Testing tomorrow

I wasn't sure if I should even bother writing this because I'm fairly certain how it will turn out. Tomorrow morning I'm going to take a pregnancy test. 99% certain it will be negative but I've been having a few pregnancy symptoms and want to put my mind at rest.

Since having Lauren I've only had 1 period. That was mid February. I know this is common for breastfeeding mothers and although it's very strange for me not to have a period every month I haven't been too worried. What I am worried about is the cramping I've been having for the past 2 weeks. I keep expecting my period to show up because I've been getting the cramps but it never does. I've only had this happen 2 other times and that was when I was pregnant with Hailey and Lauren.

Trying not to think too much into it. We've been really careful so I know the likelihood is really low but I guess nothing but abstinence is 100% I don't even want to think what it'll mean for our lives it I am. Will update tomorrow!

2 years

Why do I torture myself? Yesterday someone on Facebook put a link to a you tube video of their friend's hlhs baby's memorial video. It was really nice, sweet and actually amazing timing because from it I also found a song I love and is pretty much exactly how I feel. However from this I spent some time today looking at video's of hlhs babies. As crazy as it sounds I actually started to feel jealous of the parents. I was jealous that they got to spend time with their baby. This is the part I've struggled with the most about our decision.
I'm really thankful this blog has lead me to Lacey. After feeling this I thought about one of our many conversations (which I often do when I'm feeling down) and reminded myself of the reasons why we made the decision we did. Her heart was unfixable. We felt (and still do) that it would've been cruel to make her live those few short days knowing what would happen in the end. So as much as I wish I'd gotten to hear her cry, feed her or see her looking at me I have to remember she was very sick. I gave up the chance to do that so she wouldn't have to be in any pain but sitting here my arms just want to hold her again.

I now hate saying how I wish it could've been different. I feel like by saying that I'm wishing away Lauren for Hailey so now I'll simply say....... I wish I could have them both.

Here's the song lyrics:

In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious child, precious child

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart, there is hope

'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

And you are with me still

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon,

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,

See you, touch you

And maybe there's a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever... in my heart

By Karen Taylor

8 months

Weight: 20lbs 10 oz
Length: 71cm (28.5 in)

- Said her first word. I never knew when to count her first word. She says mum and nana and recently dada a lot but never looks at us when saying it so I think it was just words she picked up. To me your first word is when you associate that word correctly. She said mama with outreached arms toward me on the day she turned 7 months.

- Had her first swim. Lauren absolutely loves the pool. I was nervous about putting her head underwater but she doesn't cry when I do it like I see a lot of other babies at the pool doing. I think she's a bit of a water baby.

-First tooth! It poked through on the 20th (or at least that's when I noticed) I think she's also getting #2 in.

- Went to her first hockey game. Dan's work bought tickets for everyone and their families. We had a good time. I wanted to leave Lauren at home but Dan thought we should bring her. She had a nap in the 2nd period missing 2 goals which I'm surprised the loud noises didn't wake her and happily watched the game or people around her the rest of the time.

- She is so very close to crawling! Overnight she started getting from sitting to crawling position and the past few days can now get back to sitting position. The problem she has is that she panics and lets her legs slide out so she lays on her stomach. This is really frustrating to watch because she can't get from lying to sitting on her own. 

-Lauren loves to walk EVERYWHERE. If you try to sit her down and she doesn't want to it's impossible. She'll go stiff so you can't bend her and she'll get really mad and cranky if she wants to stand/walk and no one will take her around. I'm hoping (and so is my back!) when she learns to crawl and can get around a little better the demand to walk will be less.

-She had her second cold. It was more of a sinus cold but it was pretty bad and she had trouble sleeping and breathing. She spent a few nights in our bed, in fact the first 2 were spent sitting up as it was the only way she could breath. Unfortunately she got a little too used to sleeping in our bed and we're struggling with getting her to sleep in her crib at night (7 times she woke up last night!) It was worth it though. It was really scary to hear her wake up gasping for air because she'd stopped breathing.

7 words

It always amazes me how quickly your life can change. Car accident, phone call or in our case 7 words "Your baby has hypoplastic left heart syndrome." 2 years today we heard those 7 words that changed our lives forever and there's no denying how different we are from hearing them. I've been finding this time of year hard. I'm so thankful for Lauren and love her so much but it reminds me of how different our lives could've been. How different we thought are lives were going to be 2 years and 1 day ago.

I think back to the girl I was and shake my head. I was so young, carefree and naive. I thought I was invincible and that bad things wouldn't happen to me, it was always someone else. Those 7 words hit me like a ton of bricks leaving me speechless and lost. That day I learned that just because you've made it half way through a pregnancy doesn't mean you'll get to take a baby home from the hospital. We learned that babies can survive in vitro with fatal defects thanks to their mothers. We learned we were 1 in 100. We were 1 out of an average 10 cases in BC a year.

I guess that day wasn't all bad. We learned we were pregnant with a baby girl. We got to see that baby girl on screen for a few hours (little did we know it's not good to get such long screen time.) We knew walking into that hospital there was a possibility our baby was sick. We just never imagined how much our lives would change that day.

I'm going to take flowers to the grave today with Lauren. Dan has to help move equipment for archery (he did ask me if it's ok) and when I asked if he wanted me to wait he said it was fine. I don't think he likes going out there very much. We do have her ashes here too but I find the cemetery peaceful and a place I can grieve. Truthfully I prefer going by myself anyway.