Anniversaries

Some important dates are starting to come up. Tomorrow is the anniversary of when Dan proposed 5 years ago. As great as that is all I can think about is the anniversary the day after. April 1st is the day of our first fetal echo. I sit here and instead of thinking about Dan and I all I think about is how a year tomorrow was the last day before our lives changed forever. I remember sitting at A&W (where we always go for dinner on March 31st *long story*) talking about the ultrasound we were going to have the next day. We had no idea how different our lives were about to become.

April 1st 2010 was the start of the worst 4 weeks of my life. I think back to that time last year and it was horrible. I spent most of my time at home crying, researching and wanting all the doctor's to be wrong. Next came all the ultrasounds, doctor's appointments and on April 27th we went into the hospital and she was born 28th. I still remember holding her. I can still close my eyes and think back to that night and it seems so real like I can reach out and touch her. I still remember that feeling of seeing her for the first time and holding her. I remember how hard it was to say goodbye. I miss her so much.

As sad as this anniversary on April 1st is it's a bittersweet day. I just feel like Hailey is looking down on this baby and keeping it safe. April 1st I turn 24 weeks with Baby #2. How ironic that the day we found out our first child had a severe defect, a year to the day our second pregnancy reaches the stage of viability. I believe this baby has it's big sister watching over it. We had a picture of Hailey above the fireplace and I've just recently bought a new frame. It's now a picture of our family. Hailey, baby #2 and Dan and I. WE are a family and always will be. If we decide to have another baby we'll rearrange the frame and take out the pic of myself and Dan and have the frame be of all our children. Here's what it looks like at the moment.

22 Weeks

How far along? 22 weeks 
Baby's size? Papaya
Total Weight Gain: 16 lbs.... 178 lbs now.
Bellybutton:  In although not as deep as it was...
Stretchmarks: The colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Yup
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: Lots!
Sleep: Pretty good
Symptoms: Finally enjoying the second trimester
Food Aversions: None!
Food Cravings: Candy
Best Moments this week: Seeing the baby at 3D ultrasound
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: I have my next ultrasound at the hospital this Wednesday


So we did the 3D ultrasound on Sunday. I still find it creepy but most admit I'm really glad we did it. I now have video of the baby moving around and kicking me! We've booked the second one for when I'm 31 weeks. I also gave in and found out the sex. I'm happy with this decision too although I stress a little wondering what if she got it wrong! I'm not very good at lying so when someone asks if we know what it is I say Dan found out. Technically not lying but you'd be able to tell from my face if I said no. As far as I know none of my friends or family know about this blog but just incase Dan has said I'm not allowed to post on here what it is (which I find really annoying and frustrating.) We'd already picked out our names for both sexes, although you never know that may change. At the moment it's Jackson for a boy and Makayla for a girl (we're still working on the spelling for Makayla and I've just asked Dan about the spelling and he says the name Makayla is too hard to try to spell.....??) We took flowers flowers to the grave today. I picked a pink one for me, a different pink one for the baby and Dan chose an orange one. I've been feeling a little guilty lately about being pregnant again. Here's a pic of the baby in 3D. Apparently the baby spent most of the time playing with the umbilical cord which I know is normal but really freaks me out.

Bad day

I'm having a bit of a rough afternoon. The day started out fine. I worked this morning but then I came home and watched the show Private Practice online and it's gotten me really down. I don't know wether I'm just more aware of the defect because it's affected us or if it's just that medical show writers became aware of the condition but it seems like the past few months there's been quite a few references to HLHS in different shows. I know some of them are done by the same writer.

Anyway the one I watched today was the parents were told the baby's HLHS was too severe to operate. This just brought back a flood of emotions and then it went on about how the family didn't want to hold the baby and connect knowing she'd die soon and talking about how it doesn't matter if you see the baby you'll still have to grieve for that child. I just makes me really miss Hailey. It makes me miss what could've been. And I'm completely torn. I wish so much things could've been different with Hailey. That she could've been alright but then I wouldn't be pregnant right now with this baby.

This pregnancy is turning out to be a lot harder then I thought it would be. I thought I'd find out the baby was healthy and be happy. Go about the rest of the pregnancy fairly normal. I think I've been worse and more stressed then I was before the echo! Now that I know everything is ok heart wise I just worry about the baby being born too prematurely or all the other horrible things that can go wrong. It's like a never ending cycle of worry and stress. My biggest fear at the moment is that I'll go into labour before 24 weeks. I've thought about this a lot for some reason. I dream about me begging the doctors to try and save the baby even when I know they won't help unless the baby is 24 weeks gestation (I've even dreamed about being in my 23rd week and lying so they'll do all they can.)

I think this all may have to do with a few things. I'm coming up to the point this pregnancy that we said goodbye in Hailey's pregnancy. I didn't think hitting that mark would affect me as much as it seems to. April 1st is also the date that we found out about Hailey's HLHS and on the 28 when she was born. I also have my next ultrasound on Tuesday and on top of that (we've been keeping this a secret and haven't even told our parents) we've booked a 3D ultrasound for tomorrow. I think we'll find out the sex and I suspicions it's a girl. Oh and the miscarriage pregnancy due date was March 14th. All these combined = me crying a lot!

I just have to remind myself....tomorrow will be a better day and if not at least I'll be one day closer to my due date!

21 weeks

How far along? 21 weeks 
Baby's size? Banana
Total Weight Gain: 15 lbs.... 177 lbs now.
Bellybutton:  In and probably will stay that way
Stretchmarks: The colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Yup
Gender:  Dan will find our on Sunday, I'm planning on keeping the surprise
Movement: Lots!
Sleep: Pretty good
Symptoms: Finally enjoying the second trimester
Food Aversions: None!
Food Cravings: Candy
Best Moments this week: Hearing this baby is so far heart healthy!!!!!!!
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: We aren't planning on telling anyone until after but we've booked a 3D ultrasound for Sunday. Can't wait to see the baby again :)

ultrasound

I'm exhausted and really want to go to bed but thought I'd quickly give you the good news.... the baby has a 4 chamber heart! I'll write more about the appointment and how I'm feeling about everything tomorrow.

*UPDATE*
So we had the ultrasound/echo yesterday. The appointment was meant to be at 1:45 but we didn't get in until after 3 (which really sucks with a full bladder!) Then I felt bad because the tech apologized and said it's been a crazy day and that 4 out of the 5 echo's done so far had had issues. My heart really went out to those families. That was us less then a year ago and it's such devastating news. However I told the ultrasound tech that she must be due for a nice simple ultrasound with nothing wrong, and that's exactly what we got!
The baby is not only heart healthy, but healthy in every way. The cardiologist did warn us that some left ventricle defects can't be seen at 20 weeks and she gave a few examples like small holes etc. I asked if any of the possible defects would be serious and she said no, nothing that can't be fixed. I'm totally fine if there's an issue in the future as long as it's fixable and the baby can survive. At the end of the appointment she asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby and I said no, much to my mum and Dan's disappointment!

I've been thinking about this today and I think I know why I don't want to know the sex. I say it's because I've always imagined giving birth and having the doctor say "it's a......." but I think what it really is is I don't want to have to start shopping for clothes and planning for this specific baby. I feel like as soon as I let my guard down something will go wrong. Dan has been begging me to get a crib (in fact last weekend while at the mall he asked if we could buy it since I said I wouldn't end the pregnancy no matter what was wrong.) A crib just seems so final. I still can't except that I'll likely have a baby in my house in August. All I can think about is what if we get this crib and something happens. I don't want to have to walk into the room after leaving the hospital again without our baby and see the crib sitting there just waiting for a baby we no longer have. I've made a compromise that we can go get the crib when I'm 23 weeks.

I forgot to mention that when the cardiologist mentioned the possibility of heart defects developing later in the pregnancy I asked if that's why maternal fetal medicine at the hospital had ordered ultrasounds every 2 weeks. She said  no and then looked in my chart and said "oh that's to check your cervix because of that thing on there." What the hell does that mean? I can only assume it's the scarring but now I'm freaking out a little. I don't even want to think about the C word coming back. I have my last appointment with my GP tomorrow so I'll ask her. I'm not too worried at the moment. Even if the cancer has come back I'd like to think the worst that happens is once I deliver they do a hysterectomy or I get treatment. As much as I've always wanted at least 2 children, I'd be more then happy if we can only have 1 living. This baby is my number one priority. No matter what it is I'm not stressing much. I've proven I can carry a baby to at least 24 weeks and even then it took 36 hours from the start of induction to delivery.

20 weeks

How far along? 20 weeks (half way!!)
Baby's size? Cantaloupe
Total Weight Gain: 13 lbs.... 175 lbs now.
Bellybutton:  In and probably will stay that way
Stretchmarks: The colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Yup
Gender:  Undecided if we'll find out
Movement: Can't believe how much more the baby is kicking this week!
Sleep: Depends on the night
Symptoms: Finally enjoying the second trimester
Food Aversions: None!
Food Cravings: Candy
Best Moments this week: It's all been pretty good
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: Ultrasound/ECHO tomorrow!!!!!!!


I thought I'd do one last post before the all important appointment tomorrow. I was feeling ok about the appointment until Sunday. Slowly the panic and anxiety is starting to set in. I've been trying to keep myself busy and not think too much about tomorrow. Tonight was planned out so I wouldn't be home too much. Go for a walk with my mum, come home and started dinner at 4:30, eat at 5:20, watch an episode of the first 48 on netflix, go to our perinatal loss group from 7-9 then get ready and go to bed. Tomorrow will be much of the same. Wake up, get ready, go for a walk with my mum, find something to do for an hour, go for lunch with my mum and sister and Dan will meet us after lunch (he doesn't like the restaurant) and from there my mum, Dan and I will drive to the appointment together.

Ultrasounds

I went to pick up the requisitions for all the ultrasounds I'll be having done every 2 weeks. Turns out it's not really to check my cervix (although they will with the scan.) Here's what the requisitions say:

EXAM REQUESTED: OB scan-biophysical profile, cervix
RELEVANT HISTORY: Previous pregnancy had hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Will be having detailed scan at Women's hospital on March 8, but will need q2weekly scans as per the request by maternal fetal med, with biophysical profile and cervix length.
REASON FOR EXAM: Assessment of fetal health

This makes me REALLY happy. Not only do I now know there's nothing to worry about with my cervix I also feel a huge relief knowing that they will be making sure the baby is ok and healthy every 2 weeks. As I've said before my biggest fear isn't necessarily having another HLHS baby, it's losing this baby any possible way. This will help me cope with me anxieties and hopefully help the time left in the pregnancy go faster.

I now also know it wasn't my gp but fetal maternal medicine from the hospital who requested it and it really makes me feel so lucky to have the OB care I've had from the hospital, not just with this pregnancy but with Hailey's as well.