Bad day

I'm having a bit of a rough afternoon. The day started out fine. I worked this morning but then I came home and watched the show Private Practice online and it's gotten me really down. I don't know wether I'm just more aware of the defect because it's affected us or if it's just that medical show writers became aware of the condition but it seems like the past few months there's been quite a few references to HLHS in different shows. I know some of them are done by the same writer.

Anyway the one I watched today was the parents were told the baby's HLHS was too severe to operate. This just brought back a flood of emotions and then it went on about how the family didn't want to hold the baby and connect knowing she'd die soon and talking about how it doesn't matter if you see the baby you'll still have to grieve for that child. I just makes me really miss Hailey. It makes me miss what could've been. And I'm completely torn. I wish so much things could've been different with Hailey. That she could've been alright but then I wouldn't be pregnant right now with this baby.

This pregnancy is turning out to be a lot harder then I thought it would be. I thought I'd find out the baby was healthy and be happy. Go about the rest of the pregnancy fairly normal. I think I've been worse and more stressed then I was before the echo! Now that I know everything is ok heart wise I just worry about the baby being born too prematurely or all the other horrible things that can go wrong. It's like a never ending cycle of worry and stress. My biggest fear at the moment is that I'll go into labour before 24 weeks. I've thought about this a lot for some reason. I dream about me begging the doctors to try and save the baby even when I know they won't help unless the baby is 24 weeks gestation (I've even dreamed about being in my 23rd week and lying so they'll do all they can.)

I think this all may have to do with a few things. I'm coming up to the point this pregnancy that we said goodbye in Hailey's pregnancy. I didn't think hitting that mark would affect me as much as it seems to. April 1st is also the date that we found out about Hailey's HLHS and on the 28 when she was born. I also have my next ultrasound on Tuesday and on top of that (we've been keeping this a secret and haven't even told our parents) we've booked a 3D ultrasound for tomorrow. I think we'll find out the sex and I suspicions it's a girl. Oh and the miscarriage pregnancy due date was March 14th. All these combined = me crying a lot!

I just have to remind myself....tomorrow will be a better day and if not at least I'll be one day closer to my due date!