A rough night

I woke up this morning at about 4:30 and for some reason the first thought that came into my head was what if there's not enough amniotic fluid?  I haven't written anything because it's kinda embarrassing and most likely too much information but for the past couple weeks I've noticed I've been "leaking". There's been a few drops when I go to the bathroom and in december when I was doing that project with work I was teamed up with a girl who was 8 months pregnant and she was telling me that she went to the doctor because she was concerned she was leaking amniotic fluid and it her doctor told her it was just a little pee due to stretching of her pelvic floor. I've been assuming this is what it was (or cervical mucus) but out of nowhere I woke up last night and got really worried.

I honestly don't think it's anything. I think it's really starting to hit me that our appointment's just over a week away. I can honestly say I'm terrified. My husband woke up from my crying and he let me cry and we talked for over an hour about my fears. My whole idea of a defence mechanism of not getting attached to this baby is a joke. Of course I'm attached. How can you not when you feel it kicking and moving around. I'm feeling better now after a few more hours sleep but I think the anxiety and stress is just going to get worse the closer we get to March 8th.

I know everyone handles this situation differently but it really bugs me how I try to start talking about how I'm feeling and people just cut me off saying "I'm sure everything will be fine." YOU ALL SAID THAT LAST TIME WHEN WE HAD TO GO FOR THE ECHO AND LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT. When I started to tell Dan the story about how I was upset that we could be going through it all again soon (from the last post) I didn't even get to the part about the baby giving me a good nudge before he cut me off and said "don't think about it, everything will be fine." When I was telling the story to my mum yesterday she said the same thing at the same time Dan did. This is why this blog has been so great for me. I try not to think about everyone reading it but at the end of the day this is a place for me to really say how I feel and not worry or care if I'm judged for it. It also helps knowing that no one I know reads it or even knows it exists (except my husband who has respected my wish not to read it at this point of our journey.) I'm thinking of calling up to make another appointment with the psychologist this week. The people I really want to talk to about it are the people who are really close to me and this baby and are dealing with it differently.

19 weeks

How far along? 19 weeks
Baby's size? Mango
Total Weight Gain: 11 lbs.... 173 lbs now.
Bellybutton:  in and probably will stay that way
Stretchmarks: the colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Yup
Gender:  Undecided if we'll find out
Movement: Lots of little kicks now
Sleep: Depends on the night
Symptoms: Finally enjoying the second trimester
Food Aversions: None!
Food Cravings: I've been craving coffee lately. Not the caffein but the coffee taste so I've been making decaf again
Best Moments this week: Feeling the baby move when I was sad/worried
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: 1 week until ultrasound/echo!


I've been fighting a cold this week. It started on Monday and I'm now starting to feel better. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected and much better then the cold I had while pregnant with Hailey! I'm starting to think about if we'll find out the sex. I was going through our baby clothes and we really don't have all that much. I'm thinking I don't really want to go shopping with a newborn and at the moment I don't think there's even enough clothes to last a week. It'd be really nice to know what to buy for instead of keeping it neutral. I don't know. At least I have a little over a week to think about it.


I'm currently planning my sister's bacheloretty party so I went to the only 2 maternity stores close to my place (close means 1 being 40 minutes away.) I'm really getting frustrated. Why do they make a large portion of maternity clothes so ugly? I just want a nice simple dress to wear that isn't black and doesn't have a horrible pattern. Or even just a decent shirt I can go out with. We have to go for a bit of a drive tomorrow to pick up Dan's brother who's flying into the US so we now plan to leave earlier and stop at a few malls on our way. I try to shop as much as I can in Canada. As bad as the US economy is I'd rather help ours but I really need something. Hopefully the clothing is better down there. It's going to be a late night tomorrow for us.


Oh and while we were at one of the store here someone asked me how far along I was. I told her 19 weeks and this lady who was there with her mum overheard me and said she was too. I looked  at her stomach and then said "yeah it's my second" and she said same with her! Then her mum said "are you sure it's not twins!" I like my belly and I'm so glad I'm passed that awkward is she fat or pregnant stage. I'll put a pic up. Am I big for 19 weeks? Personally I think everyone carries differently so you can't really judge off the size of bump.


One last thing I wanted to add this week. Yesterday I was driving to work and started panicking. I was thinking about our upcoming appointment at the hospital and realized that in just over a week we could be going through the same thing again. It's really scary to think about and I was starting to cry and get upset when suddenly the baby moved into a really awkward position and it's bum or head was trying to come out of my left side. The baby doesn't move too much in the morning and it just felt like the baby was trying to tell me it'll be ok. I know that probably sounds stupid but I need to believe it at the  moment. Either way that movement made me smile and happy and after a few minutes the baby turned again and stopped moving, almost as if "ok I've made you feel better now I can go back to sleep."

18 weeks

How far along? 18 weeks
Baby's size? Sweet potato
Total Weight Gain: 9lbs.... I've lost 2 pounds this week. 171lbs now.
Bellybutton:  in and probably will stay that way.
Stretchmarks: the colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Mostly
Gender:  Don't think we'll find out
Movement: Lots of little kicks now
Sleep: Depends on the night.
Symptoms: Finally enjoying the second trimester
Food Aversions: None!
Food Cravings: I've been craving coffee lately. Not the caffein but the coffee taste so I've been making decaf again.
Best Moments this week: Listening to the heartbeat :)
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: 2 more weeks until ultrasound/echo


Dan's brother is out visiting. He arrived Friday night and they've been skiing all weekend and again tomorrow. His brother then heads down to Utah to meet up with his parents and then back to Canada to visit his inlaws (I'm assuming Dan's parents will go visit them as well.) I've been asking Dan for a couple weeks if his parents decided to go on the holiday or not and he said he didn't think they were. Then on the drive home from the airport his brother was talking about someone house sitting for them which I thought was strange since his parents live right next door. Then last night his brother asked if he'd gotten the e-mail from his mum to say they arrived in Las Vegas. I haven't talked to Dan about it yet but I'm assuming he knew they were coming out and didn't tell me to not stress me out.


I've been really worried the past few hours. I've been getting a pain in my lower right side just above my pubic bone which I'd been putting off as ligament pain and then thought it was just the baby sitting funny since it was there for 10 minutes then went away. Well when I stood up from dinner I got a REALLY sharp pain that made be double over and hold my stomach. It lasted for about 10 seconds. I know I'm probably worried for nothing but the pain is now lower down below my pubic bone and it's a constant pain. I've just checked the heartbeat and it's still going strong at 148 (although I did my whole stomach this this trying to find the placenta and I've found that i can pretty much find the baby's heartbeat anywhere on my stomach!)  


I've only just come to realize how terrified I really am to lose this baby. I'm trying not to think about it too much but I just don't know how I'd cope or if I could. I just want the pain to go away and what I'd really like is to go back to that naivety I had with Hailey's pregnancy. I want to believe that everything will be ok. I've been so happy all day because the baby's been very active and I've been enjoying feeling him/her move around and kick me. I think I've finally started to bond with the baby and now I'm just so scared to lose him/her. 
Wow having to write him/her is going to get really annoying if we make it to 40 weeks without finding out the sex!!!!! Trying to stay positive. I'm sure I'm just over reacting :)

17 weeks

How far along? 17 weeks
Baby's size? Onion
Total Weight Gain: 11lbs.... I've gained 5 in 2 weeks (I've been slacking at going to the gym)
Bellybutton:  in and probably will stay that way.
Stretchmarks: the colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Mostly
Gender:  Don't think we'll find out
Movement: More often now
Sleep: besides getting up to pee lots sleep has been great!
Symptoms: Finally enjoying the second trimester
Food Aversions: None!
Food Cravings: I've been craving coffee lately. Not the caffein but the coffee taste so I've been making decaf again.
Best Moments this week: Felt the first kick at my doctor's appointment thursday!
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: 3 more weeks until ultrasound/echo

Dr's appointment today

Today was my 16 week doctor's appointment. I met with the student doctor first and it seemed to be going well. After doing measurements and using the doppler we talked about my ultrasound at the hospital and I asked if it was an echo as well. She pulled up the referral and confirmation but couldn't figure out if it was or not. I did notice the message back from the hospital mentioned something about ultrasound x 2 weeks at my local hospital which I thought was a little strange. She then went to get my GP and she asked how I was doing then got straight to the point! She doesn't want me to see a mid wife and instead of going to a maternity group ( a group of GP's that deal only with pregnancy) she wants to send me to an OB. She also said that yes they will do the echo with the anatomy scan and that she's setting up for me to have ultrasounds on my cervix every 2 weeks starting at 22 weeks (because they'll do the first at my 20 week scan and echo.) I didn't ask why and I'm not sure I really want to know. I'll ask at my next and last appointment with her on March. 10th. I can only assume it's because of my previous cervical cancer and the treatments I've had done, but when I spoke the doctor's with Hailey pregnancy and questioned how it would affect it they weren't concerned at all. The only potential issue would be at birth and what they said may happen did (that it wouldn't appear I was dilating and then all of a sudden I'd be fully dilated and ready to push.)

I didn't ask because I'd rather be oblivious to any potential issues at the moment. With only being 17 weeks tomorrow there's nothing that can be done at this stage so I'd rather not know and worry. On a different note something really strange happened last night. I went to bed and woke up at 12:30 absolutely freezing. I had all the sheets on me but I was shivering and shaking so badly it woke Dan up. It took about 10 minutes of him holding me to warm me up but when I talked to him this morning he said I felt warmer then him so I'm not quite sure what that was about. I told the doctor about it and she asked if I'd checked my temp. I didn't but I'll sleep with the thermometer next to me tonight just incase it happens again, which she said if it did to come back in and see her.

16 weeks

How far along? 16 weeks
Baby's size? Avocado
Total Weight Gain: I didn't weight me this week!
Bellybutton:  in and probably will stay that way.
Stretchmarks: the colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Switched to maternity this weekend.
Gender:  Don't think we'll find out
Movement: Occasionally
Sleep: I want to sleep at 8pm!
Symptoms: Still get occasional morning sickness/
Food Aversions: Loving food at the moment!
Food Cravings: I normally hate milk but I could drink it all day.
Best Moments this week: Got my ultrasound date yesterday!
What I miss: not feeling worried.
What I am Looking forward to: Doppler Tuesday today! And my 16 week Dr. Appointment on Thursday.


So as it says I found out I have a date for my ultrasound! It's at the same hospital as last time and I phoned the office today but the receptionist didn't know if it's for just the ultrasound or the echo too. I'm fine either way. Kind of hoping it's just an ultrasound and then we can do the echo later in the pregnancy. It's on March 8th so I'll be in my 20th week. It's kind of exciting to know that in exactly 4 weeks today we'll get to see this baby and hopefully hear it's healthy.


Dan e-mailed the city on Wednesday to ask why the marker still hadn't been placed and they replied that same day to say that there was a mix up and the order was put in my grandfathers name instead of Hailey's so they installed it the next day. I was really emotional Wednesday night because I'd always thought of this as the last little bit of closure and I kept starting to cry thinking I wasn't ready. I went to the grave Thursday and it was good. She'll always be with me and I'll never forget her no matter what.