Well it's not good news. They did an internal scan (which is not fun by the way) and at first I got excited because I thought I could hear a little heart beat. The sonographer was training so there was the trainee and trainer in the room. I didn't really know what to look for but they kept the picture on this round dark circle which I'm assuming was the sac. After the trainee was done the trainer took over and had a go. She then asked me if I was sure about my dates. My reply was yes. She then ended the ultrasound and said they would go speak to a doctor and come back. I knew it wasn't good. I told my husband I was pretty sure it was an empty sac (blighted ovum.) The ultrasound tech came back and told me that there's a sac measuring 6 weeks. I would most likely miscarry, but the doctor suggested I come back in 10-14 days because sometimes it is just dates being off. She then said "but don't be surprised if you start bleeding before then" and walked out the room. LOVELY! I was so surprised with how blunt she was and the lack of compassion. I don't know if this was because of ending our last pregnancy, but we've never had such a lack of caring at the hospital before.
I don't know what to do right now. Part of me wants to be positive that it could still work out, but the more I think about the past couple weeks the more I know deep down it's over. Here's why....
1) I had a positive preg test at what I thought would be exactly 4 weeks. The line was very faint but going off the ultrasound I should've just conceived which I'm pretty sure means the test should've been negative.
2) I had an HCG done at what should've been 4 weeks +4 days and the levels were in the 400's which my doctor put at 4-5 weeks. Could my levels have been that high if I was really just 2 weeks + 4 days?
3) I don't feel pregnant. I've had no morning sickness and besides being more hungry and the positive tests I haven't had any other pregnancy symptoms.
I went to a walk in clinic when I got home and asked them to do an HCG level. He was a little bit more reasuring saying that the ranges vary so much for HCG that it might not mean the worst and if I'm 6 weeks sometimes there's not much baby to see on the ultrasound yet. This has given me a little bit more hope. Up until seeing the doctor I wasn't planning on going back for the ultrasound. I figured I'd just wait to miscarry. Now I'm contemplating going back. I'll make an appointment with my family doctor hopefully for Friday and see what she says. All I know is that I don't want to have a D&C unless absolutely necessary. I'd rather miscarry naturally. I think part of this is in hope that they are wrong and I'll be 15 weeks and feel the quickening. I feel like I'm going crazy and just don't know how to feel or act. I just wish I could crawl into a cave for a few months and be by myself. I was actually starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was starting to believe it was possible to have a healthy baby.
I'll keep you updated when I know more.
It's a few hours later and my HCG level from this afternoon is already online! 9473 which would put me at 6-7 weeks. This doesn't help me with my confusion.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Leaving soon
I'm leaving to head to the hospital soon. This morning has just flown by. I just came on to look up directions (since the hospital is a couple hours away) and it seems like every time google maps gives a new way to get there! Gotta head off, have a quick pee (probably TMI! I hate having to drink so much water and then try to hold it!!!) and pick up Daniel from work. Getting excited!!!!!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Patiently waiting for tomorrow.....
In less then 24 hours we'll know how this baby is doing! I'm trying to be optimistic and I really do feel like everything will be ok. I've joined a few groups online for pregnancy after loss and termination for medical reasons. They've been really great and have helped so much. This I feel is the reason I've been feeling better and more optimistic. There's about 6 people on the pregnancy after loss group who have lost babies at different stages from HLHS. It's great to see them ahead of me having their echo's and scans and having everything turn out good. I know this doesn't mean it will for me, but it gives me hope to see that it really does turn out sometimes :) I still haven't had any morning sickness either! I nearly was sick today but that was my own fault. I went golfing with my mum this morning and was late leaving the house so instead of eating something I gulped down a glass of milk. BAD IDEA! Drinking milk quickly on an empty pregnant stomach does not leave you feeling all that well. I guess lesson learned!
On another positive note I'm going to pick up my grandmother's dog from the vet in an hour. They don't know what it was except she had pancreatitis (which really just means inflammation of the pancreas) so who knows how she got it but as long as she is doing better that's all that matters.
I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound tomorrow. I'm going back to the same hospital we had the others and where I delivered Hailey so that will be hard but hoping for a turn in our luck. I've heard you can get pictures from ultrasounds as early as 8 weeks and I've been contemplating getting them. I don't think I will though. I just don't feel right going and paying for the pictures, giving the receipt to the ultrasound tech and assuming it will all go well. These are the times when it doesn't for me. I'd rather see a baby with a good heart rate then have pictures. Maybe I'm just paranoid but as long as it works out I don't care why or how.
I'll update as soon as I can tomorrow!!!!!!
On another positive note I'm going to pick up my grandmother's dog from the vet in an hour. They don't know what it was except she had pancreatitis (which really just means inflammation of the pancreas) so who knows how she got it but as long as she is doing better that's all that matters.
I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound tomorrow. I'm going back to the same hospital we had the others and where I delivered Hailey so that will be hard but hoping for a turn in our luck. I've heard you can get pictures from ultrasounds as early as 8 weeks and I've been contemplating getting them. I don't think I will though. I just don't feel right going and paying for the pictures, giving the receipt to the ultrasound tech and assuming it will all go well. These are the times when it doesn't for me. I'd rather see a baby with a good heart rate then have pictures. Maybe I'm just paranoid but as long as it works out I don't care why or how.
I'll update as soon as I can tomorrow!!!!!!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Bad things happening
So we've had quite a few bad months recently. We ended up giving our hamster away in February after it chewed a hole through it's cage and also through the carpet. My friends were thinking of getting a hamster so we gave them all we had but warned that we had her for nearly 2 years and could tell she was slowing down. They sent me an e-mail the night before we went in to end the pregnancy to say they found her that morning dead in her cage. It was to be expected as she was fully grown when we got her and they don't live long. For the next month or so I was worried about the saying that things happen in 3's. First the hamster, then Hailey. What or who would be next? My dad phoned a few weeks ago to say that my sister's cat who was living with him was really sick and the vet suggested putting her down. As sad as this was I was also relieved since this would be our number 3 and I was so worried it would be one of my grandmother's. Then 2 weeks ago we had a BBQ at our place to celebrate 1 uncle's 50th birthday and the 60th of an aunt. Well at this BBQ a different uncle had a stroke. He's doing really well now and is pretty much back to normal except for a few minor differences. He was VERY lucky.
My sister is away for the weekend and has left her cat with us. This cat normally stays at her boyfriends place but since they are both gone we get to look after her. I'm really happy to have her but the cat is a bengal and worth about $1000! I just imagine all the things this kitten can get into. I convinced Daniel to order chinese food tonight and asked if we could stop off at my mum's since my sister left tickets that she asked me to drop off. She lives with my grandmother and looks after her. When we arrived there was a big commotion in the kitchen and it turns out my grandmother's dog, Muffin was really sick. She was very lethargic, wouldn't move at all, was having trouble breathing, had vomited a few times and was bleeding from her bum. I wrapped her in a towel and my mum drove to the vet hospital. I was holding her like a baby and the whole way she was just looking up at me with these terrified eyes. I just kept telling her it would be ok and I was thinking why is this happening? All I could think about was how if we had kept going with the pregnancy the trips we probably would've made with my baby in my arms trying to comfort her. The vet thinks she was poisoned since her tongue was pale and blue. When we got home we looked found another vomit patch and sure enough there was were a couple solid pink pieces (rat poison.) My mum and grandma have never had rat poison in the house and didn't even know what it looked like so we're thinking some sick person threw it in the backyard since that's where we found her.
They are keeping her overnight but it doesn't look good. She has a very slow heart rate, so slow that they couldn't take blood from her because her circulation was so bad. I'm expecting when we said goodbye that it'll be last time we see her. When will our luck turn around? I'm hoping it will on Tuesday. I just need some good news. I don't have much hope with our past. I REALLY REALLY hope things with this baby are good.
My sister is away for the weekend and has left her cat with us. This cat normally stays at her boyfriends place but since they are both gone we get to look after her. I'm really happy to have her but the cat is a bengal and worth about $1000! I just imagine all the things this kitten can get into. I convinced Daniel to order chinese food tonight and asked if we could stop off at my mum's since my sister left tickets that she asked me to drop off. She lives with my grandmother and looks after her. When we arrived there was a big commotion in the kitchen and it turns out my grandmother's dog, Muffin was really sick. She was very lethargic, wouldn't move at all, was having trouble breathing, had vomited a few times and was bleeding from her bum. I wrapped her in a towel and my mum drove to the vet hospital. I was holding her like a baby and the whole way she was just looking up at me with these terrified eyes. I just kept telling her it would be ok and I was thinking why is this happening? All I could think about was how if we had kept going with the pregnancy the trips we probably would've made with my baby in my arms trying to comfort her. The vet thinks she was poisoned since her tongue was pale and blue. When we got home we looked found another vomit patch and sure enough there was were a couple solid pink pieces (rat poison.) My mum and grandma have never had rat poison in the house and didn't even know what it looked like so we're thinking some sick person threw it in the backyard since that's where we found her.
They are keeping her overnight but it doesn't look good. She has a very slow heart rate, so slow that they couldn't take blood from her because her circulation was so bad. I'm expecting when we said goodbye that it'll be last time we see her. When will our luck turn around? I'm hoping it will on Tuesday. I just need some good news. I don't have much hope with our past. I REALLY REALLY hope things with this baby are good.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Fight with husband
I'm getting really tired of writing "my husband" all the time so I'm just gonna start calling him by his name, Daniel. Now that that's out of the way I found out I have a follower! I didn't set up this blog expecting to be followed and my husband is the only one who knows I'm doing this blog. I've asked him not to read it and I do believe he will respect that. I started this blog for 2 reasons. I felt I needed to be able to write down how I was feeling without worrying about upsetting someone. I also wanted to write this in the hopes that maybe one day someone who has been through something similar will stumble across it and see that how they are feeling is ok and in some way similar. So back to the fight. I started cooking dinner and decided to read her blog at the kitchen table with my laptop. Some of the similarities are scary! She had a daughter with HLHS also named Hailey *so sorry to read it didn't work out :(* and she is due again in January. I was so focused on reading her blog that I managed to burn dinner and asked Dan to finish cooking! I don't think he appreciated this. I was still reading when he was dishing up dinner so he came over and shut my laptop. I got really angry and started yelling and saying a few harsh words and also started crying when I had a few words thrown back! He's voiced his concerns before and we've had this argument before about how he thinks I'm becoming obsessed with HLHS children and stories. I've gotten better, but I do admit I was pretty bad when we first found out and after we came home from the hospital. I know why I do it. We never got to find out how Hailey's story would go. I read stories about families who have lost their children to HLHS and sometimes I'm so glad we made the choice we did when I hear about how much some babies suffer so much, but then there's the stories of children doing well. I keep in touch with a family in Eastern Canada who's son is 2 and has had the first 2 surgeries. I started talking to her when we first heard the diagnosis and have talked to her throughout making our decision and still keep in touch now. I see how well this boy is doing (and by well I mean well for HLHS.) They have scary moments, but so far he has weathered his way through them. These stories make me wonder if we made the right choice. I guess I just really hate the not knowing. I also hate that I never got to hear her cry or have her look at me even for a few brief moments.
This then came around to how much I've changed. He wants his old wife back. The fun, talkative, carefree wife he had 4 months ago. I thought I was getting better and socializing more. Apparently I'm not doing a very good job hiding how I'm really doing. At least not with my husband. He's right. We don't really talk. I don't know what to say to him. I'm sure he's hurting too but he never shows it and I feel so isolated. Like I'm the only one going through this and at the same time we are going through different things. I'm coming to terms with making a decision I don't know if I believe was right. If he hadn't suggested ending the pregnancy it wouldn't have crossed my mind and I would still be pregnant with Hailey and looking forward to spending whatever precious time we are able to have with her. How do I talk to him about that? I know he feels guilty for pushing me in that direction and I can't say it's ok. I want him to feel something or at least show that he's feeling something. I've seen him cry once about Hailey and that's when he had a few too many drinks. When I said I would go along with ending the pregnancy I warned him I didn't know how I would handle it. I couldn't tell him at the time how I would feel or if I could get over it. That was a risk he said he was willing to take because he felt so strongly that was what was best for her. I sometimes wonder if looking at where we are now he would still feel that way. I worry about bringing another child into our lives. We are still dealing with our own issues surrounding losing Hailey and I really worry if we'll make it as a couple.
On a slightly more positive note..... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow! I'm pretty sure this one is just to see how I'm feeling and if I'm having any morning sickness (which so far I'm not!!!!!!) I also have my first scan on Tuesday and am VERY excited for it. I had a really bad sharp pain on friday go across my stomach. I was at work and it just happened so quickly and it was so worrying. The pain lasted a few seconds, left and came back for another few seconds. I was SO sure I was going to miscarry. I can't describe what this felt like except I've never felt anything like that before and it felt so wrong. No blood and I haven't had cramping since then so I have no idea what it was but with every day that passes I worry a little less. I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound on Tuesday to put my mind at rest.
This then came around to how much I've changed. He wants his old wife back. The fun, talkative, carefree wife he had 4 months ago. I thought I was getting better and socializing more. Apparently I'm not doing a very good job hiding how I'm really doing. At least not with my husband. He's right. We don't really talk. I don't know what to say to him. I'm sure he's hurting too but he never shows it and I feel so isolated. Like I'm the only one going through this and at the same time we are going through different things. I'm coming to terms with making a decision I don't know if I believe was right. If he hadn't suggested ending the pregnancy it wouldn't have crossed my mind and I would still be pregnant with Hailey and looking forward to spending whatever precious time we are able to have with her. How do I talk to him about that? I know he feels guilty for pushing me in that direction and I can't say it's ok. I want him to feel something or at least show that he's feeling something. I've seen him cry once about Hailey and that's when he had a few too many drinks. When I said I would go along with ending the pregnancy I warned him I didn't know how I would handle it. I couldn't tell him at the time how I would feel or if I could get over it. That was a risk he said he was willing to take because he felt so strongly that was what was best for her. I sometimes wonder if looking at where we are now he would still feel that way. I worry about bringing another child into our lives. We are still dealing with our own issues surrounding losing Hailey and I really worry if we'll make it as a couple.
On a slightly more positive note..... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow! I'm pretty sure this one is just to see how I'm feeling and if I'm having any morning sickness (which so far I'm not!!!!!!) I also have my first scan on Tuesday and am VERY excited for it. I had a really bad sharp pain on friday go across my stomach. I was at work and it just happened so quickly and it was so worrying. The pain lasted a few seconds, left and came back for another few seconds. I was SO sure I was going to miscarry. I can't describe what this felt like except I've never felt anything like that before and it felt so wrong. No blood and I haven't had cramping since then so I have no idea what it was but with every day that passes I worry a little less. I'm really looking forward to the ultrasound on Tuesday to put my mind at rest.
Memories
I've been back at work for over a month now and it's been a while since I've had to stop and a good cry. It's funny how things happen sometimes that make bad things a little easier. I told one of my coworkers yesterday that I was pregnant again when it was quiet. We talked about how I was happy but scared and how this pregnancy just sort of happened unexpectedly. I don't want to justify ending the pregnancy. Hailey means so much to us. I really wish things could've been different, but in a way my being pregnant makes it easier. This baby growing inside me wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost Hailey. I go back and forth about my feeling with this because although it's true, I sometimes wish I could switch. I wish I could just start over with Hailey and she gets another chance. Am I a horrible person/mother for this? Wishing that I could replace this hopefully healthy baby with Hailey? For this reason I'm hoping for a boy. If it's another girl then that's fine too. I just feel emotionally it would be easier for us, but in the end I don't care. I just want and healthy baby. In telling her how I was feeling it gave her a better understand about how to comfort me an hour later.
So back to the yesterday. My friend's mum came in. I've known this girl since primary school and although we haven't talked since we left high school her mum still recognizes me. Seeing her was REALLY hard. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I actually saw her the day of my first ultrasound. My husband couldn't get the time off work so my mum and I were sitting in the clinic waiting to be called in when she came in and said hi. We talked for a few minutes about how I was doing and when the baby was due. Then I went and had the ultrasound done. Seeing her brought back so many memories. I had to explain to her why I was no longer pregnant, which as much I it sucks I've done it enough that I'm ok talking about it. What I couldn't handle was thinking back to that day. She was literally the last person to ever see me happy. My life changed forever 30 minutes after seeing her. I want the old me back. I want to go back to being the pregnant and carefree women who thought my biggest worry was picking things for the nursery and if I should find out the sex. I think back to how stupid I was. How naive I was to think that everything works out after you've made it past 13 weeks. It makes me so sad to think how much my life has changed since that day. I'm not the same person and I never will be. I just want my baby back and I'm torn about how I'm supposed to feel because I wish every day things could've been different with Hailey. Then I feel guilty because if things had been different then I wouldn't be pregnant with a different baby. So many mixed emotions and pregnancy is just intensifying them.
I've noticed it's been getting harder as I'm getting closer to my due date. I could barely look at an 8 month old today and was SO thankful he didn't cry because I don't think I could've held myself together. I'm also scared. I go for my early ultrasound (at 8+1 weeks) in less then a week and I've just come to realize that I've yet to have an ultrasound that I left feeling good. All my ultrasounds have been bad news and I've always left crying. Really hoping things turn around on Tuesday. All I'm really hoping for is a heartbeat. From what I've read if there's a heartbeat at 8 weeks then your risk for miscarriage goes down to 3 percent. Those are good odds but I've also done odds before and landed on the less then 1 percent so will be holding my breath. Just taking it 1 milestone at a time. All I'm worried about at the moment is miscarriage. I'll worry about birth defects after I've made it past 13 weeks.
Really hoping I'll get to write some happy news next week.
So back to the yesterday. My friend's mum came in. I've known this girl since primary school and although we haven't talked since we left high school her mum still recognizes me. Seeing her was REALLY hard. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I actually saw her the day of my first ultrasound. My husband couldn't get the time off work so my mum and I were sitting in the clinic waiting to be called in when she came in and said hi. We talked for a few minutes about how I was doing and when the baby was due. Then I went and had the ultrasound done. Seeing her brought back so many memories. I had to explain to her why I was no longer pregnant, which as much I it sucks I've done it enough that I'm ok talking about it. What I couldn't handle was thinking back to that day. She was literally the last person to ever see me happy. My life changed forever 30 minutes after seeing her. I want the old me back. I want to go back to being the pregnant and carefree women who thought my biggest worry was picking things for the nursery and if I should find out the sex. I think back to how stupid I was. How naive I was to think that everything works out after you've made it past 13 weeks. It makes me so sad to think how much my life has changed since that day. I'm not the same person and I never will be. I just want my baby back and I'm torn about how I'm supposed to feel because I wish every day things could've been different with Hailey. Then I feel guilty because if things had been different then I wouldn't be pregnant with a different baby. So many mixed emotions and pregnancy is just intensifying them.
I've noticed it's been getting harder as I'm getting closer to my due date. I could barely look at an 8 month old today and was SO thankful he didn't cry because I don't think I could've held myself together. I'm also scared. I go for my early ultrasound (at 8+1 weeks) in less then a week and I've just come to realize that I've yet to have an ultrasound that I left feeling good. All my ultrasounds have been bad news and I've always left crying. Really hoping things turn around on Tuesday. All I'm really hoping for is a heartbeat. From what I've read if there's a heartbeat at 8 weeks then your risk for miscarriage goes down to 3 percent. Those are good odds but I've also done odds before and landed on the less then 1 percent so will be holding my breath. Just taking it 1 milestone at a time. All I'm worried about at the moment is miscarriage. I'll worry about birth defects after I've made it past 13 weeks.
Really hoping I'll get to write some happy news next week.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
sharp pain
I'm nearly 7 weeks now. I will be in 2 days. This pregnancy has been completely different so far. I still feel great in the morning and really all times of the day. No morning sickness. With Hailey I was worried about the cramps I was having from weeks 4-14, this time I've gotten them very rarely. My only real pregnancy symptoms are needing to pee lots, being hungry all the time (I feel into the trap last time and ate whatever I wanted "because I was pregnant" and still need to lose a bit of weight, so this time I'm eating more fruits and veggies) and I'm exhausted. Is it normal to want to go to bed at 6pm?
Yesterday morning at around 10am I was at work and suddenly got this really sharp pain that went across my stomach. It didn't last more then a few seconds and happened twice. I was so sure I was miscarrying but so far no blood and I haven't had much pain since. I guess I'm a little worried about ectopic pregnancy. If I go off what a normal cycle is, conception should have taken place on June 20th. We had sex on the 18th. I know sperm can survive for 2 days, but it just seems so unreal and really lucky. I just worry that the sperm made it to my fallopian tubes and waited till the egg appeared and stuck there. Maybe I'm just stressing for no reason. I'm really looking forward to my early ultrasound on Aug 3rd. 10 days away!!!!
I'm starting to worry about how attached I'm becoming to this pregnancy. I really have high hopes now. I guess in a way I feel like this baby is our chance at happiness. This baby will never replace Hailey, but I know that if we would've continued with the pregnancy I would still be pregnant with Hailey and this baby would not be here. I really think I'll be devestated if I miscarry. It's interesting though because I know that the heart has already begun to develop but I'm not worried about that. I'm stressing about miscarrying instead. Maybe I'll worry about the heart when we get past the 13 week mark. I also think that because I've decided we'll carry on with the pregnancy if we get another HLHS diagnosis I'm less worried. There won't be a decision to make. We've already dealt with being given that shocking news that I think I'm more prepared this time for the possibility.
Fingers crossed all goes well.
Yesterday morning at around 10am I was at work and suddenly got this really sharp pain that went across my stomach. It didn't last more then a few seconds and happened twice. I was so sure I was miscarrying but so far no blood and I haven't had much pain since. I guess I'm a little worried about ectopic pregnancy. If I go off what a normal cycle is, conception should have taken place on June 20th. We had sex on the 18th. I know sperm can survive for 2 days, but it just seems so unreal and really lucky. I just worry that the sperm made it to my fallopian tubes and waited till the egg appeared and stuck there. Maybe I'm just stressing for no reason. I'm really looking forward to my early ultrasound on Aug 3rd. 10 days away!!!!
I'm starting to worry about how attached I'm becoming to this pregnancy. I really have high hopes now. I guess in a way I feel like this baby is our chance at happiness. This baby will never replace Hailey, but I know that if we would've continued with the pregnancy I would still be pregnant with Hailey and this baby would not be here. I really think I'll be devestated if I miscarry. It's interesting though because I know that the heart has already begun to develop but I'm not worried about that. I'm stressing about miscarrying instead. Maybe I'll worry about the heart when we get past the 13 week mark. I also think that because I've decided we'll carry on with the pregnancy if we get another HLHS diagnosis I'm less worried. There won't be a decision to make. We've already dealt with being given that shocking news that I think I'm more prepared this time for the possibility.
Fingers crossed all goes well.
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