Another step forward

I worked at one of my favourite labs today. A friend of mine who works there is currently 33 weeks pregnant. I haven't seen her much lately with everything going on in her life so it's always great to get to work together. We had an hour that was quiet and started chatting. I told her how Dan promised me if the next pregnancy doesn't work out I'm allowed to get a dog (Dan isn't really an animal person.) While we were chatting she took my hand and placed it on her belly where the baby was kicking. She then looked at me and said "I promise you will feel this again but it'll be your baby kicking you." After a little cry I then got up the courage to ask her what I've been thinking about for a while. I asked if I could come over sometime after she's the baby to hold him. I don't want the first newborn I hold after Hailey to be our second child and since she's having a boy it makes it a little easier. She said absolutely and since it's a c section she'll need the help.  I'm so thankful with how understanding and supportive she's been.

I ended up getting the mercury free flu shot today. I sat down with the nurse and told her how I know it probably doesn't have any effect but I got it last year just after we'd conceived and she had a heart defect. She said that it's really unlikely for anything like that to be affected by the mercury but she completely understood my need to feel like I've changed something this time around. It's such a horrible feeling knowing there's nothing you can do to prevent it from happening again. At least if we knew what caused HLHS I could try to prevent it.

Every 2.5 minutes

Our shirts arrived today. My family is participating in a run/walk for the heart and stroke foundation. My cousin in law and myself are doing the 10 k run while everyone else is doing a 5k walk. I ordered shirts online from hopeforhlhs.com and I'm so happy they've arrived with a month to spare. Looking at these shirts makes me really sad though.

How did I get here? I think back to last year when we'd just started trying and can't believe where we are now. We were so naive, carefree and stupid. Stupid for thinking bad things couldn't happen to us. The thing is I don't know anyone who hasn't had a healthy baby.  I'd heard horror stories about babies with problems and all I really thought about was downs syndrome. My doctor scared me a few days before my 18 week ultrasound because he phoned and left a message about the results from my triple screen. It took him forever to say the results were good and we had nothing to worry about. I'm sure the message was actually less then 30 seconds but I was so scared and worried since he told me he wouldn't call unless there was a problem! I thought I was good after hearing that. I thought it was all set and we'd have a healthy beautiful baby in a few months like everyone else. That feeling when you hear there is something seriously wrong with your baby, I can't describe it. I guess the best way is you can almost feel your whole world falling apart. I don't remember too much of our long 2 hour conversation with the team of doctors. All I remember is staring at the picture I'd just received of our baby and then after awhile not being able to look at it (I think I actually turned it over) because all I wanted to do was cry. It took having an HLHS baby to realize that like the shirt says "every 2.5 minutes a baby is born with a congenital heart defect." About 1 in 100.

I don't know how people do it. I don't know how women find the strength to go through labour knowing what the baby is up against. I didn't like being pregnant with Hailey.  I took it all for granted, but the moment I found out she was sick I wanted her to be able to stay in me forever. I knew I could only protect her for so long.  Now, I'd go through years of morning sickness to bring her back and have her healthy. 

I'm going to end this now before Dan walks in and sees me crying. I've convinced him to buy a doppler for our next pregnancy. It won't change anything and it won't tell us anything since Hailey's heart sounded normal but I've been really anxious the past couple weeks. 2 girls I'm close with from work are due to have babies soon and I'm so terrified for them. I don't know if I'll be able to make it 40 weeks with our next baby. I'm all too aware of how quickly things can go wrong.

To get the flu shot or not to......

Well it's flu season and the occupational health nurse will be around next week to give us our annual flu shots. I went through this dilemma last year.  She came around in November (when we conceived Hailey) and I said no to the H1N1 but I got the flu shot. It all just freaks me out a little bit because they don't know what causes HLHS and while lots of pregnant women get the flu shot I don't know if it's worth taking the risk. I talked to my husband this morning about it and I think we've decided I'll get the flu shot but ask for the one without mercury. Although it doesn't look like mercury affects heart growth, with the uncertainty of Hailey's brain development I don't want to take the chance for that reason either.  The crappy thing is because I work with sick people I have to sign a form saying if I do get sick I won't be covered for time off, which I guess doesn't really matter since I've used most of my sick days for hospital appointments with both pregnancies.

On another note I'm happy to say that we have decided to start trying this month.  I HATE the waiting game and have always been frustrated with the lack of control in the whole baby making process. I'm a planner and this past year has been frustrating not just because of how things turned out with Hailey but also the lack of being in control. It's been a tough lesson for me. Patience is also not my forte! I just have to keep reminding myself if it takes 6 months to a year for us to get pregnant and have a healthy baby then it's worth the wait. It'll suck and the waiting will torture me but I don't want to go through what we have these past 7 months again, so if I have to be patient I will.

I also weighed myself this morning and I'm back to my pre pregnancy weight!!!!!!! I should add that although I've lost the weight it seems to be in different areas since I still can't fit comfortably into my pants and have been forced to continue to wear maternity (I refuse to give in and buy a bigger size.) However I am VERY close and can fit into my scrubs which are still a little tight for my liking. Hoping to gain it all back again over the next year!

possibly trying again

I started a new cycle friday night. After Hailey we were told to wait 2 cycles and I'm sure I've said this before but Dan and I disagree on what this means. (I think after you start your third period while Dan says after your second since you had to have a cycle to get to your first.) So since this is my second after the miscarriage we are contemplating starting to try again this month. There's a problem though. When my sister got engaged she asked me not to be too pregnant for her wedding since I'm the maid of honour. I promised her I wouldn't be more then in my 6th month (which means start trying in November.) Is it really selfish of me to start trying a month early? Assuming it works first try I'd be 30+1 weeks for the wedding instead of 26. Is there really a huge difference in belly size at that point anyway? Also my cousin who will be a bridesmaid is trying to get pregnant and will be trying this month again. It's hard to explain how I feel about wanting to get pregnant. Before we got pregnant with Hailey I probably would've thought what's another month, we can wait. Now I just think what if October is our month to get pregnant and have a healthy baby?

I don't even know if I'm ready. I get a little panicky when I think about being pregnant again but at the same time I want it so much. Not just having a baby at the end but I really miss being pregnant. As much as I hated the first 13 weeks since I was so sick with Hailey I miss it. I miss knowing there's someone growing inside of me. The other issue weighing me down is thinking of this time last year. My cycle is 1 day out what it was last year. We started trying in October to get pregnant with Hailey and it makes me sad to think here we are a full year later with no baby. I also worry that I might not try next month. I don't know if I have it in me to chance having the due date 1 day off of Hailey's. Also all the appointments would be roughly the same time frame just a year difference. Then I go back to what if November is our month to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

It's all so frustrating and confusing :(

The run

Happy Canadian thanksgiving. My week has been filled with accomplishments. On Tuesday I did my first baby at work. A 7 day old baby girl came in for a bilirubin (test for jaundice) and I decided I was going to do her. I've done children since Hailey but the youngest has been 6 months and I took the blood from his arm. This was the first time a newborn would be crying because of me. This was my first time being so close to a newborn, especially a newborn girl. I told my coworkers I was going to do it and they were great saying they'd be close by if I needed them. As I was getting everything ready all I could think about was how I didn't want to cry in front of the mother, how horrible that would be and how I'd have to explain myself. It went well though. I didn't cry (there were tears in my eyes before and after but I hold it together.)

Yesterday I also did my first 8 K run. My sister signed up to do a half marathon (21 km) and my mum, aunt and I all signed up for the 8 km road race with plans to walk it (when I signed up I was newly pregnant and  hoping I'd be 18 weeks now.) When I had the miscarriage I decided I'd plan to run it, so I've spent the past 2 months training to get up to 8 K.  Because it's getting dark earlier I've been running on the treadmill at the gym but never got further then 6.5 km. On friday a few hours before we left I decided to do the run around our local park. It took me 59 minutes to do the 8 km. I went into the run yesterday with a goal to finish under 1 hour since this run had hills and I'd never trained with hills I figured I'd be a little slower. I'm not sure what my chip time was ( you wear a chip on your shoe and it tracks when you cross the start and finish line for accurate time) but my watch said 51 minutes! My short term goal is to do a 10 km run in November (if the weather holds out and there's no snow) then take a break from running because we are going to start trying again in November and I get too hot when I run which isn't good during pregnancy. I'm going to keep up my cardio though and after we have our next baby get back to training again. I've decided I'm going to do the Disneyland half marathon, probably in 2012. 

Looking forward to turkey dinner tonight!