Sad

Sad isn't the right word. Depressed is probably more like it.
I've been feeling this coming on for a few weeks now. I thought it was just the build up to the ultrasound but that was 2 days ago and we now know that the baby is healthy yet here I am crying a lot, not eating and very barely sleeping. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I've been trying to bring it up with my husband but he really hasn't been there for me lately and I feel like that's just adding to my feelings. It took me until last night when friends stopped by to drop something off while Dan was away at work overnight and Lauren was sleeping over at my mum's so I didn't have to wake her up early in the morning for me to finally opened up to someone and I'm so glad I did.

At first I thought it was all about Dan. I've felt like we've been drifting further and further apart. He's working long hours (gone from 7:30am-7pm Mon-Fri yet this is all overtime he's not getting paid for) partly by choice, partly because he's car pooling. I'd told him over a month ago I was concerned with how little time he was spending with me and Lauren. Then a few days after that he mentions that he'd signed up to do ski patrol this year. I was and still am SO hurt by this. He's gone  almost 12 hours a day and then wants to be gone every second weekend too, while we have a 2 year old and newborn. I just can't believe how he could even consider this let alone try to talk me into it. In the end I told him I wasn't going to say no because I know it's something he really wants to do but I wanted to be straight up. If he does do it then Lauren, myself and the baby will be moving in with my mum. I'm honestly not sure if our relationship could be saved if he did. He hasn't given me his decision yet. The past 2 weeks he's also been traveling for work. Partly due to them needing him but he's admitted that he's pushed and is still pushing to go away later this month. It just leaves me feeling like something must be wrong with me that he doesn't want to be around. What changed that he doesn't like spending time with me anymore? I've tried talking to him about it and he says it's not the case yet he continues to volunteer to be away after we have these conversations. I just don't know what to think and even with all we went through with Hailey I've never felt so alone in my marriage as I do right now, with no end in sight.

Now onto Hailey. I thought my depression was just fear for the ultrasound and echo we were having. I don't remember it being that hard to walk in the hospital again with Lauren. It took everything in me not to cry. I feel so guilty about this baby. I really feel nothing for it and I remember watching the screen and seeing the 4 chambers thinking about how I had wished so much to have seen that with Hailey. I actually wished to trade this baby for her. I feel like such a horrible person and mother for feeling that way. There is no real happiness that this baby is healthy on my part, I can't even focus on the baby right now. It's just there. Part of me really contemplated finding out the sex in hopes that it would allow me some little amount of bonding with this baby but I've always wanted the surprise and this is my last chance to have it.
Being there again brought all those emotions I felt with Hailey back. It hit me like a ton of bricks, how desperately I wanted her to be ok. How guilty I felt for ending the pregnancy. How I would've done anything to have her. It wasn't until talking to my friends that I realized a lot of the feelings I've had aren't really connected with Dan, it's my own issues. I'm not saying that things with Dan and I are perfect, far from but I'm hoping we can somehow work through them. I always said that if we could make it through losing Hailey we could make it through anything, except cheating.

I called and made an appointment with a psychologist for Wednesday. My work covers 3 appointments and I remember with Hailey my boss told me they'd never turn me down as so many people don't use theirs that they'd rather me get the help I need. The new company has taken over our extended benefits so we'll have to see if that's still the case. Even just having a date to talk to a professional has made me feel better and improved my mood. Dan should be home in a few hours and I'm not sure how I'll feel at that point. At work I felt sick thinking about him coming home. I know I'm not in a good place right now but I have to believe that now I've admitted it and am seeking help that it will get better.

I'm ok, I'll be ok. I'm just a little sad right now. I promise.