Dr. Appointment

I can't sleep. All I can think about is my doctor's appointment I had yesterday afternoon. It was with the same doctor I had my last official appointment with who I didn't really like. I don't want to see him again. Here's how the appointment went:

I came in to the appointment with 4 questions:
1- switching to a breastfeeding friendly anti depressant
2- the clot over my cervix
3- due date
4- gestational diabetes screen

I asked about the clot over my cervix first. He made me feel like it was such a stupid question to ask. My question was basically if this clot (which he said was big) is over my cervix will I still know if my water breaks or I have more bleeding? Is this going to be able to pass around or through the clot. Basically the short answer was obviously yes.

Second I asked about my due date. I asked what the ultrasound measured the baby at and he said that the report said the baby was measuring 20 weeks 4 days, which isn't what the tech told me. I said ok I just wanted to check because those dates mean I got a positive test 2 days after I ovulated. He got out the pregnancy wheel chart and started looking at it. While he was I told him I got a positive test on April 22nd. He said "Are you sure it was April?" I said yes I ever double checked and wrote it down before coming here. I also informed him that this due date would mean my hcg was over 9000 at exactly 5 weeks. He seemed very confused, looked at the wheel again and said oh well, we're sticking with this due date. So as of right now my due date is still January 12th.

He actually mentioned the diabetes screen and I asked if I could do the 1 hour instead of 2 because I don't want to take Lauren with me and can't find a morning that I'm free to be able to do it. He was fine with this and gave me a requisition telling me if it was high I'd have to go for the 2 hour. Finally a question that I was happy with the answer!!!!!!!

Lastly, the switching of meds. I didn't even get around to asking to switch. I mentioned how I was concerned that the pamphlet said I shouldn't breastfeed on these antidepressants and he told me not to worry about it, that the benefits far outweighed not being on them. At the time I took this to mean I could still breastfeed while on them and the benefits of breastfeeding outweigh not breastfeeding, even on these meds but now I'm not sure. Was he really saying not to worry about breastfeeding and that being on these meds are more important then breastfeeding? I don't really like either answer. It wasn't until after coming home and thinking about it some more that I realized I don't want to breastfeed if it's potentially harmful to the baby. I'm not going to put the baby at risk, it's in the pamphlet for a reason. It doesn't even say it's not recommended it says DON'T. Breastfeeding is really important to me and I will breastfeed this baby. Honestly I already have a ton of guilt just taking these meds, to add not being able to breastfeed on top of that heartbreaking. I've been up most of the night crying over this and have decided to go to a walk in tomorrow and switch to Zoloft. If they refuse, I'll stop taking them all together and see how it goes.

After all the questions were done he did my blood pressure then I laid down for him to measure my stomach and check the heartbeat. He found the heartbeat pretty quickly but kept listening for a while. Eventually he asked me if the baby had been moving around lots. I said yes it had been moving earlier. He said oh ok, cause it's racing at the moment, had I drank coffee recently? No I had not. He said he was going to listen a little longer to see if it would go down and eventually it did and he was happy with this. This kind of scares me. Should we not be concerned the baby's heart rate was really high, even if it did eventually go down, especially with me starting new meds one week ago? I'm hoping it was just high from the stress I was under due to me not liking his answers to the majority of my questions.

I'm going to phone the midwife group I was with during my last miscarriage and see if I can switch to them. If I can't I'll phone the clinic back and see who my next appointment is with and ask to make it with someone else if it's him. I don't want to see him throughout my whole pregnancy. The woman I saw who initially gave me the prescription told me I'd need to be monitored more closely and to come back after 2 weeks to see how I'm doing. This doctor just gave me a prescription for another month (after asking me if I wanted to increase the dose, I said no!) to make it to my next appointment.

23/24 weeks

How far along? 23/24 weeks
Baby's size? grapefruit/ canteloupe 
Weight gain: starting pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 167.6 up 19lbs gained .2 this week
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup definitely. 
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy.
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: I rarely sleep at the moment
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE I'm going to have to use my nursing bras soon.
Food aversions:I haven't felt like eating much
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Nothing really
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Mondays doctors appointment

I'm almost a week into starting my anti depressants. While I'm not physically feeling any better I am a little emotionally. The meds themselves haven't caused this, it's because I feel like I'm heading in the right direction to feeling better and getting help. This alone has made me start to feel better. I still have bad moments but I can talk myself out of them knowing they aren't going to last forever and hopefully much longer. 
I've really tried eating more this week. Last weeks nearly 1.5 lb weight loss made me realize I need to pay more attention to my eating habits until I'm feeling better. 

I have my doctors appointment Monday and have so much to talk about. Here's the list I can think of at the moment:

-Switching anti depressants to something breastfeeding friendly
-talking about what exactly the clot covering my cervix means ie. if my water breaks, bleeding etc
- glucose tolerance test
- FINALLY HAVING A DUE DATE!!!!!

I think that's it?

23/22 weeks

How far along? 23/22 weeks
Baby's size? grapefruit/papaya
Weight gain: starting pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 167.4 up 18.8lbs, I've lost 1.4lbs this week 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup definitely. 
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy.
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: I rarely sleep at the moment. Maybe a few hours a night in short bursts.
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE I'm going to have to use my nursing bras soon.
Food aversions:I haven't felt like eating much, but that's emotional not pregnancy related.
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Nothing really
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Feeling better

It's been a rough week. I spent a long time talking to Dan last night and decided I needed to see the doctor and go on anti depressants. I called my gp to make an appointment this morning and the earliest I could get in was Wednesday (I hate the receptionist, who makes someone, especially someone pregnant wait nearly a week to talk to the doctor about going on anti depressants?) so I called the maternity clinic and they fit my in at 11 this morning. I spoke to her and just said I don't know why I feel this way, there's nothing going on that would set it off. I've felt it coming on for the past few months but I thought it was connected with the ultrasound/echo and leading up it was definitely getting worse. Since it's only gotten more intense. The anger I had and have for Dan wasn't the cause of the depression, it was me feeling like my cries for help were going ignored.
I talked to the doctor about how the anti depressants could effect the baby and she said that there has been talk that it may cause chromosomal abnormalities and congenital defects (which I knew it was possibly connected with CHD's) but she says since I'm past 20 weeks and have had a great echo recently chances are it'll all be fine. In the end I need to be healthy before this baby is born. I need to be in an ok place or it'll only get much worse postpartum. I have another appointment on the 16th to see how it's going and if we need to increase the dose. She told me to call or come back anytime if I feel the need to. She also contacted our local mental health office and they called this afternoon already. They're comfortable with my support system I have in place and are setting me up with a peri natal depression support group. He told me they're on holidays for a couple weeks so it may be a few weeks before a meeting but I can drop in any time and speak with someone right away if I need to. I'm starting on the lowest dose and I know if can take 4-6 weeks to feel better physically and emotionally. 

I'm so thankful to have a supportive family and a system in place to handle this. 
One more check mark for possibly a boy? Man this baby is playing with my hormones like neither of my other 2 did!!!!!

22/21 weeks

How far along? 22/21 weeks
Baby's size? Papaya/Pomegranate
Weight gain: starting pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 168.8 up 20.2 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup definitely. I recently went from medium to large in tops because it no longer covers all my belly.
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy.
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: Insomnia has set in
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE I'm going to have to use my nursing bras soon and I'm worried those wont fit in another 20 weeks.
Food aversions: The past couple days I haven't felt like eating much, but that's emotional not pregnancy related.
Food cravings: sweets
Best moments this week: Hearing and seeing the baby is healthy, finally filling out my maternity leave request
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Actually having an official due date!

The ultrasound and echo went well. They did the ultrasound first and right away I told him I didn't want any idea what the sex of the baby was and last time with Lauren I had a pretty good idea she was a girl from when they measured the femur so I asked for him to tell me when he would do that measurement so I could look away. He told me he would and I said that it was ok if Dan found out the sex. He told me he couldn't tell him and that all he could do was write it down in the report. I asked him not to as I didn't want the doctor accidentally telling me thinking I knew. So neither of us know the sex. Dan watched when he did those measurements and has an idea but nothing that will be confirmed at the moment. Since we did the 3D ultrasound with Lauren we've decided that we have to do it again with this baby too so around 30 weeks Dan will be able to find out for sure.
The baby gave the ultrasound tech a hard time and after a while he went to get the doctor to finish and do the echo. The first thing the doctor did was show me the sub chorionic hematoma or clot as she described it. It is sitting right over my cervix and you could see the baby kicking at it. She told me to expect to bleed old blood again during this pregnancy. Since it's over my cervix I asked if this would effect me having a natural delivery and she said no, it shouldn't be an issue. I'm assuming as my cervix dilates the clot will come out, likely causing bleeding but I bled through my labour with Lauren so nothing new there. Otherwise everything looks good. The tech told me that the baby was measuring 21 weeks 6 days which is only one day off MY EDD. When I said that's what I thought because the scan said I ovulated 2 days before a positive pregnancy test he then said that no, he had my previous scan and the baby is pretty much measuring exactly where it should be based on that one. I'm really really confused with this. Based on my early ultrasound I should've been 20 weeks 2 days not 21 and 6. My next doctors appointment is September 16th so we will definitely be discussing the due date then. I just want a date!!!!
When I filled out my maternity leave form I left my due date as January 12th and my first day on leave as January 13th (monday). I figure I'd rather move it ahead then move it back. Since I'm only taking the 17 weeks maternity and Dan is taking the 35 weeks parental I would like to work as long as possible to the due date. I worked into my 39th week with Lauren and felt great so hopefully I can do that again this time.

Sad

Sad isn't the right word. Depressed is probably more like it.
I've been feeling this coming on for a few weeks now. I thought it was just the build up to the ultrasound but that was 2 days ago and we now know that the baby is healthy yet here I am crying a lot, not eating and very barely sleeping. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I've been trying to bring it up with my husband but he really hasn't been there for me lately and I feel like that's just adding to my feelings. It took me until last night when friends stopped by to drop something off while Dan was away at work overnight and Lauren was sleeping over at my mum's so I didn't have to wake her up early in the morning for me to finally opened up to someone and I'm so glad I did.

At first I thought it was all about Dan. I've felt like we've been drifting further and further apart. He's working long hours (gone from 7:30am-7pm Mon-Fri yet this is all overtime he's not getting paid for) partly by choice, partly because he's car pooling. I'd told him over a month ago I was concerned with how little time he was spending with me and Lauren. Then a few days after that he mentions that he'd signed up to do ski patrol this year. I was and still am SO hurt by this. He's gone  almost 12 hours a day and then wants to be gone every second weekend too, while we have a 2 year old and newborn. I just can't believe how he could even consider this let alone try to talk me into it. In the end I told him I wasn't going to say no because I know it's something he really wants to do but I wanted to be straight up. If he does do it then Lauren, myself and the baby will be moving in with my mum. I'm honestly not sure if our relationship could be saved if he did. He hasn't given me his decision yet. The past 2 weeks he's also been traveling for work. Partly due to them needing him but he's admitted that he's pushed and is still pushing to go away later this month. It just leaves me feeling like something must be wrong with me that he doesn't want to be around. What changed that he doesn't like spending time with me anymore? I've tried talking to him about it and he says it's not the case yet he continues to volunteer to be away after we have these conversations. I just don't know what to think and even with all we went through with Hailey I've never felt so alone in my marriage as I do right now, with no end in sight.

Now onto Hailey. I thought my depression was just fear for the ultrasound and echo we were having. I don't remember it being that hard to walk in the hospital again with Lauren. It took everything in me not to cry. I feel so guilty about this baby. I really feel nothing for it and I remember watching the screen and seeing the 4 chambers thinking about how I had wished so much to have seen that with Hailey. I actually wished to trade this baby for her. I feel like such a horrible person and mother for feeling that way. There is no real happiness that this baby is healthy on my part, I can't even focus on the baby right now. It's just there. Part of me really contemplated finding out the sex in hopes that it would allow me some little amount of bonding with this baby but I've always wanted the surprise and this is my last chance to have it.
Being there again brought all those emotions I felt with Hailey back. It hit me like a ton of bricks, how desperately I wanted her to be ok. How guilty I felt for ending the pregnancy. How I would've done anything to have her. It wasn't until talking to my friends that I realized a lot of the feelings I've had aren't really connected with Dan, it's my own issues. I'm not saying that things with Dan and I are perfect, far from but I'm hoping we can somehow work through them. I always said that if we could make it through losing Hailey we could make it through anything, except cheating.

I called and made an appointment with a psychologist for Wednesday. My work covers 3 appointments and I remember with Hailey my boss told me they'd never turn me down as so many people don't use theirs that they'd rather me get the help I need. The new company has taken over our extended benefits so we'll have to see if that's still the case. Even just having a date to talk to a professional has made me feel better and improved my mood. Dan should be home in a few hours and I'm not sure how I'll feel at that point. At work I felt sick thinking about him coming home. I know I'm not in a good place right now but I have to believe that now I've admitted it and am seeking help that it will get better.

I'm ok, I'll be ok. I'm just a little sad right now. I promise.

Echo results

Just a quick short message to say the ultrasound today went great and the baby is healthy. Will have to wait for my appointment with the doctor in 2-3 weeks to see if my due date changes but he said today the baby was measuring 21 weeks 6 days which is 1 day ahead of MY due date or 10 days ahead of the early ultrasound due date.
Will write more about the appointment on Friday for the 21/22 week update.

Tomorrow's the day

I'm starting to get really anxious about tomorrow. It's not even really just anxiety about if the baby is healthy, a large part is going back to that hospital again. The memories of our experiences have started to come flooding back and I'm starting to go into a depression this afternoon/evening. Hopefully by tomorrow it'll all go away and this will be the last time we step foot on that property (women's and children's hospital).  I'm starting to wish I didn't request this. I'd rather not know at this point but I know if everything is alright I'll be glad we had the ultrasound and echo tomorrow. It's going to be a long night and morning.