second day for a week to wean myself off and not have as many withdrawal symptoms. She then gave me 2 websites that I have to go, print off worksheets, fill them out and take them back to my next appointment in 2 weeks. These sheets are supposed to help me train myself to get out of my depression when I feel it coming or am having a bad day. I've been so busy with my grandmother visiting that I haven't had the chance to go to the websites yet but here they are:

get.gg and moodgym.anu.edu.ca

She also encouraged me to go to the perinatal depression group as they would likely be giving strategies on how to cope too. She will be sending a letter to the maternity group letting them know that I will be seeing her throughout my pregnancy and she will be dealing with all aspects of my mental health but leaving the pregnancy to them. Of course eventhough my appointment is in 2 weeks I'm to come back immediately if I feel I'm not coping going off them and we will start another safer prescription. 

All and all I'm really happy with this and so thankful I came to see her. I've been wondering if my depression really was bad enough to treat with anti depressants as some days I feel fine yet others I am very down. I try to stay away from drugs as much as possible and would much rather at least give this a try first before resorting to them. I'm fully aware I may need to go on them now or at a later date but at least I know I did all I could to avoid it.

Dr. Appointment

I can't sleep. All I can think about is my doctor's appointment I had yesterday afternoon. It was with the same doctor I had my last official appointment with who I didn't really like. I don't want to see him again. Here's how the appointment went:

I came in to the appointment with 4 questions:
1- switching to a breastfeeding friendly anti depressant
2- the clot over my cervix
3- due date
4- gestational diabetes screen

I asked about the clot over my cervix first. He made me feel like it was such a stupid question to ask. My question was basically if this clot (which he said was big) is over my cervix will I still know if my water breaks or I have more bleeding? Is this going to be able to pass around or through the clot. Basically the short answer was obviously yes.

Second I asked about my due date. I asked what the ultrasound measured the baby at and he said that the report said the baby was measuring 20 weeks 4 days, which isn't what the tech told me. I said ok I just wanted to check because those dates mean I got a positive test 2 days after I ovulated. He got out the pregnancy wheel chart and started looking at it. While he was I told him I got a positive test on April 22nd. He said "Are you sure it was April?" I said yes I ever double checked and wrote it down before coming here. I also informed him that this due date would mean my hcg was over 9000 at exactly 5 weeks. He seemed very confused, looked at the wheel again and said oh well, we're sticking with this due date. So as of right now my due date is still January 12th.

He actually mentioned the diabetes screen and I asked if I could do the 1 hour instead of 2 because I don't want to take Lauren with me and can't find a morning that I'm free to be able to do it. He was fine with this and gave me a requisition telling me if it was high I'd have to go for the 2 hour. Finally a question that I was happy with the answer!!!!!!!

Lastly, the switching of meds. I didn't even get around to asking to switch. I mentioned how I was concerned that the pamphlet said I shouldn't breastfeed on these antidepressants and he told me not to worry about it, that the benefits far outweighed not being on them. At the time I took this to mean I could still breastfeed while on them and the benefits of breastfeeding outweigh not breastfeeding, even on these meds but now I'm not sure. Was he really saying not to worry about breastfeeding and that being on these meds are more important then breastfeeding? I don't really like either answer. It wasn't until after coming home and thinking about it some more that I realized I don't want to breastfeed if it's potentially harmful to the baby. I'm not going to put the baby at risk, it's in the pamphlet for a reason. It doesn't even say it's not recommended it says DON'T. Breastfeeding is really important to me and I will breastfeed this baby. Honestly I already have a ton of guilt just taking these meds, to add not being able to breastfeed on top of that heartbreaking. I've been up most of the night crying over this and have decided to go to a walk in tomorrow and switch to Zoloft. If they refuse, I'll stop taking them all together and see how it goes.

After all the questions were done he did my blood pressure then I laid down for him to measure my stomach and check the heartbeat. He found the heartbeat pretty quickly but kept listening for a while. Eventually he asked me if the baby had been moving around lots. I said yes it had been moving earlier. He said oh ok, cause it's racing at the moment, had I drank coffee recently? No I had not. He said he was going to listen a little longer to see if it would go down and eventually it did and he was happy with this. This kind of scares me. Should we not be concerned the baby's heart rate was really high, even if it did eventually go down, especially with me starting new meds one week ago? I'm hoping it was just high from the stress I was under due to me not liking his answers to the majority of my questions.

I'm going to phone the midwife group I was with during my last miscarriage and see if I can switch to them. If I can't I'll phone the clinic back and see who my next appointment is with and ask to make it with someone else if it's him. I don't want to see him throughout my whole pregnancy. The woman I saw who initially gave me the prescription told me I'd need to be monitored more closely and to come back after 2 weeks to see how I'm doing. This doctor just gave me a prescription for another month (after asking me if I wanted to increase the dose, I said no!) to make it to my next appointment.

23/24 weeks

How far along? 23/24 weeks
Baby's size? grapefruit/ canteloupe 
Weight gain: starting pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 167.6 up 19lbs gained .2 this week
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup definitely. 
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy.
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: I rarely sleep at the moment
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE I'm going to have to use my nursing bras soon.
Food aversions:I haven't felt like eating much
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Nothing really
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Mondays doctors appointment

I'm almost a week into starting my anti depressants. While I'm not physically feeling any better I am a little emotionally. The meds themselves haven't caused this, it's because I feel like I'm heading in the right direction to feeling better and getting help. This alone has made me start to feel better. I still have bad moments but I can talk myself out of them knowing they aren't going to last forever and hopefully much longer. 
I've really tried eating more this week. Last weeks nearly 1.5 lb weight loss made me realize I need to pay more attention to my eating habits until I'm feeling better. 

I have my doctors appointment Monday and have so much to talk about. Here's the list I can think of at the moment:

-Switching anti depressants to something breastfeeding friendly
-talking about what exactly the clot covering my cervix means ie. if my water breaks, bleeding etc
- glucose tolerance test
- FINALLY HAVING A DUE DATE!!!!!

I think that's it?

23/22 weeks

How far along? 23/22 weeks
Baby's size? grapefruit/papaya
Weight gain: starting pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 167.4 up 18.8lbs, I've lost 1.4lbs this week 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup definitely. 
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy.
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: I rarely sleep at the moment. Maybe a few hours a night in short bursts.
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE I'm going to have to use my nursing bras soon.
Food aversions:I haven't felt like eating much, but that's emotional not pregnancy related.
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Nothing really
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Feeling better

It's been a rough week. I spent a long time talking to Dan last night and decided I needed to see the doctor and go on anti depressants. I called my gp to make an appointment this morning and the earliest I could get in was Wednesday (I hate the receptionist, who makes someone, especially someone pregnant wait nearly a week to talk to the doctor about going on anti depressants?) so I called the maternity clinic and they fit my in at 11 this morning. I spoke to her and just said I don't know why I feel this way, there's nothing going on that would set it off. I've felt it coming on for the past few months but I thought it was connected with the ultrasound/echo and leading up it was definitely getting worse. Since it's only gotten more intense. The anger I had and have for Dan wasn't the cause of the depression, it was me feeling like my cries for help were going ignored.
I talked to the doctor about how the anti depressants could effect the baby and she said that there has been talk that it may cause chromosomal abnormalities and congenital defects (which I knew it was possibly connected with CHD's) but she says since I'm past 20 weeks and have had a great echo recently chances are it'll all be fine. In the end I need to be healthy before this baby is born. I need to be in an ok place or it'll only get much worse postpartum. I have another appointment on the 16th to see how it's going and if we need to increase the dose. She told me to call or come back anytime if I feel the need to. She also contacted our local mental health office and they called this afternoon already. They're comfortable with my support system I have in place and are setting me up with a peri natal depression support group. He told me they're on holidays for a couple weeks so it may be a few weeks before a meeting but I can drop in any time and speak with someone right away if I need to. I'm starting on the lowest dose and I know if can take 4-6 weeks to feel better physically and emotionally. 

I'm so thankful to have a supportive family and a system in place to handle this. 
One more check mark for possibly a boy? Man this baby is playing with my hormones like neither of my other 2 did!!!!!