IT'S A BOY!!!!!
I'm going to do multiple posts for birth story and what's gone on since. He's considered a preemie and he does have some preemie related issues but he's home with us now. His birth weight was 5lbs 13 oz. I'm still in shock to have an early baby. I already had my eyes set on the January 22nd induction date. We've named him Jackson but quite often find ourselves calling him Jack so sorry if it's confusing, I'm sure I'll end up using both randomly.
Lauren has been such a great big sister. She absolutely adores her little brother and showers him with love. It's so cool to watch the bond form that will only get stronger as time goes on. I'm so proud of her, of both of them.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
37 weeks FULL TERM!!!!!!
How far along? 37 weeks
Baby's size? Winter melon
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 197.2 Up 48.6 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, sometimes painful and more frequent, heartburn
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Kraft dinner
Best moments this week: hearing baby is still heart healthy
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms, massage tomorrow!!!
I had an ultrasound on Tuesday. We thought the baby was breech and she wanted to check the growth as I was measuring 34 weeks at the last appointment. The appointment was at 8am at the hospital and of course 11pm I felt the baby turn and start kicking my up high so I knew it was no longer breech!!! They also checked the heart and as far as they can tell the baby is still heart healthy. He had some trouble getting a view of the 4 chambers and when I explained that this was the most important view for us he tried harder and showed me a picture of what he thought was 4 chambers, which from experience I know was. The only issue with the ultrasound was that I was supposed to be 36 weeks 3 days and the baby was measuring 34 weeks 2 days and weighing only 4 lbs 12 oz. I spoke to the OB the next day and she said it's still within "normal" range and nothing to worry about at this point but we'll keep an eye on my stomach growth.
I feel like I know why the baby hasn't grown as fast as my others. The anxiety. The baby was spot on the Jan. 12 due date at my 21 week ultrasound/echo so it's only been the last 16 weeks the growth has slowed which is when the anxiety really picked up. This is one of the reasons my doctors pushed me to go on meds. It was better for the baby and anxiety can cause low birth weight etc. No one wants to come out and tell me this is likely the reason, I assume in fear I'll feel guilty and I would've 4 weeks ago. This is how I know the meds are working. Honestly the way I'm looking at it is that I didn't know. If I'd known I would've started them earlier. I can't change what's already happened all I know is that now I'm doing what's best for myself and the baby. The baby is healthy other then on the smaller side and that's all that matter. It just means I may get some use out of the newborn clothes Lauren fit into for a week!
My braxton hicks have really picked up the past couple days. Occasionally they're painful and move to my back. In fact I've had 4 in the last 40 minutes. I get hopeful that this baby will come soon but then I think about how our lives will change and how this will be my past pregnancy and start to try to enjoy the movements more. I've given into that likelihood that this baby will most likely need to be induced, which by the way will be no later then January 22. Nearly 1 month until I know for certain I will no longer be pregnant and will get to hold this last piece of our family puzzle in my arms.
Baby's size? Winter melon
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 197.2 Up 48.6 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, sometimes painful and more frequent, heartburn
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Kraft dinner
Best moments this week: hearing baby is still heart healthy
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms, massage tomorrow!!!
I had an ultrasound on Tuesday. We thought the baby was breech and she wanted to check the growth as I was measuring 34 weeks at the last appointment. The appointment was at 8am at the hospital and of course 11pm I felt the baby turn and start kicking my up high so I knew it was no longer breech!!! They also checked the heart and as far as they can tell the baby is still heart healthy. He had some trouble getting a view of the 4 chambers and when I explained that this was the most important view for us he tried harder and showed me a picture of what he thought was 4 chambers, which from experience I know was. The only issue with the ultrasound was that I was supposed to be 36 weeks 3 days and the baby was measuring 34 weeks 2 days and weighing only 4 lbs 12 oz. I spoke to the OB the next day and she said it's still within "normal" range and nothing to worry about at this point but we'll keep an eye on my stomach growth.
I feel like I know why the baby hasn't grown as fast as my others. The anxiety. The baby was spot on the Jan. 12 due date at my 21 week ultrasound/echo so it's only been the last 16 weeks the growth has slowed which is when the anxiety really picked up. This is one of the reasons my doctors pushed me to go on meds. It was better for the baby and anxiety can cause low birth weight etc. No one wants to come out and tell me this is likely the reason, I assume in fear I'll feel guilty and I would've 4 weeks ago. This is how I know the meds are working. Honestly the way I'm looking at it is that I didn't know. If I'd known I would've started them earlier. I can't change what's already happened all I know is that now I'm doing what's best for myself and the baby. The baby is healthy other then on the smaller side and that's all that matter. It just means I may get some use out of the newborn clothes Lauren fit into for a week!
My braxton hicks have really picked up the past couple days. Occasionally they're painful and move to my back. In fact I've had 4 in the last 40 minutes. I get hopeful that this baby will come soon but then I think about how our lives will change and how this will be my past pregnancy and start to try to enjoy the movements more. I've given into that likelihood that this baby will most likely need to be induced, which by the way will be no later then January 22. Nearly 1 month until I know for certain I will no longer be pregnant and will get to hold this last piece of our family puzzle in my arms.
Friday, December 13, 2013
36 weeks
How far along? 36 weeks
Baby's size? Honeydew
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 194.6 Up 46 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, sometimes painful and more frequent
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Kraft dinner
Best moments this week: Meeting my OB
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms
I'll start off my saying that I'm feeling and doing so much better since starting the meds 2 weeks ago. I can't believe the difference it's made and I'm so glad I made the decision to go on them.
This week has been a good week. I met with the OB yesterday and am really happy with her. She's new in town so has few patients and lots of time. My appointment yesterday took 20 minutes and there was no one waiting when I came out. I do suspect I'll be her first patient to have a baby. The maternity group didn't send over my chart so we went over my history. When I mentioned I was taking zoloft she replied "good, I was prepared to have a nice long chat with you about how it's a good idea to go on it and that it wouldn't harm the baby." I never hurts hearing that again from a 4th doctor though.
I explained that I think I'm actually further along then my Jan. 12th due date since the dates don't really work out with my positive test but when she measured my stomach she was a little concerned about the possibility I may be 37 weeks since I was barely measuring 34. She said she'd order an ultrasound to make sure everything's ok and check my previous ultrasounds when the file comes in. She then felt the baby and confirmed my suspicion, the baby is breech which is a second reason for the ultrasound too. I said I'm happy having one because I know that heart issues can arise later in pregnancy and it would be nice to double check that everything is still good. She said she'd add on the request to check the heart again but that at this late stage it can be more difficult to see anything. I mentioned that the baby has occasionally turned head down in the past, mostly overnight as I will wake up to kicks to the ribs but always within a few hours of being up the baby has turned back to breech. She said this was called an unstable (something, can't remember!) and that likely we'll try to turn the baby later and then induce right away. She always talked about if I ended up needing a c section if I'd want a tubal at the same time. I said yes. Dan and I sort of disagree in this area but I don't want to risk another pregnancy so if she's already there mine as well make it permanent. Dan will also be getting a vasectomy when he finally calls.
That's pretty much it for the week. Next week I have an appointment with the mental health nurse, my OB and then friday I've booked a prenatal massage. I'm really looking forward to that last one!!
Baby's size? Honeydew
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 194.6 Up 46 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, sometimes painful and more frequent
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Kraft dinner
Best moments this week: Meeting my OB
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms
I'll start off my saying that I'm feeling and doing so much better since starting the meds 2 weeks ago. I can't believe the difference it's made and I'm so glad I made the decision to go on them.
This week has been a good week. I met with the OB yesterday and am really happy with her. She's new in town so has few patients and lots of time. My appointment yesterday took 20 minutes and there was no one waiting when I came out. I do suspect I'll be her first patient to have a baby. The maternity group didn't send over my chart so we went over my history. When I mentioned I was taking zoloft she replied "good, I was prepared to have a nice long chat with you about how it's a good idea to go on it and that it wouldn't harm the baby." I never hurts hearing that again from a 4th doctor though.
I explained that I think I'm actually further along then my Jan. 12th due date since the dates don't really work out with my positive test but when she measured my stomach she was a little concerned about the possibility I may be 37 weeks since I was barely measuring 34. She said she'd order an ultrasound to make sure everything's ok and check my previous ultrasounds when the file comes in. She then felt the baby and confirmed my suspicion, the baby is breech which is a second reason for the ultrasound too. I said I'm happy having one because I know that heart issues can arise later in pregnancy and it would be nice to double check that everything is still good. She said she'd add on the request to check the heart again but that at this late stage it can be more difficult to see anything. I mentioned that the baby has occasionally turned head down in the past, mostly overnight as I will wake up to kicks to the ribs but always within a few hours of being up the baby has turned back to breech. She said this was called an unstable (something, can't remember!) and that likely we'll try to turn the baby later and then induce right away. She always talked about if I ended up needing a c section if I'd want a tubal at the same time. I said yes. Dan and I sort of disagree in this area but I don't want to risk another pregnancy so if she's already there mine as well make it permanent. Dan will also be getting a vasectomy when he finally calls.
That's pretty much it for the week. Next week I have an appointment with the mental health nurse, my OB and then friday I've booked a prenatal massage. I'm really looking forward to that last one!!
Friday, December 6, 2013
35 weeks
How far along? 35 weeks
Baby's size? Coconut
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 191.5 Up 42.9 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: 1% milk, mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Starting meds
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms
This week everything seemed to fall into place. I got an appointment date to see my new OB, my short term disability was approved and I started on the anti anxiety meds. I'll go a little into each of these.
Overall it's been a good week for anxiety. It's still there and it still has a strong hold on most things I do but I've been able to control the panic attacks through breathing. When I feel myself getting worked up I take deep breaths and concentrate on my breathing. So far this has managed to calm me down enough. I started my meds on Wednesday morning. I talked to my doctor Monday and she said she'd researched over the weekend and zoloft looked like the best and safest option for pregnancy and breastfeeding. She asked me which pharmacy I wanted it faxed to. I went to pick up the prescription around 4:30 to start taking that night with dinner only to find the doctors office never faxed it in. When I got home there was a message from the receptionist telling me I had a prescription waiting for me at the office and I could come pick it up. Of course it was 5:02 when I got home and the office stops taking calls at 5. I know I've said this before but I really hate the receptionists at her office. My doctor is awesome and I love her but it all falls short with the receptionist. Tuesday morning I called and said that I'd spoken to the doctor and it was supposed to be faxed to the pharmacy so could they please do that as I wasn't going to have a car within office hours until Thursday to come pick it up. They did and I picked up the prescription that night. I decided to take it in the mornings instead of at dinner just because I already take my iron and prenatal's at night so I thought it would be easier to space them out. I'm not one to forget to take pills so it's not a big deal taking stuff twice a day, at least not now, we'll see once the baby comes! I also had my appointment with the psychiatrist Thursday. It went well. She agreed that my doctor had chosen the best medication and suggested that if I don't notice a difference in the next 2 weeks with anxiety or sleep to up the dosage from 25mg to 50 mg and stay on that until the baby is born then adjust if needed. My doctor only did the prescription for 30 days so I'll go back and see her at the end of december and decide what to do from there. I'm feeling better about being on this medication. If I have to be on anything it makes me feel better knowing that I'm on the safest possible and that I can breastfeed while on it.
I'm looking forward to seeing the OB this coming Thursday. It doesn't sound like she'll have my file at that point and it seems to be more of a meet and greet but that's fine. Really all they do at 35 weeks is check bp, urine, measure tummy and check the heart beat anyway so it's not that big of a deal if she doesn't have my file. I'll ask all my questions when I see her for my 36 week appointment when I assume she'll do the group b swab.
I'm so happy to finally have less stress about my short term disability claim. I still haven't received any paperwork but I called Tuesday afternoon and spoke to someone. She said my claim had been approved and that I should've received my first payment on the 29th but sometimes the first one can be delayed waiting for it to clear. Sure enough it came into my account the next morning! It's such a relief and at the moment it still covers the mortgage payments. The only issue is that my claim was only approved until December 27th. I couldn't figure this out and my boss even called to ask what was going on and if I was planning to come back to work for 2 weeks. I was going to wait for the paperwork to come in the mail and see if there was an explanation on it but I think I figured it out last night. The primary diagnosis was threatened pre term labour. The std coverage stops when I hit 38 weeks, if I go into labour it'll no longer be pre term. I now have to decide what I want to do after that point. Ideally I want to start my maternity leave on the 13th. Which is originally what I had put down but of course that all changes if I have the baby before my due date. I'll have to call them closer to the return to work date and see what I need to do to add those extra 2 weeks. Does my OB need to refill out the forms or just write a letter saying the secondary diagnosis (anxiety) is now the primary diagnosis and I will be off for the extra 2 weeks until my maternity leave starts on my due date or I may just decide to screw it and start my mat leave 2 weeks early which really cuts into the time I get with the baby. Hopefully this baby will come a little early and I won't need to worry about that!
Pregnancy wise everything is good. The baby still puts a knee and feet out my lower side so I have a suspicion it's still breech. A couple times I've waken up to the baby kicking the top part of my stomach but by the afternoon I've felt it turn back and the kicks are low down again. Maybe a c section at 39 weeks? As much I'd rather not have one I'm ok with it as long as they tie my tubes at the same time!!
Baby's size? Coconut
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 191.5 Up 42.9 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: 1% milk, mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Starting meds
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms
This week everything seemed to fall into place. I got an appointment date to see my new OB, my short term disability was approved and I started on the anti anxiety meds. I'll go a little into each of these.
Overall it's been a good week for anxiety. It's still there and it still has a strong hold on most things I do but I've been able to control the panic attacks through breathing. When I feel myself getting worked up I take deep breaths and concentrate on my breathing. So far this has managed to calm me down enough. I started my meds on Wednesday morning. I talked to my doctor Monday and she said she'd researched over the weekend and zoloft looked like the best and safest option for pregnancy and breastfeeding. She asked me which pharmacy I wanted it faxed to. I went to pick up the prescription around 4:30 to start taking that night with dinner only to find the doctors office never faxed it in. When I got home there was a message from the receptionist telling me I had a prescription waiting for me at the office and I could come pick it up. Of course it was 5:02 when I got home and the office stops taking calls at 5. I know I've said this before but I really hate the receptionists at her office. My doctor is awesome and I love her but it all falls short with the receptionist. Tuesday morning I called and said that I'd spoken to the doctor and it was supposed to be faxed to the pharmacy so could they please do that as I wasn't going to have a car within office hours until Thursday to come pick it up. They did and I picked up the prescription that night. I decided to take it in the mornings instead of at dinner just because I already take my iron and prenatal's at night so I thought it would be easier to space them out. I'm not one to forget to take pills so it's not a big deal taking stuff twice a day, at least not now, we'll see once the baby comes! I also had my appointment with the psychiatrist Thursday. It went well. She agreed that my doctor had chosen the best medication and suggested that if I don't notice a difference in the next 2 weeks with anxiety or sleep to up the dosage from 25mg to 50 mg and stay on that until the baby is born then adjust if needed. My doctor only did the prescription for 30 days so I'll go back and see her at the end of december and decide what to do from there. I'm feeling better about being on this medication. If I have to be on anything it makes me feel better knowing that I'm on the safest possible and that I can breastfeed while on it.
I'm looking forward to seeing the OB this coming Thursday. It doesn't sound like she'll have my file at that point and it seems to be more of a meet and greet but that's fine. Really all they do at 35 weeks is check bp, urine, measure tummy and check the heart beat anyway so it's not that big of a deal if she doesn't have my file. I'll ask all my questions when I see her for my 36 week appointment when I assume she'll do the group b swab.
I'm so happy to finally have less stress about my short term disability claim. I still haven't received any paperwork but I called Tuesday afternoon and spoke to someone. She said my claim had been approved and that I should've received my first payment on the 29th but sometimes the first one can be delayed waiting for it to clear. Sure enough it came into my account the next morning! It's such a relief and at the moment it still covers the mortgage payments. The only issue is that my claim was only approved until December 27th. I couldn't figure this out and my boss even called to ask what was going on and if I was planning to come back to work for 2 weeks. I was going to wait for the paperwork to come in the mail and see if there was an explanation on it but I think I figured it out last night. The primary diagnosis was threatened pre term labour. The std coverage stops when I hit 38 weeks, if I go into labour it'll no longer be pre term. I now have to decide what I want to do after that point. Ideally I want to start my maternity leave on the 13th. Which is originally what I had put down but of course that all changes if I have the baby before my due date. I'll have to call them closer to the return to work date and see what I need to do to add those extra 2 weeks. Does my OB need to refill out the forms or just write a letter saying the secondary diagnosis (anxiety) is now the primary diagnosis and I will be off for the extra 2 weeks until my maternity leave starts on my due date or I may just decide to screw it and start my mat leave 2 weeks early which really cuts into the time I get with the baby. Hopefully this baby will come a little early and I won't need to worry about that!
Pregnancy wise everything is good. The baby still puts a knee and feet out my lower side so I have a suspicion it's still breech. A couple times I've waken up to the baby kicking the top part of my stomach but by the afternoon I've felt it turn back and the kicks are low down again. Maybe a c section at 39 weeks? As much I'd rather not have one I'm ok with it as long as they tie my tubes at the same time!!
Friday, November 29, 2013
34 weeks
How far along? 34 weeks
Baby's size? Butternut squash
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 191.0 Up 42.4 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Chips, 1% milk
Best moments this week: Lauren listening to the baby's heartbeat
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms
I didn't bother re reading last week's but I know I mentioned that my depression is getting better however my anxiety is getting worse and I've had a couple panic attacks. Well it's been a productive week.
Monday I had my doctor's appointment at the maternity group. I'd called last week to change the doctor I was seeing to someone else. I'm so happy I did. She really understands my anxiety and is very supportive. She filled out my short term disability paperwork in a way that it will likely get approved. She put as the diagnosis "threatened pre term labour" and a secondary diagnosis as "anxiety". We then did the doppler and Lauren got to listen to the baby. She was very excited about it.
Tuesday I had an appointment with the mental health nurse. I told her about my anxiety and she said she'd actually been wondering how I was doing as she's seen a difference the past couple weeks at our group. She decided to move up my appointment with the psychiatrist to December 9th and gave me strategies to try to cope with the anxiety in the mean time. I also had my last perinatal depression/anxiety group that afternoon
Yesterday (Thursday) I had an appointment with my family doctor. I made this appointment because I knew she was going to call soon to see how I was doing and I thought I mine as well make an appointment to let her know all that has gone on so at least she gets paid to talk to me. I expected it to be a quick visit as I was really just keeping her informed. She came in and asked if it was ok if she sent a student in to talk to me first. I said yes that's fine as I'm all for them learning and I think it's good for them to see things like this. I spoke to the student and she was really nice and thorough. She asked a bunch of questions and got me to do the depression and anxiety "test". Good news is my depression score has improved in the past 9 weeks but my anxiety has definitely increased. I scored 19 out of a possible 21 and fall into the severe anxiety range (not surprising). She then left and talked to the doctor. They both came into the room to talk to me. Basically there's a couple things she wanted to talk about.
#1. she doesn't want to wait another week and a half to see the psychiatrist before starting meds. She was going to research which to put me on that was pregnancy safe and that I could breastfeed on. She's going to call later this evening and call in the prescription for me to start tomorrow.
#2. She asked about my anxiety of going to the maternity group. I'd mentioned to the student that the second panic attack came after I got off the phone with them. I'd called to change my appointment to first thing Monday morning as I was not wanting to go and if it was first thing Monday I couldn't cancel it over the weekend as they were closed. She asked if it could possibly be from Hailey's pregnancy. I think this could possibly be the case but I also think it has to do with the other doctor I've been seeing most of the time who I do not like. My doctor offered to get me in with a new female OB in town. I said I was fine staying there because I liked the other doctor I'd seen Monday. Then she told me the think about it and talk to Dan. As soon as she said that I agreed to the switch. I didn't need to talk to Dan. I knew exactly what he was going to say and I've heard him say it 90% of the evenings after my appointments. "Why are you still with them?" So she's going to contact the OB and get me in to see her.
#3. I needed to talk to my mum. They're concerned that I don't really remember the panic attacks and zone out when I have them. They worry about Lauren's safety which I completely understand. While I'd never harm her in any way when I have an attack I am not physically able to care for her. I promised to talk to my mum after my appointment and I'm sure she'll mention it tonight when she calls.
I did talk to my mum when I got home. She understands why there'd be concern for Lauren's safety and said she'd keep her cell phone on her at all times including at work so I can call if I feel the need or if I have one. It's so nice to have the support and know there's a safety in place for Lauren.
I find the anxiety so much more difficult to talk about. Everyone understands and accepts perinatal depression but it's harder to explain and understand anxiety. Even Dan doesn't understand. He tries but he just doesn't understand what anxiety really is. He asks questions about what it's like but he doesn't get it and I can't explain it. That's one of the hardest parts. He's supportive as much as he can be but it's hard to be supportive when you don't truly understand and it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't really understand what I'm talking about.
Baby's size? Butternut squash
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 191.0 Up 42.4 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and XL shirts
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Baby is now sitting on my bladder so I'm up at least once a night
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Chips, 1% milk
Best moments this week: Lauren listening to the baby's heartbeat
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms
I didn't bother re reading last week's but I know I mentioned that my depression is getting better however my anxiety is getting worse and I've had a couple panic attacks. Well it's been a productive week.
Monday I had my doctor's appointment at the maternity group. I'd called last week to change the doctor I was seeing to someone else. I'm so happy I did. She really understands my anxiety and is very supportive. She filled out my short term disability paperwork in a way that it will likely get approved. She put as the diagnosis "threatened pre term labour" and a secondary diagnosis as "anxiety". We then did the doppler and Lauren got to listen to the baby. She was very excited about it.
Tuesday I had an appointment with the mental health nurse. I told her about my anxiety and she said she'd actually been wondering how I was doing as she's seen a difference the past couple weeks at our group. She decided to move up my appointment with the psychiatrist to December 9th and gave me strategies to try to cope with the anxiety in the mean time. I also had my last perinatal depression/anxiety group that afternoon
Yesterday (Thursday) I had an appointment with my family doctor. I made this appointment because I knew she was going to call soon to see how I was doing and I thought I mine as well make an appointment to let her know all that has gone on so at least she gets paid to talk to me. I expected it to be a quick visit as I was really just keeping her informed. She came in and asked if it was ok if she sent a student in to talk to me first. I said yes that's fine as I'm all for them learning and I think it's good for them to see things like this. I spoke to the student and she was really nice and thorough. She asked a bunch of questions and got me to do the depression and anxiety "test". Good news is my depression score has improved in the past 9 weeks but my anxiety has definitely increased. I scored 19 out of a possible 21 and fall into the severe anxiety range (not surprising). She then left and talked to the doctor. They both came into the room to talk to me. Basically there's a couple things she wanted to talk about.
#1. she doesn't want to wait another week and a half to see the psychiatrist before starting meds. She was going to research which to put me on that was pregnancy safe and that I could breastfeed on. She's going to call later this evening and call in the prescription for me to start tomorrow.
#2. She asked about my anxiety of going to the maternity group. I'd mentioned to the student that the second panic attack came after I got off the phone with them. I'd called to change my appointment to first thing Monday morning as I was not wanting to go and if it was first thing Monday I couldn't cancel it over the weekend as they were closed. She asked if it could possibly be from Hailey's pregnancy. I think this could possibly be the case but I also think it has to do with the other doctor I've been seeing most of the time who I do not like. My doctor offered to get me in with a new female OB in town. I said I was fine staying there because I liked the other doctor I'd seen Monday. Then she told me the think about it and talk to Dan. As soon as she said that I agreed to the switch. I didn't need to talk to Dan. I knew exactly what he was going to say and I've heard him say it 90% of the evenings after my appointments. "Why are you still with them?" So she's going to contact the OB and get me in to see her.
#3. I needed to talk to my mum. They're concerned that I don't really remember the panic attacks and zone out when I have them. They worry about Lauren's safety which I completely understand. While I'd never harm her in any way when I have an attack I am not physically able to care for her. I promised to talk to my mum after my appointment and I'm sure she'll mention it tonight when she calls.
I did talk to my mum when I got home. She understands why there'd be concern for Lauren's safety and said she'd keep her cell phone on her at all times including at work so I can call if I feel the need or if I have one. It's so nice to have the support and know there's a safety in place for Lauren.
I find the anxiety so much more difficult to talk about. Everyone understands and accepts perinatal depression but it's harder to explain and understand anxiety. Even Dan doesn't understand. He tries but he just doesn't understand what anxiety really is. He asks questions about what it's like but he doesn't get it and I can't explain it. That's one of the hardest parts. He's supportive as much as he can be but it's hard to be supportive when you don't truly understand and it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't really understand what I'm talking about.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
33 weeks
How far along? 33 weeks
Baby's size? Durian fruit
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 187.4 Up 39.8 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and L shirts probably going to be XL shirts soon
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Alright. The baby has now started sitting on my bladder so I'm up a few times a night.
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, lower back pain
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms
Baby wise everything's ok. Depression wise I'm also ok, I've been using the tools from the support group and most days are good. Anxiety, well that's what's become the main issue at the moment. I knew the anxiety was building, it did last time with Lauren as well but this time it's different. I'm not sure what exactly is causing the anxiety. Really I think it's a mixture of so many different things that it's hard to tell where it's truly coming from. We watched a video at the peri natal support group on Tuesday that was about couples and their relationship while and after going through post natal depression. It made me very thankful that I'm having these symptoms early and that we've been able to put things in place for the very real likelihood of post natal depression. It also made me thankful that my husband and family know what to look out for, instead of these women who go months untreated and their husbands and friends don't understand. It did however make me scared of the future. If this is what I'm feeling now I'm very scared of how I'll feel after the baby is born, especially since meds take 4-6 weeks to become effective. During the video they very briefly talked about how one woman had panic attacks. That's when I remembered that I had one last week. I don't remember much of it and that's a little scary. If I really think hard I remember laying in bed with Lauren as she fell asleep crying. Then I left her room, lay down in my bed and cried. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying. I remember thinking "I'm having a panic attack". I can't remember why though. I had another one today. I phoned the doctors office to change my appointment to a different doctor (I hate the one I've been seeing for 80% of this pregnancy) and after I got off the phone I was really shaky and was having trouble catching my breath. I quickly put a show on netflix for Lauren to watch and went to the bedroom where again I was crying uncontrollably, shaking and struggling to breathe. I zoned out. I remember just staring at the wall for who knows how long. It's all a little foggy and it's only been 6 hours. I'm sure I'll remember even less tomorrow. I've made an appointment with the mental health nurse for Tuesday morning and I'm thinking it's time for me to go on meds. It's only going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses and I'm not sure how I can control this part of it. From our initial conversation when I was accepted as a patient she mentioned that if I do need to go on meds she'd consult with the perinatal psychiatrist and bc women's to find the one that's safest for me during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Last time I went on effexor for that week my depression and anxiety got worse because I was so scared to harm the baby. I hope they can find something that'll help.
Baby's size? Durian fruit
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 187.4 Up 39.8 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, L pants and L shirts probably going to be XL shirts soon
Gender: Not finding out
Movement: All the time
Sleep: Alright. The baby has now started sitting on my bladder so I'm up a few times a night.
Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, lower back pain
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: Mandarin oranges
Best moments this week: Just normal feeling baby move
What I miss: Feeling normal
What I'm looking forward to: Holding this baby in my arms
Baby wise everything's ok. Depression wise I'm also ok, I've been using the tools from the support group and most days are good. Anxiety, well that's what's become the main issue at the moment. I knew the anxiety was building, it did last time with Lauren as well but this time it's different. I'm not sure what exactly is causing the anxiety. Really I think it's a mixture of so many different things that it's hard to tell where it's truly coming from. We watched a video at the peri natal support group on Tuesday that was about couples and their relationship while and after going through post natal depression. It made me very thankful that I'm having these symptoms early and that we've been able to put things in place for the very real likelihood of post natal depression. It also made me thankful that my husband and family know what to look out for, instead of these women who go months untreated and their husbands and friends don't understand. It did however make me scared of the future. If this is what I'm feeling now I'm very scared of how I'll feel after the baby is born, especially since meds take 4-6 weeks to become effective. During the video they very briefly talked about how one woman had panic attacks. That's when I remembered that I had one last week. I don't remember much of it and that's a little scary. If I really think hard I remember laying in bed with Lauren as she fell asleep crying. Then I left her room, lay down in my bed and cried. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying. I remember thinking "I'm having a panic attack". I can't remember why though. I had another one today. I phoned the doctors office to change my appointment to a different doctor (I hate the one I've been seeing for 80% of this pregnancy) and after I got off the phone I was really shaky and was having trouble catching my breath. I quickly put a show on netflix for Lauren to watch and went to the bedroom where again I was crying uncontrollably, shaking and struggling to breathe. I zoned out. I remember just staring at the wall for who knows how long. It's all a little foggy and it's only been 6 hours. I'm sure I'll remember even less tomorrow. I've made an appointment with the mental health nurse for Tuesday morning and I'm thinking it's time for me to go on meds. It's only going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses and I'm not sure how I can control this part of it. From our initial conversation when I was accepted as a patient she mentioned that if I do need to go on meds she'd consult with the perinatal psychiatrist and bc women's to find the one that's safest for me during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Last time I went on effexor for that week my depression and anxiety got worse because I was so scared to harm the baby. I hope they can find something that'll help.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Lauren update
I haven't done one of these in a really long time. She's kept me so busy that I have a hard time keeping up with the weekly pregnancy blog and this post is very long overdue.
My sweet sweet Lauren. There's a few words that come to mind when I think of her. Easy going, laid back, spirited and stubborn. They don't really seem to go together but they seem to fit just perfectly with her. She wasn't always the easy going child. She definitely had colic the first 5 or so months of her life. Since around 10 months she's really started to come into her own. Her personality shines through and boy does she have a personality. She's shy at times yet very outgoing once she's warmed up. She talks non stop and often sings when we're in the grocery store or out in public. She has very little fear. She'll try anything at least once and most of the time if it involves injury (mild of course) she just picks herself up, says "I'm ok" and moves on. She tells it to you like it is and I often forget that she's still so little and not yet 2 and a half even. An example:
Dan's been taking her swimming once a week and she's been improving greatly. When she falls over we give her a few seconds to try to get herself to stand up (an important skill in our eyes) and 99% of the time she does this on her own now. She still doesn't like getting her head wet though so a few weeks ago she fell, went under water for probably about 5 seconds, stood up on her own and carried on playing. When we were getting changed I commented on how she was such a good girl and she didn't cry when she went under water. Her response: "I cried under the water".
She tries my patience and tests boundaries often. I know this is a normal part of toddler development but being pregnant means my patience is already slightly lower! If there's something that she wants or has her mind set on it takes a lot to distract an move away from it. She's been fighting a cold for the past couple days so the past few nights she's slept in our bed because she'll wake up multiple times throughout the night upset that she's having trouble breathing. Last night she refused to go to sleep. She kept trying to delay, she wanted to read another book, she wanted water, she had to pee. No to the book, we already know the water trick so have a cup handy on the bedside table, she's wearing a diaper so go ahead a pee. Then she brings out the big guns. The we absolutely have to get out of bed for this. "I need to poo". Are you sure? Yes. Promise? Yes. "Ok, but if you don't have to go you'll have to go back to your bed by yourself. Do you still need to go poo?" Yes. So off we go to the bathroom. She sits on the potty for 5 minutes pretending to try to go. Finally I ask her again if she needs to go poo. "No mummy". I then explain that she'll have to go to her room for 5 minutes because I asked her a few times if she needed to and she said yes. She lied to mummy. So I placed her in her bed in her room. The first to minutes she cried, calling out my name. Then she stood at the door for a minute banging it saying "mummy, let me out" the last minute or so was the worst. She moved away from the door and just kept yelling "mummy" in a really angry tone I'd never heard from her before. I went in a minute early and found her sitting on the chair at her desk. I went to go talk to her, remind her why she was in her room, give her a hug/kiss and tell her I loved her before brining her back into our bed. Lauren had other plans. She wouldn't look at me. When I came into the room she simply got off the chair, walked past me, opened the door, walked into our bedroom and got into bed. She was PISSED! She didn't want Dan to cuddle her though, she still wanted me so I decided not to talk about. We cuddled and she fell asleep within minutes. This morning I asked if she was still mad at me and she said no, that she loved me. I reminded her that no matter she does and even if I'm mad or she's in a time out I always love her.
Most of the time she's such a sweet little girl but every once in a while I catch a tiny glimpse of what our lives with her as a teenager will be like. I wouldn't change her personality for anything. She fits into our lives so well that I'm scared about this next baby. Lauren's set such high expectations and has always been ahead with milestones (incase it wasn't obvious with the earlier story, she's been potty trained since September).
My sweet sweet Lauren. There's a few words that come to mind when I think of her. Easy going, laid back, spirited and stubborn. They don't really seem to go together but they seem to fit just perfectly with her. She wasn't always the easy going child. She definitely had colic the first 5 or so months of her life. Since around 10 months she's really started to come into her own. Her personality shines through and boy does she have a personality. She's shy at times yet very outgoing once she's warmed up. She talks non stop and often sings when we're in the grocery store or out in public. She has very little fear. She'll try anything at least once and most of the time if it involves injury (mild of course) she just picks herself up, says "I'm ok" and moves on. She tells it to you like it is and I often forget that she's still so little and not yet 2 and a half even. An example:
Dan's been taking her swimming once a week and she's been improving greatly. When she falls over we give her a few seconds to try to get herself to stand up (an important skill in our eyes) and 99% of the time she does this on her own now. She still doesn't like getting her head wet though so a few weeks ago she fell, went under water for probably about 5 seconds, stood up on her own and carried on playing. When we were getting changed I commented on how she was such a good girl and she didn't cry when she went under water. Her response: "I cried under the water".
She tries my patience and tests boundaries often. I know this is a normal part of toddler development but being pregnant means my patience is already slightly lower! If there's something that she wants or has her mind set on it takes a lot to distract an move away from it. She's been fighting a cold for the past couple days so the past few nights she's slept in our bed because she'll wake up multiple times throughout the night upset that she's having trouble breathing. Last night she refused to go to sleep. She kept trying to delay, she wanted to read another book, she wanted water, she had to pee. No to the book, we already know the water trick so have a cup handy on the bedside table, she's wearing a diaper so go ahead a pee. Then she brings out the big guns. The we absolutely have to get out of bed for this. "I need to poo". Are you sure? Yes. Promise? Yes. "Ok, but if you don't have to go you'll have to go back to your bed by yourself. Do you still need to go poo?" Yes. So off we go to the bathroom. She sits on the potty for 5 minutes pretending to try to go. Finally I ask her again if she needs to go poo. "No mummy". I then explain that she'll have to go to her room for 5 minutes because I asked her a few times if she needed to and she said yes. She lied to mummy. So I placed her in her bed in her room. The first to minutes she cried, calling out my name. Then she stood at the door for a minute banging it saying "mummy, let me out" the last minute or so was the worst. She moved away from the door and just kept yelling "mummy" in a really angry tone I'd never heard from her before. I went in a minute early and found her sitting on the chair at her desk. I went to go talk to her, remind her why she was in her room, give her a hug/kiss and tell her I loved her before brining her back into our bed. Lauren had other plans. She wouldn't look at me. When I came into the room she simply got off the chair, walked past me, opened the door, walked into our bedroom and got into bed. She was PISSED! She didn't want Dan to cuddle her though, she still wanted me so I decided not to talk about. We cuddled and she fell asleep within minutes. This morning I asked if she was still mad at me and she said no, that she loved me. I reminded her that no matter she does and even if I'm mad or she's in a time out I always love her.
Most of the time she's such a sweet little girl but every once in a while I catch a tiny glimpse of what our lives with her as a teenager will be like. I wouldn't change her personality for anything. She fits into our lives so well that I'm scared about this next baby. Lauren's set such high expectations and has always been ahead with milestones (incase it wasn't obvious with the earlier story, she's been potty trained since September).
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