Nearly a year

Hailey was born on April 28th, 2010. I knew this date has been coming up and I thought I was handling it well until tonight. All I can think about is this time last year. I remember going to my mum's and just crying, then laying on the couch with her so we could feel Hailey kick as much as possible knowing that tomorrow morning would be the last time I every felt her. Then I went home and Dan and I did the same thing in bed. I don't know how I slept that night. I wanted to be awake every possible second. I wanted time to stop. I wanted the doctor's to phone and say they were wrong. That it wasn't that bad and surgery was an option again. I wanted someone to tell me my baby would be ok.

We'd only just made the decision. Dan e-mailed the hospital Monday morning and they called me at work to speak to me and confirm it was what I wanted. How can it be what I wanted? I wanted my baby. I wanted her to have a chance but in the end I didn't want her to suffer. I thought I'd have more time from when we made the decision although realistically I knew we'd taken so long to decide there wasn't much time left. Legally we couldn't end the pregnancy after 24 weeks and I was already 23+3. I don't know how I'll get through the next 2 days. Tomorrow is the day we went in and they stopped her heart. I'm not sure the exact time but I know it was around 8-8:30 am. I was induced shortly after, then on the 28th at 10:56 pm she was born. She was so beautiful, so perfect. You'd never know looking at her she had such a horrible heart defect.

I'm not very religious. I used to go to church and I was baptized at 15. I think I stopped going when I moved to England but I've always and still do believe in God. The past week I've been thinking about going to church. I don't have a church that I belong to but I've had this urge to just walk in and ask to speak with a pastor. Stupidly not until I've written this did I realize that my cousin and her husband living in Iowa are and I should've just talked with them. Here's the thing, while I still believe in God I'm just so angry. Maybe it would've helped me at this moment if I had spoken with someone. My problem now is how do I go to church after what I've done? I know the only one who can judge me is God but I don't want people to think horribly of me. I just wish people who judge me on what we've done could understand. Understand it's not at all what I wanted. I loved her and wanted her so much.

I've got to stop writing now. I've gotten myself so worked up I've now been sick a few times.

I miss her so much....