dates!

I ended up calling my GP yesterday to ask if they set up a date for the ultrasound yet. I love my doctor and her nurse but I absolutely HATE the receptionist. I ended up speaking with the nurse (I always hope she answers the phone) and she seemed confused because in my chart it said that they let me know the date of the ultrasound. This is why I phone them!!!!! Anyway the date is set for January 11th. Only 2 weeks away! By then I should be either 12 or 11 weeks.

My HCG levels have been really funny. I was wrong in my last post when I said they dropped 2000. They actually dropped 11 154! Here's the dates and the results:

Dec. 22 - 110107
Dec. 24 -   98953
Dec. 29 - 101060


I was supposed to do the third on the 28th but I'd decided I wasn't going to go back as long as there was a heartbeat. Then on the 29th there was a message from the clinic "politely reminding me" I was supposed to have it done. They called again today to say they wanted it done again Tuesday the 4th. I wonder if my levels are confusing the doctor just as much as they're confusing me!!!!! I did check the heartbeat again today and it's still there and strong. Seems to be getting faster, 175 yesterday. The baby also seems to be very active today. I can't feel anything yet but when I put the doppler on right away I could hear the baby moving around in the water. It's such a cool sound!!

I'm starting to get anxious now. It's starting to sink in this could really happen. I really could have a baby again. There's been a switch where now I'm starting to get very nervous about the 18 week echo. I still can't convince myself that I'll have a baby in July yet. I really can't wait until this ultrasound so I know that everything is ok for now and then we can set the date for the echo. I don't think I'll ever truly relax this pregnancy though.

Christmas!

Hope everyone had a happy christmas this year. It started off a little sad for me. I couldn't sleep so got up and sat on my laptop in the living room. All I could think about was how things would/should've been different this year if Hailey had been healthy. Eventually at 8am I decided I needed a change of scenery so I left for my grandmother's (Dan was still sleeping but promised to be over by 10am.) I decided to bring the doppler just incase as my mum isn't the best at keeping things quiet! When I got over to my grandma's my mum and aunt called me downstairs and my mum said that she'd told my aunt about my pregnancy. It turns out my cousin who will be over tomorrow is also pregnant and due 1 week before me! She'd wanted my aunt to tell everyone as she was worried I'd be upset (which I can understand the theory behind but I'd be nothing but happy for them.) So when my aunt found out she asked if I'd tell the family today and my cousin would tell them tomorrow. They knew that my pregnancy announcement would be emotional for everyone and they felt it would mean more if I told the family first.

So after my grandma finished unwrapping her last present I took the doppler over and played the recording for her that I'd taken yesterday (which was so much clearer then 3 days ago!) Here's how the conversation went:

Grandma: "It's a heartbeat!"
Me: "Yes"
Grandma: "Boy that's pretty fast"
Me: "Yes" (looking at her with expectant eyes!)
One of my aunts "Who's do you think it is?"
Grandma: "Who's it is?"
Me: "..... I'm pregnant!"

Then queue the tears and hugs from everyone in the room. Dan told me later that he was glad I was the one doing all the talking and the attention was off of him because he started tearing up. He's not normally an emotional guy so it just goes to show how much this past year has really affected him. We also stopped off at the cemetery on our way home to drop off some flowers for Hailey. I'm a little upset. The city called to say they'd received the memorial stone well over 2 weeks ago and I went in and paid for the installation that day. It's still not put in. I was really hoping to have it in by today.

Oh and about the bloodwork. My GP phoned me on the 23rd and said she just saw my lab work. I told her I was spotting the morning of the 22nd and just wanted to know either way what was going on but I'd found the heartbeat with a doppler later that day. She then asked how far along I am and I said 10 weeks going off dates but I'd had a scan exactly 4 weeks ago that dated me somewhere in my 4th week. She then said she's going to order another ultrasound because me levels were pretty high for being 8 weeks! So I'll be going for another ultrasound sometime in early January. Obviously my due date is still a little unknown and I think she may suspect..... twins!

I also made the mistake of going for that second HCG level yesterday. I'd originally decided I'd leave it since I found the heartbeat and then decided that morning to do the test so my doctor could see how quickly my levels were going up....... BIG MISTAKE! When I got home from work and looked up my lab results my HCG had actually dropped 2000 in 2 days! I started freaking out and brought out the doppler and found that clear heartbeat right away. I then researched online and it says that your levels plateau and start to drop anywhere from 8-12 weeks. My theory is as long as there's a goods strong heartbeat that's the most important part. There's no exact science to HCG levels and what's normal for one may not be normal for someone else. I'm just going to go off what I know, which is the baby has a good strong heartbeat! It still makes me nervous now that I've told the family and really wished I could've left it for a few more weeks. Keep this baby in your prayers please! I don't need a healthy at birth baby, I just want one that's fixable. I hope that makes sense........ I would LOVE a healthy baby but if that's not in our future than at least let this one be able to survive and have a decent life. I hope that's not asking for too much.

Is it happening again? *UPDATE*

I woke up this morning and when I went to the washroom I noticed a very small amount of blood when I wiped. I know spotting can be normal especially at the 4, 8 and 12 week marks (I think I was 8 weeks on Monday) as it can be your body getting used to the changes but it's still freaked me out. I didn't want to worry Daniel but he heard me say something in the washroom so I told him there was a little bit of blood. I tried to not act worried and after I drove him to work I stopped off at a clinic to ask for them to do HCG levels. Like I said with the miscarriage in August, I can handle miscarrying. As much as it sucks I'll get through it. The worst part is the waiting and wondering. He's ordered HCG levels every 3 days for 2 weeks (which is a little hard with the holidays as the lab is only open until 12:30 on the 24th and then opens again on the 28th.) Thankfully I had one done today and will see the results when I get home from work tonight, and will be able to do the same on the 24th and 28th. I don't really know what to look for in how quickly HCG levels rise, but I do know that they shouldn't drop and if you're miscarrying they would drop. I guess it's just another waiting game.

I'm trying to think positive since I haven't had anymore spotting since and that was over 2 hours ago but when I did the urine test at the clinic I overheard the receptionist tell the doctor that he'd have to do an HCG since the line was very faint on the test. I'm working the afternoon half shift so I leave in an hour but the test results will be up when I get home so I'll put them up in about 6.5 hours.

By the way..... Happy birthday to me tomorrow!!!!!! It really does always happen at the best possible times, with the last miscarriage being 5 days before Dan's birthday and Hailey's due date. The other frustrating thing is today was supposed to be the day of my ultrasound that had to be done early to rule out ectopic! We could've had the answer of wether or not there's a heartbeat in a few hours!!! Oh the irony!

*UPDATE*
Before I went to work I decided to fire up the doppler and....... I FOUND THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! the rate varied a bit but was around 155 ish. I also haven't had any spotting since that one time this morning and my HCG levels are 110107 which puts me at the higher side of 8-9 weeks, so right on track. I'm optimistic that I may have overreacted this morning but I'm now so thankful for that doppler for letting me relax a bit today. I'm still going to keep doing the HCG every 2-3 days for the next 2 weeks just for the peace of mind, plus it'll give me a better idea of when I fall into the 10 week catagory as I now think I may actually be in the 9th week with the levels that high.

The first trimester fun!

Well going off dates I should be 9 weeks today but I think I'm really nearly 8. (I've kind of made up my own schedule since I haven't been to see the doctor after my scan and really have no idea where I'm at.) It's been a really busy week and I've now finished the project at work which is really nice since it was early morning starts and I was driving an hour each way. A lot has happened this week! First of all I got a call from the city Tuesday to say they received Hailey's memorial stone and it'll be installed soon. I went to check this afternoon but so far it hasn't been put in. To think we may actually go down on Christmas and it be there! I know it'll be really emotional seeing it. Like that last piece of closure. As soon as it's put in I'll take a pic to show what it looks like. It's fairly plain but it's exactly how I imagined it should look. I also received my parcel with my birthday and christmas present!!!!!! I convinced Daniel to buy me a doppler for christmas and the same store also sold preggie pops, which I couldn't find anywhere in Canada.

This part isn't meant to sound like complaining, it's just you tend to forget what the first trimester feels like after it's over. So I've started making a list of "awesome" first trimester symptoms!!!!!!

1) MORNING SICKNESS!!!!!!!!! Really it's throwing up in the morning and nausea the rest of the day. I've again been struggling with this. When I was pregnant with Hailey I was only sick in the morning and then felt fine the rest of the day. I sucked it up even though the doctor's told me it was safe to take Diclectin. Here's the problem I have with Diclectin..... It's only available in Canada! Here's a quote from babyzone.com " Diclectin® is the Canadian version of a medicine that was widely used in the US in the 1970s called Bendectin®, a combination of vitamin B6 and an antihistamine called doxylamine. It is one of the few drugs on which we have extensive pregnancy safety data because it was well researched back when it was in widespread use in the States. Bendectin® was taken off the market not because it caused birth defects, but because the company got tired of defending lawsuits when babies happened to be born with birth defects from moms who happened to have taken Bendectin.  "
I know it's supposed to be safe but now after having a baby with a heart defect I really have to think is it worth the risk, however small that may be and could I live with myself if I took it and we had another heart baby? I didn't take it with Hailey so I know for certain this drug did not cause her HLHS but I just don't like the idea of taking anything while pregnant no matter how safe they think it is. On a positive note I didn't have morning sickness with the miscarriage so I'm hoping this is a good sign! The preggie pops help with the nausea but only for an hour! And I've been careful to limit 2 a day (mainly for morning use.)

2) Feeling tired. I know I've been getting up early lately but when you wake up at 5 and want to take a nap by 2 that's not normal! I've completely forgotten about this part of Hailey's pregnancy, but thinking back I remember my sister and I joking that I had a parasite inside me sucking my energy. Daniel has been amazing. Not only did he cook dinner Wednesday night he also cleaned the house (I want to stay away from chemicals since I was the one that cleaned once a week while pregnant with Hailey) and did the dishes. He's really trying to help out and although I tell him often how much it's appreciated I don't think he fully understands just how exhausted I feel and how much his help really means to me. I'm hoping to at least find the energy to make it to the gym tomorrow while I have the day off since my last gym day was Sunday! At this stage I'm happy with finding the energy to do 1 hour a week!!!

3) Emotions. I cry so easily now! The smallest tiniest thing will set me off. An example..... I went to yahoo news tonight and they had a clip from a teddy bear toss during a hockey game in Calgary. Yup I cried watching all those teddy bears being thrown on the ice!!!!!

I did set up a doctor's appointment for Jan. 13th. I'll be somewhere around 11-12 weeks.  I'm hoping to hear a heart beat on the doppler before then so I can relax slightly. I know once you hear the heart beat, especially on a doppler which is after 10 weeks the rate of miscarriage should drop dramatically. We are waiting to hear this before telling our families (hopefully on new years day!)

Holding a new born

My friend had her baby this morning. I said in an earlier post that I'd asked her that since she was having a boy (and I thought that'd be easier on me) if I could come and hold the baby at an early age to help move on. She was having a scheduled c section this morning so me and 2 of the girls from that lab went to visit her in the hospital this afternoon. While it was emotional and I did tear up I managed to hold it together.  I'm so happy I did this today. 

There's going to be a baby shower for one of the girls at the lab I worked at for 2 years. She had her baby in early November and we've yet to have the shower. She asked if I could come to the shower on her last day before going off on Mat leave and I told her I would. At that point she didn't know what she was having and when I found out she had a girl I was surprised at how upset I was. Everyone we knew who was pregnant had boys, so to hear someone had a girl just hit a little too close. The past few days I've been trying to decide if I should go to the shower or write a note in the card saying I'd love to meet her and get together but I don't want to do it with so many people around. I was worried about seeing this baby and crying. If I do that it's not a big deal, everyone is really supportive but if that does happen I'd rather there only be a few people there. Now after holding the baby today I feel like I can handle the shower (I think.)

I have an interview for a new position on Monday and I'm pretty sure I won't get it. I've been wanting to get into this department for a while but they are training 10 people in the company to become senior managers and I'm pretty sure 2 of them will get the positions for the training and practice. Oh well, I'll go in and work on my interview skills! One of the jobs is a temp for a year and then you go back to my normal job, which I don't want since I'm hoping to go off on Mat leave in July and I would turn down that job if it was offered. The one I really want is the back up position which is permanent. Basically I'd only work there if someone is sick or on holidays. Also if you have a permanent position within a department they have to offer an open position to you first before they post it company wide.