It was a busy weekend but she most definitely was not forgotten. On Thursday Lauren and I went to the florist and ordered our flowers. They were closed on Sunday and Saturday was too busy for us so I asked to pick them up the next day. I ordered what I've ordered for the past 3 years, something bright with pink and preferably with 3 pink roses. I picked up the flowers Friday and was not disappointed. Lauren's loved smelling them while they sit at the centre of our kitchen table.
Saturday I worked until 1 while Dan stayed home with Lauren. We were going to a birthday party in the afternoon so I was really hoping she would be asleep when I got home but nope, Dan says she refused to sleep for him (I think he's really just a softy and doesn't want to have her upset at all). She thankfully slept for 30 minutes on the drive to the party.
This party was a really important one for me. This party proves to me just how far I've come and I never thought I'd be at this point so soon. Saturday, the day before Hailey's 3rd birthday I went to a birthday party for a little girl who's going to turn 3 tomorrow. It was bittersweet being at a 3rd birthday party and seeing what we should've been experiencing but I'm past the point of acceptance. We weren't meant to have birthday parties for Hailey. We celebrate her birthday but in a way that's different from most families.
Sunday morning we had our normal pancake breakfast and decided to go swimming. We had a great time at the pool and hope to make this part of our Sunday routine. Afterwards Dan wanted us to head into the Apple store because he was told his replacement laptop was ready to be picked up. It's a long story but in the end Apple has dropped the ball numerous times and our 2 hour car ride was a complete waste of time because the computer they told him over the phone had arrived really hadn't and they wouldn't give us one from their inventory. That was a very frustrating part of our day because we really did squeeze it in. Dan's been without his computer for over 3 weeks and the only reason I said we could go was because I know how much it sucks for him not having one and he'd have to wait another week to pick it up.
We left the store a little after 2 pm and I was starting to get nervous time wise. I had my staff party last night and was supposed to pick up my friends at 4:30 plus we NEEDED to stop off at the cemetery. On the way home we stopped at Safeway and picked up cupcakes from the bakery. I was really disappointed because I had in my mind that I wanted pink frosting like we'd done in the past. Unfortunately because we didn't have the time I was forced to get lemon cupcakes with yellow frosting. We stopped off at the floral department and let Lauren pick the flowers. I had to smile when our rainbow baby picked the brightest rainbow bouquet. She did a loop first and looked at all the bouquets before deciding on a very colourful assortment. I wish I'd taken a picture but it had blue, red, purple, pink, yellow and orange flowers. A perfect choice. We stopped at the cemetery on the way home and had a lovely moment there. We took the flowers and cupcakes with us, Lauren sang happy birthday then ate our cupcakes. I'm so glad we've decided to involve Lauren and our future child (whenever that happens) in celebrating Hailey's birthday. I feel like it'll help them understand and truly know that they have a sister.
We made it home around 4 so I had a quick shower and was off to pick up my friends. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that our company was recently bought by another company. They decided to have a "closing ceremonies" dinner. The night was good and I was even given a little reminder of Hailey. I've talked before about those unexpected moments that catch you off guard. When suddenly you're overtaken with grief and it can be from something so small. I'll never forget one of those moments happened because the song from the olympics came on the radio at work. At the time it brought back memories of how hopeful I was being pregnant while the Olympics were here. I'd planned on telling her all about how she'd been to events and places because she was in my tummy. Of course they played the song last night and it was bittersweet. At first it made me want to cry because that song is such a hard one to hear for those reasons but then it made me smile. How perfect for a song that reminds me of Hailey to be played on her 3rd birthday. I felt like part of her was there with me.
I still have moments, while I was writing that last sentence I got a little teary. She'll always be with me and never forgotten but I'm at the point where it's ok if I don't think of her every day. It's hard though because I still really struggled with publicly acknowledging yesterday. I didn't want to post anything on facebook and wasn't planning on but the day before I was overcome with guilt that by not publicly acknowledging her birthday I was making her less important then Lauren. I decided to simply post "3 years xo" and next year I will not. I'm ready to do this on our own, have it really be a private day in our family. Dan's mum sent us a sweet e-mail yesterday morning:
Hi Ange and Dan,
I am driving to Murwillumbah tomorrow and will be thinking of you and Hailey. As I pass Mount Warning I will send love to Hailey.
Love you both
(Mount Warning is where we spread Hailey's ashes in Australia and were unable to hike in February due to a bad storm causing massive damage to the trail.)
Love you Hailey, now and forever xoxo
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