Nearly a year

Hailey was born on April 28th, 2010. I knew this date has been coming up and I thought I was handling it well until tonight. All I can think about is this time last year. I remember going to my mum's and just crying, then laying on the couch with her so we could feel Hailey kick as much as possible knowing that tomorrow morning would be the last time I every felt her. Then I went home and Dan and I did the same thing in bed. I don't know how I slept that night. I wanted to be awake every possible second. I wanted time to stop. I wanted the doctor's to phone and say they were wrong. That it wasn't that bad and surgery was an option again. I wanted someone to tell me my baby would be ok.

We'd only just made the decision. Dan e-mailed the hospital Monday morning and they called me at work to speak to me and confirm it was what I wanted. How can it be what I wanted? I wanted my baby. I wanted her to have a chance but in the end I didn't want her to suffer. I thought I'd have more time from when we made the decision although realistically I knew we'd taken so long to decide there wasn't much time left. Legally we couldn't end the pregnancy after 24 weeks and I was already 23+3. I don't know how I'll get through the next 2 days. Tomorrow is the day we went in and they stopped her heart. I'm not sure the exact time but I know it was around 8-8:30 am. I was induced shortly after, then on the 28th at 10:56 pm she was born. She was so beautiful, so perfect. You'd never know looking at her she had such a horrible heart defect.

I'm not very religious. I used to go to church and I was baptized at 15. I think I stopped going when I moved to England but I've always and still do believe in God. The past week I've been thinking about going to church. I don't have a church that I belong to but I've had this urge to just walk in and ask to speak with a pastor. Stupidly not until I've written this did I realize that my cousin and her husband living in Iowa are and I should've just talked with them. Here's the thing, while I still believe in God I'm just so angry. Maybe it would've helped me at this moment if I had spoken with someone. My problem now is how do I go to church after what I've done? I know the only one who can judge me is God but I don't want people to think horribly of me. I just wish people who judge me on what we've done could understand. Understand it's not at all what I wanted. I loved her and wanted her so much.

I've got to stop writing now. I've gotten myself so worked up I've now been sick a few times.

I miss her so much....

26 weeks

How far along? 26 weeks 
Baby's size? Eggplant
Total Weight Gain: 24 lbs.... 186 lbs now. I only gained 1 pound in 2 weeks!
Bellybutton:  In although not as deep as it was...
Stretchmarks: my hips.....and I noticed a new one heading toward my stomach :(
Maternity Clothes: Yup
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: Lots!
Sleep: Pretty good
Symptoms: Finally enjoying the second trimester
Food Aversions: Not really into red meat at the moment
Food Cravings: Salad. Probably why I only gained a pound while not craving candy anymore!
Best Moments this week: Some of the kicks make me jump! The baby is getting so strong :)
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: I have my next ultrasound at the hospital this Thursday

I've been fighting a cold this week. I'm starting to feel much better, now I just wish I could clear my sinus. I had an appointment with my OB on Wednesday and he gave me a prescription for iron since my ferritin was on the low side. I've since managed to lose it. I'm sure I've put it somewhere that I thought I'd remember to take it to the pharmacy but it's disappeared! I have another appointment in 2 weeks so I'll get another one if I haven't found it yet. 

I picked up my bridesmaid dress on Thursday. I never realized how much my boobs have grown until I tried it on. We ordered the dresses 7 months ago just as we were going to start trying to get pregnant so I bought it 2 sizes too big. Yup tight at the boobs. Need to get it taken out but the good thing is my belly fits just about right. It's still a little loose which means it should be perfect in another 4 weeks. Really looking forward to getting a week holidays (although it'll be spent getting things ready for my sister's wedding.) 3 more weeks of work then I go back for another 7ish weeks then off for a year!!!!!! 

Here's a pic of me in the dress.....I feel HUGE in it! Good thing I know my sister will look amazing and no one will look at me next to her :)

25 weeks

How far along? 25 weeks 
Baby's size? Papaya
Total Weight Gain: will have to weigh myself tomorrow
Bellybutton:  In although not as deep as it was.
Stretchmarks: The colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Yup
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: My stomach moves when the baby kicks hard enough.
Sleep: Not too bad
Symptoms: I pee A LOT!
Food Aversions: Not really liking red meat.
Food Cravings: Candy
Best Moments this week: Ultrasound
What I miss: My old body
What I am Looking forward to: OB appointment on Weds


This month has gone well so far. I thought it would be a hard month and although it is, it's not as bad as I expected. It's still really hard to think about what was going on last year at this time and I still think of Hailey every day and miss her. It's a little sad to think a year has nearly passed since I last held her.


Our friends who had a baby 2 weeks ago came over for dinner and on the way home were in a car accident (not their fault.) We picked them up after they were released from the hospital and drove them home. Luckily we'd already bought a car seat so we used ours for their baby. We bought a 3 in 1. I don't like keeping a the baby in the carrier ones and I find babies look so awkward in them so I wanted one that would stay in the car and use a baby bjorn to carry the baby around. Although we have a medium sized car this seat just doesn't work in it's rear facing position. I had to have the front seat as far forward as it would go and there wasn't really much leg room. So we'll have to give in and buy an infant carrier that I'll probably only use in the car. At least we can still use the seat for toddler age. I'm glad we've found this out now.

Morning of tests

It was a busy morning for me. Today and Sunday are my days off this week since I switched with a friend to have last Saturday off for my sister's bridal shower. My OB asked for me to do the gestational diabetes screen sometime the week before I see him and since my appointment is next Wednesday and I start work before 7:30 every other day this week and next it's the only time I could do it. So on my one day to sleep in this week I got to get up at 6:15 to head to the lab for to sit around for 2 hours. Thankfully since I work there I got in right away and sat in the staff room reading and chatting. I'd worked out the morning perfectly. Get the test started at 6:30 so I'd be out of there for 8:40. Then drink the water, stop off to get breakfast and head to my ultrasound at the hospital for 9am. Although my appointment was for 9:30 they ask that you're there 30 minutes earlier incase there's a lot of walk ins and you have to wait to be checked in. It was only my second time but it actually seems like they get you in sooner. Today she called us in before 9:15. My mum came with me and they let her in the room the whole time.

The ultrasound tech got all the measurements and checked the fluid level then said she had to watch to see if the baby was making breathing motions. She watched for about 15 minutes and I don't think it did. I said to my mum I didn't know if I should've been hoping the baby would or not..... I know last time the baby opened and closed it's mouth to get amniotic fluid but are they supposed to practice breathing at 24 weeks? I'm assuming they are since she literally stared at the screen for 15 minutes watching the chest. Oh well they'll check again in another 2 weeks. Maybe the baby was just being lazy. She said my placenta was at the back which I'm also assuming means I don't have placenta previa like they thought last time.

She really freaked me out though. Once we were done the ultrasound she said she was going to go check that she had all the images she needed and I could use the toilet then come back and wait. Well she took over 10 minutes. It was like deja vu. This is exactly what the girl said during Hailey's ultrasound and came back in with the radiographer saying they were going to refer me to the hospital for more tests. That ultrasound with Hailey was with my mum too. Every other one has either been just me, me and Dan or me, Dan and my mum. While we were sitting there waiting I said "I swear if she walks in the room with a second person you're not allowed to come to another ultrasound on your own!" Good news is she walked in and said we could go.  I think I've mentioned before that my ultrasounds are dating exactly 1 week behind? Well it's the same this time and she told me that everything looks good and the measurement is actually from the baby's head size. She said not to worry though it's only a week and they're not concerned unless it's 4-5 weeks behind. She said it's just likely the baby has a small head (which is fine by me since I'm planning for a natural, no med birth!)

I realized something yesterday...... July is only 3 months away!
Oh and in other good news I got a temporary position at a lab. It works out really well. It's full days so no more 5 hour shifts and I work 4 days a week (plus every second Sat.) and get Wednesday off. I think this will be great. If I'm working 8 hour days it'll be nice to work 2 days, have 1 off then work 2 more. Can't wait for it to start in a couple weeks. The girl is on short term waiting to get a date for her eye surgery so it should last until I go off on Mat leave. Hopefully having that day rest in between means that I can work closer to my due date now too.

24 weeks!!

How far along? 24 weeks 
Baby's size? Papaya
Total Weight Gain: 23 lbs.... 185 lbs now. (that makes me a little sad)
Bellybutton:  In although not as deep as it was...
Stretchmarks: The colour's starting to come back in the ones from Hailey's pregnancy (on my hips)
Maternity Clothes: Yup
Gender:  I caved! Not allowed to say though
Movement: Lots!
Sleep: crappy. I'll fall asleep easily but wake up after 2 hours and then take another 1-1.5hr to fall asleep and repeat.
Symptoms: Finally enjoying the second trimester
Food Aversions: None!
Food Cravings: Candy
Best Moments this week: Baby is viable!
What I miss: Nothing
What I am Looking forward to: I have my next ultrasound at the hospital this Wednesday