Friday, August 30, 2013
22/21 weeks
How far along? 22/21 weeks
Baby's size? Papaya/Pomegranate
Weight gain: starting pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 168.8 up 20.2 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup definitely. I recently went from medium to large in tops because it no longer covers all my belly.
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy.
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: Insomnia has set in
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE I'm going to have to use my nursing bras soon and I'm worried those wont fit in another 20 weeks.
Food aversions: The past couple days I haven't felt like eating much, but that's emotional not pregnancy related.
Food cravings: sweets
Best moments this week: Hearing and seeing the baby is healthy, finally filling out my maternity leave request
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Actually having an official due date!
The ultrasound and echo went well. They did the ultrasound first and right away I told him I didn't want any idea what the sex of the baby was and last time with Lauren I had a pretty good idea she was a girl from when they measured the femur so I asked for him to tell me when he would do that measurement so I could look away. He told me he would and I said that it was ok if Dan found out the sex. He told me he couldn't tell him and that all he could do was write it down in the report. I asked him not to as I didn't want the doctor accidentally telling me thinking I knew. So neither of us know the sex. Dan watched when he did those measurements and has an idea but nothing that will be confirmed at the moment. Since we did the 3D ultrasound with Lauren we've decided that we have to do it again with this baby too so around 30 weeks Dan will be able to find out for sure.
The baby gave the ultrasound tech a hard time and after a while he went to get the doctor to finish and do the echo. The first thing the doctor did was show me the sub chorionic hematoma or clot as she described it. It is sitting right over my cervix and you could see the baby kicking at it. She told me to expect to bleed old blood again during this pregnancy. Since it's over my cervix I asked if this would effect me having a natural delivery and she said no, it shouldn't be an issue. I'm assuming as my cervix dilates the clot will come out, likely causing bleeding but I bled through my labour with Lauren so nothing new there. Otherwise everything looks good. The tech told me that the baby was measuring 21 weeks 6 days which is only one day off MY EDD. When I said that's what I thought because the scan said I ovulated 2 days before a positive pregnancy test he then said that no, he had my previous scan and the baby is pretty much measuring exactly where it should be based on that one. I'm really really confused with this. Based on my early ultrasound I should've been 20 weeks 2 days not 21 and 6. My next doctors appointment is September 16th so we will definitely be discussing the due date then. I just want a date!!!!
When I filled out my maternity leave form I left my due date as January 12th and my first day on leave as January 13th (monday). I figure I'd rather move it ahead then move it back. Since I'm only taking the 17 weeks maternity and Dan is taking the 35 weeks parental I would like to work as long as possible to the due date. I worked into my 39th week with Lauren and felt great so hopefully I can do that again this time.
Sad
Sad isn't the right word. Depressed is probably more like it.
I've been feeling this coming on for a few weeks now. I thought it was just the build up to the ultrasound but that was 2 days ago and we now know that the baby is healthy yet here I am crying a lot, not eating and very barely sleeping. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I've been trying to bring it up with my husband but he really hasn't been there for me lately and I feel like that's just adding to my feelings. It took me until last night when friends stopped by to drop something off while Dan was away at work overnight and Lauren was sleeping over at my mum's so I didn't have to wake her up early in the morning for me to finally opened up to someone and I'm so glad I did.
At first I thought it was all about Dan. I've felt like we've been drifting further and further apart. He's working long hours (gone from 7:30am-7pm Mon-Fri yet this is all overtime he's not getting paid for) partly by choice, partly because he's car pooling. I'd told him over a month ago I was concerned with how little time he was spending with me and Lauren. Then a few days after that he mentions that he'd signed up to do ski patrol this year. I was and still am SO hurt by this. He's gone almost 12 hours a day and then wants to be gone every second weekend too, while we have a 2 year old and newborn. I just can't believe how he could even consider this let alone try to talk me into it. In the end I told him I wasn't going to say no because I know it's something he really wants to do but I wanted to be straight up. If he does do it then Lauren, myself and the baby will be moving in with my mum. I'm honestly not sure if our relationship could be saved if he did. He hasn't given me his decision yet. The past 2 weeks he's also been traveling for work. Partly due to them needing him but he's admitted that he's pushed and is still pushing to go away later this month. It just leaves me feeling like something must be wrong with me that he doesn't want to be around. What changed that he doesn't like spending time with me anymore? I've tried talking to him about it and he says it's not the case yet he continues to volunteer to be away after we have these conversations. I just don't know what to think and even with all we went through with Hailey I've never felt so alone in my marriage as I do right now, with no end in sight.
Now onto Hailey. I thought my depression was just fear for the ultrasound and echo we were having. I don't remember it being that hard to walk in the hospital again with Lauren. It took everything in me not to cry. I feel so guilty about this baby. I really feel nothing for it and I remember watching the screen and seeing the 4 chambers thinking about how I had wished so much to have seen that with Hailey. I actually wished to trade this baby for her. I feel like such a horrible person and mother for feeling that way. There is no real happiness that this baby is healthy on my part, I can't even focus on the baby right now. It's just there. Part of me really contemplated finding out the sex in hopes that it would allow me some little amount of bonding with this baby but I've always wanted the surprise and this is my last chance to have it.
Being there again brought all those emotions I felt with Hailey back. It hit me like a ton of bricks, how desperately I wanted her to be ok. How guilty I felt for ending the pregnancy. How I would've done anything to have her. It wasn't until talking to my friends that I realized a lot of the feelings I've had aren't really connected with Dan, it's my own issues. I'm not saying that things with Dan and I are perfect, far from but I'm hoping we can somehow work through them. I always said that if we could make it through losing Hailey we could make it through anything, except cheating.
I called and made an appointment with a psychologist for Wednesday. My work covers 3 appointments and I remember with Hailey my boss told me they'd never turn me down as so many people don't use theirs that they'd rather me get the help I need. The new company has taken over our extended benefits so we'll have to see if that's still the case. Even just having a date to talk to a professional has made me feel better and improved my mood. Dan should be home in a few hours and I'm not sure how I'll feel at that point. At work I felt sick thinking about him coming home. I know I'm not in a good place right now but I have to believe that now I've admitted it and am seeking help that it will get better.
I'm ok, I'll be ok. I'm just a little sad right now. I promise.
I've been feeling this coming on for a few weeks now. I thought it was just the build up to the ultrasound but that was 2 days ago and we now know that the baby is healthy yet here I am crying a lot, not eating and very barely sleeping. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I've been trying to bring it up with my husband but he really hasn't been there for me lately and I feel like that's just adding to my feelings. It took me until last night when friends stopped by to drop something off while Dan was away at work overnight and Lauren was sleeping over at my mum's so I didn't have to wake her up early in the morning for me to finally opened up to someone and I'm so glad I did.
At first I thought it was all about Dan. I've felt like we've been drifting further and further apart. He's working long hours (gone from 7:30am-7pm Mon-Fri yet this is all overtime he's not getting paid for) partly by choice, partly because he's car pooling. I'd told him over a month ago I was concerned with how little time he was spending with me and Lauren. Then a few days after that he mentions that he'd signed up to do ski patrol this year. I was and still am SO hurt by this. He's gone almost 12 hours a day and then wants to be gone every second weekend too, while we have a 2 year old and newborn. I just can't believe how he could even consider this let alone try to talk me into it. In the end I told him I wasn't going to say no because I know it's something he really wants to do but I wanted to be straight up. If he does do it then Lauren, myself and the baby will be moving in with my mum. I'm honestly not sure if our relationship could be saved if he did. He hasn't given me his decision yet. The past 2 weeks he's also been traveling for work. Partly due to them needing him but he's admitted that he's pushed and is still pushing to go away later this month. It just leaves me feeling like something must be wrong with me that he doesn't want to be around. What changed that he doesn't like spending time with me anymore? I've tried talking to him about it and he says it's not the case yet he continues to volunteer to be away after we have these conversations. I just don't know what to think and even with all we went through with Hailey I've never felt so alone in my marriage as I do right now, with no end in sight.
Now onto Hailey. I thought my depression was just fear for the ultrasound and echo we were having. I don't remember it being that hard to walk in the hospital again with Lauren. It took everything in me not to cry. I feel so guilty about this baby. I really feel nothing for it and I remember watching the screen and seeing the 4 chambers thinking about how I had wished so much to have seen that with Hailey. I actually wished to trade this baby for her. I feel like such a horrible person and mother for feeling that way. There is no real happiness that this baby is healthy on my part, I can't even focus on the baby right now. It's just there. Part of me really contemplated finding out the sex in hopes that it would allow me some little amount of bonding with this baby but I've always wanted the surprise and this is my last chance to have it.
Being there again brought all those emotions I felt with Hailey back. It hit me like a ton of bricks, how desperately I wanted her to be ok. How guilty I felt for ending the pregnancy. How I would've done anything to have her. It wasn't until talking to my friends that I realized a lot of the feelings I've had aren't really connected with Dan, it's my own issues. I'm not saying that things with Dan and I are perfect, far from but I'm hoping we can somehow work through them. I always said that if we could make it through losing Hailey we could make it through anything, except cheating.
I called and made an appointment with a psychologist for Wednesday. My work covers 3 appointments and I remember with Hailey my boss told me they'd never turn me down as so many people don't use theirs that they'd rather me get the help I need. The new company has taken over our extended benefits so we'll have to see if that's still the case. Even just having a date to talk to a professional has made me feel better and improved my mood. Dan should be home in a few hours and I'm not sure how I'll feel at that point. At work I felt sick thinking about him coming home. I know I'm not in a good place right now but I have to believe that now I've admitted it and am seeking help that it will get better.
I'm ok, I'll be ok. I'm just a little sad right now. I promise.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Echo results
Just a quick short message to say the ultrasound today went great and the baby is healthy. Will have to wait for my appointment with the doctor in 2-3 weeks to see if my due date changes but he said today the baby was measuring 21 weeks 6 days which is 1 day ahead of MY due date or 10 days ahead of the early ultrasound due date.
Will write more about the appointment on Friday for the 21/22 week update.
Will write more about the appointment on Friday for the 21/22 week update.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Tomorrow's the day
I'm starting to get really anxious about tomorrow. It's not even really just anxiety about if the baby is healthy, a large part is going back to that hospital again. The memories of our experiences have started to come flooding back and I'm starting to go into a depression this afternoon/evening. Hopefully by tomorrow it'll all go away and this will be the last time we step foot on that property (women's and children's hospital). I'm starting to wish I didn't request this. I'd rather not know at this point but I know if everything is alright I'll be glad we had the ultrasound and echo tomorrow. It's going to be a long night and morning.
Friday, August 23, 2013
19/20 weeks
How far along? 19/20 weeks
Baby's size? mango/Banana
Total weight gain: Starting pregnancy weight: 148.6lbs Now: 166.2 Up 17.6lbs
Bellybutton: In
Stretchmarks: I never got rid of the stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity Clothes: Nope
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: The baby's been moving and kicking A LOT! If I'm laying down sometimes I can see the movements and a little bum (or head?) poking out
Sleep: Pretty good
Symptoms: None really this week
Food Aversions: None
Food Cravings: Skittles, pizza today after it was mentioned at work
Best Moments this week: Feeling all the kicks and movements
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I am looking forward to: 1 week until the echo!
Baby's size? mango/Banana
Total weight gain: Starting pregnancy weight: 148.6lbs Now: 166.2 Up 17.6lbs
Bellybutton: In
Stretchmarks: I never got rid of the stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity Clothes: Nope
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: The baby's been moving and kicking A LOT! If I'm laying down sometimes I can see the movements and a little bum (or head?) poking out
Sleep: Pretty good
Symptoms: None really this week
Food Aversions: None
Food Cravings: Skittles, pizza today after it was mentioned at work
Best Moments this week: Feeling all the kicks and movements
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I am looking forward to: 1 week until the echo!
Up to now my anxiety and emotions have been fairly good. Then Wednesday hit. I woke up and could feel and see the baby moving in my lower tummy. I panicked. I'm not sure if it's because this made the whole pregnancy more real or what but I freaked out that this didn't happen with Hailey or Lauren so early and that something must be wrong to be able to see and feel the baby already. I just kept thinking how the day before we went into the hospital with Hailey that I was the only that could feel her kicks. How is it that at 19 weeks, possibly even 18 I can see as well as feel this movements? I lost it that afternoon. It all just hit me. I've been feeling really great about this pregnancy and life in general at the moment that it just seems like something bad is bound to happen. This is exactly how I felt with Hailey in the weeks leading up to her ultrasound. That life was going well and I was in a really good place only to have that all come crashing down.
Friday, August 9, 2013
18/19 weeks
How far along? 18/19 weeks
Baby's size? sweet potato/mango
Total weight gain: Starting pregnancy weight: 148.6lbs Now: 165.0 Up 16.4lbs (Yay only .2 lbs this week!)
Bellybutton: In
Stretchmarks: I never got rid of the stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity Clothes: Nope
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: little kicks and movements now!
Sleep: Started waking up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep for a while :(
Symptoms: My boobs have been killing me and are SO sensitive which I never had with my other pregnancies
Food Aversions:None
Food Cravings: gummies
Best Moments this week: Saw baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I am looking forward to: 2 weeks until the echo!
This morning while I was lying in bed on my back I felt the baby move. When I looked at my stomach I actually saw a little bit of movement!! I assume it was a little bum that moved positions? That's the only exciting this that happened this week pregnancy related.
I can't remember if I mentioned that I got a call saying my triple screen came back fine. I'll ask for the numbers at my appointment on the 19th. I also got my thyroid checked again last week. It's still well within normal pregnancy and I was thinking of stopping going for the bloodwork. I waited 6 weeks instead of the 4 I usually do and after speaking to the locum who's covering for my doctor this month (she was the student doctor who took care of me while pregnant with Lauren and lauren's first few check ups, LOVE HER!) She said that although it's unlikely to change at this point it's best to keep going every 4 weeks for the rest of the pregnancy just in case. If my thyroid does go up it's better to catch it early. My doctor doesn't like doing unnecessary tests so we'll see what she says next month when I go again. I fully trust my doctor and if she feels that it's no longer an issue I'm happy with that.
I still need to do Lauren 2 year post. Trying to find the time at the moment is hard. I'm only able to do this post while Lauren is watching an episode of Huckle on netflix, whcih apparently is her normal morning routine (it's my day off).
Baby's size? sweet potato/mango
Total weight gain: Starting pregnancy weight: 148.6lbs Now: 165.0 Up 16.4lbs (Yay only .2 lbs this week!)
Bellybutton: In
Stretchmarks: I never got rid of the stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity Clothes: Nope
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: little kicks and movements now!
Sleep: Started waking up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep for a while :(
Symptoms: My boobs have been killing me and are SO sensitive which I never had with my other pregnancies
Food Aversions:None
Food Cravings: gummies
Best Moments this week: Saw baby move
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I am looking forward to: 2 weeks until the echo!
This morning while I was lying in bed on my back I felt the baby move. When I looked at my stomach I actually saw a little bit of movement!! I assume it was a little bum that moved positions? That's the only exciting this that happened this week pregnancy related.
I can't remember if I mentioned that I got a call saying my triple screen came back fine. I'll ask for the numbers at my appointment on the 19th. I also got my thyroid checked again last week. It's still well within normal pregnancy and I was thinking of stopping going for the bloodwork. I waited 6 weeks instead of the 4 I usually do and after speaking to the locum who's covering for my doctor this month (she was the student doctor who took care of me while pregnant with Lauren and lauren's first few check ups, LOVE HER!) She said that although it's unlikely to change at this point it's best to keep going every 4 weeks for the rest of the pregnancy just in case. If my thyroid does go up it's better to catch it early. My doctor doesn't like doing unnecessary tests so we'll see what she says next month when I go again. I fully trust my doctor and if she feels that it's no longer an issue I'm happy with that.
I still need to do Lauren 2 year post. Trying to find the time at the moment is hard. I'm only able to do this post while Lauren is watching an episode of Huckle on netflix, whcih apparently is her normal morning routine (it's my day off).
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
17/18 weeks
How far along? 17/18 weeks
Baby's size? Onion/sweet potato
Total weight gain: Starting pregnancy weight: 148.6lbs Now: 164.8 Up 16.2lbs
Bellybutton: In
Stretchmarks: I never got rid of the stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity Clothes: Nope
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: Occasional, little kicks sometimes too
Sleep: Ok
Symptoms: My boobs have been killing me and are SO sensitive which I never had with my other pregnancies
Food Aversions:None
Food Cravings: gummies
Best Moments this week: Not pregnancy related but Lauren turned 2!!!!!
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I am looking forward to: 3 weeks until the echo! Feeling a bit anxious now that it's in the month and technically I could've found out any time around now if I'd not decided to wait until 20/21 weeks.
Baby's size? Onion/sweet potato
Total weight gain: Starting pregnancy weight: 148.6lbs Now: 164.8 Up 16.2lbs
Bellybutton: In
Stretchmarks: I never got rid of the stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity Clothes: Nope
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: Occasional, little kicks sometimes too
Sleep: Ok
Symptoms: My boobs have been killing me and are SO sensitive which I never had with my other pregnancies
Food Aversions:None
Food Cravings: gummies
Best Moments this week: Not pregnancy related but Lauren turned 2!!!!!
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I am looking forward to: 3 weeks until the echo! Feeling a bit anxious now that it's in the month and technically I could've found out any time around now if I'd not decided to wait until 20/21 weeks.
16.2 lbs...... YIKES!!! I talked to dan yesterday and I'm pretty sure that my weight increase is due to him not getting home until 7. What I've been doing is eating a snack at 5 to hold me over until dinner at 7. Starting this week Lauren and I are going to eat around 6/6:30 and then keep it warm for Dan at 7:15. We'll still sit with him while he's eating his dinner so we sort of get a family meal. Hopefully this will slow down my weight loss but in the long run I'm currently at my starting weight with Lauren so in the end I'm trying not to focus too much on weight. I'm not worried about the weight loss after pregnancy, I plan on doing a mini triathlon in June and that'll get my into shape hopefully fairly quickly. Maybe I'm being a little too ambitious?
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