visitors

Dan's parents have been out for nearly 2 weeks. It's gone surprisingly well. I was a little depressed about a week before they arrived and even e-mailed a girl I met from the perinatal loss group because I felt like I needed to tell what was on my mind to someone who didn't know any of the people involved. I will post that e-mail at the end. There's still a lot of resentment left over from Hailey's pregnancy. I know I need to let this go. It's not just with Dan's parents but also Dan himself. We struggled for months with our relationship. Most of the time I've moved on but sometimes it still eats away at me.

Back to the visit. We've been very busy. We went on a little ski holiday with them to Sun Peaks and we took turns watching Lauren and skiing. It was a little bittersweet. Dan and I LOVE being outdoors and skiing and while we were there I kept going back to how this never would've happened with Hailey. The altitude would've been too high for sufficient oxygen levels.  The rest of the visit has been uneventful. We've spent a lot of time at home playing since it was really cold outside. The weather's finally changed and we went for a nice long walk today. Tomorrow we drive them to the airport and while it's been nice having them visit it'll be nice to be on our own again.

Here's the e-mail, I've let out parts that talk about her story and what she's been through:

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately. I can't stop thinking of Hailey, even my dreams are of her. I can't remember if I told you but Dan and I had different opinions on what to do when we found out she was sick. When they went over the options after the first echo ending the pregnancy went in one ear and out the other because to me it wasn't an option. When we got home I was shocked when Dan turned to me and said that's what he wanted to do because it had never crossed my mind. We struggled with what to do and it started off with me saying there's no way I could do it and Dan saying telling me that it was my choice since it was my body and then somewhere there was a switch and I felt I was just getting pushed from different sides. When we told our families everyone on my side said "whatever you decide we support you 100%" no one wanted to sway us either way. Dan's family had the opposite approach. They felt they should give their opinions and Dan's dad and I went back and forth with e-mails ( I don't even remember what they were about but I do remember it wasn't happy or encouraging ones) and I still feel a little hurt by Dan for not sticking up for me. There were times where I begged him to ask his Dad to back off and his response was "just let him say what he wants to say and move on." Our families don't speak now because of this. One day I called my mum at work to pick me up cause I was getting pains and the doctor sent me to the hospital for monitoring and in the end everything was fine and put it down to stress. I'd been sending the e-mails to my mum and she sent them one asking them to please stop and reminding them that we hadn't decided what to do and the extra stress on top of what we were already going through wasn't good for the baby or me. They didn't appreciate this and apparently took her e-mail as mind your own business (as Dan recently told me they had put it.) 

I wanted to let her fight and it kills me not knowing if we did the right thing. I was never very good with fully listening when the doctors where talking. I remember after the first echo we sat in this room with a bunch of doctors and they told us her diagnosis and when they went over the options all I could do was stare at the ultrasound pic I'd just received. Eventually I had to turn it over because it was too painful to look at her and discuss surgeries and heart transplants and how her life would never be normal. God that day still feels like yesterday if I think about it. The second echo was the same. I didn't really understand what they were talking about but Dan seemed to get it and ask questions. I remember Dan asking 2 questions at the second echo. He'd noticed there was blood flow into the left ventricle which wasn't there before which the doctors said didn't change anything since even if there was it was too small to function and Dan said he'd overheard them talking and was wondering what they were worried about with the aorta. I think I tuned out because I don't remember the answer and it wasn't until that night when Dan and I were discussing the day he explained that it meant they couldn't do transplant or surgeries. That's when I sided with him about ending it. I still wonder if this was true.

I also wonder if I have PND or if it's just normal to feel this way after everything we've been through. I still care for and look after Lauren but sometimes I look at her and think about how she's not Hailey and that she shouldn't really be here. I feel horrible for thinking that and I really do love her and am so thankful for her and that she's healthy. I don't know. Dan's parents are coming  to visit next week so maybe that's why this is all coming back? I'm really hoping when they leave I'll start to feel better. I was thinking of going back to counselling but never actually call to make the appointment.

Sorry to put this on you. I've just been having a hard few months which sucks after so long of feeling better about everything.They say you have ups and downs and that you'll always have bad days. I've had a stretch of good days and am just waiting for them to start again. I'm also feeling bad for telling you all this because I don't want you to think that 2 years in you'll feel how you do now because it does get easier and days get better. I also don't want to sound ungrateful for Lauren either.

Hope you're doing ok. Hoping 2012 is a better year for you. My way of looking at 2011 was that it couldn't get much worse after the hell 2010 was.

 I should add that the moment the e-mail was sent I felt better. Sometimes you really do just have to get it off your chest instead of bottling it up.

5 months

Today Lauren's 5 months old. Where has the time gone! I haven't weighed her much and I don't think she's put on weight or very little if she has. I think this month I'll just do an update on the things Lauren does.

-Lauren's currently on antibiotics. She has an infection in one of her toes. Not an ingrown toe nail but the doctor things her nail got snagged on something and made a small cut near the bottom of her nail which got infected. It was huge and disgusting before it was drained.

-She was also on a cream because her neck had quite a bad rash because she drools so much. It cleared it up but gave her huge painful pimples so we stopped using it. Unfortunately the rash is slowly coming back now.

- She's still not sleeping through the night again. She goes to sleep at 8 then wakes at 11, 4 and 6 or 7. We dropped a 2am feed when I noticed she wasn't actually eating much so I picked her up for a few days and rocked her back to sleep. Last night however I had to wake her up at 2:30 because she needed to have her antibiotics at 11. Of course she sleeps better when I rely on her waking up!

- She's picked up a new quirk. She sticks her tongue out when she's concentrating. She gets this from her dad.

- She loves to play. Now that she can grab and things she enjoys looking, picking up and touching EVERYTHING.

- She's started solids. We gave her rice cereal mixed with breast milk last week and have been giving it to her at her 6pm feed. We started off having it very runny so she sucked it off the spoon and slowly we're making it thicker. No, it doesn't help her sleep any better and yes it makes her poo so gross and smelly! We also haven't told anyone in the family she's on solids because for some reason people keep wanting to give her treats. She's only 5 months old!!!!!!!

- I put up the change pad on the change table (we'd just been using a cloth before) and now that she's higher up she lays there and kicks/ swings the blinds.

- She rolled over. She's only done this once on her own and I suspect it wasn't on her own either. I'd put her to bed one night and she started crying about 10 minutes later. When I came into the room she was on her tummy. She hooks her feet in between the slats to sleep on her side and I think she swung herself too far.

- She absolutely HATES being on her tummy. I think this is why she has no desire to roll over. We've practiced once because she was getting onto her side a lot. She realized it ended with her on her tummy and now no longer attempts to roll over.

- If you place her siting up she will stay siting unaided

- She had her first sleepover at Grandma's on New Years Eve and apparently was a very good girl (like grandma would think differently anyway!)

Dan and I decided to do operation red nose on New Years Eve this year. It was fun, but I think next year we'll do it on nights leading up to New Years. They had 22 teams of 3 on the road which is great but it ended up causing a lot of disorganization. I suspect it was too hard to keep track of that many cars. Here's a link to the website with more info about it : http://operationnezrouge.com. It was started in Quebec but is now done all over the country.

January's going to be a busy month for us. Daniel's parents arrive around the 12th and we're going on a skiing holiday with them. Then in February Dan and I are going away on our own for another skiing holiday. Lauren will stay at my mum's for the weekend. I'm really looking forward to getting to ski again since it's been 3 years. I was a little sad the past 2 years being pregnant and not aloud to ski. No idea if I'll be any good again!

Now for the pics of Lauren this month. We bought a new camera during a boxing day sale and I absolutely love it :

 Playing with the Christmas tree

 Everything goes in the mouth

 Trying food

 Sitting nicely for mum

Happy after a nap

 Trying to sit up in her chair (notice the tongue)

 Reading books with Dad on Christmas

Playing with her new toy

4 months

weight : 17.8 lbs
height : 65 cm

I've lost nearly all of my Lauren pregnancy weight! I have 5 more pounds to go (161) and 10 to be at my pre Hailey pregnancy weight (156) and to be honest another 21 to go to be at my ideal weight (145!) I bought a 3 month pass to my local recreation centre and have been going to classes a 3-5 times a week. I go to 2 cycle fit classes a week (which I really enjoy) and try to do 2-3 stroller stride classes. The stroller stride is harder to get motivated to go to because it's in the morning and all depends on how well Lauren slept.

Enough about me though. Lauren's doing great. Her sleeping habits could be better though. She was sleeping through the night for a few weeks but has now started getting up every 3 hours. This wouldn't be so bad if she'd go right back to sleep afterwards but the past week she's been staying awake for a few hours  which is really hard on me. Thankfully last night she was tired enough to go back to sleep. She's a little drooler at the moment and will soak through a within a few hours. She's also got a terrible diaper rash that won't go away no matter what we do. I've had to switch to disposables so I can use zinc based cream and sometimes it'll start to look better but has yet to go away after a week and a half. These combined with her chewing on her fingers leads me to believe she's teething. Hopefully the tooth will cut through soon so we can go back to cloth. I absolutely hate using the disposables, not to mention how expensive they are!

She's recently started to grab for things. She babbles whenever she feels like it and I can guarantee if you try to prompt her to talk she will refuse. Here's a few pics taken over the last month.

 Lauren trying on her swim suit

 sitting at the table while we eat

 Lauren and mum

 watching as Dad cuts down out christmas tree

 (sorry the red eye reducer wouldn't work on this picture)

Taken today during tummy time

A year behind

I've been thinking about Hailey a lot lately as Christmas gets closer. Really it's not even just christmas it's that I've been watching Lauren do a lot of "firsts". I've been finding this particularly hard because Lauren was born 18 days before Hailey's due date. It's also been nearly 2 years since our journey with Hailey began. Although I didn't know I as pregnant yet Hailey was already conceived and this time of year always makes me sad because I think was this the moment 2 years ago when it all started to go wrong? At some point between now and April 2010 something bad happened that changed our lives forever and we don't know why or when. As I watch Lauren reach milestones I can't help but feel like I'm a year behind. That it should've been a year ago I watched my child do all this. I guess that's the down side to having a baby right around the due date of the baby you lost.

Christmas is particularly hard. Christmas 2009 I was about 6 weeks pregnant and I was looking forward to 2010 and how great it would be to have a baby around for christmas. I never could've imagined how wrong I was. I still find myself going back to that question I'll never have an answer for......WHY.

Why Hailey? Why us? Why anyone? It all just seems so unfair. I want so much for Hailey to be here with me and I struggle with this feeling for a couple reasons.
I want the healthy Hailey I had in my mind before our world fell apart but that Hailey never existed. Hailey is and always will be our HLHS baby so when I think about wanting her here right now I think about her being healthy but I know deep down she never was and never would've been. That's such a hard thing for me to think about and except. Even after all this time I just wish my baby was ok or fixable.
I know I've said this quite a bit these past few months but I feel A LOT of guilt when I think about wishing Hailey was here because I know if Hailey was Lauren wouldn't be. I love them both so much.

I worry about my feelings for Lauren. I love her of course but I don't think I love her as much as I love Hailey. That's probably not the right words to say how I feel so I'll try to explain. I still feel like I'm holding back. I'm still waiting for that brick to fall and something bad to happen. These past few months all seem like a dream. Hailey took my innocence and my blind love. I find myself unable to look at Lauren and think my world would fall apart without you because I've held back and I've built this wall. Of course I'd be devastated if anything happened to Lauren but from Hailey I've learned that life can change so quickly. You think you're headed in one direction but you have no idea what's up ahead. I'm so scared of losing her or anything happening to her that I've tried to protect myself and I feel so bad for this. Lauren deserves more. Lauren deserves to be loved the way I love Hailey. I'm sure with time I'll get there. As each day passes I find I relax a little more but even now I get nervous voicing these feeling as I worry that by voicing them something will happen. Completely irrational I'm sure.

Going to the Dr.

I phoned my dr's office this morning to make an appointment for Lauren. The past few days I've noticed the inserts in her diaper were a little pink sometimes and yesterday after I changed her right she pooped (always the way) and part of it was red. I think she's got blood in her poo. When I changed her this morning just after she went it was ok but I'm taking her in anyway because I can't see how that colour would be normal in a breastfed baby or any baby not on solids. Will update when we get back.

My doctor's off this week so we saw Daniel's doctor. He looked her over and sent us home with an OB kit to check to see if it's blood in the stool. He also wrote a prescription for antibiotic cream incase it's from an infection. He said he wasn't too concerned at this point and seemed like he didn't really know what to do if it came back positive for blood. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. At least she seems pretty happy, just a little less active.

Lauren's quirks

I thought I'd write about some of the things Lauren does:

1-She won't look at you unless she wants to. You can try everything to get her attention and she'll look everywhere except at you. Then when you turn your attention elsewhere she'll stare at you until you look at her then she quickly turns her head

2- She spits her soother out when she's ready to fall asleep. She'll suck on her soother and after her eyes close she pushes it out with her tongue. This has caused some long evenings depending on where the soother falls. It wakes her up sometimes and we have to start the whole process of getting to sleep again

3- Lauren HATES sleeping. Well she hates falling asleep. She'll scream and kick and all you can do is hold her tight and keep trying to get the soother in. As soon as she starts sucking on it her eyes start to close. Sometimes she'll realize she's falling asleep and start screaming and kicking again.

4- She could be sound asleep in your arms and not wake up when you put her down but 5 minutes later she'll be WIDE awake. It's like she has these quick power naps so she doesn't have to miss what's going on.

5- She's quite happy just staring off at things. This is true especially if we are out somewhere. Rarely does she cry or make a noise when out in public. She's too busy taking it all in. She's the same way in her crib after a nap. I rarely go in because she's crying, instead because I can hear her making noises or sucking her fist (which makes me cringe!)

6- She sticks her tongue out at my grandma. I don't how this started and but every time she sees my grandmother instead of smiling she sticks her tongue out at her. She only does this to her and we have no idea why.

7- She only tries to roll over during diaper changes.

13 weeks

Weight 16lbs

I think I'll take her to the health unit this afternoon to get weighed. I weigh her with  my scale every Tuesday and this week it says she lost .6 lbs. I'm hoping my scale is wrong but figure I'll take her in today and next wednesday just to make sure she's not losing any weight.

Not a lot has happened this week. Lauren gave me her cold but I've come to learn that breastfeeding is really great to help get over a cold faster. Normally my colds last at least a week but since  having Lauren I've had 2 and they've only lasted a few days.  I also heard back from the milk bank yesterday so I've got to fill out and mail in all my forms.

Did I mention that Daniel's parents are coming to visit in January? Both will be out which will be nice for Dan and Lauren. They're staying with us for a few days then we're all going skiing for 4, then they come back for 2 more weeks.
That's about all I can think of to write. It's been a pretty boring week!
Here's a few pics

She's getting so big!!!

Dan trying out the carrier....she hated it!

Lauren and mum

Halloween