24 weeks

How far along? 24 weeks
Baby's size? Cantaloupe 
Weight gain: Starting Pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 169.0 Up 20.4 lbs
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup, definitely
Gender:  Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: Getting better. I still wake up a few times throughout the night but it takes me less time to fall back asleep.
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE. I've switched to my nursing bra's already
Food aversions: Nothing
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Talking with my GP
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Starting the "homework" for my GP

Since the doctors don't want to change my due date I'm just going to stick with what they say and my official due date is January 12th which means I turn 24 weeks on Sunday. Althought I've gained weight this week I'm a little surprised since my pants are so much looser then the were even last week. My belly has definitely grown this week and Dan actually pointed out how big it's gotten lately last night. I think I am still loosing weight in other areas like my legs and thighs etc. but putting it on where it counts, the stomach.

After my last post on Tuesday I called my GP's office Tuesday morning and saw her Wednesday afternoon. I actually saw her student first and explained that I was put on anti depressants by the maternity group last week and when I tried to talk to them about how I was feeling after reading the warning sheet given with the prescription, especially about not being able to breastfeed I was completely blown off and told not to worry about it. She asked what I was put on (Effexor), why I was put on them (feeling down, not sleeping and hardly eating) and what my concerns with the specific medication was ( the affect on the baby and breastfeeding). She then said we could definitely switch to something safer in pregnancy, her suggestion was prozac but she was going to speak with my doctor and double check it was safe for breastfeeding. She went across the hall and I heard them talking and looking through books for 10-15 minutes before she came back in and said they'd be able to switch me to another medication but want me to fill out an evaluation of how I'm feeling first. After filling it out they said I was moderately depressed and pretty much on the borderline of wether to treat with anti depressants or try alternative therapies. They gave me the option and I asked to try the therapy first. She told since I was on the lowest dose of effexor (37.5mg) to take them every second day for a week to wean myself off and not have as many withdrawal symptoms. She then gave me 2 websites that I have to go, print off worksheets, fill them out and take them back to my next appointment in 2 weeks. These sheets are supposed to help me train myself to get out of my depression when I feel it coming or am having a bad day. I've been so busy with my grandmother visiting that I haven't had the chance to go to the websites yet but here they are:

get.gg and moodgym.anu.edu.ca

She also encouraged me to go to the perinatal depression group as they would likely be giving strategies on how to cope too. She will be sending a letter to the maternity group letting them know that I will be seeing her throughout my pregnancy and she will be dealing with all aspects of my mental health but leaving the pregnancy to them. Of course eventhough my appointment is in 2 weeks I'm to come back immediately if I feel I'm not coping going off them and we will start another safer prescription. 

All and all I'm really happy with this and so thankful I came to see her. I've been wondering if my depression really was bad enough to treat with anti depressants as some days I feel fine yet others I am very down. I try to stay away from drugs as much as possible and would much rather at least give this a try first before resorting to them. I'm fully aware I may need to go on them now or at a later date but at least I know I did all I could to avoid it.

Dr. Appointment

I can't sleep. All I can think about is my doctor's appointment I had yesterday afternoon. It was with the same doctor I had my last official appointment with who I didn't really like. I don't want to see him again. Here's how the appointment went:

I came in to the appointment with 4 questions:
1- switching to a breastfeeding friendly anti depressant
2- the clot over my cervix
3- due date
4- gestational diabetes screen

I asked about the clot over my cervix first. He made me feel like it was such a stupid question to ask. My question was basically if this clot (which he said was big) is over my cervix will I still know if my water breaks or I have more bleeding? Is this going to be able to pass around or through the clot. Basically the short answer was obviously yes.

Second I asked about my due date. I asked what the ultrasound measured the baby at and he said that the report said the baby was measuring 20 weeks 4 days, which isn't what the tech told me. I said ok I just wanted to check because those dates mean I got a positive test 2 days after I ovulated. He got out the pregnancy wheel chart and started looking at it. While he was I told him I got a positive test on April 22nd. He said "Are you sure it was April?" I said yes I ever double checked and wrote it down before coming here. I also informed him that this due date would mean my hcg was over 9000 at exactly 5 weeks. He seemed very confused, looked at the wheel again and said oh well, we're sticking with this due date. So as of right now my due date is still January 12th.

He actually mentioned the diabetes screen and I asked if I could do the 1 hour instead of 2 because I don't want to take Lauren with me and can't find a morning that I'm free to be able to do it. He was fine with this and gave me a requisition telling me if it was high I'd have to go for the 2 hour. Finally a question that I was happy with the answer!!!!!!!

Lastly, the switching of meds. I didn't even get around to asking to switch. I mentioned how I was concerned that the pamphlet said I shouldn't breastfeed on these antidepressants and he told me not to worry about it, that the benefits far outweighed not being on them. At the time I took this to mean I could still breastfeed while on them and the benefits of breastfeeding outweigh not breastfeeding, even on these meds but now I'm not sure. Was he really saying not to worry about breastfeeding and that being on these meds are more important then breastfeeding? I don't really like either answer. It wasn't until after coming home and thinking about it some more that I realized I don't want to breastfeed if it's potentially harmful to the baby. I'm not going to put the baby at risk, it's in the pamphlet for a reason. It doesn't even say it's not recommended it says DON'T. Breastfeeding is really important to me and I will breastfeed this baby. Honestly I already have a ton of guilt just taking these meds, to add not being able to breastfeed on top of that heartbreaking. I've been up most of the night crying over this and have decided to go to a walk in tomorrow and switch to Zoloft. If they refuse, I'll stop taking them all together and see how it goes.

After all the questions were done he did my blood pressure then I laid down for him to measure my stomach and check the heartbeat. He found the heartbeat pretty quickly but kept listening for a while. Eventually he asked me if the baby had been moving around lots. I said yes it had been moving earlier. He said oh ok, cause it's racing at the moment, had I drank coffee recently? No I had not. He said he was going to listen a little longer to see if it would go down and eventually it did and he was happy with this. This kind of scares me. Should we not be concerned the baby's heart rate was really high, even if it did eventually go down, especially with me starting new meds one week ago? I'm hoping it was just high from the stress I was under due to me not liking his answers to the majority of my questions.

I'm going to phone the midwife group I was with during my last miscarriage and see if I can switch to them. If I can't I'll phone the clinic back and see who my next appointment is with and ask to make it with someone else if it's him. I don't want to see him throughout my whole pregnancy. The woman I saw who initially gave me the prescription told me I'd need to be monitored more closely and to come back after 2 weeks to see how I'm doing. This doctor just gave me a prescription for another month (after asking me if I wanted to increase the dose, I said no!) to make it to my next appointment.

23/24 weeks

How far along? 23/24 weeks
Baby's size? grapefruit/ canteloupe 
Weight gain: starting pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 167.6 up 19lbs gained .2 this week
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup definitely. 
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy.
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: I rarely sleep at the moment
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE I'm going to have to use my nursing bras soon.
Food aversions:I haven't felt like eating much
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Nothing really
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Mondays doctors appointment

I'm almost a week into starting my anti depressants. While I'm not physically feeling any better I am a little emotionally. The meds themselves haven't caused this, it's because I feel like I'm heading in the right direction to feeling better and getting help. This alone has made me start to feel better. I still have bad moments but I can talk myself out of them knowing they aren't going to last forever and hopefully much longer. 
I've really tried eating more this week. Last weeks nearly 1.5 lb weight loss made me realize I need to pay more attention to my eating habits until I'm feeling better. 

I have my doctors appointment Monday and have so much to talk about. Here's the list I can think of at the moment:

-Switching anti depressants to something breastfeeding friendly
-talking about what exactly the clot covering my cervix means ie. if my water breaks, bleeding etc
- glucose tolerance test
- FINALLY HAVING A DUE DATE!!!!!

I think that's it?

23/22 weeks

How far along? 23/22 weeks
Baby's size? grapefruit/papaya
Weight gain: starting pregnancy weight: 148.6 Now: 167.4 up 18.8lbs, I've lost 1.4lbs this week 
Stretch marks? I never got rid of my stretch marks from Hailey and Lauren
Maternity clothes? Yup definitely. 
Gender: Don't think we'll find out but I think it's a boy.
Movement: All the time! This baby moves around a lot!!!
Sleep: I rarely sleep at the moment. Maybe a few hours a night in short bursts.
Symptoms: Nothing other then my boobs are HUGE I'm going to have to use my nursing bras soon.
Food aversions:I haven't felt like eating much, but that's emotional not pregnancy related.
Food cravings: frozen blueberries
Best moments this week: Nothing really
What I miss: Nothing, so thankful to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: Feeling better

It's been a rough week. I spent a long time talking to Dan last night and decided I needed to see the doctor and go on anti depressants. I called my gp to make an appointment this morning and the earliest I could get in was Wednesday (I hate the receptionist, who makes someone, especially someone pregnant wait nearly a week to talk to the doctor about going on anti depressants?) so I called the maternity clinic and they fit my in at 11 this morning. I spoke to her and just said I don't know why I feel this way, there's nothing going on that would set it off. I've felt it coming on for the past few months but I thought it was connected with the ultrasound/echo and leading up it was definitely getting worse. Since it's only gotten more intense. The anger I had and have for Dan wasn't the cause of the depression, it was me feeling like my cries for help were going ignored.
I talked to the doctor about how the anti depressants could effect the baby and she said that there has been talk that it may cause chromosomal abnormalities and congenital defects (which I knew it was possibly connected with CHD's) but she says since I'm past 20 weeks and have had a great echo recently chances are it'll all be fine. In the end I need to be healthy before this baby is born. I need to be in an ok place or it'll only get much worse postpartum. I have another appointment on the 16th to see how it's going and if we need to increase the dose. She told me to call or come back anytime if I feel the need to. She also contacted our local mental health office and they called this afternoon already. They're comfortable with my support system I have in place and are setting me up with a peri natal depression support group. He told me they're on holidays for a couple weeks so it may be a few weeks before a meeting but I can drop in any time and speak with someone right away if I need to. I'm starting on the lowest dose and I know if can take 4-6 weeks to feel better physically and emotionally. 

I'm so thankful to have a supportive family and a system in place to handle this. 
One more check mark for possibly a boy? Man this baby is playing with my hormones like neither of my other 2 did!!!!!