Back to work

I've been back to work for a week now. I'm so lucky to have a job I enjoy. I was nervous about coming back because of my anxiety and I didn't see most of my coworkers while I was off. The thing I hate is having people look at you with such a sad face and say they're sorry. I just don't know what to say back to them. Even when we tell people what happened I never know how to react. I try to make them feel better about what happened. Saying thank-you just doesn't seem like the right thing to say because then they just look at you and you know they want to ask more questions. One thing I was looking forward to was going to labs that I didn't work at while I was pregnant and they wouldn't know what happened. My first day back should've been one of those labs. The day started off great and I was so happy to not have to answer "how are you doing?" in relation to Hailey. Then on my break one of my coworkers came in and asked me how much of my personal life everyone knew. I wasn't sure what she was talking about, but then I realized she meant about the pregnancy and what happened. I told her I never kept it from anyone and my boss had told all the labs I worked at what happened. She then told me that up until the day before they didn't know what happened, but then one of the other girls who moves around told them everything. She said that she wanted me to know that this girl was gossiping about me. I really appreciated her telling me this. I didn't want to say anything in person and maybe I'm just a chicken but I sent her an e-mail the next day pretty much saying that the reason I've been so open about what happened was to prevent gossip, but I was looking forward to going to the labs that didn't know so I could be "normal" and that I would appreciate it if she would not talk about it. She sent me a reply saying she was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. I ended up working with her the next day and I wasn't sure if I should mention it or not but then I thought we've dealt with it and saying nothing and changing nothing about my actions around her means that it's in the past and I've moved on and let go of that incident.

I've been thinking a lot today about what I'd be doing if we'd continued with the pregnancy. I'd either be in Vancouver, Edmonton or Toronto waiting to go into labour. These are the only hospitals that do the surgery (Vancouver recruited the surgeon to start in June.) Because of how bad her condition was I needed to be within 45 minutes of the hospital in case I went into labour and delivered quickly. They also needed to monitor her heartbeat very closely. How different our lives would be at the moment if we'd kept going with the pregnancy. I still daydream about what would have happened if she didn't have the defect or we decided to take the chance and continue. I guess it doesn't really matter because we made our decision and can't go back. I don't cry as much anymore but sometimes I think about her and miss her so much. It's incredible how much you can love someone you never got to know.

Home again

It's been a few days since we got back from Australia. For some reason this time the jetlag is killing me! Today will be my third day back at work. I'm so lucky to have a job that I like and don't hate going to everyday. The hard part now is the gossip. I'd been honest about what was happening because I wanted to prevent gossip. My boss also told all the people I'd worked with while I was pregnant so there were no questions about why I was gone for 2 months and was no longer pregnant. Well there are quite a few labs in the company and I've gone back to moving around between them. On Tuesday, my first day back I was working at one which I wasn't at while I was pregnant and was looking forward to being viewed as "normal". No questions about what happened, no hugs or people telling me how sorry they are. I could just be like any other person and no one would have to know what I was really going through. Well one of the ladies there asked me how many people knew about what happened. This surprised me because although I didn't hide anything I knew my boss hadn't told them. Then she told me that they didn't know until Monday when one of the girls working who also moves around told them. This makes me angry because all I had told her was that we had gone for tests and the baby had HLHS. So I don't know what exactly she said or how accurate it was. I plan on sending her an e-mail today asking her to please not gossip about it and yes I haven't kept it a secret, but I feel that I should have the choice about who does and doesn't know what happened and how much I want to tell them.

I start work in 1.5 hours and I think I'll take a quick 30 minute nap.

The wedding

My husband's brother is getting married tomorrow and everyone is currently at the rehearsal. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I know it's stupid and I shouldn't feel this way. Up until being in the house by myself I didn't. Here's the thing. All of the siblings as well as the other sister in law are in the wedding. It was only going to be my husband's twin brother as best man, her brother as a groomsman and the twin brother's wife as bridesmaid. Then about a month and a half ago my husbands parents told his brother he should have him in the wedding so he wasn't left out. I guess it just makes me feel like I'm right in thinking that I've never really been part of this family. It really annoyed us that his parents made him be part of the wedding because he didn't want to be (nor do I, it's just that I kind of feel really left out and not important in his family.) We thought that they should be able to have whoever they wanted as part of the wedding and I think now there will be 4 men and 3 women in the wedding party. This is why for my wedding we only have his twin brother and my sister.

I think I'm partly upset because when we first told his parents we were pregnant his mum got mad because it would mean I was going to be pregnant at their wedding. I never really understood this because there's always at least one pregnant person at weddings. Anyway now I'm not so I guess that's better for them!

I'm so frustrated with myself because it's such a silly thing to be depressed about considering I don't actually want to be a part of the wedding. I think I also feel stupid tomorrow sitting there while everyone else is at the alter and while they are off taking pictures.

I'm adding this a little later. My husband just got back from the church and when the priest asked his brother why my husband didn't have a partner he said it was because of what happened with the baby. Honestly that's complete bullshit. I can't even think of any reason how that would make sense especially since they only asked my husband after the birth. It doesn't do anything but make me feel worse because I'm the only one sitting out.
Whatever I'll just do what I do every other day since the hospital. Put on a smile and pretend that everything is ok and I'm happy.

scattering ashes

Yesterday we went to Mount Warning and scattered some of Hailey's ashes. My husbands grandfather was scattered up there so we thought that would be a nice place. The trek up to the top was hard considering I hadn't done much exercise while I was pregnant other then going for walks. We went with my husband's mum who's never made it to the top. The problem with the hike is that it's ok until you are nearly at the top and then you have to climb a rock face. They installed a chain to help for you to hold onto but it's sill hard. When we got up there we found a nice spot and each took turns scattering the ashes. It was a sad moment but I felt better doing something with them instead of just having them at home. We will keep some at home but it's nice to know that she's also in Australia since that's where her dad grew up and we would've taken her here for a visit.

Our time in Australia will be over soon and I'm surprisingly sad. I didn't expect to have a good time while we were here, but I really have. This holiday has been good for both of us and hopefully everything will continue going well when we go back home.

Depressed

I'm feeling a bit depressed tonight. I haven't been feeling all that great for a few days. I hate my body and how I look. When I got pregnant I weighed 155lbs, which is healthy for my 5'7" height. After 24 weeks pregnant and 6 weeks post birth I weight between 175-180lbs which puts me over weight. I also still have a belly which makes me look pregnant. I had always tried so hard to make sure I never went over 160lbs. That was the weight I said I'd never be over and whenever I started inching towards that it I'd start exercising more. Now I have to lose 20 pounds to get back to 160. Ideally I'd like to be 145lbs-150lbs but I doubt that'll happen and I'm happy to get to 160lbs. I'll put before, during pregnancy and after pics up if I can figure it out. When I get back home I'm going to cut out gluten. A year and a half ago I was getting bad pains and when I went to the the gastroentestinal specialist we discovered I had a gluten sensitivity. I stopped eating it for 6 months and the pains went away. They are now starting to come back. The good thing about this is that I can't eat a lot of carbs. Nothing that has flour. Hopefully this will help me to lose weight and of course make the pain go away.

-pink shirt, black capris and flowers as background is before I was pregnant.
-pink bra and pj bottoms is at 13 weeks.
-black shirt and green bottoms is the morning I was induced at 24 weeks.
-green top and capris was taken a few days ago.

Australia

We've been in Australia for a week now. It's been pretty hard. I keep going back to how great this trip was supposed to be. I was going to be coming home 31 weeks pregnant and the next time we saw his family we'd be introducing Hailey. Instead we brought our little girl over in an urn. (We didn't have any problems at the airport or with customs.) We spent the first week in Darwin with my husbands extended family. I had such a great time there. I got my first period on Tuesday. I was a little surprised since 2 weeks ago I had cramping and spotting so I figured that was it and that my next cycle would be a normal one. Good thing I came on the trip prepared. It always happens on holidays!

It makes me anxious though because now there's the reality of trying again. Like our decision with Hailey I go back and forth. I just really don't know if I'm ready. I want a baby so much, but I want Hailey. I'm not sure how I'll cope being pregnant again with a different baby. My husband and I have different ideas of what 2 normal cycles means. Originally I wanted to start trying so bad that I said we'd start after I get my second period. Now that I've gotten the first I told him last night we should wait 2 more months because this is the start of cycle and the last time bleeding wasn't a cycle it was from giving birth. I guess we have another month to talk about it. I'm thinking at this stage we may stop using condoms next month but not really try. After our experience with Hailey and really trying to get pregnant I think we will leave it up to fate. If we aren't pregnant in 6 months then we may go back to trying.

I've also noticed the past couple days that my anxiety is coming back. My doctor had put me on anti anxiety meds 3 years ago because I was getting dizzy, fainting and shaking. After doing tests she couldn't find a reason and with my past depression/anxiety issues she decided to try the lowest dose and it stopped the symptoms. I stopped taking them the day I stopped taking birth control as instructed by my doctor. Hopefully counselling and the support group will help.

Ashes

Well we are leaving for Australia in an hour. I'm worried about what's going to happen when we go through security. My husband filled the urns yesterday. The main one we are keeping, he put some in a second one to take with us to Australia and left some for us to take to my grandfather's grave later on. I've done my research about taking ashes with us. My first concern was Australian customs because they are so strict about what you can and can't bring into the country. I e-mailed them and they said as long as you have the cremation certificate and death certificate it's fine. I checked with the airline as well and they said to take it as carry on and we will need the same. Now my only concern is security at the airport. At the funeral home the guy told us we need the cremation certificate because the urns have so much metal in them they show up on the screen as a solid black and you can't see what's inside. I have the cremation certificate but now I'm worried because we don't get a death certificate. Because she was stillborn we can't get a birth or death certificate. The social worker at the hospital told us we could apply for a certificate of geneology but we haven't done that yet because apparently Canada is changing the format and the new ones are much nicer :) I guess we will just have to wait and see. Oh and my husband transferred the ashes on the deck last night.

I hate the flights to Australia. They are so long and boring. I can't sleep on planes either so by the time we get there I'm so tired from travelling 24 hours. I'm hoping since I haven't been sleeping well and I'm so tired already that I'll be able to get a few hours. We'll see I guess.

Anger

My husband is really the only one that knows how much this whole experience has affected me. When we get together with friends or family I can put on a happy face for a few hours, I try to sound upbeat. Hard to believe from me doing a blog that I'm actually a fairly private person. My husband really wants me to get counselling and when we get back from Australia I will.

I have a lot of anger. As much as I've tried to suppress it, most is directed at my husband. Here's a little back story:

My husband and I argued a lot during those 3 weeks between echo's. When they gave us our options after the first there was only one for me. The surgeries. Compasionate care wasn't an option and I couldn't do the transplant because I felt it was unfair. (She would be on anti rejection meds for the rest of her life which are very damaging to other organs, especially when they are still developing as a child. Also transplants are only good for 15-20 years, which sounds good until you think how do you tell your child "you better enjoy life because you won't be around for your 20's"?) Terminating the pregnancy went in one ear and out the other. It was not something I considered. If I could give my baby a chance I would. It wasn't until we got home that my husband told me he wanted to terminate and try again. I never thought I should've asked my boyfriends their views on late-term abortion. At first whenever we talked about it I would start crying. I just couldn't bring myself to really consider it. After a few days my husband told me that even though that's what he wanted I was the one who had to go through it, so if I couldn't he would try to get over it. Basically the decision was up to me. I hated him saying this because it wasn't. She was our child and I felt like if we had a bad day or she didn't make it through the surgeries he would come back and say I told you so. You made our child suffer.

Over 2 weeks he slowly kept bringing it up and I allowed myself to at least consider it for his sake. He gave his views on why we should but to me all I could think about were the what if's. Would I be ok always wondering what if we had given her that chance? Now I feel manipulated. We had pretty much decided to end the pregnancy before that second echo. When I thought about our marriage I didn't think it would last if we carried on with the pregnancy. We would both resent each other. He would resent me because the only reason we would be at the hospital so much is because I decided to "keep" her and I would resent him for his lack of interest and help. He also told me that he already resented Hailey. I'm not even sure where it switched but somehow we started talking more and more about ending the pregnancy and less about the surgeries.

What I hate is that he never tried to view things from my point of view. To him the surgeries were a "band-aid" not a fix with no guarantees. I asked him what defects he could accept and he said none. I asked if this was really the case given if it was something like missing her ovaries and all it would effect is her having biological children and his response was yes. I'm SO angry at this. How does being able to reproduce change anything when there are so many children given for adoption in the world? I'm angry because to him there was only one option and there was nothing to change his mind. There is no way I could take care of a child with this condition on my own. I'd need the support (physically, mentally and financially) and help only a husband/partner can give.

Basically I'm angry that I didn't know these views before. Would they have changed anything? I don't know, but at least I could say I knew before. All I know right now is how much I resent him. If he'd had an open mind to other possibilities she could've still been here. I'm angry at myself for not sticking up for her more, for not fighting harder. I say this because even though her condition changed and worsened I still carry the guilt knowing things probably would've ended the same way.

My worst day

I couldn't sleep last night and just kept thinking about our whole experience these past 2.5 months. I asked my husband what the worst day for him was and he said it was the day we went into the hospital and stopped her heart. That was a pretty terrible day for me as well. The night before I was so upset I couldn't stop crying. All I could think about was that this would be the last night I'd feel her kick. I'm crying now while I write this! I just wanted time to stop. For us to wait however many years with her safely inside until they discovered a cure. I didn't want to fall asleep because I wanted to get as much time with her as possible. My husband and I lay there for hours with our hands on my stomach just waiting for her to kick next. I spent time at my mums that night too and her and I did the same. I can't even describe what you feel sitting in the hospital waiting to be called or signing papers giving them permission to end your child's life while you can feel her moving and kicking. I was a lot calmer then I thought I would be for that procedure. I thought I would need someone to hold me still and I was worried about scaring my mum and sister. They asked me where I wanted everyone as I could only have 1 person at my head and the rest at my feet. As much as I love my husband I wanted my mum. Mum's have a way of knowing what you need to hear and she kept me calm telling me it was for the best and we'd get through it together. Yes that was a horrible day, but for me it wasn't the worst.

Most people would think the day she was born would be the worst. It's not even in the top 5. I think of that day and smile. I got to hold my baby. I got to tell her I loved her so much and say to her that we will miss her and how much we did want her. We got to compare her features, decide who she looked like. I will always cherish that day and the short time we got to see her.

My worst day was the day we first went to the hospital to have an echo done. When the tech told me after my first ultrasound that there may be a problem I never imagined it would be that bad. I hate how oblivious I was to the possibilities. I knew it was bad, but I thought it would mean a few hard months and she would be better. That maybe we had to keep a closer eye on her. I didn't consider that babies could survive in womb with a fatal defect. Hearing that my daughter essentially had half a heart was the worst thing I've ever heard and the lowest I've ever felt. I told my husband when we first found out I was pregnant that our lives would change forever. I never imagined just how much. That day was another turning point in our lives. All our hopes and dreams for our daughter were gone. We'd never be able to teach her to ski (she wouldn't have enough oxygen saturation to be on a mountain), we'd never be able to travel or go see my husbands family again (we wouldn't be able to get medical insurance for travel) but worst of all our child would have a difficult life. She would live with a large scar on her chest, she could never hang upside down, she could never experiment with drugs/drinking/smoking (none of which I condone, but teens will be teens,) she would always be on medication for her heart and the list just goes on. (I know these things are pretty insignificant in the long run but try telling a 5 year old they aren't allowed to do a handstand or a 9 year old they can't go on the roller coaster with their friends.) That for me was the worst day. That was the day all our hopes and dreams for her and our family came crashing down. That was the day our lives truly changed forever.